Ah, and see I didn't even consider that one due to my anger and just being done with it all. That's a good response, though. That's really what had me shaking my head - how difficult things were made because she would not communicate with me nor include me in her communications with others. But expect me to jump when called. sigh

Do tell! 😉 🙂

You know, I needed to see this because even 2 days later, I am second-guessing that decision. It's not how I would normally react and my hands were shaking, I was fighting tears, but I was so, so angry and DONE. But was I wrong?? That question has plagued me constantly.

I'm lurking a lot, posting little, but know some of you are aware of what's transpired since 2020 w/my mom. Here's the next chapter - you really can't make this stuff up...but it's enough to make me question my sanity. Have had very, very limited interaction w/my mom. She does her thing, I do mine. It's like she lives back East instead of 2 streets away. It's been lovely. She mentioned back surgery and can we drive her to hospital/home (2 hours away)? Things were quiet and good so answer was sure, just can't do Tuesdays. Surgery was scheduled for release on T so she set up w/a friend to transport her (despite my telling her we could drive her there at least). OK, fine, right? Wrong.... She first told me that she would need 24/7 care for at least a week and, according to her doctor, NO lifting, bending, twisting, etc. I responded that home health was in order because no way am I touching someone who just had back surgery - that would be very foolish indeed! So she said to wait and see what her doctor and insurance advised. Came back and told me no help needed 24/7, just have folks check in on her even via phone. As I didn't know what to expect from the procedure, I said, "OK, keep me/us posted, we're available (save for actually picking up/touching her)." My sisters back East were not happy and were ready to come out here immediately to help, but Mom assured them of what her doctor said and things would be fine. Oy...... She didn't tell her doctor anything and she didn't convey to us what he actually said. He only found out she would be going home w/o the 24/7 care he instructed her to have in place the day after her surgery (one night in hospital, then home was the plan). So the day of her planned discharge, it's total chaos. Mom sent out a massive, panicked, victim-mentality message to all friends and family (I don't think I was supposed to be on the list) lamenting what was happening and isn't this just terrible?! Emergency meeting of care providers, hospital staff, insurance rep, etc. to get Mom to inpatient status and then rehab which, as it turns out, is what Mom wanted all along - nurses at her beck and call, waited on hand and foot, etc. This from what she conveyed to my sister. She refused offers of help from others, didn't tell others that offers were made, lied about what her doctor had said, and lied to her doctor as well. And yet she's the victim. For days pre-surgery I responded to her messages (and made sure to include my siblings in all correspondence) asking again and again if Mom's doctor/care team were aware of everything from her arrival to departure. Silence from her and now I know why. I called Mom out on what is either grossly negligent communication or outright lies. Silence. Well, not from my older sister who shredded me repeatedly for being a horrible, cold daughter who should rearrange my life for Mom (never mind that we were ready to help save for T when I have 55 students through my home - and Mom knew/acknowledged that). So that's this last M/T. Rehab facility gal called me on W morning and started rattling off all the things Mom will need me to do/bring. Apparently Mom is talking nonstop w/my sisters and all her friends, but not me. Rehab gal was contacted by my older sister (who lives on the East Coast and hates me) after Mom told sister to call them. This is just part of Mom's manipulation - silent treatment. So I stopped the gal and told her she could call my sister back and have her help instead. Silence on the other end of the phone. Yep, you heard me right, lady. Mom wants to talk only to older sister and ignore me completely? Older sister (completely financially dependent on Mom, btw) plays Mom's games? She can help. Leave me out of it. Goodbye and good luck - rehab folks will need it given how Mom treats people. I've not read the email my older sister then sent - younger sister strongly advised me not to, it's that horrible. Hate-filled, word bombs horrible. On-going silence from my mom. She's in rehab for at least one week, maybe two. What she has planned after that I don't know. She LIED to her doctor, to her kids, and to her friends so she could go to rehab. She was willing to let folks here (small community) and elsewhere think the worst of me and my family by saying we would not help her at all (or not correcting those who expressed the idea). My sister hates me, my mom hates me, and here I am, doing exactly what my mom told me to do, and I have all of it in writing. Every single thing in message form, yet that doesn't matter. There's even more that happened with this that is so ridiculous; it's the same deceit and manipulation, playing the victim, and ignoring anyone who points out the inaccuracies (aka lies). So here's the next twist which just happened last night: Older sister has COVID. She weighs about 300 pounds, smokes, is horribly unhealthy, and is in the hospital. She has only given permission for Mom and my brother (who stays safely in CA and indulges/enables her and my mom so that his life remains quiet - appease the crazies so they leave him alone) to call or get involved. BUT, ready for this??? Older sister is getting money from Mom and brother and is asking younger sister and myself for money. Again. I have refused her one penny all these years (that's an entire post of its own...), she hates me, but I'm good for funds??? I agreed to transport and light care, and end up with this. I don't understand this kind of behavior or thinking from Mom/sister - as younger sister says, it's like two mental patients relying on each other for advice and wisdom. That's all. I love lurking on posts that are about happy, healthy families. I love knowing there are moms/daughters/sisters who love each other and make each other's lives better. If you are friends with your family members, you are so very lucky. ETA: The last email I sent to Mom/siblings included a list of rules for future interaction, etc. regarding Mom's medical/health. One rule was that everyone had to be involved in message form (no more calls to each person with different things being said), or I would not be involved. So that is what really drove me to tell the rehab gal to contact my sister - Mom knows exactly what I said and is doing exactly the opposite, thinking I will jump to it and help.

