Our family's most favorite movie is "Oscar" - our cats are named after the characters and we quote lines on a daily basis. A few of our favorites: "That's OK...I'll get it!" (when the phone rings or someone knocks on the door, and of course in the same super nasally voice as in the movie) "Expeditiously" (Snaps' word for the day) "You are an ox AND a moron!!" (oh gosh, I'm giggling just thinking about that scene) "It's like disarming Germany!" (whenever the kids see me digging through/emptying my purse, lol) "Of course I knew...I just had no idea!" (my kids' excuse for so many things now) "This is your third (insert whatever it is here) and it isn't even lunch yet!!" Such a great movie...

Living (as best I can) it now. Didn't think it would happen to me - such foolishness. Right now I'd say it's more a midlife almost-crisis and only the fact that I still have my younger dc at home and can focus/pour into them keeps me going. I don't go to church anymore. I don't pray. I don't believe in a lot of what I did and find the "sunshine" in my thoughts and general outlook on life, especially what is yet to come, is not there. I don't laugh - I realized that a year or so ago when an old friend came to visit and I was shocked when I heard her laugh. I ignore my dh (and he does the same with me) - it keeps us married. Part of my midlife almost-crisis was realizing one day that I will most likely never feel a loving touch or experience a kind, loving look or word again. That knocked the wind out of me emotionally. It was about that time that I realized what is coming as far as dc leaving the home...and I can't even think about that without facing some really dark emotions. For the first time ever, I realized why some people make some choices - leaving their spouse, walking away, or worse. And I realized that the word "crisis" is just that, and I never used the term lightly again because if I feel this way with what I would deem an almost-crisis, I cannot imagine what it would be like to be in a full crisis. I'm more angry and negative now, and I hate it. I experienced a few days of almost happiness and normalcy (it's been so long since I felt that way, it was quite strange) when I took only my dc away for a week. Dh didn't go with us. It was lovely and I never wanted to go home again. As it's still on going, I can't answer as to how long it will last. My coping means I accept that this is how it is for now, and try not to think that it may get worse. What helps? Spending time with my dc. Holding my 6yos. Staying up late and then reading until I don't have the energy to think before falling asleep. Staying busy. Not thinking too much on anything. Avoiding dh. Exercising - keeping that time when I can watch a movie and check out mentally, even if only for an hour or so. Honestly, I'm really scared. Like really, really scared. The other night was so bad, I almost drove myself to the E.R. to be committed. Never felt that way before, not even with all the sad or horrible crud that came my way. Not much help, sorry.

A kindred spirit! Although that's even more than dh and I have done since after the first or second year. Those first 2 years...whew, we were just crazy newlyweds! We actually thought to say, "Happy Anniversary" to each other, although only in passing and at about 11:58pm. And that wild behavior ended pretty quickly - it was just too much effort. I think we may have given each other a thumbs up in passing on our 25th. That milestone called for something more special, hence the purposeful action. lol

Guess what my mom wore to my wedding? My dress was ivory lace, mid-length skirt. So was hers. I found out when she walked into the church. She was with me when I chose my dress so she knew what she was doing. Oy. I'd definitely say something about attending the reception w/o an RSVP.

She would love to do ice, but the age restrictions are against her (she just turned 17) for everything we've found. But I will keep looking.

An update: The rosters for the upcoming tournament were released, yet there were 2 in the 18U division which were glaringly not posted. Until today. The player for whom many of us were hoping 16U would happen - a kid who wasn't deemed good enough (or so we were all told) to be on 18U and whose mom (the team "parent") just sent a super upbeat, "cheerleader-ish" email to all of the families saying how wonderful it is to have higher level players on the team and let's just show positivity to our players - her kid is on an 18U team. So are a few others which were not expected. I should have confessed, I suppose, after I dropped a load of swear words any sailor would be proud of...but I didn't. And I won't. Because I cannot believe the hypocrisy and underhanded way in which this was done. Rosters posted at the last minute and clear indication that 16U is nothing more than warm-up for 18U (which has its games right after 16U). Oh, and the whole thing about needing to add to the roster because of numbers - B.S. Some of the teams have FIVE players. Two divisions have only two teams. This was about not saying 'no' to the higher level players and parents, and keeping things quiet about just how many higher level players are on 16U as well as 18U. I feel...ugly angry.

You nailed it regarding the elite players having their own teams and why they are playing "down." It's pathetic because one of the moms is thrilled that the "local talent" is coming back to the program (these players bailed years ago for other, better options). But these elite players don't give two hoots about anything local; this is all about them and their on status, awards, etc. And they have no plan on staying - the parents have made that clear. They're still signed up with a very elite travel team; this is just "filler" for them. I don't know about the funding - I'll find out, though. Parents are not allowed at any meetings. The managers/admins have been put in place by the vote of 2 people - no one else was allowed to run for the Board and no one is allowed at those meetings. Parents can sign up as coaches, but I promise you they'd never let me on the bench because they know I wouldn't let the players be selfish or unfair. Right now they're just hoping I'll take my players and go away. I'm definitely the Pain in the Butt Who Reads Everything and Understands the Rules. But I can't change anything - the entire organization is too closed up, and most of the parents don't care enough to actually do anything.

