HappyGrace Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 As homeschoolers, we're all "against the grain" of society to some extent. We're all questioners of societal norms! I've been tossing social interaction around in my mind a lot lately. It feels like as time goes by, our family is becoming more and more "family-centered." We used to do LOTS of running around to activities, etc. And it was all me-driven, not them saying they wanted to do the activities. I think I felt the need to have my dc involved in activities to be sure they were interacting socially (plus the fact that there are just so many great activities around for hs'ers in our area!) The dc (8 and 5) don't even want to do any of it! We would all actually be fine staying home the majority of the time. We really enjoy just being together as a family. My dc love to be together and will play for hours (besides school time) independently or together. Dd could (and does) read in her room for hours. Both dc are academically advanced. They do have one activity each per wk, plus one full day of our wonderful and active co-op. (And older dd doesn't even want to do her one activity so we'll be dropping it when it finishes in May-she just hasn't found her passion yet.) We also do field trips once or twice a month and a couple once a month type group activities. We have tons of friends, but have had a hard time finding like-minded families to be really close with (we are conservative Christians.) I would say our philosophy is to be quite sheltering, but really it's more a personality thing that we are homebodies. Over the past few months due to illness, etc., we've been home together even more and it's been heaven for all of us. And I mean we've literally gone NOwhere for a week at a time! And even after being home for days at a time, when I say we're going to ___, even if it's a fun thing, it's awww, mom, we were just going to do a lotion factory together (where they take all the lotions in the house and make concoctions.) This lifestyle really suits me too as I am the type who gets overwhelmed VERY easily, so I feel more peaceful and able to be "present" with my dc without so much going on. My dc interact well and respectfully with others of all ages and have no "social" problems at all. I feel they're getting a nice amount of mentoring from other adults and being with other children at co-op and the other activities we do. I'm getting so that I just don't see a problem with the home being the main center of activity and relationships, especially when they're this young. I'm thinking that being home-centered when they're young will give them such a good foundation to then branch out as they grow. And another thing on my mind, is it normal and okay for children to just play on their own, without even my input, for hours a day? I especially worry about my littler one since he plays by himself a LOT. Should I try to give them less free play time and more things like cooking together, etc.? I really just want to give them a more old-fashioned childhood. I just hope I'm on the right track. It goes so against everything we see in society that even though it is working for us, I hope I'm not making some kind of long-term mistake. Is anyone else following this "home-centered" approach, and if so how is it going? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyGrace Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 even if not a single person ever chimes in about it, it really helped me sort things out in my mind just by writing it out! :) Still very interested to hear others' thoughts and experiences though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mellifera Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 as long as that is what they want. I would suggest that you watch to make sure they can interact with others when they need to. It isn't necessary to be involved in much. My 2 boys don't feel the need to be in many (any) activities. My oldest girl is very much an extrovert and would be involved up to her eyeballs if I let her. So I don't shove the boys into much because she drags us into enough (although we generally have fun doing it.:)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey in TX Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I understand the beauty of your family centered life. It's something that truly has gone by the wayside. I see two possible flaws in it: IF your child has the need for social interaction, then being a homebody can be stifling. Secondly, we need to teach our children to work with many types of people/groups. This is a need in many career fields. If your children enjoy primarily being at home, then it probably is the right decision for your family. f On the flip side, my mom is a homebody and disliked taking us out of the house (other than attending school). This is an unhealthy environment for a child who NEEDS to be in a group setting. I've gone to the other extreme to compensate. My kids thrive in large groups, though, and prefer it to an intimate setting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I'm a mild introvert - meaning I do really need a lot of time alone and revive myself that way. I "overdose" on people - including my own family sometimes - and just need what my husband calls "Dana time." But I also think it's important to have friends and a community, and I work hard building a few close friendships and a church community that is, in some ways, like a family. I think the way you are choosing to live is fine. If it suits you, then I have no objection