LBC Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I really want to have healthy relationships with my teens. I don't want to be a paranoid, legalistic, rule crazy mom. I have my values, and my hopes and dreams for how my kids will handle dating and relationships. I started talking to my dd years ago about not dating when she's young. At the time, she was on board, but as she's matured, she really doesn't agree with me anymore. When I read posts about other teens who aren't interested in dating, I wish that were the case here. I'm not sure why my dd is different, but she is. Maybe it's because she's fairly attractive, and has had attention from boys for quite a few years. Maybe it's because she looks fairly mature for her age (people comment often that she looks about 18, but she just turned 15 last month). Maybe she's watched one too many sappy teen movies. Whatever the case, she's definitely interested in dating. Just before Christmas I posted that she wanted to get together with a boy that she met through Young Life. You can read the post here:http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?p=698544#poststop Since then she's been getting to know this boy more and more. He's a nice kid. He's from a Christian home (we're Christians, and this is important to us), he has a lot in common with my dd. They both really enjoy music. They have a lot of fun when they're together. He's nice to my other kids. I just want it all to slow down. We've told dd that she can't date until she's 16, and that even then there will be restrictions. She doesn't understand why, and I'm not sure what to tell her. I'm so torn about how to handle this. From a relational point of view, I would love to rejoice with her about the new things she's experiencing, and the things she enjoys about this young man. But as a mother, I want her to wait until she's older to experience these things. :confused: How can I be firm with what I think is best, and still support her in what she feels is important? Can you tell I'm confused? I have always parented from my heart, and from my instincts and intuition. Until now, it has worked well for me. I have never felt this uncertain about how to handle things. Maybe my intuition is being tainted by my own teen experiences (way too much, way too soon). There is no right or wrong answer here (although if there is, I'm open to know what it is).:tongue_smilie: Sorry... this is long. Any advice from those who have gone before me would be appreciated. Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karenciavo Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 She doesn't understand why, and I'm not sure what to tell her. Why don't you know what to tell her? I mean, I'm assuming you have reasons, right? They should suffice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 If you think she's getting mixed messages from the movies and shows she's watching then I would stop letting her watch them. I would keep her interactions with this boy to family settings. By all means, invite him over, so she doesn't feel like she has to sneak behind your back to see him. Tell her that right now all sorts of relationships are important and try to invite other kids over too if you are able so that you can underscore that for her. But she really is too young to making this relationship exclusive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 We've told dd that she can't date until she's 16, and that even then there will be restrictions. She doesn't understand why, and I'm not sure what to tell her. One of the things that I believe makes parenting my teen easy is that we are in continual conversation about our 'rules' and the logic and reason behind them. Whether your ideas are based on intuition or your own personal experience, you need to talk with your daughter about how you developed your family rules and what your expectations are. If you expect her to follow them, she must understand how you arrived at your rules and guidelines. "Because I said so," and similar ideas cease to work past the age of five or so. Maybe my intuition is being tainted by my own teen experiences (way too much, way too soon). Do remember that your daughter is not you. Don't mistrust her based on the choices you made as a teen. Have open and honest conversations with her, and help her to grow up making the wise choices that will allow her to become a brilliant, independent adult woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I'm glad mine are just babies so I don't have to worry about this stuff yet. It seems to me though, that you can't slow things down as much as you want to. It doesn't have to be all or nothing though. What is it she wants to do that you don't want her doing? Your ideas might not be as far apart as you fear. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LBC Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 Why don't you know what to tell her? I mean, I'm assuming you have reasons, right? They should suffice. I guess that's where I'm feeling confused. I have reasons, but because I have no experience, I'm not sure if my reasons are reasonable. Most of the non-homeschooling families in our circle of friends don't seem to have dating rules for their kids, and most of my homeschooling friends seem to assume that their children will just go along with a courtship model. I would love to have my children follow the courtship model, but I'm not yet convinced that it's a realistic model for our family. I know dd will respect the rules that dh and I decide on, but I'm trying to determine where the line is. I want to be convinced that our "rules" are reasonable so that I can enforce them with conviction - if that makes sense. Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I'm not a big fan of age requirements for things like dating, or for sleepovers, staying home alone, or babysitting for that matter. In my mind, these things should be decided on a case by case basis. Ideally privileges are tied to maturity level and opportunity. A 16yo with no one specific in mind doesn't need to be dating just because he or she is 'of age' while a 15yo with special feelings for someone you approve of should really be allowed to spend time with the young man within the parameters of the guidelines you set. Otherwise you run the risk of making this a much bigger thing than it is, KWIM? Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LBC Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 I'm not a big fan of age requirements for things like dating, or for sleepovers, staying home alone, or babysitting for that matter. In my mind, these things should be decided on a case by case basis. Ideally privileges are tied to maturity level and opportunity. A 16yo with no one specific in mind doesn't need to be dating just because he or she is 'of age' while a 15yo with special feelings for someone you approve of should really be allowed to spend time with the young man within the parameters of the guidelines you set. Otherwise you run the risk of making this a much bigger thing than it is, KWIM? Barb Yes, I do know what you mean. I really want to take these types of things into consideration. I am the type of parent who decides about sleep overs, movies, and many other issues on a case by case basis. I have always been opposed to setting a specific "dating age". The only reason we've told her she needs to be 16 before she can date is because she wants to date at 15.:tongue_smilie: Crazy, I know! I just don't know how to do this well. This is the type of feedback/input I need, though. Thanks! Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Yes, I do know what you mean. I really want to take these types of things into consideration. I am the type of parent who decides about sleep overs, movies, and many other issues on a case by case basis. I have always been opposed to setting a specific "dating age". The only reason we've told her she needs to be 16 before she can date is because she wants to date at 15.:tongue_smilie: Crazy, I know! I just don't know how to do this well. This is the type of feedback/input I need, though. Thanks! Lori Well, the opportunity is certainly there. How is her maturity level? Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LBC Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 Well, the opportunity is certainly there. How is her maturity level? Barb Overall, I would say that she's very mature for her age, and I fully trust her intentions. She's somewhat naive, but probably more mature than most girls her age. Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Overall, I would say that she's very mature for her age, and I fully trust her intentions. She's somewhat naive, but probably more mature than most girls her age. Lori Well, you only think you'll feel better about her dating at 16 than you do now. You are only postponing the inevitable with that tack. You may want to guide her through the dating process the same way you guided her through learning to stay at home alone when she was a little younger. You likely started by leaving her for a few minutes at a time, and then worked up to a few hours, checking in every so often until she was comfortable. Talk to her. Work out some reasonable boundaries together. It is good to create scarcity. Allow them to see one another but less often than either of them want. Delayed gratification is good for body and soul :D Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Well, I hate to be negative here, but my story isn't going to make things easier. My oldest DD23 wasn't allowed to date till age 16. That means that she had a boy who was a friend that she liked and they were not allowed to go anywhere together alone. He came over to our house and they were in youth group together. My daughter was a streight A student, mature in every way, mature in her faith and had made a personal committment to purity. We talked openly about her goals for herself including spiritually. We talked openly about sex and it's significance and she expressed a conviction to remain pure till marriage. We trusted her completely and thought even our own rule to wait till she was 16 was kind of silly considering her maturity level. But we did make her wait and on her 16th birthday, she went out with him. They dated for 2 years. Fast forward several years. This daughter confessed to me the she and the boy sinned sexually. She expresed regret for what happened and told me she had not been ready for the responsiblity of dating and wished we had not let her. *heart sinks* I don't know what else we could have done. I do know that with DD17 and DD7 we will be handling things differently. More of a courtship type set up and definately no alone dates, even at age 16. Not sure how this will all play out. Our DD17 is not dating yet. As for your daughter, sticking to the age 16 rule is the least you should do. The response is easy. Growing up is gradual and comes with new responsibilities and privilages gradually. It is your opinion that less then 16 is too young for the responsibilies of dating. You have to draw the line somewhere and that is where you have decided to draw it. (No apologies needed - you are trying to be a good parent.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anissarobert Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 My dd is also 15. Although we are not a super religious family because my dh and I have different religious beliefs we have decided not to allow our dc to date while they live at home. I view dating as a way to find a spouse. Since teens are not looking to get married they really don't need to be dating. It is hard enough emotionally to be a teenager, without adding all the angst of romance and intimacy into their lives. My dd has friends who are male and she is allowed to see them in family situations and in supervised groups, but she will not do one on one dating. Of course this is easier for me right now because she is not asking! She knows what I would say!:001_smile: I went through so much pain as a teen over crushes and relationships. I want my kids to be able to put adult feelings off until they are mature and responsible enough to handle them. HTH:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I am not sure why there needs to be a particular age- to me "16" or "18" or whatever seems arbitrary- or simply useful for postponing teh whole issue-but what matters more is the maturity of the child. Plenty of people in history married young, although they didnt do the whole dating thing our culture does. My dd is 14.5 and in the last 6 months- whew, what a change. Truth is, I set boundaries, however she has friends and a life