3littlekeets Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 Okay, so I'm not the best parent. I'm working on stopping my own yelling and screaming as we speak. It's hard work, but I'm getting there -- I'm from a family of screamers and beraters. My 10 yo has become increasingly defiant and obnoxious -- refusing to do chores, saying he hates me or his siblings, lying, etc. I'm at wits end... we've tried reason, spanking, taking things away, adding chores, to no avail and things are escalating. How can we break this cycle? I'm at wits end! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bumbledeb Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 Okay, so I'm not the best parent. I'm working on stopping my own yelling and screaming as we speak. It's hard work, but I'm getting there -- I'm from a family of screamers and beraters. My 10 yo has become increasingly defiant and obnoxious -- refusing to do chores, saying he hates me or his siblings, lying, etc. I'm at wits end... we've tried reason, spanking, taking things away, adding chores, to no avail and things are escalating. How can we break this cycle? I'm at wits end! :grouphug:I'm so sorry you are all going through this. I hope you really can break the cycle, and soon. I think you are right that you have to start with your own behaviour before you can expect to see improvements in that of your 10 year old. Try to react to everything with calmness and love. And patience. Work hard on modeling the kind of behaviour you would like to see in your son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 Okay, so I'm not the best parent. I'm working on stopping my own yelling and screaming as we speak. It's hard work, but I'm getting there -- I'm from a family of screamers and beraters. My 10 yo has become increasingly defiant and obnoxious -- refusing to do chores, saying he hates me or his siblings, lying, etc. I'm at wits end... we've tried reason, spanking, taking things away, adding chores, to no avail and things are escalating. How can we break this cycle? I'm at wits end! Sarcasm is my middle name... I pulled out my old copy of "The Manipulative Child" and lo and behold, I found myself there. All in black and white. I am the parent that manipulates and capitulates and negotiates. NOT GOOD. I have modeled the behavior that I detest. I am the promoter of this behavior. My ds displays this behavior daily and it's affecting him socially and emotionally. First, I MUST GAIN CONTROL OF MY OWN BEHAVIOR (I'm yelling at me here, not you!) and stop manipulating via empty threat , emotional blackmail and sarcasm!!! Then I will go to work on my child and help him, by modeling self-control and non-manipulative behavior. The book instructs parents to use SPR (Stop, Pause and Redirect) as a tool to stop the behaviors you are talking about. As soon as I finish reading the book, I'm going to get dh on board. I'm on a mission to get control of myself - and stop trying to control my child. The methods I've used thus far are very unhealthy (and run in my family) and I want to cease using them before I do anymore damage. I'm just letting you know that you are not alone in this struggle. K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 As I read the continual posts about this, and it coincides with this middle age of 8-11, I'm thinking that maybe it's the age that we all start realizing....we have 3 years or so before they are teens. We all have our own methods...and some of them work/some don't. Instead of talking about what you don't like...start talking about what type of relationship you want...ask what they want. My husband is good at talking until your ear falls off....and some of that works....he'll keep on until they're attitude changes, even if it's out of desperation! Also, for bad attitudes, nothing works...like physical work. I notice that children become "sweeter" after really hard work. It should be done often...but here, it's mostly linked to bad attitudes. The first time my husband told my daughter she'd have to work if she didn't start getting a good attitude, she took him up on it...and they both worked for hours moving bricks or something. Now, he can say something about work, and it usually calms the situation. I believe in some punitive solutions, and I also really like Love and Logic.(there's one for teens,too, and that's the one I'm reading right now.) I'm rereading this. Sometimes I act like "Super Nanny" which my daughter loves to watch, so she recognizes it and it sometimes kinda makes her get in a good mood. I've found that if I can keep the consequences something that she does not like, but also not too long...that she can stop herself from going too far.... If they're too big, it overwhelms her and she doesn't see a way out. (Time-out for 2 minutes....and then progressing if it doesn't work...is better for her...than time-out for 10 minutes...and then another 10... This is because she wants to stop herself before she's "in trouble".) Lots of exercise...lots and lots of bike riding...running around...moving wood.... It's actually the way people are wired, and city people just don't have the normal ways to get their energy out. Carrie:-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maria/ME Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 You've got some wonderful advice here. Typical for this age, try to ask their input on the problem (it's they age they want to be seen as individuals), model good behaviour, and praise, praise, praise when you can to keep the positive in the forefront. Don't accept bad behaviour. I often ask my dd10 "Do mom and dad treat each other this way? No. So this is unacceptable in our family." So that means we all have to tow the line! An article that helped me understand this was given in another thread. Nine Year Olds. This stage lasts for a couple years, and then we get the "teens"! Lucky us! