G5052 Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 (edited) My dad (advanced Parkinson's) has aspiration pneumonia and has been in the hospital for several weeks now. Next week he is being transferred to a nursing home. In a way, it may be a blessing because truly my mother has been neglecting him for several years, and I have reason to believe that abuse has been involved at times. Unfortunately where he is going to be placed entirely depends on what's available on short notice, and he could be put into a facility 100 miles away from the town where they've lived for 50 years. We are praying that things will come together to get him into a good place where a friend or family member can be checking on him. Meanwhile, mom's multi-infarct dementia is worse than ever, and frankly she needs be in a supervised situation as well, although she has periods of lucidity. She believes that there is nothing at all wrong with her and that the doctors are out to get her, so she is inconsistent with her medicine. She has ostracized virtually all of her friends and family members over the last few years, and is extremely abusive verbally when provoked. The message she left me last night was pure venom. We are praying that somehow we can get her into a better situation. Thankfully friends of our family are working on that because she won't talk to any relatives now other than through fiery messages left on voicemail. It is just such a hard situation, and needs a true breakthrough. Edited February 28, 2009 by GVA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Wisc Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 This helps put my world into perspective. Working with the elderly can be so painful. :grouphug: I'm sort of there, too. Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Prayers going up for you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Praying here, too. I watched my mom try to deal with her mom's dementia from across the country. Oh, it was so difficult. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 (edited) So sorry, try to remember that she just isn't her real self. I think that sometimes you just have to try really hard...not to listen to what they are saying with their mouth...and see that it gets scary for some people when they are getting so old. At least, that's what it seems like to me..... And hopefully, you can get by without your feelings too crushed. I'm sorry....Give yourself some chocolate... and a "Good Job" :grouphug: Edited March 1, 2009 by NayfiesMama Oh, Sorry about your dad, too...let us know where he gets placed.....Sorry!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Unfortunately where he is going to be placed entirely depends on what's available on short notice, and he could be put into a facility 100 miles away from the town where they've lived for 50 years. We are praying that somehow we can get her into a better situation. . I try to warn fading couples to make plans before there is an emergency, or else they get stuck with "what's available". If your dad lands at a distant location, befriend the facility's social worker for an arranged transfer. As to Mom, look into what is nearest for GOOD geriatric psych, and when she finally is too out of control to manage, urge a short stay there to get her on some proper meds has done wonders for many people (I am reminded of the daughter who told me that for the first time in 45 years she LOVED her mother, because her mother was pleasant and happy now that she was on meds). I know people can't just run out and put people in institutions, but often once some is this decompensated, they often fall or get ill, and in the hospital can just melt down from the stress and show how mentally disabled they are. I'm so sorry :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 (edited) I actually feel better about things today. We're home from church because of an ice storm. Mom did leave a message last night she hopes I burn in XXXX for questioning her ability to take care of my dad. I did contact the hospital social worker, and she said that if my Dad's doctor approves him going home with my mother, that's what will happen. This doctor is aware of my mom's issues, but has always refused to talk to me. I have talked "off the record" with my mom's doctor, but she has refused to pursue any other analysis of her mental state because Mom is always feeble but OK in her office. Sadly, they live in a medically-underserved area with very few specialists. It took two months to even get an appointment with a neurologist when all this started with my mom. The nearest geriatric psych is 100 miles away. She did see him a year ago, and proclaimed her with moderate impairment in terms of memory, cognition, emotional control, and motor control. At that time he said that she did not need to be institutionalized but she'd better plan that way because it was coming. Thankfully my aunt and brother were there because Mom doesn't remember going to him. The one bright light is that there is one medical person there who is also a family friend who has assured me that she will monitor the situation and do what she can. She doesn't have access to the hospital records, but agrees that my mother is unable to care for my father. She's seen the fury and delusions as well. Edited March 1, 2009 by GVA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 I actually feel better about things today. We're home from church because of an ice storm. Mom did leave a message last night she hopes I burn in XXXX for questioning her ability to take care of my dad. I did contact the hospital social worker, and she said that if my Dad's doctor approves him going home with my mother, that's what will happen. This doctor is aware of my mom's issues, but has always refused to talk to me. Well, they are turfing things. I followed the lead of the SW, the physical therapist, etc. If the family balked on even a short stay at a nursing home, and there was no direct elder abuse going on, I'd have visiting nurses check up on how they are doing. Usually they found dedicated care, but sometimes they found horror shows in the house (filth). If they are in the middle of nowhere, the hospital should have some elder program. And a doc cannot TELL you things without a patient's permission, but they can HEAR anything from you. I'd write. If you'd like to, write a letter you could send it to me and I would put it into something a doc might "understand" better. I have done this for several friends. PM me, if you like, and I'll send you my email. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6packofun Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Meanwhile, mom's multi-infarct dementia is worse than ever, and frankly she needs be in a supervised situation as well, although she has periods of lucidity. She believes that there is nothing at all wrong with her and that the doctors are out to get her, so she is inconsistent with her medicine. She has ostracized virtually all of her friends and family members over the last few years, and is extremely abusive verbally when provoked. The message she left me last night was pure venom. We are praying that somehow we can get her into a better situation. Thankfully friends of our family are working on that because she won't talk to any relatives now other than through fiery messages left on voicemail. It is just such a hard situation, and needs a true breakthrough. Are you able/willing to pursue guardianship of your mother through an attorney or are you going to have other friends or family try to manage her care? I'm sorry that you are going through this and that it will get more difficult as time goes on. I can't remember if you said who (if anyone) is POA for your parents, but if there is any lucidity left maybe there is time to do something? Dh's grandmother (Alzheimer's) is in the hospital right now with a urinary tract infection and worsening lung cancer. We're having to get our Do Not Resuscitate papers in order to prepare for a worst case scenario in the coming weeks or months. *sigh* I understand the heartache, helplessness and will pray for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 Are you able/willing to pursue guardianship of your mother through an attorney or are you going to have other friends or family try to manage her care? I'm sorry that you are going through this and that it will get more difficult as time goes on. I can't remember if you said who (if anyone) is POA for your parents, but if there is any lucidity left maybe there is time to do something? Dh's grandmother (Alzheimer's) is in the hospital right now with a urinary tract infection and worsening lung cancer. We're having to get our Do Not Resuscitate papers in order to prepare for a worst case scenario in the coming weeks or months. *sigh* I understand the heartache, helplessness and will pray for you. I've already consulted lawyers in their state, and each indicated that she would have to be reevaluated by the geriatric psych and declared incompetant or be already institutionalized and under psychiatric care as a result of a medical or psychological event. Truly no one seems to have much influence over her at this point, and she only goes to appointments that she wants to, and she would have to be driven 100 miles to the psych. Her internist and neurologist have never seen the delusions and outbursts when she's had appointments. Right now they are each other's POA in every area, and both steadfastly refused to change. My dad is mentally competant at times from what I've been told, but is unwilling to do anything that might rile Mom up. People have tried to suggest this when Mom isn't around, and he refuses. Adult Protective Services was involved a year ago, and they closed the case. There was food in the refridgerator, the house was in decent condition, and my Dad told them that he was being treated well. And yes, I think I'll write my Dad's doctor and fax it tomorrow. Worth a try. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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