away from me with Scouts/Venturers, is very socially extroverted and gorgeous looking to boot- I think I would destroy my relationship with her, and her own natural development, to place too extreme restrictions on her. I mean, I don't want her to grow up in some ways- it was so much easier when she was younger- but she IS growing up, boys ARE interested in her, and she IS interested in them. But there is not a lot of space in her life for a "relationship" so it is self limiting. I won't drive her all over the place and no one lives close to us, so even though she is playing with having a "boyfriend" it's not really going to go anywhere yet. But restricting it would create a big deal about something that really isnt. A friend who is Anglo Indian- Indian parents but she grew up in London- was discussing with me the whole "arranged marriage" thing. She said one of the benefits of a culture where they do that is that you can let your daughter go and stay with another family, and you know that that family has the same values as you- as in, they wouldn't dream of allowing your daughter to be alone with their son. Nowadays in the West, everyone has such different values and it's difficult to navigate the whole boy girl thing. I have had issues lately with my 14yo going on camps with boys with Scouts and there being no direct adult supervision- although I think the boys are respectable and am sure "nothing happened", I dont want to put my daughter in that position very often at her age- and I think I am pretty liberal and not conservative. But in the end, I think as a parent the best you can do is do your best- and be ready to be wrong, to humble yourself, to say sorry, and sometimes to let them see that its not so easy for you to be the bad guy when you really really want to just love them and be the good guy, but within your integrity you feel to set a boundary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 This *is* tough. If you were certain about your own beliefs and reasons, it would make it soooooooooooooooo much easier. I don't really think that your daughter disagreeing is the problem. My daughter disagrees with the state and me about driving; so what. LOL But I was ready to follow through to a particular degree and that headed off issues. For example, if MY 15yo (my kids are 16 and almost 14) wanted to date (btw, my 14yo thinks older teens should be able to date though we don't think kids should date until a few years into their 20's), it would be a non-issue. We would never have allowed the kids to text, talk on the phone, "hang out," etc. I would have strongly encouraged my child to "look away" (we had a traveling overseer do a funny part about that so it makes it light, but firm) which would include not pairing up even in groups and such. In fact, it would be wiser, if they intentionally didn't spend time together. By doing that from the get-go, it would have been easier because it was just thinking this guy was cute, sweet, whatever. But now, their feelings have developed further. I would LIKE to say that I think you should just set the limit and go on with life, that your daughter will deal. But I DO think you're right about the relationship aspect. Because you've allowed this to go on too long and too much, you DO risk the relationship by restricting her. It still IS a consideration, of course. If she is fairly mature and responsible, she'll get it despite her hormones and developed feelings. She'll choose better just because you've finally set the boundary and she sees the wisdom in respecting it regardless of whether she agrees with you. But it is possible it will make this a greater temptation, cause a ruckus in the family, etc. My second option would be a courtship model at least until she's 18 (could start now or when she's 16). This would respect her feelings for this guy, but allow her to have better guidance, be safer, etc. It is a compromise she may go along with easily enough. If you did the latter, I would also ask that texting not be done, all phone calls be done in earshot of the family, etc. Too much privacy can really be an issue. I still have a bit of trouble with allowing this. This is obviously because I think 15yos should be developing THEMSELVES, not tying themselves to a male. I think it's problematic in a few ways. I also think it may be best considering the situation you've allowed. I also have trouble with this because of my own past (note: I've changed religions since I was a kid). I got with my best friend on a mission trip when I was 16. On that trip, we were mildly inappropriate. We were inappropriate at the church (youth group, choir, etc). At his house, we were EXTREMELY inappropriate. On a visit to my house near some holidays, we went on a walk in the subdivision. I got pregnant from what happened on that walk. I had just turned 17. Sometimes feelings and hormones are just too much for teens to handle. The scriptures give us all sorts of counsel to not let those things carry on in our minds, to let ourselves into situations, etc. I'm SURE our parents thought we were safe considering, but...WE didn't heed scripture and our parents didn't make sure of the situation. I so wish you had decided FOR SURE your stance before your daughter was interested in a boy. You could have headed this issue off, at least to a great degree. I do hope you find the situation that works well for you. I know if it were my daughter I probably could still redirect the situation. She is extremely mature (in that way), reasonable, spiritually-minded, etc. That helps so much. The ideal, imo, would be that you think your daughter is similar and would at least follow the "rules" you set forth. Then you could still back up without it damaging your relationship with her. She may have some things to deal with initially, but would come around easily enough. And please don't take my "if only you had..." as beating you up. We ALL make mistakes. My hope is that someone else reading the thread will know that regardless of what their belief is, they should decide what it is and be ready to follow through so they don't end up in a situation like this. This is true regardless of the topic. We just have to anticipate things as parents. I wish you the best... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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