Teens intentionally getting pregnant: Is this common?

[Kathy in MD]

Well, sure if he puts himself in situations where he reaches the point of no return. You are not giving your son enough credit...to say he couldn't resist makes him no better than saying the girl got pregnant on purpose.

 

And I know the OP was just making an observation about the shocking behavior of teens today. I do think it is worth noting that the action creates the responsibility...not the intent or the outcome.

 

Although it is better to keep a child than have an abortion, it is still very disturbing that there is no negative stigma attached (in general) to being pregnant out of wedlock. It is tricky to encourage life over abortion and not be encouraging children out of wedlock. Things are just really messed up. I sure hope I can help my son make wise decisions.

 

What we need to do is encourage adoption for these pregnancies. Unfortunately it's not only teenage girls who encourage each other to keep the babies. When I was taking adoption classes prior to getting ds, we were told of social workers pressuring an unwed, teen mother to keep her child. She had already selected a good, mature couple to adopt the baby. Around that same time there were some birth mothers on the daytime TV talkshows actively discouraging adoption and searching and find the birthparents was being glorified on those same shows. I could see that some birthmothers considering adoption might opt for abortion if they thought in 15-20 years a secure family life might be damaged by a previous child popping up.

 

Predjudice against adoption in the general population also shows with stray comments about "I could never put my child up for adoption" ( A direct quote from my mother with an adopted neice, nephew and 2 grandchildren). Or "no way Is MY grandbaby being put up for adoption. I'll help my dd raise him" The dd, the first to be in college, had to drop out because grandmom couldn't help raise the baby a year later.

 

If you want to reduce the # of teen mothers, we need to encourage adoption AND birthcontrol. This won't make a large difference though in the "I want someone to love me" group though. Maybe force them to hear 3 year-olds shouting "I hate you!" ?

[LBC]

Um, if the boy is going to be sticking his penis in a spot it could conceive a child it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to make sure it is sterile. Sheath it. Just as it is the girls responsibility to ensure she won't get pregnant instead of leaving that chance to her partner. If you sheath your member and use spermicide, you're running a low chance of producing a baby. Anyone ASSUMING birth control is being used is being stupid.

 

Yes, I already clarified this earlier in the thread. Here's my response:

 

 

... I'm really not saying that it is a girl's responsibility to use birth control, and the boys are innocent victims. I would be just as upset to hear that boys were trying to get girls pregnant. Creating a life with someone should at least be a shared decision. Unless the boys are aware of the girls' motives, it is deceptive. Kids who are "messing around" in their teens are rarely mature enough to think of the long term consequences of their actions. They are also quite often experimenting with drugs and alcohol, which further impairs their judgment.

 

I certainly didn't post this to start a controversial subject about shared responsibility in using birth control.:001_huh:

 

Lori

 

The point I was trying to make was that there's a world of difference between assuming there is birth control being used (irresponsible), and being in a situation where the partner has the specific goal of getting pregnant.

 

Lori

[Scarlett]

I don't know the intention of the post you are responding to here, but I do think that the 'lack of stigma' (which I would define more as a gleeful exuberance) has gotten out of control, encouraging teens (and, yes, I define this more as under 18's really) to have babies because 'it would be fun and there's so much cute stuff! We can compare how big our bellies are! Won't it be fun!'

 

I would certainly welcome a baby with gifts and love who was born to a woman with an unexpected pregnancy, and I wouldn't want the same stigma of the '60's. But when the 'stigma' has swung so far in the other direction in the mindset of 13-17yos, it certainly is not a healthy situation.

 

'gleeful exuberance'...yes. As if nothing wrong has been done and as if all things are wonderful even though this baby was conceived and born out of wedlock....THAT is how far it has swung.

 

My own mom was abandoned by my bio dad when she got pregnant. She hightailed it to her grown sister's house several states away from her parents until I was born. She was dropped off, alone, at the hospital and gave birth to me alone....There was major disappoval from her parents, but she did eventually go home and of course they loved me..(I'm quite lovable :D). However, then her father tried to have her committed so that he could take me away from her. It was a horrible time for her....do I wish that for other young girls? No. Never.

 

Balance. Humans have a hard time with it.