OK, so right now the hide has been thoroughly scraped, washed, and salted. It has been a tremendous experience for the dc!! They are putting hours and hours into this, and my detail-oriented 16yod is absolutely loving this. They're taking it step by step so hopefully something really neat will come from this. As to the reason the friend considered us first... In the past this friend has gotten javelina and deer which he has allowed our dc to help process. He was a bit surprised the first time when none of them balked and actually did a good job! He gave the antlers and legs to the kids as a joke one year - he thought they would all just end up in the trash. But our dc (actually, it was our now 16yod's idea) buried the legs feet-up in our front yard and also buried the antlers such that it looked for all the world like an entire deer was buried there. Oh my gosh, people walking by, cars slowing down as drivers did a double-take - it was hilarious! So the "game" game has gone on for a while now with each round involving a different animal. I think our friend just delights in knowing kids, including teen girls, who are not squeamish or afraid of getting their hands dirty. So that's the history there. Our friend has a back up plan in case the dc run into trouble. He just wanted to give them first dibs and, while I was very skeptical, it's turning out to be a really amazing thing to watch them do.

We were offered the brain but I didn't take it. Not sure why...not using my own brain well, I suppose!

Got it. Most of meat off tonight, rolled it and have it on ice until tomorrow.

That would be marvelous, thanks!!

A friend got a large elk and gifted us the hide. I'm not sure if I should be thankful or if the relationship is now in jeopardy because this is WAY out of my element! He said to stretch it out, clean off all meat, wash it well, then salt it and roll until we are ready to use it (I think in his freezer?). That's all I've got. A pioneer woman, I am not. At all. I would throw this thing in the trash, personally, but it could be a super cool experience for at least one of my dc. Any help/suggestions? Please don't offer using the brains because that's too much. It just is.

Passing on all of this to her - I appreciate you all so, so, so much.

Also, tonight as she hugged me goodnight she was fighting tears and said, "Mom, it is so defeating to sit across from your doctor and be told you are "healthy" according to all test results, but you know you're not." My poor girl. She eats so healthy, she takes care of herself, she has so much spirit. My heart hurts for her because she's just so tired of this. 😞

I will copy/print all of these suggestions and talk with her tomorrow. I'm not sure about endometriosis - I know hormone panel and u/s were the first step and then she'll meet w/her physician next week (the day before she is to head back to school...oy). Autoimmune...I will ask if this has been discussed w/her doctor as well. I don't know...she was tested pretty regularly as part of the school's protocol and never got a positive result. She's tested while at home this summer a few times just to rule that out. Yes - we live in higher elevation AZ and she was in Boston. She dearly wants to go back - she enjoys it so much and is thriving as far as classes, friends, involvement in groups, etc. She can take a LoA with no repercussions - the school is very generous in that way. We have discussed and she acknowledges that being so far away might make things much harder (I was ready to fly out overnight in the spring when she was so sick). She doesn't know what to do and while I want to just tell her what to do, I can't. Not that she would fight me or hate me for saying, "Stay home," but I know she wants to make the decision herself. She does know that if she goes and things go badly, we'll not hesitate to bring her home. Whatever she decides, we'll support her and do what we can to help. Possibly, yes. She is on a supplement now. I will update as I can. Thank you all SO much for the suggestions/input!!

