Out of town company -- how do you handle it?

[Jane Elliot]

For various reasons we have a lot of out-of-town company. Really tons of it. That's not something I want to change, even if I could. I want to have an open, hospitable home. But...

 

It completely wears me out emotionally and physically. I think part of the reason it has this effect on me is I have a pretty full life without it (big family, farm, dh in a demanding career, etc.) Throw one more thing in, like company, and it just pushes me over the edge.

 

But, sometimes I think a lot of it is me (my personality). Maybe I don't do this as well as other people. Maybe there are some attitude changes I could make or even some tricks I could learn to make this easier.

 

So, if you have learned to relax and enjoy having out-of-town company, can you tell me how you accomplished that?

[Jean in Newcastle]

What helps me:

 

1. Have a good housecleaning regimen that keeps your house fairly clean all the time.

 

2. Tidy before company - taking a clothes basket and loading it up with paperwork that I'm not done with counts as tidying in my house. I then stash it out of sight in my bedroom.

 

3. The other night I had a family come to visit with minimum notice. I picked up a frozen lasagna, a bagged salad that I added to with pre-cut veggies and a nice dessert from the bakery. I told them that my "personal chef" at Safeway grocery store made their meal for me.

 

4. We like to take our guests on our usual family walks after dinner. They all seem to enjoy this - esp. if they've spent long hours in the car.

 

5. Do what you can to get ready and don't sweat what you couldn't get to. This is really hard for me but I've decided that they come because they really like to spend time with us - not our house.

[Jane Elliot]

What helps me:

 

1. Have a good housecleaning regimen that keeps your house fairly clean all the time.

 

2. Tidy before company - taking a clothes basket and loading it up with paperwork that I'm not done with counts as tidying in my house. I then stash it out of sight in my bedroom.

 

3. The other night I had a family come to visit with minimum notice. I picked up a frozen lasagna, a bagged salad that I added to with pre-cut veggies and a nice dessert from the bakery. I told them that my "personal chef" at Safeway grocery store made their meal for me.

 

4. We like to take our guests on our usual family walks after dinner. They all seem to enjoy this - esp. if they've spent long hours in the car.

 

5. Do what you can to get ready and don't sweat what you couldn't get to. This is really hard for me but I've decided that they come because they really like to spend time with us - not our house.

 

Thanks, Jean. I like the clothes basket idea. I tend to do fine with drop-in, overnight (one night) company. We have a good housekeeping routine, I don't mind people seeing some mess, and I have a few simple recipes up my sleeve.

 

It's the several days to up to 3 weeks or more out-of-town company that wears me out. I just cannot relax when someone is in my house. I don't know how to let my hair down and put my feet up when someone is here. And that's fine for a day or two, but when it's more than that I start to feel STRESSED and worn out.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ah, yes. I've had those kind of guests. I've been known to suggest that they treat my house more like a bed and breakfast - I'll serve breakfast but then they are free to go sight-see etc. until dinner! And for some of my guests - I think they've been equally relieved when I've suggested that.

[Jane Elliot]

Ah, yes. I've had those kind of guests. I've been known to suggest that they treat my house more like a bed and breakfast - I'll serve breakfast but then they are free to go sight-see etc. until dinner! And for some of my guests - I think they've been equally relieved when I've suggested that.

 

Exactly. I can handle being a bed and breakfast. It's being a bed and breakfast and lunch and dinner and tour guide that's wearing me out. I think I do need to send them on their own way more.

 

There's something about not being alone for more than a day or two that seems wear on me badly. I've often wondered if it's introvert tendencies in me. And, I've wondered if there's a way to overcome this.

 

I do need to send guests on their way to sight-see etc more. That would really help.

[SonshineLearner]

So, if you have learned to relax and enjoy having out-of-town company, can you tell me how you accomplished that?

 

Wow, we don't have company, and I have no littles...and four kids. Just looking at your children's ages, I think maybe you're stretched too thin! I love being with friends, but if they're gonna be there, maybe you need to wrap them into your whole life...chores and everything.

 

Carrie

[Jane Elliot]

Wow, we don't have company, and I have no littles...and four kids. Just looking at your children's ages, I think maybe you're stretched too thin! I love being with friends, but if they're gonna be there, maybe you need to wrap them into your whole life...chores and everything.

