How much is too much?

[Guest RKerns]

We recently enrolled our DD 12 in a public school.  School is going really well after years of homeschooling, but she is fighting the after school piano and swim team.  I know that these are activities that she needs to continue, but I just wanted a reality check.  Am I expecting too much?  Or is this just a transition period while she gets comfortable with school.

 

Thanks,

Rebecca

[SKL]

I vote for transition period.  Can you let her cut back on the number of days she practices for a while?  Maybe she could practice longer on the weekends instead.  I wouldn't do away with the physical outlet, although if it's very stressful, I might look into different physical options.

 

Stuff is hard even for adults until they find their rhythm.

[wapiti]

I vote for transition period as well.

 

However, middle school is a time when some activities may fall by the wayside.  My dd has had only a handful of piano lessons since starting middle school and hasn't had one in months.  At least, in her case, she is at a level of proficiency that I'm happy with.  I don't expect her to continue unless she really wants to.

 

I'd feel the same way about an athletic pursuit - if swim team is important to your dd and she's just having down days due to being tired and busy, that's one thing; not wanting to continue swimming for the long term is another thing.  (E.g. I have a fifth grader playing lacrosse right now.  He does it for fun and for the physical outlet, but we know full well that he will not be good enough to play in high school, as the high school he will probably attend is one of the top schools for sports in the state.  I don't want him to in any event, as I view varsity sports as an inefficient use of time in his particular case and unnecessary for his college apps.  I'm guessing that some point in middle school, my ds will become too busy with other things to bother with lacrosse any longer.)

[kiwik]

Why does she need to continue piano and swim team. If she can swim she is ok there and exercise could be got another way. If she can play the piano but isn't overly keen she can pick it up later or try something else.

[Julie of KY]

I wouldn't make her swim and do piano without knowing why I am doing so. I do agree that this may just be a transition time, however I also agree that at this age some things may get dropped for others.

 

Why do you want her to continue with these activities? Is it a family value? Is she passionate about one or another? I'd consider the whys of why you want her to do it and why she wants to quit and then make a decision from there.

[kiwik]

Just adding to my previous post. Some kind of exercise x times a week and encouraging a hobby seems fair but maybe swim team and piano are just too much.

[IsabelC]

Is there any way she can continue with her music and swimming but with less of a time commitment and no pressure, at least until she gets used to school. Even though she seems to be coping and doing well, moving into B&M school is a major change and takes some adjustment. 

 

If she is really wanting to give up these activities, then you need to talk to her about what you want and what she wants, and come to an agreement.

 

Think about why you are expecting her to continue. For example, Is she swimming because you aren't confident that she's safe in the water? Because you think she has Olympic potential? Or is it just because you want her to get a healthy amount of exercise? If the latter, would you be OK with her doing some other physical activity? Sometimes the parents' motivation isn't even about the child. For example, a parent might want their child to continue piano because the parent herself gave it up and regrets this decision. In that case, a possible solution would be that parent spending some time practicing piano, instead of requiring the child to do so. 

 

Find out why she doesn't want to continue. There might well be a way of addressing her concerns without her giving up the activities. 

[Alessandra]

I would continue piano. Our schools say that there is a strong correlation between instrumental practice and academic achievement. The discipline required to practice am instrument leads to discipline in studies. A kid has to self motivate to do independent practice, kwim?

 

Personally, I would tend to be flexible about swim team. Swim teams can be so many hours and often at awkward times. If dd has another way of consistently getting exercise, I might go with that instead of swim.

[regentrude]

We recently enrolled our DD 12 in a public school.  School is going really well after years of homeschooling, but she is fighting the after school piano and swim team.  I know that these are activities that she needs to continue, but I just wanted a reality check.  Am I expecting too much?  Or is this just a transition period while she gets comfortable with school.

 

Why does she NEED to continue if she does not want to?

 

How much time does she have to just do nothing?

The transition to a long school day away from home is tough. I would respect her need for unstructured time.

 

Also, not every activity started as a child has to continue forever. Childhood is a time to try out different things and see what one loves.

Both my kids took piano lessons for a number of years, and both eventually stopped. One is still engaged in other musical activities, the other is not. Both participated in a sport; one quit after several years and found another sport he is passionate about, the other continued until leaving for college.

Some reevaluation is normal and would happen even without the transition to school.

 

I would require some sort of physical activity, but not force her to continue with swim team.

[Jennifer N.]

My son has been taught at home this year via a virtual public school.  He's gotten quite used to his afternoon "quiet time."  Even before this school year, we have almost always had regular quiet time on the weekends and during summer (thank you, Jessie Wise, for teaching me about quiet time!).  Next year, he will return to bricks and mortar school.  I already know it is going to be a transition for him to go from learning at home with one day out for enrichment classes and afternoons with quiet time to all day in a classroom.  He's 10 by the way.

 

She may be tired out just from being out all day in school.  I would respect her wishes but require some form of physical activity.  Walking to and from school, an after dinner walk around the neighborhood with a parent or whatever.  I'd say send her out to play with friends but as I said on another thread, there's often no one outside to play with!

[Reefgazer]

I think it depends on the kid and the school.  If the school is demanding, or the kid has a low tolerance for excessive busyness, then it's too much.  My personal policy with my own children has always been that they do not need to continue an extracurricular activity if they no longer enjoy it; it becomes counterproductive then.  My kids' time with computers, videos, and electronics anything is extremely limited, however, so if they say they are overwhelmed or uninterested in an activity, then they surely must be, because they aren't spending that time with mindless pursuits.  FWIW, my mother forced 7 years of piano lessons on me, a non-musical child, and to this day, I resent that impact on my time and the disrespect for my wishes when it came to extracurriculars.

[mathnerd]

Our swim club offers a "fitness program" that is different from the regular competitive swim team program. The fitness program is aimed at teens who are too busy to swim enough number of times per week to stay in the competitive program. See if yours offers something similar - that will let her keep swimming without the pressure.

 

I recommend that you stick with the piano though - there are too many advantages to continuing the study of an instrument. In our house, it is a requirement - and I have noticed that it becomes easier with more practice which in turn takes more time - so, maybe help her to schedule it into her day. 

[Atilla the Mom]

There's a lot of work in public school, and good public schools tend to be competitive across the board and in all areas.  My youngest was on the JV cross country team in 9th grade and was a cert for varsity, but I made her stop because she just didn't have the stamina to handle that and her advanced classwork. She was frazzled and exhausted and I had to ask myself what was the point as I looked at all of those poor little b&t&ds, with their concentration camp physiques, their air of grim death as they headed into the last lap, and their barfing as they crossed the finish line. (Why is this not considered child abuse?)  Yes, her coach was p*ss*ed.  Too bad. 

 

Similarly, if she likes piano, well and good.  If she doesn't, why bother?  BTW, my mother is a classical concert pianist and professor of piano at a well known university.  I started the piano at age 4 and quit at  age 6, which is when I could write well enough to write her a note declining to ever touch the piano again. (It had to be written so I could be elsewhere by the time she got it.) She thought I would change my mind. NOT!  Do I regret it?  To be honest, I kinda wish I would have been able to play christmas carols for my kids to sing around the piano at Christmas, as our family did when I was little, but otherwise H&LL no.  Nor does all this piano practice and so forth necessarily engender a love of music.  I love theatre and opera.  I attend as often as I can. But while I was taken to many concerts as a kid, the only concerts I have attended as an adult are Christmas concerts, and patriotic concerts on the Fourth of July: especially if they play the 1812 overture: the one with the cannons!