Grandkids/future hypothetical grands - what do/will you do to nurture relationships?

[Jaybee]

6 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

My MIL would see the kids a couple times a year when they were little and she just tried to cram in all the parenting she could during that time. Correcting them on their manners, religious instruction, eat your vegetables. It was just so misguided. My kids are really easy going but they still talk about how she would take them out to lunch and then correct their orders if they ordered French fries and Mac and cheese as sides instead of a veggie. Then she would bring them home and report that they didn’t eat their carrots.  Just no. So so no. 

We tried to explain that she wasn’t going to fix everything we were doing wrong raising them two weeks a year but she would double down that someone had to do it and it was her responsibility and that is just the way she is and she isn’t going to change and her mother was that way and we had to just get used to it. 

My ddil had a very complicated pregnancy a couple of years ago. I went and stayed with the kids for a week when she and ds had to travel for her to have surgery, then went back to stay for the last part of the pregnancy (at their request). The week that I went early on, there were some things that really bothered me concerning cleaning up, clutter, etc.--and I am not a neat freak. It was very stressful to me, and caused a little friction between me and the grandchildren. When I went back longer term, I determined that I was not going to handle it the same way. We'd take a few minutes here and there to toss everything in its place and I wouldn't worry about having them help me; that was for ds and ddil to train them in, and my few months was not going to matter. It helped me relax and be able to enjoy them so much more. It also helped tremendously that ds had instigated the rule that scissors were out of reach 😂(dgd was "always" doing projects that involved cutting up pieces of paper so there were little paper scraps constantly all over the floor).

I am conscientious and intentional about respecting that their parents are the parents, and try hard not to either undermine their parenting or take it on as my responsibility.

[teachermom2834]

3 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

My ddil had a very complicated pregnancy a couple of years ago. I went and stayed with the kids for a week when she and ds had to travel for her to have surgery, then went back to stay for the last part of the pregnancy (at their request). The week that I went early on, there were some things that really bothered me concerning cleaning up, clutter, etc.--and I am not a neat freak. It was very stressful to me, and caused a little friction between me and the grandchildren. When I went back longer term, I determined that I was not going to handle it the same way. We'd take a few minutes here and there to toss everything in its place and I wouldn't worry about having them help me; that was for ds and ddil to train them in, and my few months was not going to matter. It helped me relax and be able to enjoy them so much more. It also helped tremendously that ds had instigated the rule that scissors were out of reach 😂(dgd was "always" doing projects that involved cutting up pieces of paper so there were little paper scraps constantly all over the floor).

I am conscientious and intentional about respecting that their parents are the parents, and try hard not to either undermine their parenting or take it on as my responsibility.

That is so understandable that you were stressed in that situation but you did such a good job recognizing it and adapting. Good work, Grandma! I think that is what I am going to be going for because I’m human and I’m sure there will be things that bug me. But my sons aren’t going to (and shouldn’t!) choose me over their wives. I’m going to lose if I cause any stress so I’m just not going to. Or I’m going to work really hard at not causing any. 
 

I have a lot to offer but I’ve also seen kids grow up all sorts of ways and be functioning adults. So I’m less judgmental about all the parenting things than I used to be anyway. 
 

 

[fairfarmhand]

One thing not to do is to believe that the kids are supposed to stay at some magical age. When they change, adapt. They won't always be interested in the same things that they liked when they were seven and that's ok.  Keep up with their changing interests and tastes. 

Ask if they still like X before you gift it to them for Christmas or Birthdays.  Just because a little girl loves Barbie pink at age 8 doesn't mean that she'll still like everything pink at age 13. 

 

[Midwest Momma]

Thanks so much for these ideas! I am keeping them for (hopefully) future use! 🥰

[Ginevra]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

One thing not to do is to believe that the kids are supposed to stay at some magical age. When they change, adapt. They won't always be interested in the same things that they liked when they were seven and that's ok.  Keep up with their changing interests and tastes. 

Ask if they still like X before you gift it to them for Christmas or Birthdays.  Just because a little girl loves Barbie pink at age 8 doesn't mean that she'll still like everything pink at age 13. 

 

For sure! My mother often made that mistake. If a kid liked Huskies or Lightning McQueen or the color yellow, my mom would think *anything* with a huskie on it would surely be a hit until the end of time. 

[Danae]

I plan to be careful to make sure visiting me never turns into a chore that my grandkids (or their parents) resent.  I will never try to guilt them into visiting more often, and when they do visit I will be pleasant company and not complain the whole time about how they want to sometimes do things other than dance attendance on me.