I'm a fairly loud volume person too. I also talk way too fast and have spent years unlearning that habit! So I get the distinction between that and yelling. Part of it is that is how my family just talked when I was a kid. Part of it may be that my mother was extremely hearing compromised (no hearing in one ear at all and only partial hearing in the other.) So that was interesting what you say about having a family member hard of hearing. I think that is definitely something that can come off poorly to those not accustomed to that need for volume.

The quick and dirty of it for my family is that my husband and I came into parenting committed to not taking out anger and frustration on our child. We had ok success with this. Life got very hard for a sustained period, between end of life care, navigating the ASD diagnosis waters and a severe bout of PPD after my second child was born. There was yelling. There was shouting. There was anger and frustration and steam and the whole kit and caboodle. We had to really intentionally reflect on and refine our values. No one would say my older son was "easy". He was very disruptive, explosive and angry. We realized that he, more than ever, needed a very consistent, firm but gentle approach and set, predictable routine. We radically shifted things around, including making room for homeschooling, physical fitness, counseling for pretty much everyone. For my older son to learn how to cope better with his big feelings and not hurt his family and himself physically and otherwise. For my younger son to handle the anxiety and stress he experienced having an explosive older brother. For mom and dad to process the frustration and desperation one feels when you can't seem to help a child. We added near daily yoga and meditation/mindfulness exercises, especially for the boys and me. I make mistakes on the regular. I am really awesome at...making mistakes. We all are. Part of being gentle with my sons was being gentle with myself. The cliche that you have to love yourself to love others really played out like a text book in my life. So that's a little of why this has worked well in our family.

Ok, someone on the yelling thread suggested a s/o thread for tips, tricks, ideas and strategies for not yelling at your kids and family or yelling less often. This is that thread. Some call in non-violent parenting, some call it non-coercive parenting, some call it gentle parenting, some call it positive discipline. Whatever the nomenclature, the general idea is the same. What this thread is not is a place to trash talk parents who either don't yell or seek to yell less often or to advocate for yelling or physical punishment. So if you think this is senseless crazytalk, it might not be the thread for you. Similarly, there is conversely literally no need to trash talk parents who don't parent this way. Respect: it's a two way street. No matter where your are in your parenting and gentle parenting approaches, you are welcome here, be that deciding you want to yell less often or having parented mostly without yelling since the start or for some time. Maybe you just have questions. All fine. I will post a little ditty about what worked for us (even with a special needs, explosive child) and some resources. I would love for others to do the same. Thanks all in advance for participating in this thread and not letting it devolve. (OPTIMISM!)

My husband made a very wise point about the idea of "blowing off steam". He pointed out that that means what is underneath is at a boiling/eruption point. Kids get that. They learn to placate the parent who they know may erupt, be that with humor or apologies or hiding/avoiding. Good stress management is effective stress management. Yelling escalates the stress cycle. Self care and other strategies are far more effective and help keep everyone calmer.

On the OT detour of Target and the gendered toy aisles. I assumed this had more to do with making their aisles more visually appealing. I swear the solid wall of pink and purple gives me a headache when I am gift shopping for my nieces. It's like a cotton candy bomb went off. Where's the harm in mixing it up a little? As the girl who wanted the Tonka truck and baseball glove instead of the Barbies and the mom to the boys who like both the pet shop and the Star Wars Lego sets, I appreciate the easing of reinforcing what girls and boys "should" like.

Dollars to donuts, the judgment you are feeling is internalized. I certainly am not judging you. I don't think the hive is either. You are reading a sense of condemnation into the posts that simply isn't there. I know a lot of great parents who struggle mightily with this.

This is a seriously unproductive attitude. You are creating a false equivalency here. Someone stating that yelling is a maladaptive coping technique does not mean you are sick, sucky or unawesome mom. I do have PTSD, not because I was as another poster postulated "born that way" but because I was assaulted and harmed as a child and I faced extreme economic hardship. It wasn't easy to let go of my anger and parent in a gentle, non violent way. There's no shame in admitting that I needed help to do that. Lots of reading, counseling, peer support, spousal support, self love etc. I am not perfect and I make mistakes on the regular. Being a gentle parent isn't about a contest or perfection or winning an awesome badge. Yes, volume can absolutely be violent. If not, why do we call all caps rude online? We don't (unless we have really gone off the rails) generally blow off steam by screaming at a cop or a priest or a shopkeeper. Why kids? Little, small, defenseless blessings for whom we are privileged to be entrusted to nurture and care. They deserve the best of us. If we yell at our kids, we really can't blame them when they yell back. It seems to me that you probably wouldn't tolerate your kids yelling at you and you would see that as something they needed to be punished for doing. Why are parents exempt from high standards of behavior?

http://theorangerhino.com/10-things-i-learned-when-i-stopped-yelling-at-my-kids-and-started-loving-more/

Yelling- shouting at someone in anger. Communicating at a violent volume. Often paired with shaming ("I can't believe you would do that) and other unkind words. I've seen a lot of yelling in my day. No one is a perfect parent or a wholly awesome person. I know parents who yell and parents who are the epitome of gentle. None of them are bad or perfect. For someone who tags herself "serene" I would assume you would be striving for...serenity. Yelling =/= serene. Obviously sometimes there's volume used for urgency or humor or utility (to get someone's attention in a big area or noisy room.). That's different than what most people are doing when they habitually yell at their children.