I am at a loss. Dd spent a good majority of her freshman year of college feeling very unwell. She went from being super healthy and energetic while at home to fighting debilitating fatigue, debilitating cramps/abdominal pain, nausea, headaches...it was rough. She tested negative for COVID save for when she was home over Xmas break. In April I told her to get her butt to the campus health (again) and not let them send her home until she had an order for blood work and anything else they would/could do. Test results showed recent mono and borderline low iron. She came home in May, slept for what seemed like a week straight, spent a few weeks recovering her strength, then started working and things went downhill immediately. I had her track her cycle to see if we could figure out the cramping, she had numerous blood tests which showed iron is fine but slightly elevated a1c1 and slightly high cholesterol. She exercises regularly save for when the fatigue hits hard (as it has today). She will literally go from looking/sounding/acting like a healthy and fit teen to pale, weak, and insanely tired teen overnight. She is in tears from frustration and being so, so tired. This girl is not one to give in to any sniffle or sneeze; she's pretty tough and down to earth so for her to be struggling like this (physically, emotionally, mentally) is pretty serious. Again, I am at a loss. She's about to head back to college and I am scared. Last week she talked about not going back because she doesn't know how she'll cope with classes if the fatigue/cramping make her unable to even get out of bed. She's eliminated foods, she's tracked different things, and nothing seems to be the culprit. Advice?

I have to say that I am stunned at the fact that the mom had the guns at all. She is about a 9.5 on a scale of 1-10 as far as protective. My kids can go out of my sight at a park but hers cannot (her youngest is 10). It took some time before she would let her kids come over here w/o her and she was nervous about them playing out front. So the fact that this happened is really shocking. But yes, definitely rethinking things.

Tonight I came home after a few hours out and about with 2 of the dc to news that stopped me completely still as the realization of what could have happened, of what our life could be right now, hit me. I had to take some time to gather my thoughts before I could gather the kids to talk. Well, more than talk. I had dh take our 4yo out of the room so he would not repeat the words I was sure to say or more like yell. And yell I did. I yelled and I spoke quietly and I yelled some more. And I cried. A lot. The children know I am posting this because what happened needs to be shared and discussed with your own kids and your friends' kids and their friends' kids. We've talked to our kids about gun safety. They know to never, never, never touch or play with a gun in someone else's home. Ever. We have Airsoft rifles that are securely stored away - they are not toys just laying around. We have a BB gun that is also stored away - it's for fun but not for casual use by kids who don't always make good choices. Our kids were at a friend's house where two BB guns were being used w/o bullets. The targets were the many mushrooms sprouting up in this rainy, damp weather. Our kids have been over there frequently and vice versa. I did not know BB guns were out and, had I known, I would have darn well said something to my kids and to the other family. My kids know to not even touch a gun, bullets in it or not, unless a responsible adult is present and no other kids are around. For some reason, bullets were put into one of the guns tonight. Why? No clue. So some kids were shooting the gun w/o bullets, and some were shooting the gun with bullets. My 6yo picked up the gun that he thought did not have bullets in it. The kids were all standing around in a group, 6yos said he was trying to aim somewhere else, and he shot 12yos in the neck. My hands are shaking even as I'm typing this. 12yos has a scratch, but it could have been so much worse. Any one of those kids could have gotten a BB in the eye, face, chest, base of the skull, etc. Or the bullet, instead of grazing 12yo's neck, could have been a devastating hit. Our evening together as a family tonight could have been so much different. My phone could have rung with news a mother fears most. I remember a gal 20 years ago sharing with me how shocked she was that, despite her son knowing about gun safety and all that, he still took out his parents' gun when a friend was over and his parents were gone. We talk to kids and try to model proper behavior, but this still happens. Somehow, for reasons I don't understand, we got lucky tonight. We were not a story on the news, and I could reach out and touch 12yo's hand as he sat beside me. Parents, don't leave guns of ANY kind out for kids to just use. And never assume your kid(s) will do the right thing. 6yos did not intentionally shoot 12yos. But even kids who "know" what to do don't always do what they should. Being "raised right" or homeschooled or talked to about gun safety are never a guarantee. I also made my kids read news stories about kids their age(s) who did not fare as well from being shot w/a BB gun. I didn't hold back tonight - there was no gentle parenting happening. Feel free to chastise me for yelling at my dc or for doing something wrong in all of this. Seriously.

