S/o of an S/o . . . finding time for the fun stuff

[Embassy]

Loop schedules allow me to get to more fun things while still having a focus on the academic side of things.  I've found that if I don't schedule the projects, they don't get done.  I include them in our regular school time.  So we may have a cooking project come up, but it isn't so often that we get behind in our regular work.  

[lewelma]

Ruth,

I'm sorry if I put you on the defensive. I didn't mean to. I was just trying to understand. I will not comment any further to avoid any more misunderstandings or hurt feelings. :grouphug:

Oh heavens, defensive is good. Makes me think. And you ask very good questions. In the end we have to teach our children. No amount of planning will do the trick if all you do is plan and not implement. Clearly, we are all so different, our children are different, our goals are different, our finances are different, our family support is different. The goal is to learn from each other, and I don't mind you asking me the hard questions.

 

Ruth in NZ

[Roadrunner]

Yikes! I look so lazy! Outsourcing to tutors, my husband, and holiday programs. Sitting around reading curricula and planning, but not actually interacting much with my children. :001_smile: How embarrassing. :tongue_smilie:

 

But in reality, I spend all my time actually doing the school work that my older son is doing. I'm not talking about planning. I am talking about actually doing 20 hours a week of math, physics, and reading literature and literary analysis. I have to do this, or I would need to outsource his entire education to the local university. Which right about now is sounding pretty good :thumbup1: When my kids are in school holiday programs, I study, not plan, but study. (well, ok, I do plan also). For the younger, I am learning Mandarin, so I can be the conversation buddy that he needs. You don't know me, but I promise you that auditory processing is not my forte.

 

Ruth in NZ

This is the personality that turned many of us into jomeschoolers. My husband always jokes that if there was such a thing as a perpetual student, it would be hard to beat me. I love learning and frankly I don't understand why anybody needs a vacation from it. :) I am also constantly studying just to do justice in the elementary school. I love it. My grandfather hoarded books and spent days reading with his pencil. My dad does the same. I have inherited the disease that I am hoping to proudly pass to my kids.

[RootAnn]

I admit that I added exercise (3x/week) to my dd#1's schedule this year. I knew if I didn't put it on the schedule, it wouldn't get done often enough. She's now realizing how much it benefits her, so she chooses to go on a walk, head to the playground (often bringing one or more sibs with her), or bike to the library (weather-permitting). (We live in a really small town in the middle of farm country. This is obviously not something that everyone can do.) 

 

I admit to not doing "fun stuff" with the kids often. My kindergarten always has some fun stuff built in, including "cooking class" about once per week. I tend to just call the current K'er in while I'm making something that he can help with or learn from when I don't have huge time constraints.

 

We sewed some scented pouches when studying the bubonic plague in SOTW2 last week. The kids had a blast & I learned that ds#1 can do some consistently small, evenly-spaced stitches! They will remember those pouches for awhile (as dd#1 & dd#2 remember sewing similar ones as part of sewing class when dd#2 was in K) -- partly because I don't do things like that very often. I tell myself that sometimes when I feel guilty for not making time every week to do sewing (or cooking, or crafting, or ...) projects with my kids. 

 

Sometimes less is more.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I have been thinking about this thread all weekend. (And the following is not directed at any particular poster...) For me, for my kids, from my perspective as someone who always felt like my parents didn't ever really know me (still feel that way)... I feel like I need to try my darnedest to give my kids what they need to feel known, heard, liked, loved, honored, and respected. For me, it is not enough that I know I am toiling away, studying and researching, even if it is all for them. I need to make sure there is a relationship. Without that, I fear they will feel about me the same way I feel about my own parents. We have obligatory Sunday night phone calls and if I can find an excuse not to visit, I do. Do I spend all day every day doing what everyone else wants to do for fear of losing them? No. But I do make absolutely sure to have fun with them as often as I can, in mutually enjoyable activities and in those special activities unique and so important to each of my kids.

[lewelma]

AVA, this is so true, but of course there is another way to make this connection with your kids without having to add in all the 'fun stuff/extras', (which to me is just obligation). I like to do two things : tickle/giggle/laugh and talk/discuss. We love this kind of thing. Good honest talking, snuggled up in bed, really listening to what they have to say. And good honest old fashion don't-need-to-leave-the-house tickle fights.