[beansprouts]

IAs I said early on in this thread....it is a tricky thing to show mercy and kindness to people who have gotten themselves in trouble...without leaning too far and finding ourselves disregarding the very standards we want to uphold.

 

 

Grace without truth is worthless.

[Scarlett]

 

The point I was trying to make was that there's a world of difference between assuming there is birth control being used (irresponsible), and being in a situation where the partner has the specific goal of getting pregnant.

 

Lori

 

The difference is in the character of the girl vs. the character of the boy. I agree. Hers is devious....his is....irresponsible as you said. However, the potential outcome is the same. Baby.

[3lilreds in NC]

When I was in high school, the teen pregnancy rate in our school was something crazy like 20%. I would bet money that my cousin's first wife got pregnant on purpose to escape her mother. Sadly, she brought the craziness with her - they were married when they were 17 and 16 and he's now on his 3rd wife.

 

Another cousin got pregnant in college, definitely on purpose. Partly, she was messed up from her mom's suicide, I think - she was only 5 and had found her mom after she shot herself. Also, I believe she'd had a previous abortion so having that baby was a way to assuage her conscience.

 

In both cases, my family did the best we could to welcome each new life with love. The deeds were done. Well, that's not entirely true. My girl cousin had a rough time of it; not only did she get pregnant but the baby was biracial and my grandparents were quite racist.

 

I look back at the girls in my high school, and I can remember the pain in their eyes. Back then I just thought they were mean. Now, though, I can see more of what was really going on, I htink. We did not live in a particularly high-income area, and I think a lot of them had pretty tough home lives. They were most definitely looking for love. The captain of our cheerleading squad got pregnant and married the dad - how do you think the community reacted to her being on the cheerleading squad still? Very sad.

 

I would like to hide my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't happen anymore, but I know it does. I pray for my children that they will not make choices to get them into this situation. I do my best to teach them what I think is the right way to live life. If they do end up pregnant, I will love them and love their babies.

[torikei]

 

Predjudice against adoption in the general population also shows with stray comments about "I could never put my child up for adoption" ( A direct quote from my mother with an adopted neice, nephew and 2 grandchildren). Or "no way Is MY grandbaby being put up for adoption. I'll help my dd raise him" The dd, the first to be in college, had to drop out because grandmom couldn't help raise the baby a year later.

 

If you want to reduce the # of teen mothers, we need to encourage adoption AND birthcontrol. This won't make a large difference though in the "I want someone to love me" group though. Maybe force them to hear 3 year-olds shouting "I hate you!" ?

 

:iagree:This is my PET PEEVE. I'm amazed at how many people tell me in this really self-righteous tone--"I could never give my child up!" When I was pregnant with my youngest son, I was told that NOW I would find out what it's like to be a real mom. Like the 2 five year olds and 2 four year olds I had at home somehow didn't count. When my kids ask me who their REAL mom is --I say they are lucky enough to have two. One who had the courage and love to give them up so they could be cared for and one who was lucky enough to be trusted with their care and love. I think as a society we could learn a lot from the sacrifice and love shown by many birthmothers.

 

Tori

[Kathy in MD]

For the posters who have expressed dismay that the shame or stigma level of teen pregnancy is now too low as compared to older times, what type of actions would you like to see instituted to convey shame and stigma?

 

No more birth announcements?

No showers?

Sending mother to a home for unwed mothers?

Family being secretive about the birth?

Having the babies adopted out?

Keeping the pregnant teens physically separated from their peers?

 

In the late 1980s, I remember an aunt of mine refusing to buy a shower gift for my unwed cousin's baby because aunt felt the family should be too ashamed to have a shower for a bastard child.

 

So specifically what changes in way things are done would communicate the stigma?

 

For starters, I'd like to see less coverage of unwed, pregnant celebreties. Or celebreties getting married, finally, after having one or more children together. Of course I'd really prefer just less coverage of celebreties personal lives :)

 

But I also think that s*x ed shouldn't stop at the birth of a child. I've read of school excercises where a boy and girl are paired up (parents) and given a raw egg to "raise". They are never allowed to leave it by itself. If the 2 of them want a night out (either together or alone) they have to hire a baby sitter. If he egg is broken, the couple have failed the assignment. If the the teachers could, I think the egg should also wake up to be fed a couple times a night, have smelly diapers and develop colic or some other problem. I think the class should also include two and 3 yo being 2 and 3 -- especially when they're yelling "I hate you". I would hope that a pro-active training class would make teens think twice and if they still become pregnant, they'd be better prepared for reality.