I thought about this, actually - the lawyer thing. I took screenshots of the rules and division description just in case I need them for legal purposes. We considered ice but it's too late for dd to join a team at this point in the season. And yes, we've lost so many coaches because of the toxic environment and horrid leadership. We also have a player whose dad pays him for goals. This is also the dad who yells, "NEVER PASS - (insert boy's name here), NEVER PASS!!!" And the coach, when approached about this, did nothing. So the parents took things into our own hands (nicely). The boy now passes and we ignore the idiot dad who is convinced his kid is the next Olympian. It's pretty bad.

The players are not allowed to be older than 16 - there is a birth year cutoff. The dilemma is that there are 16-year olds who play super elite, high-level 18U hockey, and those players were not supposed to be on this developmental division. So while it is 16U, it's not a typical 16U, if that makes sense. They're trying to retain the Silver level players coming up from 14U. And yes, dd's safety is making me lay awake at night from worry. She's fast and has great defensive moves, but she's so small compared to the boys.

There are decent, team-player kind of players, yes. And I'm desperately hoping dd will be with those players because if not, she's going up and down the rink, cycling, and just watching instead of playing. That's if she's put on the rink at all now. Yes, she can drop out mid-season. In fact, if the team is deemed too good and told to move up to 18U, she'll drop out whether she likes it or not. I won't be surprised if that happens and with the additional players, the coach won't care if he loses 1-2 of his "lesser" players.

I've not found field hockey here. I watched a lacrosse game...nope. I also saw the numerous and rather gruesome injuries our friend's son acquired while playing lacrosse...yuck. At least with roller hockey, there is a lot of protective gear and some rules about checking/bodying, etc. It's also hard because she's been with some of the hockey players for about 3 years (the actual 16U players, that is). I know she's not wanting to leave that group.

There was a statement/description of what this division was for (that will be changed now) and a code of conduct, declaration about building great kids as well as great players, etc. It's all type and hype, as we're finding out.

We had a chat tonight and this is how it went. It's not even mid-season as the first tournament hasn't even happened, but for her it's been weekly practice since last fall so she's invested a lot of time and effort into this. I told her it's her decision, but I definitely qualified that with what I am struggling and why.

Roller hockey.

The elites are improving. The rest are sink or swim, pay to play but maybe don't be played at all. There really isn't another venue for her. She is passionate about playing, but other options are out of reach due to cost, location, her age, etc. If there was something else for her, we'd jump on it. But there's not. 😞

And that's what makes this so hard - this division was for those kids who wouldn't normally continue with the sport to be able to play against/with players at their level. The communication has been zero - unless one is a coach or an annoying mom who reads everything and follows through without letting up until she has answers (and then is told to be quiet and go away), the rest of the parents/players won't realize what's going on until tournament day. And that's just not fair.

Boys cannot play down a level; girls used to be allowed to play down 2 levels. The problem was that in the younger ages, the girls dominated horribly and it was very unfair. But with the teens, the girls are at a distinct disadvantage so now the rule, which is across the board, only allows for girls to play one level down. But the elite players who were at 18U Gold? These boys can play down THREE levels to what was 16U Silver. When I asked about that, I was shut down. Given that my player is a girl, this is really stacked against her. She is exactly the kind of player for whom this division was created. She shouldn't be on the rink with boys who compete nationally. And neither should the other true 16U players. The reality is that this sport caters to the elite players. The parents are on the boards. The parents are coaches.

I kind of wish this was how the leveled-down players actually felt, but they don't. They are more than happy to play down and annihilate lesser players. If team mates sit on the bench the entire tournament, that's totally fine with the elite players (and their parents). With the higher level players present, it's all about them and no one else. That was in play from the first practice with both levels of players. The disconnect is evident, the ugly attitudes (from the higher level players mostly) is disgusting.

Update: Got a very terse email back from the head guy in charge. I asked last night about the rule which is still in place on the group's page regarding the number of elite players who are allowed on a team. He said the rule is being changed. Didn't talk to any of the parents of the original players. So then I asked if the description of the division would also be changed at it was, from the start, clearly stated as a developmental division for Silver level players. His response was that he will no longer be answering my emails, things are what they are, and that's that. Totally shut down. I read and reread my messages, asked advice from a few friends who read my emails (which were not rude - I promise, I erred on the side of being too nice and asking questions, not throwing accusations), and realize I've been shut down because this new division, which is absolutely not 16U and not at all Silver level, is solidly in place now. I am in tears. My kid wants to play - doesn't care win or lose (which is totally different than the coach's attitude that it's all about the win). I want to pull her. I don't want to pay for something that has changed so much. I know she'll sit on the bench while these insanely, pretty much semi-pro level players dominate a once developmental division. And these elite players still have their team on the next level up. Since they were told no to being on 16U as a team, they simply dispersed to different teams. Doesn't matter to them - they'll still win, get awards, status, stats, and all that. I hate this.