Thank you all...again...for helping me sift through a situation. I love that I can sit down and lay out what happened, knowing the Hive will offer a variety of perspectives and thoughts.

I played out in my mind over and over what I could say to the mom and the problem is that her dd doesn't make "unfounded accusations," at least not in her eyes nor in her son's eyes. At this point, after talking over things again w/my dc this morning, both the girl and her brother are "going after" my ds for things that were accidental. They have taken it upon themselves to play vigilantes - it's that blind loyalty and readiness to accuse and attack without caring that there may be another side of things. I just got done having a long talk w/my dc and they know we will not be participating in any contact sport/activity with the other family. My first thought this morning was that I understand that the other mom wants her dc to be safe physically, but I want my dc to be safe emotionally/mentally. I cannot imagine "going off" on someone's dc and am not about to set my dc up for her to do that again. It's crazy - I see these things as accidents that are easily addressed and learned from, not drama-filled blaming and revenge incidents.

The girl has only recently been on the rink with the others. She's not been steady enough on skates and she got frustrated that she couldn't keep up. There are kids from 6-17 (8 of them my own) who play together throughout the week and they honestly do a fantastic job. My little guy has never gotten hurt, they don't body each other, and they play very respectfully. It's actually one of the highlights of our time together - no one is excluded and everyone has always had a lot of fun. But 4 injuries happened all in a row, 2 of which were avoidable (shin/stick and ball/face). Even the stick and the neck injury could have happened in an ordinary, lit up game as my ds and the other boy are on the same age divisiion/league. The girl's behavior I'd seen before she was old enough to get on the rink. At the park right beside the rink she would run and tattle on other girls who had done nothing wrong. My own dd was not allowed to hang out at the park w/o me present (and I was very glad when my dd spent most of her time on the rink skating). No one enjoys having this girl on the rink but everyone has been respectful. But we've now learned that in her eyes (and her mom's), everything is deliberate and worthy of being whined about. Other kids have gotten bumped, have fallen, and have even had sticks hit various areas of their bodies. No one whines or blames anyone - at least they didn't until just this last week.

We tried Nerf twice and never went back for this very reason.

It's an outdoor rink - no cameras - and it was Glow Hockey. And as I talked w/my dc again about exactly what happened, it is easy to see how the situation could have happened even in daylight or with the lights on. Two kids went down, they were fine, one was sitting up, the other stood up and pulled his stick away from the other kid's stick. I think that even had cameras been available, the mom would have reacted the same.

Chocolate consumed...trying to calm my brain. More discussion w/dh and we know that while immediate distancing is a given (thankfully, their family will be out of town for a few days), there will be no further activities such as hockey or soccer at the park (previously one of our favorite evening events). The mom clearly (and loudly) stated that she can't have her dc playing and getting hurt while with our dc, so no more playing. Because I can't have my dc fearing so much as a bump or trip against her dc . So for everyone's protection, nothing physical. That's all I have for right now. And I'm out of chocolate - had to dig stuff out of the freezer just to find that last stash of chocolate chips.