 

Also I do believe that more should be done to encourage adoption. There are lots of mature and stable couples and singles who want to adopt. But there are too many forces in our society actively discouraging adoption.

 

But like many others, I don't believe in actively stigmatizing the child. The child will have enough problems without others purposely giving the child grief.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

What we need to do is encourage adoption for these pregnancies. Unfortunately it's not only teenage girls who encourage each other to keep the babies. When I was taking adoption classes prior to getting ds, we were told of social workers pressuring an unwed, teen mother to keep her child. She had already selected a good, mature couple to adopt the baby. Around that same time there were some birth mothers on the daytime TV talkshows actively discouraging adoption and searching and find the birthparents was being glorified on those same shows. I could see that some birthmothers considering adoption might opt for abortion if they thought in 15-20 years a secure family life might be damaged by a previous child popping up.

 

Predjudice against adoption in the general population also shows with stray comments about "I could never put my child up for adoption" ( A direct quote from my mother with an adopted neice, nephew and 2 grandchildren). Or "no way Is MY grandbaby being put up for adoption. I'll help my dd raise him" The dd, the first to be in college, had to drop out because grandmom couldn't help raise the baby a year later.

 

If you want to reduce the # of teen mothers, we need to encourage adoption AND birthcontrol. This won't make a large difference though in the "I want someone to love me" group though. Maybe force them to hear 3 year-olds shouting "I hate you!" ?

:iagree: Adoption is hard, very hard, for the birthmother, but support for adoption, counseling after, public acceptance would make it easier.

[beansprouts]

But like many others, I don't believe in actively stigmatizing the child. The child will have enough problems without others purposely giving the child grief.

 

It is a lack of compassion that created the problem to begin with.

[Danestress]

of telling other mothers how they should feel about their pregnancies or assuming I know how they ought to feel.

 

I've had so many friends face judgment because they already had a nestful of children. I have friends who have gotten pregnant (on purpose, I think) when their husbands didn't have jobs, I have a number of friends who have gotten pregnant despite seriously challenging marriages. And I've had friends get pregnant when, in the eyes of many, they were "too old." I know privately some of them were just as worried as everyone else was, but they managed moments of swooning over baby clothes and comparing pregnant bellies and "gleeful exuberance", because what else can they do when the baby is coming, regrets or not? I think you have to be very very close to a woman to know how she *really* feels about a pregnancy.

 

I am a big believer in prevention and access to birth control. But once a woman is pregnant, she's pregnant. She needs to rejoice in new life. And since biologically 15 year olds are designed for this, it's no surprise to me that they have positive feelings despite their fears, reservations, and sadness. But it's not a surprise to me that they hide those negative feelings from people they don't really trust to share them with. And it's not a surprise to me that they hide their fears from people they think will pressure them to choose adoptioin when they don't want that.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

And it's not a surprise to me that they hide their fears from people they think will pressure them to choose adoptioin when they don't want that.

A pregnant woman of any age has many choices available to her. She should not be pressured into any one choice, and should not be made to feel shame for whatever choice she makes.

[Scarlett]

of telling other mothers how they should feel about their pregnancies or assuming I know how they ought to feel.

 

I am a big believer in prevention and access to birth control. But once a woman is pregnant, she's pregnant. She needs to rejoice in new life. And since biologically 15 year olds are designed for this, it's no surprise to me that they have positive feelings despite their fears, reservations, and sadness. But it's not a surprise to me that they hide those negative feelings from people they don't really trust to share them with. And it's not a surprise to me that they hide their fears from people they think will pressure them to choose adoptioin when they don't want that.

 

I wasn't telling anyone how she should feel about a pregnancy....it was about how we respond to a teenager or anyone getting pregnant out of wedlock. *I* personally won't jump for joy and do a happy dance for a girl and boy/ woman and man/ who have chosen to have sex while not married and as a consequence have a child out of wedlock. THAT is all I was talking about.