and neither should anyone else. I would consider, though, that most studies on older people find that those who have close ties to friends and community do better as they age then those who don't. My mother is an extreme introvert and has mostly preferred books to people - other than her children and husband. We see a lot of her and love her and she's always been devoted to us. She has had the same *wonderful* friends for 40 years now, and they are there for her, but she doesn't like to really make any effort to actually see them. They see each other more, lol, and they respect her introvertedness. But at this point, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my mother and father would both by physically, mentally and emotionally better off if they saw friends more, were involved in a church community, and just plain visited more with others. Most of what I read about aging confirms this. And we are all on a bullet train to old age. I have finally realized this. So I do try to picture what 70 years old is going to look like. I have a circle of maybe 5 friends I really cherish. Some of them might die or move away. I can't really control that, but I do cultivate those friendships because I think it will be best for me (now, 5 years from now, 45 years from now) to have close female friends and a wide circle of friends who are less close but who provide opportunities for fun and fellowship. I try to remember that my children might all move away. They might be on the mission field. They might marry people who hate my guts. I can't control that. So while they are without any doubt at all where I put most of my love and energy now (along with DH), I do remember that they might be like friends who move far away and whom I talk to a couple times a month, but who aren't really my social life in 40 years. And my DH might not live as long as I do. He's older than me, for one. So while I have a natural affinity for introverts and I honestly don't really "get" the extreme extroverts of the world, I do think it's important to me that I not narrow my life to a point where I will regret it someday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 They do have one activity each per wk, plus one full day of our wonderful and active co-op. (And older dd doesn't even want to do her one activity so we'll be dropping it when it finishes in May-she just hasn't found her passion yet.) We also do field trips once or twice a month and a couple once a month type group activities. And another thing on my mind, is it normal and okay for children to just play on their own, without even my input, for hours a day? I especially worry about my littler one since he plays by himself a LOT. Should I try to give them less free play time and more things like cooking together, etc.? I really just want to give them a more old-fashioned childhood. I just hope I'm on the right track. It goes so against everything we see in society that even though it is working for us, I hope I'm not making some kind of long-term mistake. Is anyone else following this "home-centered" approach, and if so how is it going? Wow, your home sounds much like ours in the 'homebody-ness' of it, except my kids are a little older (6 & 9). I've mused a lot on the same things you bring up. My kids are playing right now, out in the back yard together & often play together like that for at least a few hours every day. We have chosen to limit outside activities to one of our choosing (Dutch class for our dd) and one of their choosing (horse-riding for dd). My ds is not yet in Dutch class (we're still on the fence about it) & he is not very interested in trying a group activity at this point (though we did Jr. Lego League a year ago) & I will sometimes suggest some options to him (art class, gymnastics class, etc...). As you do, we do field trips, and are out & about a bit (both sets of grandparents live very nearby so we see them many days), and we often have play days or park days w/ a few friends. So, we're not isolated at all (imo), but in comparison to many friends, we have a very light schedule. In a way, I know it seems that we are being insulated, but on the other hand, think of it this way -- you've got your kids going out 2x a week for outside activities (plus times where there would be additional things), which is plenty, imo, esp. when kids are younger. I think that's actually a nice amount -- it gives you the 'out & about' time, but also plenty of time to be together & enjoy being a family. I think it's great, esp. when I see kids who are so stressed & over-scheduled. Childhood is not a race to see who can participate in the most classes, have the most certificates, or trophies, or whatever. I agree that what we're doing seems 'at odds' w/ the pace of current American life, but maybe the rest of society has gotten out of whack? I couldn't keep up a pace like that & still be sane myself. We actively try to keep our weekends as our family time (which eliminates a lot of 'activities' since many require weekend meetings/practices/etc.), as well as our evenings. I don't have any real answers, just lots of rambling. But, I think the road less traveled can be the correct one too. Imo, life in the slower lane can be beautiful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyGrace Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 I should hasten to add that we all make friends very easily-for example, dc will pick up children that are strangers to them at the playground and tell them their names and just start playing. So while we're perhaps