Yelling is not a "natural consequence". No one causes me to yell, it's something I do. It's not the kids' fault for making mom mad- that's the classic excuse used by who? DV abusers! "You provoked me." "You made me mad." "You made me do it!" Yelling in anger (rather than to get someone's attention across a big field or a crowded room or stop an immediately dangerous act) is a cultural and maladaptive coping technique. I don't claim to be immune of it but saying that it is a natural consequence is a straight up rationalization. If my kids have worn me out or bickered to the point I don't even want to be around them, a natural consequence is that I might need a break from them rather than being able to take them somewhere fun or do a planned activity. I can communicate that without yelling. Yelling, 9 times in 10, escalates the situation and passes on the maladaptive coping technique to the next generation. It's not letting them off easy to say, firmly and calmly "I need to take a 5 minute reset. We will read that book when we are all calm." I have high standards for their behavior. I don't want them to yell at me or each other or whoever. So why on earth would I make a habit of yelling at them? It's a cliche but kids learn from what they see you do, not what you tell them to do. If you want kids who don't scream, it's ineffective at best to scream at them. Not yelling doesn't mean speaking in a saccharine sweet falsetto that calls to mind creepy horror movies where the old lady innkeeper is about to let her husband hack you to bits but she's oh so sweetly checking you into the motel of which you can never check out. I can speak firmly. I can say I am really angry. I can be stern. I can be authoritative. None of that requires yelling. Most of us can get really upset in public without losing our cool and shouting at the store clerk or the late bus driver or the nurse who is annoying the frack out of us. We can and should use the same skills we use to not scream at strangers in public with our own, largely defenseless small children. When we see someone losing their sh!t in public, we quite often think they are insane or jerks. That's how a mom yelling at a small child looks to the child. No one is perfect. I am sure lots of loving parents yell. I don't judge people who lose their temper and don't know what to do about it. That doesn't mean it's necessary or without harm. Parents can do better. Kids deserve better. IME, moms who yell a lot/excessively CAN change if they get the help they need and learn to take care of themselves.

There is documented evidence of shell shock and a higher rate of suicide and violence by men returning from war going back hundreds of years. Do you realize how many Civil War vets came home not only physical injuries but mental health problems and long term, if not lifelong addiction to morphine and other drugs? And while I don't think this is your intention, your last paragraph shows a fundamental lack of understanding of the gains that kids on the spectrum can make with appropriate, early and proactive intervention. My dad is an elderly man who almost certainly has some degree of undiagnosed autism, based on how he relates to people and what his family recounts of his childhood and young adult period. His life would have likely been so different had he recieved any appropriate intervention. I know so many parents who rationalize not getting help for their children because they want to avoid "labels". Really, it's usually more about the parent's ego than what's actually best for the child.

We have bought three grave markers and two urn vaults since 2006. Check state law. Here the cemetary gave the impression we were required to order from one of their suppliers. We did that for the first stone and urn vault. It was really quite expensive- close to $5000 for a marker and an urn vault (which is essentially a box the urn is buried in). This impression of a monopoly was not correct. They could require certain sizes and specs but not that we order via them. We were able to save a lot ordering online. My mother's urn vault was 1/4 what we paid via the cemetery for my FIL's. Markers were 20-60% the list prices at the cemetery, often from the same sources. I don't know that the cemetery meant to give that impression (it is not a for profit place) but nevertheless, that is what happened.

Yes and on the cheap thankfully as we don't have a ton of extra money what we me not working so we can homeschool and my husband in school. We usually get tickets for free or cheap. The theaters are often really good about giving school kids dress rehersal tickets and we have been able to access that as homeschoolers. Also there are standby and rush ticket deals here that are really cheap and pay what you can days for many theaters. When my older son turns 13 he can register for something called teen tix and then it's $5 each for him and one adult companion to see pretty much all theaters and many music performances. I also worked in the ticket office of a major arts company here in college and have friends still working in more than a few places which allows me access to comps from time to time.

Start the applications for state assistance with respite and other care now. Most states have a long waiting list and you want to get onto the list ASAP. Fortunately my son's situation has been greatly improved by a combination of medication and therapy. We were hesitant to start meds but he needed the meds to calm down enough to be receptive to any of the skill building therapy. The meds are serious and came with a risk of side effects but ultimately we decided that we had to weigh the safety of our younger son (the primary target) against the possible negative impact of the medication to our older son. Regular counseling for us as parents helped as well.

Thanks for sharing. That's a powerful story about an ongoing, persistent problem and I am glad that so many donations are flooding in. I don't have a lot of extra just now but we gave something. The generational transfer of these company store type debts is especially horrifying.