 

It seems to me, while I would never treat a child poorly, that there is nothing wrong with an initial subdued reaction to a situation that came about as a result of sin.

 

Of course one would have to first believe in sin.

[melissel]

of telling other mothers how they should feel about their pregnancies or assuming I know how they ought to feel.

 

I've had so many friends face judgment because they already had a nestful of children. I have friends who have gotten pregnant (on purpose, I think) when their husbands didn't have jobs, I have a number of friends who have gotten pregnant despite seriously challenging marriages. And I've had friends get pregnant when, in the eyes of many, they were "too old." I know privately some of them were just as worried as everyone else was, but they managed moments of swooning over baby clothes and comparing pregnant bellies and "gleeful exuberance", because what else can they do when the baby is coming, regrets or not? I think you have to be very very close to a woman to know how she *really* feels about a pregnancy.

 

I am a big believer in prevention and access to birth control. But once a woman is pregnant, she's pregnant. She needs to rejoice in new life. And since biologically 15 year olds are designed for this, it's no surprise to me that they have positive feelings despite their fears, reservations, and sadness. But it's not a surprise to me that they hide those negative feelings from people they don't really trust to share them with. And it's not a surprise to me that they hide their fears from people they think will pressure them to choose adoptioin when they don't want that.

 

Beautifully said, Dana.

[Renee in NC]

I wasn't telling anyone how she should feel about a pregnancy....it was about how we respond to a teenager or anyone getting pregnant out of wedlock. *I* personally won't jump for joy and do a happy dance for a girl and boy/ woman and man/ who have chosen to have sex while not married and as a consequence have a child out of wedlock. THAT is all I was talking about.

 

It seems to me, while I would never treat a child poorly, that there is nothing wrong with an initial subdued reaction to a situation that came about as a result of sin.

 

Of course one would have to first believe in sin.

 

I firmly believe in sin, but it seems to me that only those who get "caught" by pregnancy (and usually more so the female involved) face the judgement.

 

I was pregnant at 16. My family (including cousins older than I) judged me pretty harshly and tried to pressure me into adoption. Never mind that the youngest daughter of one particularly judgemental aunt was doing the same thing - she just didn't get "caught."

 

In this day and age, the entire youth group could be having group activities, but the girl who has one boyfriend and gets pregnant is the "sinful" one.

[Scarlett]

I firmly believe in sin, but it seems to me that only those who get "caught" by pregnancy (and usually more so the female involved) face the judgement.

 

I was pregnant at 16. My family (including cousins older than I) judged me pretty harshly and tried to pressure me into adoption. Never mind that the youngest daughter of one particularly judgemental aunt was doing the same thing - she just didn't get "caught."

 

In this day and age, the entire youth group could be having group activities, but the girl who has one boyfriend and gets pregnant is the "sinful" one.

 

ITA with what you are saying. Naturally, I can't have a reaction to something I don't know about. Please understand I'm not saying getting pregnant is the sin. I'm certainly not saying that. However, it is the most outward manifestation of what has been going on, right? So if 'we' as a society act as if that situation is totally normal and something to be celebrated no differently than a child conceived IN wedlock...than the standards of God are being undermined.

 

You are right though that most people are more upset by the pregnancy than the sin that brought them there. A friend of ours from hs just expressed this to us when his own teenage daughter got pregnant...all he could say was 'how could they be so stupid as to not use protection.' :glare:

[Danestress]

about this would be very different if the girl were a Christian in my own faith community than they would be if she is a girl who is not professing my faith, and I think this conversation started with girls in general and how schools respond with special classes and play groups. Public schools aren't churches.

 

I do believe in sin.

 

But in my faith community, I also believe in love. I won't pretend that I think premarital sex is okay. I also won't pretend that I think bickering with one's husband is okay, gossiping about others is okay, loving God with anything less than your whole heart and your whole mind is okay.

 

I'm not okay. You aren't okay. None of us is okay. None of our children are conceived apart from sin. Being pregnant in marriage makes us feel better about ourselves, but we still aren't okay. We still have sinful thoughts and motives. We still are selfish. We still have angry thoughts. We still have marriages that just aren't quite right. That's why we need a Jesus.

