Thinking about bailing on my graduate program -- rambling introspection

[BamaTanya]

that is probably incompatible with most homeschool thoughts . . .

 

I have a master's degree in elementary education. I taught for 11 years in public and private schools. Then I quit and homeschooled my dc for years. After a few, it became apparent that one (and then two) of our dc had special needs (autism spectrum) and needed more. More doctors, more therapies, more meds, more supplements, more education. We tried a lot of things to help them and to help me. Went into debt for things insurance and public school didn't cover. And for convenience things when I was just too burned out to do anything more.

 

We put the gang in school and I started back to school myself. Earning a higher, more specialized degree. I've been in school just over 2 years.

 

In those 2 years, Mom's cancer returned, Ds's special private school closed, we sent ds to public school, dd was diagnosed with severe scoliosis, Mom went into hospice care, Mom died, younger dd was hospitalized with salmonella, younger ds was diagnosed with Asperger's, first dd had scoliosis surgery, I went back to work, and now we're looking for a NEW school for ds. That will make 5 schools for our 5 dc. Ack!

 

It's been too much. I've completed 9 courses and am working on #10 & 11 of the 13-course program.

 

I'm burned out. I'm missing deadlines. I could certainly be in danger of getting kicked out, but I met with my advisor who is sympathetic and has given me more time or an out. I can finish these 2, take one lower level course and comps in the summer, and get master's level certification in gifted/talented. This summer. Done.

 

To complete the Ed.S. (higher level) program, I'd have 2 more courses, comps, and an "almost" dissertation (50-100 pp?), a research project to defend before my committee.

 

Frankly, I just don't have it in me right now. And the last courses I need aren't offered in the summer (when I wouldn't be teaching). And, since they're discontinuing the program, I can't jump back in if I quit. I'd have to start over . . . someday . . . when the hiring freeze is lifted and they offer it again . . .

 

I'm exhausted and my family is stressed.

 

Dh wants me to take the out. Don't worry about the extra money or letters after my name. Just accept the losses (wasted courses, $$$) and be happy. Be done with it.

 

I'm very disappointed in myself. I thought I could finish it all this year. Honestly. I didn't realize how exhausted work would make me. I didn't realize how hard it would be to make myself focus on assignments and papers when I felt behind in every area of my life. I didn't realize how time consuming these courses would be. I didn't know that one conversation with a prof could change the direction of your project and you'd have to start all over.

 

I had thought the higher degree would be a wise investment since it would mean a 7.5% pay raise. It could also open more doors, though I'm not really interested in anything except perhaps teaching some college courses someday.

 

Dh asked, "Will you be content with yourself if you don't finish?"

 

I can't say that I will be. I just know I have to do something NOW to relieve some of the stress. I'm not enjoying the work anymore. I don't really enjoy research. I don't like this kind of writing. It's hard and I'm tired.

 

How many women in their 40s with 5 dc, 2 with special needs, are heading back to school for advanced degrees? Besides the octuplet mom, I mean. (Although I wonder how she's going to accomplish it! -- Of course, maybe since she's younger, lol!) Most of the students in my classes are either single or have fewer and older (more independent) children than I.

 

Will I always kick myself? Or will I be pleased with my new job and how well I did under such difficult circumstances? Will I enjoy not having the extra stuff hanging over me when I'm with my family? Having a paycheck and not taking out more student loans? Having money to make choices about where my dc go to school? To go on a vacation for the first time in 11 years?

 

Why did I want a higher degree? Pride? Greed? If those were the reasons, then I can talk myself down. I don't usually make life decisions on those kinds of values.

 

I'll tell you one of the reasons. I was feeling like a failure. My great motherhood/homeschooling project was a colossal failure. My children aren't well-adjusted and well-behaved and classically-educated. (I'm not beating myself up over that. I had to change my expectations, like everyone with special needs children does.) I think I was looking to achieve something in an area where I could succeed -- academics. Does that make any sense?

 

Actually, I had talked to the g/t teacher at my children's school and she had told me she was retiring within five years. I thought I'd start and have plenty of time to be ready for her job, lol! She's switched jobs, too! I hadn't realized how much they needed g/t teachers and that there were more than enough good schools that would have openings sooner and would hire teachers before they'd completed the certification . . .

 

I'm not asking for suggestions. Dh will go along with whatever I decide. He has preferences, but he pitches in a LOT. Lately he's been washing dishes and has taken over all of the laundry. He watches the gang when I head out to class or on weekends when I head to the computer lab or library.