I'm not wild about their marinara (carrots? Wut?!) or Italian themed dishes. The things we make the most often from there are the chickpea wraps with tahini dressing and the chickpea and broccoli burritos.

I was so tired I couldn't handle the prospect of making what I had planned for dinner (tandoori chicken and aloo gobi). I wanted something fast and cheap so I used this recipe from Thug Kitchen for BBQ bean burritos. The beans are *delicious*. I didn't want to make peach salsa when I have homemade salsa from yesterday to use up so I just used that. It was great. Because my kids don't like things too spicy, I used 1/2 the chiles in adobo sauce (2 instead of 4) and increased the orange juice and brown sugar a little. It's easier to add hot sauce or hot salsa on my plate than take it out of theirs. I used leftover Spanish rice, spinach, my leftover salsa and the beans to make mine. The kids had cheese with theirs. Pretty good. http://www.cookbooks365.com/bbq-bean-burritos-grilled-peach-salsa/ My husband will be happy when he gets home from work. We had to eat, there was no waiting. He isn't getting home til close to seven tonight so we just ate dinner at 5pm. I was starving. The kids can eat their dessert while he has dinner. I might just eat a second dinner, assuming I stay awake. That might be optimistic. :P What's for dinner at your place? Bonus points for easy recipes a lazy, tired mom can replicate. :).

Hair Lair?

I think that such a visit could be very carthartic. it might be hard but that doesn't mean it's not worthwhile.

Same here. I will never use hormonal birth control again and I am not interested in an IUD. The gynecological exam checklist includes asking about birth control. So long as the HCP accepts my answer (that we have sucessfully used FAM with backup barrier methods during fertile times for years), I am not bothered if they bring it up. Perhaps because I see an ND and my ARNP midwife for basic and routine care I haven't been pressured about birth control since right after my first son was born. Neither one of them has any interest in pitching me on something else. One doctor really did try to pressure me to get a depo shot post partum- I was not quite 23 at the time and they were treating me like they thought we were going to get pregnant again right away out of idiocy or something. I didn't want it (since depo is known to cause trouble with establishing milk supply) and had to be pretty insistent to get him to leave me alone. It was pretty obnoxious.

This happened to my aunt in the 1980s- she vehemently didn't want a tubal but ended up with one anyways. I am not sure if it was an accident (like mixing up which mom wanted a tubal and which mom did not) or if the doctor substituted his or her judgement for my aunt's.

http://eminism.org/readings/harmreduction.html A few general tips: -think through your own limits and what you can and can't do. Often, if kids are involved these boundaries are quite different. If a DV victim doesn't want to call the police or social services for things that are happening to her, that's her call. If kids are being harmed however, sometimes it is appropriate and life saving to call for them yourself. -if she leaves in a hurry at some point, encourage her to use any professional help she can access, including transitional, secure housing. Without careful planning, whoever she stays with can be in great danger. Think very carefully about what your response would be if she asks to stay with you. I've had two adult DV victims stay with me but I wouldn't do it again to be very honest, not with my kids in the house. Last year when my niece and nephew's parents DV situation was finally coming apart, I let the kids stay and that was fine but it was a decision made knowing the police response time and knowing the primary abuser very well (my brother who knows full well my husband and I don't mess around and wouldn't protect him and who I know to be violent but to have zero history with weapons and guns). Even then, there were nights when various things would happen and we would all go crash at an address my brother didn't have. -try not to judge her but you don't need to be part of the DV rationalization or excuse making process either, for either party. -offer her space to do things that she enjoys, be a regular part of her life to the degree that you can. One book that I have found helpful in understanding DV is called "Violent No More".

I get the reasoning but I still think it is rather paternalistic to try to limit access to sterilization. The young woman I was thinking of had 2 kids, was on the brink of homelessness and her not so dear abusive husband was scoring drugs on the way to the hospital. She'd decided right when she got pregnant that that was the second and last time. She hadn't changed her mind in 9 months. If he'd had his way she would have been pregnant all the time. Putting her foot down is part of why, years later, she was able to leave. I glad that she prevailed and they did the surgery. She is better off for it, her kids are better off for it. I have a friend who has zero interest in having children. She was finally able to get sterilized when she was in her early 30s. One reason she wanted it so much was because she didn't want to be able to change her mind. That's her prerogative in this country. The issue with long term reversible methods is that many would prefer to avoid the possible complications. I personally have zero libido with most hormonal methods, including Mirena. If I was done having kids I wouldn't want to be without a sex drive until I no longer needed BC. And IUDs aren't usually the method suggested for women who have never had kids. The risks of tubal ligation are lower than those of pregnancy and childbirth. I don't doubt some people make mistakes and are too hasty but that's still their decision.

I like the first one better.

Same. My dad is the oldest of nine children in a Catholic family. None of my aunts and uncles or him had more than 3 biological children. None of my siblings or cousins have more than 3 kids either.