 

I think it's a slipperly slope when we start making sure other women in church get properly punished for their sin. If a girl in my church is pregnant, I want someone to be talking to her. I think our youth minister and his wife would handle that tactfully but would take that seriously and would be having some seriously conseling with the girl and her family (and the boy too, if he were a congregant). But I don't think it's my job at all to continue the punishment. We have showers for every new mother at our church. I am not singling out one type of mother to give the chold shoulder too because every single one of those mothers has serious sin in her life.

 

A baby is a blessing, and despite the circumstances, despite her regrets and fears, I am happy to see a pregnant Mom receive a baby as a great great blessing with great joy. I don't see how trying to put a damper on the joy helps anyone.

[Scarlett]

about this would be very different if the girl were a Christian in my own faith community than they would be if she is a girl who is not professing my faith, and I think this conversation started with girls in general and how schools respond with special classes and play groups. Public schools aren't churches.

 

I do believe in sin.

 

But in my faith community, I also believe in love. I won't pretend that I think premarital sex is okay. I also won't pretend that I think bickering with one's husband is okay, gossiping about others is okay, loving God with anything less than your whole heart and your whole mind is okay.

 

I'm not okay. You aren't okay. None of us is okay. None of our children are conceived apart from sin. Being pregnant in marriage makes us feel better about ourselves, but we still aren't okay. We still have sinful thoughts and motives. We still are selfish. We still have angry thoughts. We still have marriages that just aren't quite right. That's why we need a Jesus.

 

I think it's a slipperly slope when we start making sure other women in church get properly punished for their sin. If a girl in my church is pregnant, I want someone to be talking to her. I think our youth minister and his wife would handle that tactfully but would take that seriously and would be having some seriously conseling with the girl and her family (and the boy too, if he were a congregant). But I don't think it's my job at all to continue the punishment. We have showers for every new mother at our church. I am not singling out one type of mother to give the chold shoulder too because every single one of those mothers has serious sin in her life.

 

A baby is a blessing, and despite the circumstances, despite her regrets and fears, I am happy to see a pregnant Mom receive a baby as a great great blessing with great joy. I don't see how trying to put a damper on the joy helps anyone.

 

Sigh. I doubt seriously our actions are that far apart in this regard....(except I wouldn't throw a shower for an unwed mother...but I also wouldn't go around actively trying to keep anyone else from doing so or from attending one.) I think I am making myself sound much more cold and self-righteous than I feel or in fact AM. I clearly am not explaining myself well, so I am going to bow out now.

[beansprouts]

I agree with both Scarlett and Danestress. I think you two agree with each other more than you realise. You are each just stressing different sides of the same point. Balance ;)

[tibbyl]

of telling other mothers how they should feel about their pregnancies or assuming I know how they ought to feel.

 

I've had so many friends face judgment because they already had a nestful of children. I have friends who have gotten pregnant (on purpose, I think) when their husbands didn't have jobs, I have a number of friends who have gotten pregnant despite seriously challenging marriages. And I've had friends get pregnant when, in the eyes of many, they were "too old." I know privately some of them were just as worried as everyone else was, but they managed moments of swooning over baby clothes and comparing pregnant bellies and "gleeful exuberance", because what else can they do when the baby is coming, regrets or not? I think you have to be very very close to a woman to know how she *really* feels about a pregnancy.

 

I am a big believer in prevention and access to birth control. But once a woman is pregnant, she's pregnant. She needs to rejoice in new life. And since biologically 15 year olds are designed for this, it's no surprise to me that they have positive feelings despite their fears, reservations, and sadness. But it's not a surprise to me that they hide those negative feelings from people they don't really trust to share them with. And it's not a surprise to me that they hide their fears from people they think will pressure them to choose adoptioin when they don't want that.

 

I was going to comment that an appropriate level of shame may still exist, even if only in minds, not actions. But your post explains so much better what I was trying to say.

 

Someone very close to me in a perilous marriage announced her pregnancy to us. I know that both she and her husband could see the despair in my face although I congratulated them. Within a couple days I was able to connect with and share her enthusiasm. However, frankly I was greatly relieved when she miscarried a few weeks later and relieved again months later when she left the marriage.