 

Carrie

 

Yes, I do think that's part of it. It's a lot of cooking, and I start to feel stretched thin. But, we have really nice guests and the ones that stay the longest pitch in a lot and help. People who don't live on a farm seem to enjoy haying, milking, etc a lot more than we do. :) And, they play with my littles, etc.

 

It's more than the work. It's like their very presence wears me out, like I can't take long stretches of socializing and having people in my house.

[Carol in Cal.]

Not really a contradiction in terms, but it could be perceived that way.

 

 

Being an introvert means that you get your energy from being alone, rather than from company. But you like to entertain, so you're also hospitable.

 

What to do?

 

If you can't limit your company, you can still limit your interaction by being a little bit directive, sometimes. For instance, "I have some letters to write. I need to take care of this today, so I'll be spending some time in my room alone. Here are some books and magazines that I have enjoyed recently--maybe you'd like to look them over a bit?"

 

I think that often houseguests are just as interested in some real downtime as their hosts, and they might actually be a little relieved if you gave them a bit more space. Take a shot; it can't hurt!

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

Perhaps if they are close friends or family or will visit for a long time you could just turn them loose.

 

Pick up a bunch of maps of your area (ie AAA or Chamber of Commerce etc.) to hand out to guests so they can shop or play tourist. Show them your kitchen and washing machines and let them take care of themselves. Meet up for one meal a day. Encourage them to shop for and prepare a few meals for everyone. If they have been there long enough they can pitch in. If you are comfortable with doing so-have an extra set of keys made that you can give guests. That way you are free to run errands, go to kids sports and such and not worry about meeting your guests when they return from their outings.

 

Most importantly relax and be yourself, if you spend too much time worrying you'll never enjoy their company.

[Julie in CA]

I do a couple of things that may fit your situation.

I'd compile some tourism info. for your area, along with a good map. If there is no existing tourism information, you might have to make it up yourself, listing interesting things to see, or good restaurants, along with hours open, and your personal observations about each place. You should make sure that the info. you have is in written form, though. and I'd present it in a way that makes it clear that you think they're planning to sightsee on their own.

 

I'd make sure that the yard is prepped for outdoor entertainment & play, and then I'd say something like, You're welcome to spend time in the yard whenever you wish--there's ______________ and _____________ out there, and some nice chairs, if you'd like to spend some time with your kids out there. There's usually a big jug of lemonade in the fridge, and here's where we usually keep snacks (and then show them where they could help themselves).

 

In fact, a *lot* of this can be solved simply in how you present yourself and your home when people arrive (and even beforehand). If I knew ahead of time that people were coming for a visit of more than 3 days or so, I'd actually mail them the tourist information along with a note that said, "We're so looking forward to seeing you! I thought you might enjoy planning your time a bit, so I'm sending you this info. I thought we might be able to do something together on Wednesday or Saturday, since I have quite a few things going on for Tuesday and Thursday." Then make sure that you have things planned for yourself to do that would feel like down-time for you. Leave your kids with friends and have a cup of coffee out, or browse books at B&N, or whatever might feel restful for you.

 

If they make a plan, you'll be able to plan your down-time at home while they're gone. If they mention that you could come along, you smile and say, "Oh, thanks! ...but I have some work to do that will keep me busy while you're gone. How many of my children would you like to take with you?" {ok, that last part was a joke. Or maybe not...:D}

 

Simple recipes on hand are great, but usually I plan ahead for freezer meals so that I don't even have to think about food while people are here. I also post a menu, while clearly letting them know that even though I've posted a menu on the fridge for the time they're visiting, you don't expect them to be there for all of those meals and have planned a flexible menu that will work whether they're there for each meal or not.

 

I leave books and current magazines on the nightstands where guests will be sleeping, and if it's people I know well, I try to tailor the reading material to the guest's interests. Depending on the guest, it often seems to make them feel comfortable with seeking their own down-time.

 

Sometimes I even plan for my dh to take the kids and all of the guests out to dinner/or the lake/or the park/or wherever without me. Depending on the company, they may think it's weird, but I do it anyway. With this one, you have to make it clear that all kids must be ready to go, so that you don't end up stuck babysitting during what was supposed to be your down time.