 

I don't think my family won't survive if we have to do this another year, but we're not thriving. I wonder if I've been sacrificing my family for a selfish dream . . . I don't have time for them. Or rather, the stress is stealing joy from the time we DO have. I haven't been open to inviting the dc's friends over or to heading out to the park or to helping them with their homework (often enough, I mean). I don't have time to join the choir or read a book FOR FUN or watch the littles zoom up and down the street on their scooters.

 

I'm going to post this before I think anymore. I'm sure it's incoherent. It's late and I'm thinking about the paper I must write before I go to bed and start the week at 5:30 in the morning. I could use some God-direction right now . . .

Edited February 16, 2009 by BamaTanya

[WTMCassandra]

Wow. You have been through the mill. So, am I correct that you have three choices?

 

1. Bail.

2. Quickie finish for MA.

3. Go the distance for PhD.

 

Am I right?

 

Maybe you should write your paper, go to bed, and then re-read your own post in the morning. Only you can make this decision. I know it's hard to balance self and family, and I think women are pre-loaded with extra guilt in this area as it is.

 

Which decision will allow you to look at yourself in the mirror every day and like the person you see?

 

(((BamaTanya)))

[PollyOR]

:grouphug: I don't know what you should do, but I can send a hug your way.

 

When I was divorced and living with my parents, I put my dd in preschool and returned to college. I don't have fond memories of those years...and now she is grown and will never live with us again. When she was little, it felt like we would be a family like that forever. Now that she is married, it seems to have gone by in the blink of an eye. That is my personal perspective.

[BamaTanya]

Wow. You have been through the mill. So, am I correct that you have three choices?

 

1. Bail.

2. Quickie finish for MA.

3. Go the distance for PhD.

 

Am I right?

 

Maybe you should write your paper, go to bed, and then re-read your own post in the morning. Only you can make this decision. I know it's hard to balance self and family, and I think women are pre-loaded with extra guilt in this area as it is.

 

Which decision will allow you to look at yourself in the mirror every day and like the person you see?

 

(((BamaTanya)))

 

Well, I guess #1 isn't a real option. I couldn't be happy with just quitting and not finishing the certificate. That would mean all of this time was wasted and I wouldn't be able to work in g/t at all next year (inadequate progress toward certification).

 

So it's #2 - master's level certificate and can keep working in g/t with same pay

 

or #3 which is actually an Ed.S. (educational specialist degree) -- for some reason they feel the need to have a step between masters and doctorate in education . . .

 

Why did I choose to specialize? Because I have 5 dc and I told dh I didn't want to return to teaching in a position that required substitute teachers. In g/t, I provide enrichment lessons and can rearrange the classes to suit meetings/absences/etc. If I get a call that one of my dc is sick or hurt, I'd be able to send my students to their regular classes and make it up with them later.

 

You're right. I AM preloaded with guilt on this. Really, I just want to be able to have an enjoyable (most of the time!) job and provide our family with some choices. Sometimes public school special ed is good and sometimes it's not. I don't want to deal with it when it's not. And I don't want to have to use "preferred care providers" who know less about autism than dh and I! Our budget was squeaky before I returned to work, but now I don't wonder where the money will come from for our new school trial . . .

 

Thanks for listening!

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

that is probably incompatible with most homeschool thoughts . . .

 

 

 

Oh, honey. I'm sorry you're struggling and hurting right now.

 

Such a hard decision. Given what you've put into it and how close you are, I'd *probably* stick it out for the masters, but that's mostly because I'm very stubborn. And that is NOT the best way to be, usually.

 

You can always say you have additional graduate work in xyz if you don't finish. And it's certainly not a failure, given what you've just said, if you don't finish up. Not in the least, IMO.

 

{{{BT}}}

Edited February 16, 2009 by Pam "SFSOM" in TN

[Ria]

Tanya, you poor thing. I think I'd go for the MS. If, someday, you want to get the PhD, you can do it after your kids are grown. Bailing would be counter-productive, I think....all that time and money for nothing. But a master's degree....now that's a huge accomplishment. So what if, for now, it means little or no more money? That's irrelevant. You will have finished. You will be proud of yourself. That's something money can't buy, kwim?

 

I'll pray for you. These decisions are not easy.

 

Ria

[FriedClams]

Ok, I am a business person so please forgive the bluntness...

