Yes and yes. When she is quiet and leaving me/us alone, it's marvelous and I truly do not wish to ever see or hear from her again. And yet there is so much I have not said to her, and things keep happening which add to that list. Sometimes I get tired of holding it all in from her and then I get angry because I want to speak my mind but know it might blow up in my face.

This was my mom as I was growing up, but physical fear was her thing. She left her kids terrified of what she would use as she came after us for things we didn't even know we'd done wrong. Oh, the day I was able to look at her and say if she so much as lifted her hand toward me, I would knock her down. That's when her words became her weapon instead of her hands or whatever was in her hands. But you know, to this day I still won't turn my back on her when she's angry or hurt.

Even if I could calmly present the list and maintain a detached, business-like demeanor, she would most definitely twist and manipulate it against me. So here I have this powerful "tool" of sorts, but I can't let her know I have it. What kind of craziness is that??

Without you all, whether it's stuff with my mom or my dc, I would be out screaming at the trees or something. Last night I had to stay right here and it was my safe place for sure.

I could not sleep last night until after 3am, and then I had the most horrifying horrible dreams, I was to afraid to go back to sleep. Feeling pretty crummy today in every way, and yes to knowing she's not experiencing the same angst.

As someone who remembers way too much, both good and bad, this is so hard for me to understand even though I know you are right. I've witnessed my mom forgetting things, and I know there is much from just the last 3 years she's been here that she would deny doing/saying. I think that's one reason her message of "love" shocked me so much. The last correspondence between us regarding her lies and manipulation ended in silence on her end and a removal of me from her medical contact/representative. Does she actually not remember what she said/did? That is all I can think of that would now lead her to send me this declaration of "unending love."

This is my mom as well. Her eyes light up and she gets the most hideous smile on her face when she sees someone else angry - she's ready for a nasty, horrible fight (which she then relates to others as all the other person's fault and not hers). At the worst of my anger, it's knowing that I have not crossed the line and behaved like my mom that has calmed me down and held me back. If I unhinge on her, it feels like I will be joining her. For almost 30 years I have used silence and/or quiet calm as my defense. It was that which led her, in one of her rages, to wish me dead. She was in a blind rage because I would not participate in the fight she desperately was pushing for. I hope it doesn't come down to that - being unhinged with her. She would love it, and so I don't do it. I want to - she has no clue how much rage I could unleash on her, yet she would soak it in and actually enjoy the anger. Dear God, that is just sickening. For those who have watched the scene from Star Wars where the Emperor is watching Darth Vader almost kill Luke, remember the sick look on the Emperor's face? That's my mom, and it was watching that movie as a kid that made me realize what her personality was, even though I didn't understand the depth of her hatred/anger.

double post - sorry

This is a hard one for me to read even though I know it's true. There is still that thing in me that thinks something I say (yell??) will actually get through to her. It's foolishness, I know. It's been a year, I think. My friend who is in town once/year was here and she just left a week or so ago.

My fear is what I might actually say. In all my adult years, I've not gone on a screaming rampage against anyone (not in person, at least). Memories of my mom doing that to others and with me have held me back, because the things she said that she can never take back, the horrible hurt, and the hate-filled moment...I never wanted to be part of that, especially as the one going off on/at someone. Even if I were justified, I'm still so afraid. I think I don't care so much how it would affect her - in fact, I don't care at all. But how would I feel about giving in to my own emotions? Maybe it would feel horrible...or it would feel great. I don't know...yet it's also true that the effect of holding back is being felt by me, and that's not good, either. This just stinks.

I'm going to catapult myself off this chair and make a beeline for the bike, so please don't think I'm ignoring anyone. You ladies are...oh gosh, cue the waterworks...again. What would I do without you all? OK, I have to go find some tissues...

I think I have reached a point of not zen but at least able to shrug things off. But this one...can't do it.

Ah, yes, you are so right. Thank you.

I know exercising might help but I can't make myself get up and go do it. I feel like I'm barely keeping it together and so remain on my chair in my corner of the kitchen.

that is awesome

Yes, it's a text. I'm afraid if I don't eventually acknowledge it, she'll show up in person. With how I'm feeling right now, that would be bad. But she won't show up tonight and I'll try to be gone tomorrow. I hate this.

That is exactly how this feels. Like things are spinning and flying every which way and mental debris and emotions raging so loudly, it makes me want to scream.

I am actually very afraid of giving in and not being nice, because of what might happen. What I would say, how I would say it - I could see myself becoming unhinged, I think. It's a scary thought. 😞

I will wait. Sleep...I wish I could just sleep and not think about this/her.

I have a picture of it as well as a photocopy, yes. And I thought about sending it back to her. Right now, I don't even know how to calm the raging in my head. Would sending her that make this stop? Because I can't do this.

I got this today from my mom. I feel hot and cold and my hands are shaking. She still doesn't know that I saw her rating list. She got one thing right - disgust, loathing, disrespect felt toward/for her - check, check, check. I have it in BLACK AND WHITE that she does not love me, that she loves coffee shops and landscaping more than me. She now wants me to feel loved and appreciated?!?! She LIED to her friends, her family, her medical care team about me over and over! She has allowed LIES to be held in order to protect herself and secure her own "needs." I do not need to love my mom. I need to love God and so I choose to not go over to her house and go off on her the way I know I could. I won't dishonor her and that is all that is required of me as a daughter. She wants my love. She loves me. What a sick, sick, sick joke. Unending love for me....I think she has me confused with the other items on her double-sided list. Ask me how much of a crying mess I am right now. No, don't ask.

Dd17 plays the cello and we all love it when she practices, it's soothing and rich and just beautiful. Maybe someday I'll have her teach me - kind of a paying back for the investment we've made! 🙂

Fortunately, we only see each other once/year and so I have to just get through, with a lot of smiles and a bit of eye-rolling, her 100% oblivious yet super sweet view of things. Were we every day friends and I had to interact with her more than I do, I would not be smiling or laughing. 😉

I think it would be harder for me if she flaunted her wealth. She just accepts things as so normal, it's comical (sort of) how oblivious she is to the realities families such as I have face. And she's so upbeat and optimistic about spending or doing things which require money (which I guess she can be), it's funny to hear her map out all the places we should take our kids while all I see/hear in my mind is, "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$."

I posted and had to end quickly because my friend was arriving (we'd spent part of the day together, then she went shopping for groceries - at Trader Joe's, lol - which she was bringing over so we could make dinner. So I'm sorry I didn't post more details for clarification. I was laughing to myself as I was typing my OP because of the absurdity of the whole situation. All these years, same friend, same financial situations, and she's just as sweetly and lovingly clueless as ever. Thank goodness for those qualities, though, because she would be unbearable otherwise. Saving means nothing to her because there is no need to do so. I get that, but I also have accepted that she honestly cannot fathom having to save for retirement, medical expenses, etc. It's just not in her thinking any more than spending as she/they do is in my thinking. So I came here to share the vibe I've been around these last few days and just kind of get it out, but not in an angry way. I know what to expect when we see her once/year, but honestly it still takes me a bit to get used to again. I have told her that it's not in our budget, etc. But again, budgeting isn't in her mind because it doesn't have to be. So now I just let her talk and make suggestions for the places I should take my tribe, and I smile, and try not to shake my head because she is so, so enthusiastic and positive in her thinking/expressions of, well, everything. She's super funny. But definitely clueless. 🙂