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LBC Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 For any parenting issues, I always find myself going back to Dr. Gordon Neufeld's book: Hold on to Your Kids. He would recommend that you "work the relationship". Take some time each morning to cuddle, or read, or do something that gets your dc's engine purring. If you start the day with your relationship on track, the behaviors are easier to address, and the correction comes from a place of love, rather than a place of frustration. It works both ways. If you're totally frustrated with your dc, dc will begin to pick up on that, which often translates to acting out, and testing your love. Vicious circle. I need to read this book again. I know that there are some issues with my dc that are coming up, and I need to be reminded about how to deal with the relationships, not just the behaviors. :grouphug: Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3littlekeets Posted December 30, 2008 Author Share Posted December 30, 2008 Thank you for the wonderful support. It's horrible knowing that he has learned from me, but I know that it is the truth. It is also helpful knowing I'm not the only one with poor skills as a parent (who wants to be a good parent) ...sometimes I think I'm alone in that boat. Thank you for the suggestions and readings. It's very reassuring knowing that right now I can only change my behavior -- and I will start with the suggestions for his as we move along! Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maria/ME Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 Thank you for the wonderful support. It's horrible knowing that he has learned from me, but I know that it is the truth. It is also helpful knowing I'm not the only one with poor skills as a parent (who wants to be a good parent) ...sometimes I think I'm alone in that boat. Thank you for the suggestions and readings. It's very reassuring knowing that right now I can only change my behavior -- and I will start with the suggestions for his as we move along! Thank you! You are WAY ahead of the game if you acknowledge that he learned the behavior from you. That makes you able to help yourself and him much,much better than if you were denying your role. Half the battle is over!! Good for you!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 Sarcasm is my middle name... I pulled out my old copy of "The Manipulative Child" and lo and behold' date=' I found myself there. All in black and white. I am the parent that manipulates and capitulates and negotiates. NOT GOOD. I have modeled the behavior that I detest. I am the promoter of this behavior. My ds displays this behavior daily and it's affecting him socially and emotionally. First, I MUST GAIN CONTROL OF MY OWN BEHAVIOR (I'm yelling at me here, not you!) and stop manipulating via empty threat , emotional blackmail and sarcasm!!! Then I will go to work on my child and help him, by modeling self-control and non-manipulative behavior. The book instructs parents to use SPR (Stop, Pause and Redirect) as a tool to stop the behaviors you are talking about. As soon as I finish reading the book, I'm going to get dh on board. I'm on a mission to get control of myself - and stop trying to control my child. The methods I've used thus far are very unhealthy (and run in my family) and I want to cease using them before I do anymore damage. I'm just letting you know that you are not alone in this struggle. K[/quote'] I will have to look into that book, I am the same way. I have been working through transforming the difficult child, but ultimately I think it really boils down to me transforming myself before I can transform the children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 I'd work on the relationship first, then see how that feeds into his behaviour. I recommend a book called 'Hold On To Your Kids', to help with that. You can read the first chapter on the author's website. Best wishes Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 The parenting advice that has helped us the most is free online. Fixing ourselves first has sections such as cultivating love and joy and overcoming a critical spirit. Then there is a section titled irritation with children that is helpful as well. Most of what has helped us is Biblical. I don't know you, so I am sorry if this offends. Cann I Control My Emotions? Here is an article that really helped me and DD both. Maybe some of the scriptures can help your family if you study it together. (But not as a punishment.;)) http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/ch11.asp This chapter on temper tantrums has scriptures quoted. Really thinking on them has helped me to control my temper And the RGT website has the entire book online for free as well. I feel you could read the whole thing first, and really focus on the positives, there are many of them... and not just the punishment/ consistency/ obediance parts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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