 

Kids need to be loved and heard, but I don't need to go to the museum, or teach them art, or see the opera to do this. That to me is just apart of their education, which I can choose to outsource.

 

I love how this thread has wandered. Does our society equate taking time for the 'fun stuff/extras' with taking time to love and appreciate our kids? Do we feel like if we dont provide all the extras that somehow we are not allowing our kids to reach their full potential, and thus could not possibly love them as much? Is this just a rich-country problem?

 

Thanks for the reminder AVA to always remember what is important. My parents are visiting and things have been so busy. It is definitely time for some snuggling (or at least sitting shoulder to shoulder when it with my 13 year old!)

 

Ruth in NZ

[Chrysalis Academy]

I have been thinking about this thread all weekend. (And the following is not directed at any particular poster...) For me, for my kids, from my perspective as someone who always felt like my parents didn't ever really know me (still feel that way)... I feel like I need to try my darnedest to give my kids what they need to feel known, heard, liked, loved, honored, and respected. For me, it is not enough that I know I am toiling away, studying and researching, even if it is all for them. I need to make sure there is a relationship. Without that, I fear they will feel about me the same way I feel about my own parents. We have obligatory Sunday night phone calls and if I can find an excuse not to visit, I do. Do I spend all day every day doing what everyone else wants to do for fear of losing them? No. But I do make absolutely sure to have fun with them as often as I can, in mutually enjoyable activities and in those special activities unique and so important to each of my kids.

 

Wow, yep, you've described my relationship with my parents too (although you talk to your more frequently).  And the relationship I'm hoping not to have with my kids.  I"m not worried or anything, but it's a great point.

[RootAnn]

It is hard for me - since I'm more like my mom than my dad - but I try to listen to my kids often. Without commenting or interjecting. My father showed how much he loved us kids by spending time with us (usually when he was ministering to others or fixing our broken stuff). He had the gift to be quiet and really listen, adding in things only when we asked for his comments or opinions. I think he really did know me, but realized almost too late that I didn't know HIM because I didn't give him the same quiet listening time he gave me.

 

It isn't all or nothing with fun stuff. My kids like fun activities with me, but they also like spending time with their friends. Given the choice, most would pick the latter over the former. There is a balancing act with life - time alone vs. time together vs. time with friends. Working on scheduled projects vs. working on free-time projects vs. not working at all on anything & just soaking in quiet time thinking.

[regentrude]

AVA, this is so true, but of course there is another way to make this connection with your kids without having to add in all the 'fun stuff/extras', (which to me is just obligation). I like to do two things : tickle/giggle/laugh and talk/discuss. We love this kind of thing. Good honest talking, snuggled up in bed, really listening to what they have to say. And good honest old fashion don't-need-to-leave-the-house tickle fights.

 

Kids need to be loved and heard, but I don't need to go to the museum, or teach them art, or see the opera to do this. That to me is just apart of their education, which I can choose to outsource.

 

I love how this thread has wandered. Does our society equate taking time for the 'fun stuff/extras' with taking time to love and appreciate our kids? Do we feel like if we dont provide all the extras that somehow we are not allowing our kids to reach their full potential, and thus could not possibly love them as much? Is this just a rich-country problem?

 

 

I do not think it has to do with rich country or not. I think the bolded remark is the key: to you, it is obligation - because these do not seem to be things you would be naturally doing.

 

To me, museums, nature hikes, theatre and concerts are not "extras", but an integral part of mine and DH's lifestyle, the way through which we experience the beauty of the world. Thus, I feel very strongly that including our children in the activities that are important and meaningful to us is a vital part of parenting and a way of showing love. It is because I love my children that I want to show them what excites me about the world.

OTOH, there are things I strongly dislike doing, and consequently, they play no role in my parenting. I do not craft, sew, or build. If my kids had an interest in these things, I would find ways to outsource these activities - because they are not a part of who I am. There are many ways to show love to one's children, and I think that including them in activities that are important to me as a parent is an important one - besides listening and physical affection. I am showing my kids that I love spending time with them and sharing these experiences.