 

If all else fails, claim that you're not feeling well (it won't be a lie, because you really won't be feeling well if you're all hopped up on company stress), and that you really need to take a rest. Pointedly tell your own children in front of the company that mommy needs to rest a while, because she's not feeling well, and then go in your room and close the door. Most people will be relatively quiet and leave you alone. They may even look after your dc and keep everyone quiet for you. If it's daytime, you can even say, "dc, would you mind playing outside for an hour or two, I really need some quiet time." Then you look at the guests and say, "would you mind keeping an eye on them? I'm feeling a little headache coming on, and I'd like to head it off by taking a little rest." Note that I did not say, "I have a headache." That would (possibly) be a lie. We're moms. When do we not "feel a little headache coming on"? I feel pretty truthful saying that on many {edit: some} occasions.

 

As long as you say it all with a smile, and display a matter-of-fact attitude that makes it clear you assume right from the start that they'll be doing things on their own, you should never get to the point where you feel unwell.

 

Definitely give guests a key, and mention that you really like to go to bed early and that they should not hesitate to just let themselves in if their plans have them staying out late. That part makes it really clear that you don't plan to be with them all the time.

 

Good luck! I love having houseguests, but I also love down-time. :001_smile:

Edited June 29, 2009 by Julie in CA

[Chris in VA]

We've hosted people we do not know well (African bishops, mostly!) and I find them very helpful because they generally retire early. I give them a pitcher of water with lemon and ice and cups, and they go up around 7 or 8 pm.

You could do the reverse--just take yourself to your room early. It may not be enough time, but if they are out during the day, it might make it easier for you.

BTW, 3 weeks? Who stays for 3 weeks and expects to be entertained all that time? Wow.

[Dobela]

I would just say at some point, "I hope you don't mind but I really need to go recharge my batteries. Make yourself at home and if you need me I will be reading in my room tonight and finishing some planning for our next school year. See you at breakfast!" Then you go to your room and stay there. I like to entertain, but I am also an introvert. I would not be offended if someone said that to me (actually, I would be glad they were not trying to entertain me so I could get some private time as well).

[Jane Elliot]

Julie,

There is a lot of helpful wisdom in this post. I'm taking notes and writing down all the great ideas. Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a terrific post.

[Jane Elliot]

Not really a contradiction in terms, but it could be perceived that way.

 

 

Being an introvert means that you get your energy from being alone, rather than from company. But you like to entertain, so you're also hospitable.

 

What to do?

 

If you can't limit your company, you can still limit your interaction by being a little bit directive, sometimes. For instance, "I have some letters to write. I need to take care of this today, so I'll be spending some time in my room alone. Here are some books and magazines that I have enjoyed recently--maybe you'd like to look them over a bit?"

 

I think that often houseguests are just as interested in some real downtime as their hosts, and they might actually be a little relieved if you gave them a bit more space. Take a shot; it can't hurt!

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. Thank you.

[Jane Elliot]

BTW, 3 weeks? Who stays for 3 weeks and expects to be entertained all that time? Wow.

 

We have a guest house that we leave open for missionaries and others. People come for hunting (ladies and kids stay behind with me), relaxing, etc and that's how we want it. But it's so close to the house and our front door stays open, so usually everyone hangs out in our living room and shares meals with us and we do a lot of activities with them. (And actually I want that, too.) Everyone who's ever stayed there has been extremely considerate and thoughtful, helping whenever they can, but having people coming through my house all day and fixing that many meals still wears on me. I feel on duty 24/7. I'm realizing now that it's the social aspect that takes the biggest chunk out of me emotionally. Carol was dead on when she pegged me as an introvert.

 

But I think I'm making it harder than it needs to be. I see now I need to implement some breaktimes for me.There are so many great ideas here. I'm writing them down and hopefully this busy season we have coming up will go better for me.

[Jane Elliot]

There are so many helpful thoughts here. We have a really busy season coming up starting this week. I'm writing your ideas down and hoping this season will be easier. Thank you so much.

[Julie in CA]

Julie,

There is a lot of helpful wisdom in this post. I'm taking notes and writing down all the great ideas. Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a terrific post.

:) I hope you find something useful!