above-average as far as being outgoing to meet and interact with people, we *prefer* to be home. If I had dc who needed to be out more, I'd see to it that they had opportunity. In fact, that's what I was trying to do with setting up so many outside activities, but they made it clear they didn't need it or want it! I guess our family is just fortunate to have similar personalities and not some of us needing more social time than others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey in TX Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 So while I have a natural affinity for introverts and I honestly don't really "get" the extreme extroverts of the world, I do think it's important to me that I not narrow my life to a point where I will regret it someday. Dana, your comment intrigued me. Maybe because I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum and sometimes don't "get" introverts! Anyhow, would love insight into how an extreme extrovert is different. It just might help me understand my own mom and SIL. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plaid Dad Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 It sounds to me like your family is in a good place. I wouldn't change anything. I'm a very (very!) introverted person. I realize that our society doesn't reward that, but I'm not willing to make myself crazy trying to conform to a go-go lifestyle just because that's what makes extroverts happy, bless them If your dc are happy and thriving and if they aren't asking for more social interaction, then I wouldn't worry about fixing a situation that "ain't broke." ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 It sounds to me like your family is in a good place. I wouldn't change anything. I agree with this. As your kids get older they might want more, but for now, it sounds like it is working well. What a treasure to give your kids the gift of a close family! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 If I had dc who needed to be out more, I'd see to it that they had opportunity. In fact, that's what I was trying to do with setting up so many outside activities, but they made it clear they didn't need it or want it! No, I wouldn't think kids at your kids' age really need outside activities that much. I wasn't even thinking about whether it was "too much" introversion for your kids. They sound perfectly happy. My response was more about the philosophical question of "Can one be too introverted" and while my heart wants to say "nope, it's all good" I was trying to round that out with an idea I personally have been thinking about lately which is that a life time habit of introversion can be a problem at some point for some people, especially as they get older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyGrace Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 That's kind of what I meant when I said it helped me to write it out. I feel good that this is working for us. And as far as long-term effects, I can't see what harm having a peaceful and calm family-centered childhood could possibly do! And if that puts us outside the "norm" of what many others in society are doing, so be it. Posting about this was a liberating thing for me today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Bay Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I think the answer lies in how fulfilling this life is to each one. While I think it helps to push ourselves sometimes, societies often go to the extreme with either introvertedness or extrovertedness. Ours leans to the latter. I call myself an ambivert. When I'm in the extrovert mode I'm VERY extroverted. When I'm in the introvert mode, I'm VERY introverted. However, it took me decades to realize that some people are always introverted, that when they're in public too much conversation exhausts them, that intense people (that's me, although most of the time I'm successful enough at hiding it that people don't believe me if I tell them I'm intense) exhaust some people. But when someone explained it to me, I realized that when I'm doing deep thinking, reading a book or really relaxing, that's how I am. But I've always just gone somewhere private to do it. My aunt describes an introvert as someone who gets their energy from themselves and an extrovert as someone who gets their energy from being around others. And don't be fooled by social skills--many introverts have developed wonderful social skills. Not all extroverts have well developed social skills. As for kids, that's where parents need to be tuned in. Sometimes we have to push ourselves to provide what our kids need. One of mine, who is very social and gets on very well, loves homeschooling because it gives her so much family time. Another of mine doesn't really want very many friends and finds most girls her age talk about boring things (weird to me, as I always wanted to have a lot of friends and spent hours on the phone, but not around me 24/7), and my ds is still prettly little, but I can already tell he's going to need more than my girls as he gets older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyGrace Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 It was mind-opening to think about how old age could be for extreme introverts, and how that would certainly not be a good thing. I do think philosophically there could be people that are too *introverted* to their detriment, and to the detriment of their loved ones. It's so sad that is happening with your parents, and it's constructive that you are trying to choose a path that will not lead to that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyGrace Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 They don't necessarily go hand in hand. I think that's what I was trying to describe about our family, that while we have well-developed social skills and can be extroverted when we need to be, we just "choose" to be at home more than most people and not so activity-driven. I was LOL at "ambivert"-I think that describes us well! Now that I'm thinking about it more, I definitely don't think we're total introverts by nature-we're just making different conscious choices to enjoy a slower lifestyle because that's how we seem to thrive (back to the "slow" thing again-I can see the theme in my posts lately!