So, because I love my kids, I take them rock climbing ;-)

You like spending your time in other ways, so that is what you do with your kids.

 

[Woodland Mist Academy]

 

So, because I love my kids, I take them rock climbing ;-)

 

 

That deserves a line all by itself. :thumbup1:

[quark]

 

I get it that I'm making a choice, and that there isn't time for everything.  But I wonder if I'm making the right choice? How do you balance all the things you find important? How do you fit it all in?  If you don't, what do you let go of?

 

February musings . . .  ;)

 

One of the shortest yet most profound messages I have read about homeschooling (and I guess you could say life in general) is "teach them what you love". I might have taken it a little too much to heart by outsourcing subjects like math and science lol. But doing things I love is my fun time with my kiddo. Reading and discussing literature, listening to music and playing with the dog. We have constructed a whole alternative world scenario involving our dog and several books and movies we like! :D We inject foreign language phrases in daily conversations. We stop what we are doing and do a little silly dance because we feel like it. We bake or cook together when I feel like it (but sometimes I want to do these by myself). I have not been successful yet with teaching him to love planning and spreadsheets lol. We do a lot of tickling and cuddling too but that might drop in frequency as he grows and starts finding them embarrassing (hasn't happened yet but it might).

 

I guess I am satisfied with doing fewer things? I was going to say doing less but that's not really what I mean. I choose to do fewer things because that is more manageable to me and I try to do them well. I get easily flustered if I cannot do my best so carefully choosing things to do is important here. We don't do art and projects and crafts just for the sake of doing them, or tons of music appreciation etc. I did try that at one time but my child wasn't very interested. And I have this (maybe) insane idea in my head that art should not be taught methodically at a young age. I feel that a child needs to find his direction with art...and then, some instruction might be beneficial to improve the technique. This is from both my and DH's personal experience so I have not attempted to give kiddo formal art lessons. With things like art, living math type reading etc I really like to stay out of the way. :)

 

We choose different things--related things but different--so instead of arts and crafts, he folds origami, instead of going berserk trying to appreciate many different genres of music we focus on just the two or three that we both enjoy in common. I have an only child and that in itself makes these routines easier to manage (now that kiddo doesn't need me for everything except as a sounding board).

 

DH's idea of fun stuff is building things or talking physics or teaching kiddo and kiddo gets very little time with his busy Dad so they do end up having fun when DH teaches (I guess because Dad is not doing it all the time lol). I'm not a projects person so Dad time is also usually kiddo's project time.

 

For those things that are kiddo's idea of fun but not mine, I make sure he has a good block of time to pursue them. Sometimes, he needs my help but usually he just needs me there to listen or provide resources.

 

Could we be doing more? Absolutely, but sometimes fun things are not fun if you feel forced to do them. We don't have good museums, concert halls etc close to us and by the time we drive to them the fun factor will have dropped considerably. When we used to live close to them we found that we loved the summer Shakespeare plays but museums, not so much. These were frequently crowded, finding parking was often a hassle and kiddo didn't enjoy noisy experiences (possibly due to sensory issues) and five years later we only remember one or two displays or exhibits with fondness.

 

You do what you can. :grouphug:

[Woodland Mist Academy]

One of the shortest yet most profound messages I have read about homeschooling (and I guess you could say life in general) is "teach them what you love". I might have taken it a little too much to heart by outsourcing subjects like math and science lol.

 

:smilielol5:

[Alte Veste Academy]

AVA, this is so true, but of course there is another way to make this connection with your kids without having to add in all the 'fun stuff/extras', (which to me is just obligation). I like to do two things : tickle/giggle/laugh and talk/discuss. We love this kind of thing. Good honest talking, snuggled up in bed, really listening to what they have to say. And good honest old fashion don't-need-to-leave-the-house tickle fights.

 

Kids need to be loved and heard, but I don't need to go to the museum, or teach them art, or see the opera to do this. That to me is just apart of their education, which I can choose to outsource.

 

I love how this thread has wandered. Does our society equate taking time for the 'fun stuff/extras' with taking time to love and appreciate our kids? Do we feel like if we dont provide all the extras that somehow we are not allowing our kids to reach their full potential, and thus could not possibly love them as much? Is this just a rich-country problem?