My kids play in the Rec leagues - unfortunately, the same coach has made it a practice to go the opposite direction with Rec. He moves newer players up who are smaller, unable to stop, and truly make things dangerous (so as to "improve" the newer players), and he focuses on those newer players to the exclusion of the seasoned players. His response when this was brought up was, "That's what travel is for - let the better players move to travel." Only not all of those players/families want or can do travel. We used to have an amazing private coach. He is now the head jerk in charge who doesn't give two hoots about the kids save for stats and stars. I have approached another guy about private coaching and would happily go that route, but that may not play out - still waiting on details. And yes, the cost is what really gets to me. I was willing to pay for a developmental division as it's my one player's last chance at something like this. But now I'm paying for her (not him) to be passed up so the elite players, who continue to have their own team on the next level up, can dominate this no longer developmental team.

I have contacted everyone from local coach to head of the entire thing. Communication went from reassurance that this division was "developmental" (and I have screenshots of that from the main page for the organization) to some allowances to changing the rules completely. I can do nothing at this point because the higher level players dominate the teams, and so my voice and my player's presence have no weight. If all 3-4 of the lower level players left, it would hurt the team. There are 2 of us strongly considering doing so. The problem really lies in the fact that "yes" is said when it should be "no." It's money and numbers and status. And it's parents...oh, the parents just make me want to throw a rock through a huge picture window. I have considered going directly to the coach (who was a one-time friend...no longer a friend at all) and remind him that this was a developmental group, balanced playing time, etc. But he won't listen. He used to be all about "fun and fair for all," but that changed right quick when he got control of the program. And the players coming in who are elite expect to dominate the game, which is what will happen. This hurts so much. The betrayal to the true 16U players for whom this division was created is intensely felt, but it doesn't matter to anyone who could do anything about it.

Seems I have more situations requiring the WWYD question lately than anything light. Sports situation: Travel level team, new 16U division created after years of hoping and waiting, specifically for 14U Silver level players who want to continue yet aren't ready for the 18U jump in ability. Parents signed up for 16U, paid fees including for a once/week practice session. Players have been practicing since September or so. Official rosters were released in November. An elite (think nationally-ranked) player is on the team. His age is right, but ability level clearly not so. Question posted to head folks as to why players are allowed to move 3 levels down - from 18U Gold to 16U Silver. Told it is fine, only 2 higher level players allowed per team. All rosters supposedly approved after comparison with all rosters from all teams turned in. Last week, email sent out that 2 more players are being added - one very good; one playing for elite 18U team. As they are involved with another competitive sport, they can't attend practices until April, but they will be at tournaments starting in February. They will "help the team win games." Team had not played one tournament yet - no chance for these players who've been working their butts off since last fall to show what they can do. Emails are flying, questions being asked. Result: rules have been changed regarding higher level players. No longer limited to 2/team. So now teams across the 16U division are more 18U Silver at the least. Our roster had 8 players - ideal for max play time - 4 on/4 off. With 10 players, 2 will be bench warmers or sent out to give the "real" players a breather. Guess whose kid was a true 16U player and so happy to have a division to be in? Along with 3 others, we've been blindsided by this sudden change. Parents of elite players known for taking advantage of any tournament they can get their kids into for stats. They boast openly about how amazing their kids play (which is true) yet ignore guidelines for ability-based divisions. And powers-that-be allow it because these players bring in more fee $ and status. WWYD? Right now, if this goes as I believe it will, we will be paying around 2K for a kid to maybe get 1-2 minutes (if that) during tournaments. This same kid will show up every week for a 2-hour practice, but won't get played when it really counts. It would not have been this way had the elite players not been allowed on a division which, again, was clearly and repeatedly touted as being for the non-elite players, rather a chance for Silver level players to take a gentle step up. The thing is, my kid wants to keep playing. But everything in me rises up and screams at the wrongness of this. And then there's the $. This is a huge, huge investment for us financially and with time. And it's watching this kid put so much into something that won't be what this player (or the other truly 16U players) signed up for. The division has literally been stacked with top of the top players. How did this happen? These top players are all on one elite team which asked to be included on the 16U division. They were told nope. So the parents divided up their players between teams, putting 2-3 elite players on teams which were to be Silver (think JV compared to Varsity or even All-Star/All American). I want to pull my kid. My kid wants to stay. I feel almost violent disrespect and disgust for the coach and those parents who can't let this one division just be for the kids who need it. Their elite players will dominate and add to their stats and stars, and the other players, who should have been playing their hearts out, will be watching from the bench. Again, WWYD? If you would keep your kid in the program, how would you reconcile the wrongness of it all? Oh, and the true 16U players who were "wooed" and told how vital they were to the program/team and oh, we're so excited to have this team (last fall)? Now told, "Well, you can get your money back." No apologies. Nothing. Just a message that they don't matter now.

I'm forwarding every response to dd - thanks, everyone!

Dd needs a credit card but is not sure which one is best. She knows how to get one but the fees and foreign aspect are new to her (and me). So before I steer her in a completely wrong direction, I came to the Hive. 🙂

Dd is headed to Paris for the spring semester and is asking my advice on credit cards. I have no clue. Any input from those with experience with this?