I need help handling MIL

[jenn-]

My MIL and I actually get along for the most part. She has had to be "put in her place" once or twice by my DH, but overall it isn't to bad. DD spends the night with her semi frequently (usually at least 1 weekend a month). She just got home today having been with MIL since Thursday night. Apparently this weekend MIL told DD that she needs to go back to school. DD claims she wasn't listening well to MIL when she was trying to explain some math assignment (she took her Friday math work to do). The is not the first time MIL has said something to DD about needing to go back to school. She would never say anything about our choices directly to us, because that would result in being told to stay out of our business. Last semester she would pull this and DD would then want to go back to school for a few days. This year DD thinks MIL is nuts, as she loves homeschooling. I'd hate to make a tense environment for the holidays, but I think we need to have a little chat with MIL. DD will be schooling this week, even on Christmas Eve, and I know that is bugging the poop out of MIL, who seems to think DD needs a break. Nevermind the week she just had off going to Disney World with none other than MIL. You know I don't really know if I have any questions, guess it is more of a vent. How do you handle disapproving family members?

[Danestress]

How do you handle disapproving family members?

 

Can you get a private moment with MIL and tell her that you understand she disapproves of some of your choices and that you understand that people are not always going to agree on things, but that she needs to bring her questions and concerns to you rather than to DD because it's upsetting to DD and makes her feel disloyal when your choices are criticized?

[Ohio12]

Can you get a private moment with MIL and tell her that you understand she disapproves of some of your choices and that you understand that people are not always going to agree on things, but that she needs to bring her questions and concerns to you rather than to DD because it's upsetting to DD and makes her feel disloyal when your choices are criticized?

 

I agree with this except maybe to wait until after the holidays..if you can try not to stew about it too much. Otherwise it might become "the Christmas I confronted MIL"

[myfunnybunch]

...she needs to bring her questions and concerns to you rather than to DD because it's upsetting to DD and makes her feel disloyal when your choices are criticized?

 

Yes! It also helps to frame it in a positive manner. Your dd loves and respects her grandmother. She loves and respects her parents. These kinds of remarks place her firmly in the middle, regarding a decision over which she really has no control.

 

Pointing this out directly and kindly was what finally worked with my MIL, though over a completely different issue. She was constantly criticizing my step-dd's mother, both to dd and to dh & I in front of dd. I know that MIL loves our daughter very much and would never want to hurt her feelings in any way. So I pointed out that she was putting dd in a difficult position because dd loves and respects her grandmother and her mother. Once MIL realized that her remarks were confusing and hurtful to my dd, she stopped.

 

Cat

[Scarlett]

I would ignore it at this point. This is such a minor blip on the MIL issues of *my* world that I would not give it a second thought. She has her opinion, she stated it and that is that. I probably wouldn't send school work to her house anymore. And I'd count it a blessing to have a MIL who loves my child.

[Hen]

just my thoughts here, but I have problems with my dad and step-mom off and on. The big thing we've noticed, is that the more time they spend with the kids, the more they seem to cross the line and start thinking that they are the parents, and that their insight or what they think should happen- is king. Maybe you might scale back on large chunks of time your dd spends with your mil? We scaled back the spend the night once a month, and the weekly spend the whole day and evening..and we've had less problems. Just a thought.

 

sorry, that is stinky what your mil is doing...hug.

[jenn-]

I talked to my DH who says he will talk to his mom. I wonder how long I am going to have to nag him until he actually does :glare:.

[kewb]

My in-laws do not support our decision at all and I have had similar moments only mil tells me they need to go back to school. She seems to view this as our year off but that next year we will get serious and send them back to school. After all I can't teach them through high school and how will they go to college.

 

I was smiling politely and thinking about asking her to pass the bean dip when dh walked by and heard her. He was, in my opinion, a little harsh to his mom, but I was also thrilled to hear him supporting our decision

 

So to make my long story longer, I would let dh handle it and try not to stew over the holidays. Plus, cut back on dd's alone time with her.

[melissel]

I agree with this except maybe to wait until after the holidays..if you can try not to stew about it too much. Otherwise it might become "the Christmas I confronted MIL"

 

:lol::lol:

 

Yes, I was thinking the same thing. I'd concentrate on addressing it with DD right now, and if you think MIL won't subside on her own, I'd wait until after the holidays. AND I'd make DH do it.

 

ETA: Doh! Should have read all the replies. I hope it works out!

[BlueGator]

DD claims she wasn't listening well to MIL when she was trying to explain some math assignment (she took her Friday math work to do). The is not the first time MIL has said something to DD about needing to go back to school.