 

Thanks for the reminder AVA to always remember what is important. My parents are visiting and things have been so busy. It is definitely time for some snuggling (or at least sitting shoulder to shoulder when it with my 13 year old!)

 

Ruth in NZ

 

Obviously each family is unique. (I despise being tickled, LOL, so I literally cringed when I read that.) I agree that it is important to really listen to our kids. 

 

As to the fun extras, I think depending on what people mean, it can be apples and oranges. What I am now speaking to is the fun extras that are not cotton candy and glitter but true interests (although really, my DD can do AMAZING things with glitter! :lol: ). What I am hearing in this thread is that kiddo wants this, that, and the other that the busy homeschooling mom doesn't have time for. Or that the busy homeschooling mom does want to do certain activities that are important to her but doesn't have time to teach/share those interests with the kids. That would give me pause. That's the stuff here that goes beyond a lesson, where we really get to know each other as people. Yes, we can and do discuss, but sharing life experiences (not just schoolwork, although of course that is an experience too) here is what prompts some of our best discussions. School stuff seems more theoretical, whereas life stuff seems more here and now, this is me, Mom, this is who I am and what I think. 

 

I do not think it has to do with rich country or not. I think the bolded remark is the key: to you, it is obligation - because these do not seem to be things you would be naturally doing.

 

To me, museums, nature hikes, theatre and concerts are not "extras", but an integral part of mine and DH's lifestyle, the way through which we experience the beauty of the world. Thus, I feel very strongly that including our children in the activities that are important and meaningful to us is a vital part of parenting and a way of showing love. It is because I love my children that I want to show them what excites me about the world.

OTOH, there are things I strongly dislike doing, and consequently, they play no role in my parenting. I do not craft, sew, or build. If my kids had an interest in these things, I would find ways to outsource these activities - because they are not a part of who I am. There are many ways to show love to one's children, and I think that including them in activities that are important to me as a parent is an important one - besides listening and physical affection. I am showing my kids that I love spending time with them and sharing these experiences.

So, because I love my kids, I take them rock climbing ;-)

You like spending your time in other ways, so that is what you do with your kids.

 

As to the bolded, I personally think it only fair that it go both ways. Just as I want to share certain hobbies and interests—parts of who I am—with my kids, they want to share important parts of who they are with me. So let's say you hated rock climbing, so it played no role in your parenting. What then if your kid loved it and wanted to spend time with you and share that experience with you doing that activity that was never before on your radar? 

 

I don't know. My dad lived for fishing. LOVED fishing. I thought it was gross, just disgusting. Plus the heat, and the humidity! Sticky, fishy, blech. I remember liking it OK as a younger kid, but I didn't want to go when I became a preteen and then a teen. But I was dragged out time and time again, and there was bitterness there. I still remember him insisting that I go and kept referring to it as "family time." OK, I get that. Especially now as a parent. He loved it and wanted to share it with me, with the whole family. But he failed to notice that I had also formed interests and hobbies of my own, activities in which he could have expressed some interest and, yeah, even a little reciprocity in involvement. I had interests that I wanted to share with them, but they weren't their thing, so their interest was shallow...really cursory, superficial. And I knew that. Even though we had discussions about my interests, they showed no interest in sharing any of them with me, even when invited to do so. So, they didn't know me, what was most important to me, which made me resent "family fishing time" even more. At a certain point, a teen stops trying to be known by her parents; she simply finds peers who do show interest and want to know her. Very luckily, I had a great, positive group of peers. But that is not always the case. 

 

Now obviously it is right and normal in life that teens are going to become more interested in and involved with peers than their parents. I am not arguing that kids should enjoy time with parents more than time with peers or that they shouldn't have separate interests or that parents should become involved on a molecular level with every interest a kid has. LOL I get that it is not practical or even healthy for relationships to be enmeshed like that. Really, the thread just put a bug in my brain about how I felt so not-known by my parents. I just wish there had been a better balance. 

 

So, yeah, here I teach my kids to embroider, quilt, cook... But even if my kids' interests are boring as can be to me, I engage them about those interests. And if they say, "Mom, will you...?" my answer is yes as often as it is practical. 