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelissaM Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 We're at the opposite end of the spectrum. If we don't get out of our house and interact with others we all get grouchy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
percytruffle Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Since you said you don't "get" introverts, lol, I thought you might enjoy this tongue-in-cheek article Caring for Your Introvert. While it is amusing, it is also dead on. I am a pretty extreme introvert and I do realize non-introverts can have difficulty understanding our habits and preferences. Supposedly, the breakdown of introverts to extroverts in the USA is about 25% to 75%, so it's no wonder introverts sometimes feel a bit misunderstood, we are a minority after all!;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossom'sGirl Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Right now our van is half buried in snow and it will be a bear to get going. Between dh working a ton and everyone being sick, we have not been anywhere for a long time. Come spring, little league and soccer will have us out a lot plus we will go more places in general but for now its easier to hibernate. That said, I do sometimes worry about my boys needing to be around more than just their brothers most of the time. BTW, I am an introvert and my home schooled dh is just the opposite. He would be thrilled to have people over every night or go places but as much as I like getting together with others, I feel drained when its over. I need to go out by myself to feel normal again. I am looking forward to the warmer weather but not the HAVING to be out all the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in AR Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Since you said you don't "get" introverts, lol, I thought you might enjoy this tongue-in-cheek article Caring for Your Introvert. While it is amusing, it is also dead on. I am a pretty extreme introvert and I do realize non-introverts can have difficulty understanding our habits and preferences. Oh my goodness, I love this article. It is spot on. I e-mailed it to a good friend of mine who is a fellow introvert. I think she'll get a kick out of it, too. Supposedly, the breakdown of introverts to extroverts in the USA is about 25% to 75%, so it's no wonder introverts sometimes feel a bit misunderstood, we are a minority after all!;) But we're only a minority in the regular population; according to the article, we're in the majority of the gifted ones. ;):D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whisperlily Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 In our home, I'm the "go-girl" and DH is the "homebody." I feel more fulfilled if I am involved in outside activities, and have connections outside the home. DH is more than happy to stay home with me and the kids every possible minute that he can. The longer my kids are at home, the less appealing outside activities become. Activities that they *enjoy* and that are rewarding to them seem like a bother. Even my "social gal" can become this way, and I don't think it's always healthy. I know that I can start to lose interest in going out of the home if I've been here too long. For me, it is not really an "at peace with the world as it is" contentment that's keeping me home, but a lackluster view on the effort of going anywhere. It is that way with my kids, too. I have to make sure that they get a healthy balance so that they can enjoy going places, and yet get plenty of downtime at home. I'm not really talking about depression, but a "blah, it's too much effort to go anywhere and everybody's happy so why bother" attitude. I think everyone's balance will look different depending on their family's personality. Look at your feelings. Is it "How wonderful it feels to be home in this moment!" Or is it "I don't feel like going anywhere." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Bay Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Since you said you don't "get" introverts, lol, I thought you might enjoy this tongue-in-cheek article Caring for Your Introvert. While it is amusing, it is also dead on. I am a pretty extreme introvert and I do realize non-introverts can have difficulty understanding our habits and preferences. Supposedly, the breakdown of introverts to extroverts in the USA is about 25% to 75%, so it's no wonder introverts sometimes feel a bit misunderstood, we are a minority after all!;) I'm going to read and save this page. My dh, although he'd never admit it (and I can't believe I'm typing anything about him he wouldn't admit) is an introvert, way more than I can be. Some evenings I feel our house is silent as a tomb (that's when I'm not in an introvert mode.