I literally just got done talking about this w/my dh. I should clarify that this is the first time the mom has raised her voice to any of my dc. There was an issue (again, because of her dd) 2 years ago that was resolved calmly but then nothing until the dodgeball night. The mom didn't make a scene when she got angry then, she just left despite it being obvious that she was very angry. The shins/stick thing she was again obviously upset but didn't go off on my ds and, when I got a chance to bring it up (I think it was the next day), all was fine. So tonight was surprising in that she was so vocal, and it's hard to describe the "vibe." My brain was whirling as fast as it could as I sifted through how to handle things. To me, at that moment, I just wanted her to go away which is exactly what she did. She raised her voice, told the group that she needs her dc to be able to come to the rink and playbut not have her dc get hurt, etc. She wasn't in my son's face screaming at him (and I'm sorry if my OP made it sound that way), but she was obviously upset at yet another injury and, unfortunately, by the same kid whose stick hit her dd's (unprotected) shins. All that being said, my only thought was to get her gone and get the dc together to talk through it immediately. From what my dc have expressed tonight, the mom embarrassed herself. The dc were not upset at what she was saying because they all shrugged their shoulders and said, "It was an accident...any of us could have been the one to have done it/had it done." Maybe I gambled on them knowing her and her dd well enough that I could wait the minute or so before she left? Removal was first on my mind - get her out of here. And had I spoken up I know she would have stayed and argued. I didn't want someone in her state of mind sticking around and possibly saying something really bad. Honestly, I keep replaying tonight over and over, wondering if I should have done or said this or that. My only thought was to gather the dc around me without her there so we could talk it out - get the facts, see that it was an accident, go over getting help, etc. My defensive mama mode was definitely there, trust me, but my protective mama mode was much stronger. I'm not sure, had I let defensive mama mode take over, that things would have gone as they did. I may have been wrong and if so, I'm sorry. 😞 My kids know, especially after tonight, that I listen, "sift and sort," and talk through stuff fairly and openly. I guess I couldn't see that happening with drama mama present. It almost felt like, if I engaged with her, that I was allowing her to continue and control instead of having her removed and therefore controlling the situation myself.

Yes. I feel that suddenly all this time - a couple of years now and definitely this last year - of keeping the peace and knowing how to respectfully maintain a friendship was altered abruptly by the mom's response tonight. And my response...I don't know...maybe I was sure I knew what to say to the dc? I just couldn't see escalating the situation. I don't know. I hate drama and conflict.

I will share this with my dc tomorrow. My dh was standing there but he also felt that saying something would have made things much worse. This is not a mom one tries to reason with when it comes to her dc, especially her dd. But I was waiting right there so as soon as she was out of hearing distance, I talked with the group. I think the vibe is that everyone, kids included, knows to not try and reason with her - they were all quiet, even my 7yos who is not one to keep quiet (and he is the one who heard my son ask if the other boy was OK). So yes, I would love to tell her that she will raise any future problems with me privately, but in my mind I envision one of those situations between two grown people in a grocery store or something - voices raised, fingers pointed, etc. I don't give anyone an opportunity to act like that in front of me or especially in front of kids. So I honestly didn't know how to help the situation beyond letting her storm off then having an audience (sans drama mama) with those who were still there. And that's why I came here as soon as I walked in the door. I cannot talk to the other mom about this right now and maybe not ever. I think things will definitely change - my dc know we won't be inviting them to the rink any time soon. Or the park. Or our house. Distance for sure. Because I promise she won't listen - she won't. Her kids are perfect in her eyes and her daughter the most perfect of all. Which stinks because I adore her oldest son and, when there is no issue with kids/injury, the mom is actually super pleasant and fun to be around. It's very sad that this all happened and that she reacted as she did. It was an accident. 😞

Ah, good point. Because our dc get along so well with her kids (her oldest son is the sweetest kid ever), and because time with them was mostly with kids on the rink, things were OK. We didn't just hang out with each other beyond rink time or when they are here for a class. It's just been this summer that we've been together more and nothing happened until the dodgeball night. Then the stick-to-the-shins came right after that and the mom even admitted that they were all on edge. But her son took it upon himself to go after my ds even though her son didn't actually see what happened - he went blindly on the word of his brat sister. After that, things calmed down. I even had a chance to talk w/the mom and her dd briefly at my house - didn't call the girl out as being what she is, didn't embarrass her, but did tell everyone there (my dc were all present) that if something happens to 1) ask if the other kid is OK and 2) get help from an adult if need be. So that's what we focused on tonight. My ds thought the kid was fine. He had no clue the kid was not OK. So ds and all of my dc have been told to go find an adult immediately because the first one to hear that the boy was hurt was the brat girl, and she definitely worded things such that it sounded like my son had hauled off and whacked the boy full on with his stick on purpose. 😞 I don't have perfect kids, but none of them would have done that. Ever. I even had my ds role play what had happened and it is so obvious that it was an accident.