[regentrude]

As to the bolded, I personally think it only fair that it go both ways. Just as I want to share certain hobbies and interests—parts of who I am—with my kids, they want to share important parts of who they are with me. So let's say you hated rock climbing, so it played no role in your parenting. What then if your kid loved it and wanted to spend time with you and share that experience with you doing that activity that was never before on your radar? .. But even if my kids' interests are boring as can be to me, I engage them about those interests. And if they say, "Mom, will you...?" my answer is yes as often as it is practical. 

 

Oh, absolutely. I spent countless hours at the stable where DD is riding and at horse shows and sit through martial arts testing with DS - even though I had never been interested in either. Of course it is important to let the kids share their passions as well.

 

I just did not address this in my post because it did not seem pertinent to the situation of the poster to whom I responded.

(But I am very thankful that none of my kids have expressed any interest in crafting and building.)

 

ETA: And as the kids age, the balance inevitably shifts from parent chosen to kid chosen activities. We went hiking as a family every weekend for years, and had fun, and then gradually the kids have chosen to pursue other activities during that time. And that is OK, even though I miss it.

[lewelma]

As to the fun extras, I think depending on what people mean, it can be apples and oranges.....

 

What I am hearing in this thread is that kiddo wants this, that, and the other that the busy homeschooling mom doesn't have time for. Or that the busy homeschooling mom does want to do certain activities that are important to her but doesn't have time to teach/share those interests with the kids. That would give me pause.

AVA, you are so wise. I will give it all a big long think. But what happens when your child's one true passion is math? (He was working on it last night in my bed room at 11pm!) I listen, truly listen to very difficult math proofs for one to two hours each day. I give it my all because there is no one else who will listen or really even care. And he *needs* me to care. This is love. Real love. Is it fun? Certainly not for me (you would really need to see this math to understand), but I work *very* hard to even be able to talk to him about what he *needs* to talk about. This accounts for ten of my hours of study each week. So clearly my study is not just for his education, it is to show my love.

 

But I don't think these are the fun things that Rose was referring to in the OP even though they are the fun things for this child. Gets kind of confusing.

[Alte Veste Academy]

AVA, you are so wise. I will give it all a big long think. But what happens when your child's one true passion is math? (He was working on it last night in my bed room at 11pm!) I listen, truly listen to very difficult math proofs for one to two hours each day. I give it my all because there is no one else who will listen or really even care. And he *needs* me to care. This is love. Real love. Is it fun? Certainly not for me (you would really need to see this math to understand), but I work *very* hard to even be able to talk to him about what he *needs* to talk about. This accounts for ten of my hours of study each week. So clearly my study is not just for his education, it is to show my love.

 

But I don't think these are the fun things that Rose was referring to in the OP even though they are the fun things for this child. Gets kind of confusing.

 

Please know that I am absolutely not condemning anyone's need or desire to spend lots of time studying/planning/preparing. I do all that too. It's just that, at a certain point, I realized I was doing more of that than actually interacting. For me, that was a problem. For one of my kids, that was a big problem.

 

I hear you on having a kid with passions that he needs to talk about with someone. DS11's passion is not math, but his end-game will require more math than I ever did in school, and at an earlier age. I also find myself working through higher math on my son's behalf, for the same reason—to show my love. He's one who needs a partner, so I am it by default, so I get that. (And for reference, in my former life, I was a Social Worker, LOL, so working through AoPS with him is a big stretch for me. BIG. SSSTTTRRREEEEEEETTTCCCHHH!)

 

Again though, I'm not criticizing anyone else here. Ohmygosh, I am in no place to pass judgment on anyone else. My reflections were my own, based on my own experience, with three kids who are simultaneously three peas in a pod but nothing alike. LOL When I said that not having time to share my passions with my kids would give me pause, I didn't mean that in a judgmental way. I just meant that it would make me think about how to work those things in or, realistically, about whether I really did want to share those things or just thought I did, or should. Honestly, I am very selfish with some of my interests, maybe because I am with my kids all the time and I do teach them A-Z. I think it's OK if I just steal Q-S just for me. 

 

Highly technical passions are definitely hard to share! When DH talks to me about his work, he practically has to talk to me like I'm 5.