I only have 5 dc, and I really enjoy a certain level of company and chaos, but I'm also an introvert. My dh is from a large family, and we have a lot of company. It's not unusual for us to have a dozen or so additional people along with our 7. Having a couple of dozen people in the house can be a little much for me, even though I love having them here. I have to *plan* to relax, and *plan* ways to make it easier, so I don't get overwhelmed and grumpy. Probably the most helpful thing for me personally is the freezer meals/menu thing. If the meals are mostly prepped ahead of time, mostly just thaw & bake, I do a lot better. Sometimes I'll assign each of my older kids a meal to take care of. I do the ahead-of-time prep, but for that meal, they know that they are responsible for thawing & heating the food, preparing a salad or veggie, and enlisting the help of the younger kids to set the table, etc. I only give each of the olders about 2 meals, but still, if each one does their meal and takes the responsibility seriously, it *seriously* lightens the load. You have a large family, and I'm sure you have your own standby meals like this, but some of the easiest for us have been:

 

Meatball sandwiches: Buy premade meatballs, sauce, & rolls. Pour the sauce over the meatballs & freeze. Store the rolls in the freezer too. When the time comes, kid in charge thaws the meatballs & rolls, dumps the meatballs in the crockpot, and makes a big bagged salad (or asks a guest to help with that). At dinner time, they put a big spoon in the crockpot, stack the rolls on a platter, and put out sliced provolone or mozarella. They put out salad dressing, put the bread on a platter (possibly warming the bread in the oven covered with foil). I make them a little list of what to do ahead of time, sometimes letting them practice when we don't have company. Surprisingly, even my 11yo does fine with this. I'm usually around to help, or to step in if i see a catastrophe brewing, but they seem to enjoy it when they can do it without me.

 

Nacho bar: Most of this is open-the-can and go, so the kids can do this too, if I make a list. I buy the *big* cans of nacho cheese and refried beans from Costco or the restaurant supply, and a big bag of tortilla chips. The kids dump the nacho cheese in a crockpot (same with the beans). They thaw taco meat that I make ahead and warm it up either in a pan on the stove, in the oven on low, or in another crock pot. Depends on if you're the crockpot queen like I am :D and have multiple crockpots. The kid chops tomatoes, opens a can of sliced olives, a jar of sliced jalapenos, and chops some green onions. They can open a container of sour cream too, it just depends on how much food you want to mess with. All of that gets set out on our long counter, and folks help themselves. Again, I make the kids a list of what to do when.

 

I'm sure you have your own ideas, I was just letting my thoughts ramble...:001_smile:

 

So...what are your stand-by meals for a crowd? :lurk5:

(most of mine are pretty informal, so I can stick with flexibility about how many I'm serving, be flexible about what time the meals are ready, etc.)

Edited June 29, 2009 by Julie in CA

[Jane Elliot]

:)

So...what are your stand-by meals for a crowd? :lurk5:

 

 

We have dietary restrictions that most people don't have. A lot of additives (msg, nitrates, nitrites, sulfites, etc) trigger migraines in dh and half the kids. This eliminates most frozen and convenience food for us. We also have a lot available to us that most people don't have (lamb,elk, etc). So, I don't think most of our standby meals would be useful to others. But I'll list a few of them here anyway.

 

I can get lamb curry with ground lamb on the table in less than a half hour. I use my rice cooker because it has a timer.

 

Kebobs are fun for little people to make and they go on the grill which means less mess. Likewise elk burgers and chicken breasts from Costco.

 

Zucchini Grinders are another meal I can get on in less than half hour. http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Fabulous-Zucchini-Grinders/Detail.aspx

 

And I keep a jar of this in the fridge to add to stir fried veggies, meat, and leftover pasta: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Thai-Style-Peanut-Sauce-with-Honey/Detail.aspx

 

The freezer meals with kids in charge idea is a great one. I need to do this. I'm going to pick up what I need in town for frozen sloppy joes, BBQ beef, spaghetti sauce, and chili today.

 

Thanks again, Julie.

[Legomom]

Your message sounds like I could have written it. I have a couple of things that I do with long-term guests to help. I have a nap/quiet time for an hour after lunch for me and (depending on the situation) the kids. Everyone expects it and that gives everyone some breathing room. (I got the idea from my in-laws and it works great for them as well). In addition, it is important for me to have a small break to look forward to at night so I try to make sure that I have a good book or magazine to read when I go to bed. We always go to bed early (9 pm or so) because we get up early, but also because I need some downtime.