Here''s what transpired today. Last night I had emailed social worker with synopsis of call. Here's one benefit of living in a small town...the people know each other or get to know each other fairly easily. So even though I was rattled enough to wonder what birthmom or he is saying to social services...it turns out they know us well enough to know who is being truthful and who is trustworthy. So worker sent me email first thing this morning saying she had also spoken with Birthmom yesterday and she sensed irritability. Social services totally agrees with us not sending money and said our arrangements for shoes, etc were very reasonable. So today social services spoke to Birthmom and to my ds and told them to either take our arrangements or not but that's all they're getting. They also told the two of them that we have no obligation to support ds financially if he's choosing not to live with us. Also money will be deposited into my son's account for his needs. If he blows the money he won't get more and worker told us not to bail him out either. Birthmom actually won't be getting in "rent" assistance for the first three months (before last night's call social services was On the shoe front, my ds did phone my sister who is picking him up for lunch and shopping. She asked me about taking him food shopping for fresh produce, I said that is great. Just no cash. The beauty of tomorrow's arrangement with my sister is that it will be only the two of them. First time he'll be alone with my family. I'm tired tonight but way happier than last night.

BC homeschooling regulations are very good. If you're la resident of BC I think your obligation would be to the BC school act which allows for homeschooling. Are you contemplating a move to beautiful British Columbia?

Honestly (and now the tears are flowing) I feel like my life has become a bad made for TV movie. I can't believe this mess.

Thanks for listening ...and assuring me we're not being unreasonable. I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight. Sometimes it seems too overwhelming. My dh is so upset right now. As is my daughter. I just keep replaying the conversation in mymind. And the worst part? We so are willing to have a relationship with that woman. But I can't see that ever being likely given how she communicates with me. I am going to soak in a hot bath. Maybe that will help. (Someone posted about accidentally buying a bottle of southern comfort tonight.....I wished I were her neighbor :). )

People, I just about lost it. I picked up the phone tonight and birthmom was on the other end. It startled me. I have talked three times with her before...all before ds left. The boy needs shoes. I knew that because he called Saturday to inform me that if I was his real mother I would want to send money for shoes. Well no. I don't want to send money. But i did phone my sister who is relatively close and asked her if she would take him shoe shopping. Absolutely. She gave me the days she was available. I forwarded information to son. Well that's not good enough according to birthmom. And he needs food too. The money that we arranged through social services doesn't start flowing until next week. Well my sister is willing to feed him too. Nope, not good enough. That turned into 45 minutes of hell. (I had the sense to FaceTime my sister for her to listen in case i wasn't objective). She told me I was legally obligated to provide for him. I assured her we would care for him if he was living its us. Nope. No matter where he wants to live I need to financially support him. I told her that made no sense. If my dd suddenly wanted to move to Toronto I would have to facilitate that? It was bad. My sister was signaling to shut it down. So I told her that our next conversation would be with social services on line. I am a bit rattled. (And rambling. I just needed to vent.)

http://www.takysielakeresort.ca/accomodation.htm http://www.roundlakeresort.com/ http://www.cariboocabins.com/ http://www.discovernaramata.com/ http://www.cultuslake.bc.ca/default.aspx?PAGE_ID=138 http://shuswaptourism.ca/plan/accommodation/cabins-and-cottages-listings http://www.waterlilybay.com/history.html Here are links to some areas where we or people we know have rented cabins. There are many more. British Columbia is a beautiful province to visit and I will put a plug in my area....northwestern BC. In my town you can fresh water and salt water fish, lots of hiking, etc. We are surrounded by coastal rainforest. If you decide on BC let me know.

The store should have some method of being able to help you take your heavy stuff to the car. (Yesterday I wanted to buy a flat of water bottles...very heavy. The cashier told me she couldn't lift it but she called someone who could lift the flat. ) Store should realize the sale could be dependent on someone moving the heavy items.

There are many places in British Columia that fit that bill. If you want to come to BC I can suggest some specific lakes.

I would try it again but this time I'd mix the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients by hand. Also I notice the recipe says let batter rise for thirty minutes before baking...is there supposed to be yeast in the ingredients?

Again thanks for all the care and concern. The birthmother will get room and board directly with he getting a small allowance for needs I.e. clothes. They will give him money twice weekly so that he doesn't have a large chunk to blow at one time. It's been a very draining week and if you can believe it this afternoon I went to a funeral of a friend of mine only two years older than me. She died of cancer diagnosed nine months ago. It's a reminder of how short life is. And I don't want to waste my life. I've spent a lot of time this summer grieving. Even today I feel drained. I want to wake up tomorrow with a fresh start. And not feel guilt that we couldn't meet all his needs. It's going to take some effort.

I think we have a plan. The social services has agreed to provide birth mom with some financial support for food and stuff in exchange for twice monthly visits from social worker and more frequent contact with our local social worker. Not perfect (I don't want my son to starve but I'm not overly keen about financial compensation to birth mother.). Social worker explained to birthmother that she has no legal claim to son. That we are his parents. However this is a formal agreement with social services which ensures some accountability. The agreement will be for three months. Social worker told me they don't believe ds to be in danger. A completely different style of home, but not danger. Oh and attendance at school is obligatory. I also contacted police to see what would happen if they ever picked him up. With this plan in place we have some protection. Police said their concern would be for his physical well being which is being provided. It was a tough day. Social services weren't exactly eager to be involved this way (I get it) but I reminded them we had sought council from them about letting him go to birthmom in first place and they advised us to let him go and I also told them we adopted a boy with significantly greater challenges than was identified at time of adoption. That they had a moral obligation to help us. I guess I convinced them because at 4:30 they called with this plan. Again not perfect (which would be boy at home happy with his family) but okay for now. Who knows what happens in three months.