Edited December 9, 2008 by tibbyl

[swellmomma]

I also want to mention a point that I have been stewing about because it happened in my family so it hits home. When I got pregnant with my on my mother was furious, she brought up abortion frequently, refused to throw me a shower for him etc. I was not a teen but I was young and not married. My aunt and nana threw one for me where I was given garage sale finds from my disapproving aunt etc. When I got pg with my daughter right after my son was born my mother flipped, told how my children would be damaged for life because they were born out of wedlock(funny really since so was I) this time pushed adoption so much she called my daughter by a different name until she was 3 months old trying to convince me to throw her away. When I got pregnant with my 3rd child my mother again jumped on the abortion bandwagon, but shut up pretty quickly when I called her a murderer. Then I got pregnant again, my mother freaked out, told me to get rid of it, I miscarried 2 days later, she got her wish, another of my children was dead(I have had 6 m/c's). THen my sister mentioned she and her dh were going to start ttc and my mom was over joyed. It killed the remained of any relationship we had been rebuilding at that point. The fact that she could be so against me and therefore my children but be elated for my sister before she was even pg hurt badly. When I got pregnant with my 4th child, my mother changed her tune, he was happy for me, not about the circumstances since I am still single, but no longer trying to push her agenda. This time for the first time after having 4 children(3 of which were prem and faced challenges and 6 m/c) my mother FINALLY accepted one of my children with open arms from the moment of her birth and threw me a sprinkle (smaller version of a shower). Of course when my sister got pregnant, my mom had a huge dinner to celebrate the stick turning pink, had a massive shower for her and has continued to buy them laveish gifts for my nephew. While my mom has finally realized that all children are a gift the hurt from being made to feel like a second class citizen because I chose to have children out of wedlock while watching her swoon over my sister because her baby was born in wedlock has lead to a lot of resentment in my family. My mom and I and my sister and I still talk and are working on the relationships but they are irreversably damaged as a result of my mothers actions when I was pregnant.

 

All of that to say, that while I would not be happy if my dd came home pregnant as a teenager, or unwed, it is not the end of the world and she does not need me casting down harsh judgments refusing to acknowledge the blessing that a child is. A young unwed mother is going to have a tought row to hoe and will need all the support and compassion she can get, not condemnation from those around her.

[lionfamily1999]

I firmly believe in sin, but it seems to me that only those who get "caught" by pregnancy (and usually more so the female involved) face the judgement.

 

I was pregnant at 16. My family (including cousins older than I) judged me pretty harshly and tried to pressure me into adoption. Never mind that the youngest daughter of one particularly judgemental aunt was doing the same thing - she just didn't get "caught."

 

In this day and age, the entire youth group could be having group activities, but the girl who has one boyfriend and gets pregnant is the "sinful" one.

I was in the same(ish) situation. I was fifteen when I became pregnant with my oldest, sixteen when she was born. My dad did not talk to me until Jocelyn was a little over a week old. My mom was "supportive" in an attempt to make the best out of a bad situation. My church kicked me out of youth group, essentially removing me from church completely. I knew three other girls in the same youth group that had had abortions, I didn't out anyone, but I was........ envious? That they could take a route that I could not (I believe abortion is murder), and that the route they chose was so much easier. Now, when I see pregnant teenagers I feel more sympathy and compassion than anything else. I do not understand the girls who do this on purpose, but I know the road ahead of them and am at least grateful that their child was not erased from existence for their own comfort.

[Renee in NC]

I was in the same(ish) situation. I was fifteen when I became pregnant with my oldest, sixteen when she was born. My dad did not talk to me until Jocelyn was a little over a week old. My mom was "supportive" in an attempt to make the best out of a bad situation. My church kicked me out of youth group, essentially removing me from church completely. I knew three other girls in the same youth group that had had abortions, I didn't out anyone, but I was........ envious? That they could take a route that I could not (I believe abortion is murder), and that the route they chose was so much easier. Now, when I see pregnant teenagers I feel more sympathy and compassion than anything else. I do not understand the girls who do this on purpose, but I know the road ahead of them and am at least grateful that their child was not erased from existence for their own comfort.

 

Exactly. I am glad that these girls do not choose abortion. Many do choose abortion so as to avoid the fallout from their churches and schools (when they attend private schools.)