dragons in the flower bed Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 (and presuming for the sake of argument that you think that's a stellar way to handle a problem) . . . is it right to override someone else's power to distance themselves from sources of abuse? I'm rethinking one particular incident in my life when I did not overcome anger with love as Buddha recommends or offer the other cheek as Jesus phrased it. I felt that if I did, I would expose other people to his abuse, and I didn't have the right to do that to them. I was not cruel back, either, but just walked away from that person. Now, my mind keeps returning to how things might be different today if I had chosen to "kill him with kindness," as my dad used to say. Would the person still be hurting people? Would I be more hurt, or my children, or the people in the group we were in together? To what extent do we allow the consequences to others to prevent our repaying abuse with love? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 It really does depend upon the situation and relationships involved. There are times we are told to walk away (shake the dust off of our feet). There are other times we are supposed to stand and be counted. There are still other times we are supposed to repay evil with good. We aren't supposed to "get revenge" -- but that doesn't mean we have to stay and take abuse either. You wouldn't leave your children (or anyone else's )in a room alone with someone you knew was a pedofile... in fact, you'd probably report the person and the activity you had witnessed. Granted, this is an extreme case -- but evil is still evil, and I do believe we have an obligation to prevent wrong when we can. When someone mistreats us (through intentional or unintentional means), like yelling, lying about us, etc. Sometimes it is better to turn the other cheek and repay evil with good. If I didn't really know the person, and had no reason to continue the association, I might say "this isn't right" (more eloquently), but pretty much walk away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Love is doing the best thing for someone. If someone is abusive, sometimes the best thing to do for them is to simply tell them "no" and to walk away. If staying or "killing them with kindness" enables them in some way that is not love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen sn Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I am convinced some people have no heart, no conscience, nothing good in their soul. You can be nice til you are blue in the face. It.just.doesn't.matter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 You have to use the right tool for the job. Sometimes killing them with kindness is the right tool, sometimes walking away, sometimes a verbal clip over the ear is. The right tool depends what will work on them and also what tool you are capable of using at the time. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Lynx Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 (and presuming for the sake of argument that you think that's a stellar way to handle a problem) . . . is it right to override someone else's power to distance themselves from sources of abuse? I'm rethinking one particular incident in my life when I did not overcome anger with love as Buddha recommends or offer the other cheek as Jesus phrased it. I felt that if I did, I would expose other people to his abuse, and I didn't have the right to do that to them. I was not cruel back, either, but just walked away from that person. Now, my mind keeps returning to how things might be different today if I had chosen to "kill him with kindness," as my dad used to say. Would the person still be hurting people? Would I be more hurt, or my children, or the people in the group we were in together? To what extent do we allow the consequences to others to prevent our repaying abuse with love? Rose - don't let your mind keep returning to that place. You cannot change the past. And you are not responsible for that person still hurting people. If you felt that you would expose others to abuse at the time, then you acted with love for those people you were protecting. Sometimes, when we act with love in someone's interest, it precludes acting in someone else's interest. And if it was your children you were protecting, then you were fulfilling a sacred trust by protecting them. All you can do is your best at the time. And another situation will not be the same situation. {{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}} Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
percytruffle Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I think the world has a skewed version of what love is. It is not a feeling so much as an act. To love someone is, as others have said, doing what is right or best for them and for others. Love is not always turning the other cheek. Since you used Jesus as an example, Jesus did not turn the other cheek when he overturned the money changing tables in the temple. Ecclesiastes 3 1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. Also, since you mentioned Buddha, you may find this article interesting. It speaks of anger as appropriate at times and brings to light what truly are "destructive emotions" and how to overcome them. Possibly your guilt and dwelling on a past decision is the truly destructive emotion and not the original decision itself. Anyway, something to think about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Walking away from a source of abuse can be, and I would say usually IS, the best way to honour and love YOURSELF! And YOU are the only person you can actually change and only YOU can take the best care of yourself. Its not selfish- its the most loving thing you can do. My experience with abuse, and I have quite a bit of experience with it, is the other person is rarely in the right space at the time to hear you or receive your love, anyway. Perhaps later, when they are calmed down and not in the middle of their rage, you can express love- but most of us cant hear or receive love when we are emotionally triggered. The best thing is to take space and regroup, and then, if they feel remorse and truly want to communicate and make ammends, you may be able to reach them. But until they are truly willing to help themselves, there's nothing you can do. No point hurting yourself over the past. Send the person your love and prayers now. You dont have to talk to them. Just know a part of them hears you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trivium Academy Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I didn't read the other comments before responding but abuse is not something you can kill with kindness. It originates from the person who is being abusive not from external circumstances. Walking away was the smart decision, it was a sign of love for yourself and whomever you were protecting and for the person who was abusive. You told that person that the behavior was not acceptable and you would not take part- that was a very loving thing to do towards that person. Even if that person doesn't see it that way ;) Without any other details, I don't think you have anything to regret or that you went against anyone's teachings. I don't think Jesus or Buddha was calling anyone to be a doormat or punching bag (in any way shape or form) but to teach about controlling your own emotions and actions. That's just my thoughts on it. YMMV Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I don't think Jesus or Buddha was calling anyone to be a doormat or punching bag (in any way shape or form) but to teach about controlling your own emotions and actions. That's just my thoughts on it. YMMV I agree. And, perhaps, instead of "repay", which implies direct retribution, you should consider that you "answered" abuse with love, in a much more global sense, by walking away and protecting others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 Thanks for the gentle feedback, everyone. You've helped me put the issue to rest in my mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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