Initiating contact with friends

[klmama]

Being stuck at home has made me realize that I am almost always the one to initiate contact with my friends.  My dc is feeling down about the same thing.  If you used to be in the same boat, but now your friends initiate more, what changed?  Did you develop more friendships with extroverts?  Did you change something about how you dealt with people?  Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[Chris in VA]

With my bestie, I was initiating. I finally just came out and told her how I felt. 

Sometimes communicating is better than hoping things will change. 

[klmama]

Yes, I suppose you're right.  People do get into a habit and may not even think about it.  I remember years ago being very surprised when a friend was annoyed I hadn't contacted her in several months, yet it hadn't occurred to her to call me instead.   Thanks for the insight.

[importswim]

This always happens to me and it's frustrating. I've talked to my friends about it before and they all maybe initiate once and then it goes back to me having to initiate. It makes it harder that my DH works out of town and is gone a lot so I feel the lack of check in from my friends more. Often I just have to push my frustration aside and initiate so that I'm not without contact with people other than my kiddos.

I guess I have no advice for you except just keep on initiating and try to assume the best of people (even though that's incredibly hard to do). I know that every time I ask people will be glad to talk/hang out (well, before social distancing! LOL!) but I just wanted someone to think of and contact me for once. So far that hasn't been happening no matter how much I communicate that need to people. During this time especially it's made me quite bitter and I'm usually able to get past it much easier. Hugs to you.

[Moonhawk]

Sad story:

I've gradually stopped contacting friends where it's just me. Not because I don't care anymore, but I'm wondering if they are just being polite? And since they haven't reached out, I just contact them on their birthday and leave it open with a "I know you're probably busy today, call me sometime after the festivities to catch up!" They haven't called...or texted...3 years in a row....

Happy story!:

I found my first friend that initiates instead of me!! I admit to being a bit, um, weird, so I made a spreadsheet for the first 4 months of interactions (don't tell them....) to track who contacted who. We were just about even, they did a bit more than me! Since then I've been much more comfortable contacting them whenever I think of it, just because I don't feel like I'm overstepping, forcing myself on them, or being the only person to keep the friendship up. And we are still pretty much even on our initiations. I'm a bit shocked, but happy to have this novel experience. 

"What I did different":

In the past friendships were more based on work, age groups from school, or seeing each other at our kids' activities. Once we are removed from the situations we met, there doesn't seem to be as much we can share I guess.

This friendship was started with an obvious and easy topic we can fall back on, that we are both active in, so there is always something new to share.We at first kept our discussions to that topic but have gradually branched out on subjects. They are the only person who has shown interest in my garden, and I know absolutely nothing about industrial design but find it fascinating.

Edited April 4, 2020 by Moonhawk

[Jean in Newcastle]

I stopped initiating for a while.  Those who missed me and initiated any contact are still my friends.  Those who did not, are not.  I still probably initiate more but it's more of an equal relationship now. 

[Familia]

In my twenties, I first became aware of being the initiator in almost all of my relationships - including our marriage.  When I first became aware of this, it was quite painfuL. Maybe annoying is a better word than painful, but I took it as a sign that people didn’t want to do things with me.  Looking back, I let some friendships go by the wayside that I should’ve have kept going.  In our marriage, I have expended a lot of energy and emotion trying to change the dynamic, making both of us unhappy at times, and wasting a lot of good opportunities.  Fortunately, we are well matched and seek peaceful living, so not much damage done by my harping on personality traits that I could not change - in either of us.  And, DH has learned to rise to the occasion to come up with something for us to do (even a simple thing) when I communicate that I want him to be in the ‘fun’ drivers seat.  I have just had to learn to appreciate what he throws out there=)

Decades later, I have learned so much about myself and others.  Basically, I see that in almost all of my relationships, I am the person to ask, “Do you want to __________?”  And everyone else is in the enviable position of being able to say yes or no.  

I see and hear that people appreciate the spontaneous things I like to do, the fun places I dream up to visit, the games I want to play.  Since I am apparently attracted to (and produce) introverts, this is the price of doing business, so to speak.  

One thing that I observed through the years, especially while being super busy with family, was that friends, especially in groups, valued any time spent together more than I did, and they appeared to be satisfied with less social time.  Meaning, I was always yearning for more one on one, never satisfied with group events or short meetups as much as the introverts in my life were.  I made an effort to try to do that - really appreciate every social interaction more.  It made me much more content and be okay with my initiator role when I had to have more.

Now, with the children raised, I do have two friends who are initiators.  It is fun, I must say, but we are not too close, and I appreciate that - because I have learned to appreciate this quiet time in my life.  Well, although all of this is my personal experience, I do hope it is at least a little helpful.  

[klmama]

Thanks, everyone.  I appreciate you sharing your thoughts.