 

I would not have DD take any school work to MILs home or discuss HS in detail.

[Nicole M]

I would not have DD take any school work to MILs home or discuss HS in detail.

 

That's what I'm thinking.

 

MIL is in a tight spot. Not that that excuses her behavior. She's being asked to be (or has been invited to be) highly involved with her granddaughter's life. If you want a boundary to be drawn at your daughter's education, then do not send work with her.

 

At 8, it's not going to damage the child to miss a day or two here or there. In my house, even a week at Disneyland would not be "made up" during Christmas week (too much work for me!). If you value your MIL's involvement in your daughter's life, then set up times when school work is not on the agenda.

[jenn-]

That's what I'm thinking.

 

MIL is in a tight spot. Not that that excuses her behavior. She's being asked to be (or has been invited to be) highly involved with her granddaughter's life. If you want a boundary to be drawn at your daughter's education, then do not send work with her.

 

At 8, it's not going to damage the child to miss a day or two here or there. In my house, even a week at Disneyland would not be "made up" during Christmas week (too much work for me!). If you value your MIL's involvement in your daughter's life, then set up times when school work is not on the agenda.

 

We school year round without any major breaks. I have found that if she takes any significant breaks, she is h*** to work with until she gets back into routine. If this overnight would have been scheduled in advance, I wouldn't have had her bring her math along, but MIL came over Thursday and asked to take her. As they were going shopping on Friday 1.5 hrs away, I figured DD had more than enough time to get her math done (it was a whopping 2 pages). I don't have to worry about DD taking school work to MIL's for a while as she does taxes and works almost 7 days a week for the next 4 months, which is the only reason I agreed to have her go on such short notice this time. Luckily the "school year" will almost be over by the time she is done work. DH will talk to MIL. I hope it is sooner than later. I will have a hard time keeping my mouth shut on Christmas if he hasn't yet. This is just an icing on the cake situation right now.

[BlueGator]

if she takes any significant breaks, she is h*** to work with until she gets back into routine.

 

I have the same situation.

 

if this overnight would have been scheduled in advance, I wouldn't have had her bring her math along, but MIL came over Thursday and asked to take her.

 

I've found the unscheduled and good intentions things wreak the most havoc in MIL issues.

 

I've found it is best not to give MIL bullets to shot me with.

[Cheryl in NM]

My MIL and I actually get along for the most part. She has had to be "put in her place" once or twice by my DH, but overall it isn't to bad. DD spends the night with her semi frequently (usually at least 1 weekend a month). She just got home today having been with MIL since Thursday night. Apparently this weekend MIL told DD that she needs to go back to school. DD claims she wasn't listening well to MIL when she was trying to explain some math assignment (she took her Friday math work to do). The is not the first time MIL has said something to DD about needing to go back to school. She would never say anything about our choices directly to us, because that would result in being told to stay out of our business. Last semester she would pull this and DD would then want to go back to school for a few days. This year DD thinks MIL is nuts, as she loves homeschooling. I'd hate to make a tense environment for the holidays, but I think we need to have a little chat with MIL. DD will be schooling this week, even on Christmas Eve, and I know that is bugging the poop out of MIL, who seems to think DD needs a break. Nevermind the week she just had off going to Disney World with none other than MIL. You know I don't really know if I have any questions, guess it is more of a vent. How do you handle disapproving family members?

 

Here's what I would do. I would cut all contact between dc and mil. When mil notices and asks what it going on then I'd tell that obviously she doesn't value time with dc since she can't be respectful of our decisions. I will make it clear that she can only spend time with dc when she can behave herself. I would also explain to dc that not everyone thinks homeschooling is a good idea, but that is what our family has chosen and it doesn't really matter what others think of the idea. I would explain to dc that they can love grandma, but realize that she thinks they should be in ps, but you are their mother and you've decided to homeschool. I wouldn't mention anything over Christmas. In fact I wouldn't mention anything until she notices that she is not receiving unsupervised time with you dc.

 

There are 2 issues here:

1. Mil needs to be respectful, but you can't force her to be and constantly having to have talks with her is ridiculous. You need to put actions to your words. Your mil needs to learn that by speaking against your parenting choices to your dc she is undermining you are parents and that won't be tolerated. So that means that if she can't control herself then her time with your dc will supervised.

2. Your dc need to understand that people have their opinions and their opinions do not affect your parenting choices. You don't need to change people's opinions just love them in spite of them if you can.