Holiday musings

[Soror]

My dad's parents died early so we never did anything with them, we did meals at my maternal Grandma's until she got too sick and then my mom took over. We mostly get along fine and I enjoy visiting but I wish she wasn't so controlling. Certain foods have to be cooked for the big meals and she has to cook them. Last year she asked me to make deviled eggs but when I got there she had made her own anyway, that's a jerk move. I make them how she makes them, recipe from her. If you have to control everything it is not about celebrating with everyone else. I do wish she would let go of us visiting on Christmas day too, we get together prior to Christmas with the immediate family, that is enough.

Now dh's family used to have 4 different Christmas celebrations that all lasted hours, now that grandparents are gone there are only 2 and we quit 1 of those years ago. 1 celebration seems like enough to me. The big thing for me is grandparents giving space for their kids and grandkids to have time for their own celebrations and traditions, we have to make way for our own families and so many years of grandparents monopolizing time and attention and controlling everything makes that hard to do.

[HS Mom in NC]

I had divorced parents, grandparents, 3 step-siblings and a biological sibling, their spouses and other extended family within an hour of my house to work around for the first 45 years of my life.   Holidays had to be flexible growing up. I was usually the one doing the coordinating as an adult, which is perfectly fine with me.  It's more work, but more influence. I get it and apply it to my married daughters. I always tell them, "We'd love to see you for the holidays.  Let us know when works for you and we'll work around it. If that's not possible, we'll figure out a time after the holidays. "  And I always did. 

My sons-in-law are from families where people are inflexible and entitled in spite of being from divorced family situations.  I've been playing the long game and it's paying off big time.

When we moved across the country we invited the couples to relocate near us.  We would help with the move if that's what they wanted to do.  Middle daughter and middle SIL took us up on it straight away.  Older daughter and SIL opted to move a state away for a job offer. We helped them with that and have worked around their schedules for holidays. Now that they've decided they don't like the climate there and the business daughter was working for isn't doing well, they have plans to move next summer....near us, not his family.

Neither of them have a whole lot of contact with their families because difficult people are difficult people and people who understand that they have agency and choices tend to choose to avoid difficult people. Life is full of natural consequences. 

Oh, and BONUS! Now adult daughters are doing some of the hosting. They start with, "We'd like host Thanksgiving in our new house this year. Let us know when works for you..." I have less responsibility and still some influence.

[fairfarmhand]

So to recap and simplify:

1. Be flexible on day and time. It's fine to plan holiday get togethers when it's not ACTUALLY the day of the holiday.

2. Be understanding that married adults have in-laws who also may have plans.

    It's also okay if the little families like to have their own traditions that may or may not include you.

3. Do not make passive aggressive statements or behave in passive aggressive ways. If something hurts your feelings, handle it in an adult manner.

4. Don't take scheduling difficulties or other holiday challenges personally. 

5. Be accepting of all members of the family, including in-laws and significant others. Be welcoming, even if the person has different personal tastes, political views or likes the "wrong" :) football team. 

6. Remember that the same things don't have to happen each year for it to be a "good" holiday. Fun holidays can happen in a variety of ways and still be great.

7. Don't get hung up on food. Let others express themselves in this way as well. It's not personal if someone wants to make something or doesn't like certain things.

8. Don't be controlling about stuff. If others want to take a turn planning or hosting, allow them to do so without drama.

9. Remember that a good holiday is more about family togetherness than it is traditions, gifts, or food.

10. Be positive, cheerful and upbeat. Save the negativity and criticism for another time, or better yet...just don't at all

 

 

More thoughts:

Realize that some years everyone may not be able to be there. Don't turn the world inside out and upside down trying to accommodate the schedules of 15 people. Pick a day and just accept that some people may not be able to come then.

Choose the day/time at least 6 weeks prior to the holiday so people can schedule things with their own families, in-laws, etc.

Edited November 22, 2019 by fairfarmhand

[Bluegoat]

On 11/20/2019 at 5:04 PM, hjffkj said:

I disagree with this. I think it is completely reasonable to never travel for the holidays even if that is what your extended family wants. My sister lives 1000 miles away from the rest of the family. She came to Christmas once after having kids and it was just not enjoyable for her in many ways. Her family decided after that to never travel at the holidays again and that is perfectly acceptable.

She still comes for 2 or 3 weeks every summer and brings Christmas gifts then. It has been a wonderful tradition and would likely never happen had anyone put expectations on a her family to visit every few years.

 

I think I agree with you, and with the post you are disagreeing with!

1000 miles is really, really far.  Sometimes I think with modern travel we've forgotten how far, so we expect people to drive or hop on a plane for holidays, Christmas, weddings, funerals.  

But when people live so far away, I think it's reasonable, maybe to be expected, that visits are not going to happen often.  It makes me think of Christmas film I always watch, it's a documentary that just shows different scenes in the days leading up to Christmas in 1950s Montreal.  There is one scene where a man makes his Christmas call to his mother, in Scotland.  From the conversation you can tell that he has never visited home since he left years ago, that his mother still sets a place for him, that phone calls are rare and the connection poor, that his mother is crying. It's very moving but it's what it used to mean to live so far away.  Even when I grew up in the 70s and early 80s, I remember making a long distance call being a huge deal, expensive and fuzzy sounding.

Now, things are so changed with communications and travel, which is nice in many ways but it also creates expectations that can be hard on people.