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tami Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 As a Christian, I would say that although *you* may not need time out of the house, other people may need *you.* I see that the Biblical pattern is to practice hospitality and to devote ourselves to fellowship with the greater Christian community. Also, it is important to receive feedback, correction, and encouragement from other believers on a regular basis. I am very introverted, but have learned that others need what I have to offer. I make it a goal to practice hospitality by having someone over for dinner at least once a week. In the book of Acts, the believers had families, yet they met for fellowship, prayer, and devotion every day. In fact, the devoting myself to prayer, fellowship, and the breaking of bread with people in the greater community is one of my 2008 goals! I believe that catering too much to natural whims can be crippling to growth. Many times a week I say to myself, "God does not call us to be comfortable!" ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tami Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 (nt) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GothicGyrl Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I am totally an extrovert (duh) and DH is an introvert. My youngest is exactly like me and my oldest wavers in between--she'll go out if we make her, then she has fun and totally enjoys herself, but she won't take an inicetive to try something new unless we coax her, but once she does try it, she thanks us. However, it is DH I have the problem with. His total introversion is because of his mother--she never liked taking them anywhere unless it suited HER. If it had to do with them, they had to find their own way (DH so loves football and would/could have played but she flat out refused to take him to practices) and I think this hindered him becoming at least acceptably social. My girls always play by themselves or together or they go outside to play. But DH, he will not "play" unless it is on his terms--eg: if he's playing a video game it is either ONLY him playing or HE has to invite someone to play with him. Same with board games. And this drives me crazy. I like getting out of the house. I like "going". He does not. And it drives me batty. ;) BUT the plus side to all of this is that he recognizes my need to get out and be free and does not hinder me doing so. And we ALL have well-developed social skills. DH can hold his own in any environment just as I can and the kids can. Now my BIL, that's another story entirely and I don't think you all have the time for me to get into him. grrrrrrr. And that article is being sent to my DH as I type. It is sooooooooooooo us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in AR Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 . . . but I'm not willing to make myself crazy trying to conform to a go-go lifestyle just because that's what makes extroverts happy . . . If your dc are happy and thriving and if they aren't asking for more social interaction, then I wouldn't worry about fixing a situation that "ain't broke." ;) I totally agree. Why try to change a lifestyle your family is totally happy with? It is OK to be family-centered if that is what pleases your family and meets their needs. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
percytruffle Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I'm glad you all liked the article. I got a big kick out of it. It's been in my bookmarks for a couple of years now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GothicGyrl Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Percy--I just sent it to DH at work and he read it and all he could say was "yep, absolutely" ;) He completely agreed with everything that guy said. And I titled the email I sent him "is this you and if it is I still love you very much" with a HUGE smilie in it. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maria from IN Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I personally don't have a problem at all with being introverted or extroverted. We all get along with both perfectly well. My pet peeve, though, is when people seize an introvert by the hand and drag them into social situations because they feel it's a crime to be introverted...only they call it "shy." Just because we introverts (and yes, I are on the kinda extreme side) aren't so event-dependent, it doesn't mean we have any trouble entertaining ourselves. There. I think I'm done. One of my psych professors once said that introverts have a very rich thought life. I often wonder, "Who doesn't?" Is that really true? :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kdeno Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 As someone who knows your family IRL I have to add that your children have great social skills and I love to have them over. I think it is great that DS plays by himself and has such a rich imagination. K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
percytruffle Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Awe, how sweet. My dh and I are both introverts. We can spend a whole day together in the house, each doing our own thing, and hardly speak a word to each other. But, every few hours or so we share a news article we've read or sit down and have a nice cup of tea together or play a quick game of Ingenious. It is bliss. My husband and my home are my sanctuaries, my battery recharging stations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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