 

Is the 7.5% pay increase, when you do the math with taxes, etc. worth the cost (and continued costs) of the program? How long will it take to recoup what you have invested? Would it be - without all the other factors - throwing good money after bad? Is it really financially worth it? If you do the math - add together everything - babysitting, meals out, all fees, parking, etc. Basic math may help you with this one. :) In a good way. Also - crunch the numbers of the MA - you may find that the middle of the road is the best overall investment and it would be wise to stop where you are. Run the numbers - they'll help take some emotion out of the equation.

 

For your kids - they may or may not even see you stretched thin. My mom got her CPA when she had a 6, 8, 10 and 12 year old at home. I remember her keeping her door shut and the "don't come in unless you've lost a limb" requirements - but other than that and a few nights of goofing off with my brother at the college waiting for Dad to pick us up - I never remember it affecting us. She MUST have been swamped - but kids are so self centered we never noticed!

[BamaTanya]

Ok, I am a business person so please forgive the bluntness...

 

Is the 7.5% pay increase, when you do the math with taxes, etc. worth the cost (and continued costs) of the program? How long will it take to recoup what you have invested? Would it be - without all the other factors - throwing good money after bad? Is it really financially worth it? If you do the math - add together everything - babysitting, meals out, all fees, parking, etc. Basic math may help you with this one. :) In a good way. Also - crunch the numbers of the MA - you may find that the middle of the road is the best overall investment and it would be wise to stop where you are. Run the numbers - they'll help take some emotion out of the equation.

 

 

 

You think like my engineer brother! I mean that in a good way! To me (without crunching in taxes and other costs) I think that it would pay off the first year of the raise . . . BUT . . . going to school has been MUCH more expensive in terms of convenience than I'd anticipated. Like hitting the drive thru every class night or exam-cramming night and picking up snacks during breaks . . .

 

Over the course of my career (until the theoretical time I could retire), I'd earn $56000 more dollars (gross - current value) with the higher level degree. Plus higher income in retirement.

 

And to Cadam, if I quit work next year to finish, I'd lose the $48000 salary I currently can expect. Probably have to take out more debt if we decide to continue private learning center for special needs ds, wait another year to replace 12-year old van and the central air for our home . . .

 

This year's take-home pay is currently dedicated to tithing, debt repayment, and the dc's schooling costs. We're like most everyone else in not wanting to make major purchases in this economy. Especially since I'm in an interim position and not finished with my schooling! But next year, if I'm finished, it would be different!

 

Maybe the pay difference isn't that great when you weigh in the stress of another year . . .

 

I just hate to not finish something I've started. And spent money on. :tongue_smilie:

Edited February 17, 2009 by BamaTanya

[Carol in Cal.]

And I'll tell you why. It will only be one bad year. You can take anything for one year. Your kids can, too. If it were 5 years, no. But 1 year? Definitely.

 

When DD was 2 1/2 I went back to work fulltime for a year. I knew that that was what it would take to get us situated so that I could actually quit instead of working parttime. It was a bad year, but a very good decision. If I had not done that, I would have been miserably trying to mix working and being a SAHM for the following 5 years. Since I had that one bad year, I proved to myself that I could do reentry, which gave me much more confidence when I quit, and it financially situated us so that I could quit for a very long time.

 

I think that you might consider backing off at work while you're writing your dissertation, though. It's an investment in your future. They respect that kind of thing in the workplace. They will get you back better than ever. Take a LOA or work parttime for a year.

 

Really, in this economy, something like a more advanced degree that makes you more hireable is tremendously valuable. And when you mentioned that this would buy you the flexibility to deal better with your children's needs, that clinched it for me. Do it, invest, get it over with, and move on. In the long run, you'll be so glad that you did.

 

If they weren't cancelling the program, I would still say this; but that adds to the urgency of it.

[*LC]

I'll vote with Carol. It is just one more bad year that will set up some good things. Right now you don't think you can do it, but you will have the summer to recover a bit.

 

The first year teaching, or back teaching, is always the hardest I hear. So, hopefully next year teaching and attending classes might me a bit easier.

 

Since you have a good counselor, see if you can work on your paper and research project this summer when the classes you need aren't offered. See if you can substitue another class (or two) that is (are) taught this summer for the one (two) you have left. It seems to me if they are closing down a program, there needs to be or should be some flexibility for the students that are currently enrolled in the program. What is the plan for students that are behind you in the program?

 

Good luck. You are close to the finish on this project, and to me it sounds like you have good reasons to finish.