We grew up eating cucumbers sliced into a vinaigrette ....white vinegar, sugar, salt, a bit of oil. Sweet and sour. We all still love that recipe.

Thanks everyone for your kind comments. I think I'm calm tonight (although the acid is burning in my throat, the tears are right at the doorstep) because this has been a long, long journey for us. It certainly didnt start with him discovering his birth family. We've had many years of struggles. While i come across calm...I've had my moments. We have good support in real life even though no one we know has experienced this kind of life altering event. I cleaned my boy's room yesterday. I stared at the walls I painted 13 years ago to welcome my boys home. I remember the excitement we felt, the optimism we held....we will love them and be their forever family. Maybe naive but genuine. We certainly made many mistakes. The worst probably being that we kind of knew something wasn't right but didnt seek help right away. Partly because we were afraid. Afraid of involving social services from whom we adopted the boys. Adoption is a very intrusive process. We'd been through the home studies and social worker visits. We just wanted to be "normal". And afraid that what we suspected, namely fetal alcohol, would come true. It was possible to cope in the early years (although our friends wondered how we could manage our "handful" of a boy). But once we hit the teen years, it was impossible to cover up his special needs. And by then it was hard to do anything to change things. He was not responsive to any help, agreeing to counciling only briefly before deciding it was stupid. We will seek advice on how to protect ourselves legally. And believe you me, I was a person who thought I could manage my teens and persuade them to follow our ways and advice. He is 15, almost 16 and we cannot make him do anything. I am a strong personality. I have never successfully convinced him to do anything he didnt want to do. We have two other children, one with significant special needs (FASD with MR, just well attached to us). They need us. They've had a rough ride too. Yesterday my daughter invited new friends over spontaneously. We couldn't do that before because we never knew what ds's mood was. We will try to use this time to recuperate (once I've had some processing time). I am sure we will try and see him ...I'm wishing nothing more than being able to hug my boy. I'm not sure when. Miles quite far away. My niece will stay in contact with him. I sometimes take business trips to the city he is in so when I'm there I will definitely seek him out. We love him. He has hurt us but we love him. It seems love isn't always enough and that we've done what we could to give our son a foundation. And we will always be his mom and dad. I'm drained.

My niece just called. He's definitely not coming back. Her advice was not to fight it because anything we do will,throw fuel on the fire. (She is 33 and a mother so I do trust her. Social services has pretty much offered similar advice.) He sees us (me) as the source of all his troubles. And of course birth family is perpetuating that thought. My family (sisters etc read the hate text he sent me last night and said that we have done all we can. He has to figure it out. ) We will let social,services communicate with him. They may offer some services if they're involved and he goes to school. We will convey the message that we are always his family and that this is his home. I started a low sugar diet yesterday...definitely bad timing. I feel numb. (Honestly I think he'll be back but not for some time.)

I'm knitting socks. Socks are my favourite knitting project.

I appreciate the kind words and prayers.

Yesterday was horrible. I had a dialogue (texting) with ds which turned sour fast. He hurled every hurtful thing he could at me including repeatedly telling me I'm only his adopted mom not his "real" family. It's everything I've heard before in person but reading the words was very hurtful. Social services is trying to make contact with him today.

I'm a public servant so my wage is actually published in our newspaper. Everyone in town knows! :).

No meeting with my niece today. She has rheumatoid arthritis (has had arthritis since a child) and had a big flare up today. She apologized profusely. They'll try again Wednesday. Of course I'm disappointed. (Near tears disappointed.) But I know she would have met him if she could have. We'll see what happens Wednesday. Tomorrow I phone social services.

My niece just texted and said she's meeting my boy tomorrow. Yay!

Wow, I didn't for one minute think that might be a scam but you've got me thinking. It's surely not out of the realm of possibility. Anyway, he has his medical card for dr care. No money required to see dr and no one else can use card (I think). If he needs meds I'd have to pay but I would pay directly to pharmacy over phone. My niece did mention that she had a feeling sister's boyfriend was thinking my son = money. We r not sending money. He can forget that. He has had counciling but in the last few months refused any further appointments but there is one person with social services (source of counciling) that may be able to connect with him. I will talk to her Tuesday.

Not taken as snarky at all. Yes we want him home and yes it's hard to say that, given how disruptive he's been in our home. If his birth family was healthy, I'd maybe have a different response but they're not. But we don't want him home if its not his idea because that would be disastrous. And yes we do feel guilty enjoying the peace. But we shouldn't. We needed a break. I also want my boy to know we are his forever family regardless what happens. We do love him. A lot.

That's exactly the problem...he thinks we are the source of his problems. I know there is hope that in the future he'll see the light....that's what we pray will happen.

The first week I worried and anticipated a fairly quick return trip. The second and third week have been fairly restful, very peaceful. I can't remember our home being this peaceful in a decade. This past week the worry picked up probably because he phoned saying he was sick. Honestly we're a mixed bag of emotions. But thank you for the advice. We are trying to enjoy the fact that we're able to relax in our own home.

My niece just texted and said she will try and contact them today. She is still friends on FB with them and she said they posted beach pictures yesterday where everyone looks happy. (Oh and my eldest son said he still has contact with him on Facebook and saw pictures even this morning. ) I know it seems funny that we aren't rushing to where he is...I can't explain the years of abuse we suffered with this boy, it's hard for me to even write the word abuse but that is what happened. Last year I started getting counciling because I was suffering from PTSS. I am the primary target of his anger. Any time we consider going to where he is we just can't see the experience being positive for us or him. The police as well as child and youth mental health tell us there's little they can do if he doesn't want to be with us or get help. According to RCMP he is not a missing person. I think social services will try and connect with him this week. Although none of this negates the worry for him and for his future.