At the same time, when you live in a situation like I do, I am not 1000 miles from my family.  I have a lot of family in the same city and more in my province, and sometimes I do feel like I have a lot of potential obligations.  My family is thankfully gracious, but I also feel like I need to make an effort to see people at the holidays if that is something they value.  

[DoraBora]

1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I had divorced parents, grandparents, 3 step-siblings and a biological sibling, their spouses and other extended family within an hour of my house to work around for the first 45 years of my life.   Holidays had to be flexible growing up. I was usually the one doing the coordinating as an adult, which is perfectly fine with me.  It's more work, but more influence. I get it and apply it to my married daughters. I always tell them, "We'd love to see you for the holidays.  Let us know when works for you and we'll work around it. If that's not possible, we'll figure out a time after the holidays. "  And I always did. 

My sons-in-law are from families where people are inflexible and entitled in spite of being from divorced family situations.  I've been playing the long game and it's paying off big time.

When we moved across the country we invited the couples to relocate near us.  We would help with the move if that's what they wanted to do.  Middle daughter and middle SIL took us up on it straight away.  Older daughter and SIL opted to move a state away for a job offer. We helped them with that and have worked around their schedules for holidays. Now that they've decided they don't like the climate there and the business daughter was working for isn't doing well, they have plans to move next summer....near us, not his family.

Neither of them have a whole lot of contact with their families because difficult people are difficult people and people who understand that they have agency and choices tend to choose to avoid difficult people. Life is full of natural consequences. 

Oh, and BONUS! Now adult daughters are doing some of the hosting. They start with, "We'd like host Thanksgiving in our new house this year. Let us know when works for you..." I have less responsibility and still some influence.

Your story is just awesome!  Thank you for sharing!  😊

[Bluegoat]

I do think some people are just more inflexible by nature, and it really comes out at the holidays.  They are people who tend to like things done a certain way every time.  

And with traditional types of celebrations, for many people the sameness of them is a big part of the attraction, it makes them feel rooted.  

It's also much more difficult as people get older if they don't have some sort of community to turn to in the holidays, or something that seems worthwhile.  

[katilac]

25 minutes ago, Bluegoat said:

1000 miles is really, really far.  Sometimes I think with modern travel we've forgotten how far, so we expect people to drive or hop on a plane for holidays, Christmas, weddings, funerals.  

People also sometimes forget that the holidays are exactly when airfare goes up in price! And it's when everything is more crowded, travel is more of a headache, your flight is more likely to get bumped or canceled . . . 

We used to meet up with one side of the family in an area where "everyone" had to travel. That meant two families had to drive for a few hours, so $100 to $200 in gas. But one person had to fly, so $300 to $400, and our family of four took the train so over $1,000 plus extra days of travel. It wasn't equal to be sure!  

Not everyone makes the same amount of money. Hopping on a plane or train is routine for some people and financially painful for others. We didn't actually go at the holidays most of the time, so this was the price we paid for being home at Christmas. I got the #1 thing I wanted, which was not travelling at the holidays, but holy mackerel, we spent a lot of money visiting fam, lol. The people with the most money spent the least travelling, but I'm not bitter about that or anything 😄

[matrips]

I’ve enjoyed reading this post and hope I remember the lessons I have gained from it.  

We have our traditions, but have been flexible as well, especially with aging parents. Holiday meals the past several years have been at rehabs/retirement/assisted living homes.  Now the parents have passed.  TG will be at home and Christmas dinner with a friend and her big Greek family.  Church times vary depending on when the kids volunteer.  

Thank you to all who shared their stories!

[Shoeless]

On 11/22/2019 at 11:33 AM, Bluegoat said:

1000 miles is really, really far.  Sometimes I think with modern travel we've forgotten how far, so we expect people to drive or hop on a plane for holidays, Christmas, weddings, funerals.  

 

Bless you for saying this. I get so much guilt from extended family because I am over 1000 miles away.  It's nice to have a reality check that no, I'm not being mean because I can't go to every wedding and bridal shower.   

[HS Mom in NC]

On 11/22/2019 at 12:33 PM, Bluegoat said:

1000 miles is really, really far.  Sometimes I think with modern travel we've forgotten how far, so we expect people to drive or hop on a plane for holidays, Christmas, weddings, funerals. 

In my experience, it's the people who don't travel much who are the unrealistic ones about other people traveling to see them.  My parents and step-parent don't travel.  When my mother said, "You're not going to be here Christmas Day?" the first time we traveled to visit them after we moved I had to explain, "Well, if we do that the plane tickets will cost us $3,000. If we come in early December or early January tickets will cost $1500. "  I think she was genuinely unaware that ticket prices and lodging prices were that high at all and change due to increased demand.

And just because I'll be seated most of the time doesn't mean it's not exhausting.

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

In my experience, it's the people who don't travel much who are the unrealistic ones about other people traveling to see them.  My parents and step-parent don't travel.  When my mother said, "You're not going to be here Christmas Day?" the first time we traveled to visit them after we moved I had to explain, "Well, if we do that the plane tickets will cost us $3,000. If we come in early December or early January tickets will cost $1500. "  I think she was genuinely unaware that ticket prices and lodging prices were that high at all and change due to increased demand.

And just because I'll be seated most of the time doesn't mean it's not exhausting.

This is absolutely true.