Helping new homeschool family gain confidence

[Familia]

A friend (ESL friend I had asked about earlier)  is going to take her children out of school to homeschool next year.  They are girls going into the 2nd and 5th grades.  Mom lacks confidence.  Well, I can relate to that.  What I cannot relate to, and is concerning to me, is her expectations.  She expects perfection (a common homeschool newbie mistake that goes away fast or leads to quitting), and she compares her children relentlessly, placing a huge burden on the younger child.  The child has seemingly struggled with math and reading review at home, but what I really see as the problem is that the younger child is given work for review at home that is 'what her sister was doing at the same age', not work at her own level.  Her own level, IMO, is age-appropriate, and she is a smart child.   So, she is punished (verbally reprimanded) for not doing, say, a multi digit subtraction math sheet in a reasonable time and doing poorly on it.  When I asked my friend if the child knew her subtraction facts cold, she expressed that she didn't think so.  I gently suggested that she have the child work at her own level, and she would progress steadily and, likely, speedily from there.  My friend was really skeptical, being attached to the idea that her sister had been doing better at that age.

I just can't relate to that thinking.  As a matter of fact, it makes me rather frustrated.  I believe most children are rather bright and can be brought along from wherever that are to really amazing places, when there are not underlying health problems or learning issues.  My frustration makes it difficult for me to know what to say to lead her along from where she is.  (haha, I can do this with children, but I have no patience with adults🤣)

She has asked me to collect materials for her to begin, but, to me, the most important gift I could give her is to help her perspective on expectations be reasonable so that they all enjoy that time more.  Her stated reason for homeschooling - family togetherness and the potential of a more enriching lifestyle for the girls - is about the same as our own family's reasons back in the day.  So...

What can I say to encourage her to have healthy expectations so they can enjoy the experience?

Thank you!

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, Familia said:

She expects perfection (a common homeschool newbie mistake that goes away fast or leads to quitting), and she compares her children relentlessly, placing a huge burden on the younger child.  

My friend was really skeptical, being attached to the idea that her sister had been doing better at that age.

 Her stated reason for homeschooling - family togetherness and the potential of a more enriching lifestyle for the girls - is about the same as our own family's reasons back in the day.  So...

 

My dad was that way and he was an elementary school teacher and strongly for after-schooling. I am the firstborn so my dad compares with my age peers and cousins who are slightly older. I am a pragmatic perfectionist and that hasn’t been a homeschooling hindrance. Expectations and comparisons is your friend’s main issue. Unfortunately it’s a heart issue and it took me rebelling (left home as a young kid, I had maternal and paternal aunts staying in the neighborhood so it was actually safe) for my dad to “wake up”.

I am guessing her enriching lifestyle is more academic rigor rather than a broader education. I have neighbors who define enriching as college prep when their kids were in elementary public school and they were visiting private K-8th/12th schools.

[Familia]

1 hour ago, Arcadia said:

 

I am guessing her enriching lifestyle is more academic rigor rather than a broader education. I have neighbors who define enriching as college prep when their kids were in elementary public school and they were visiting private K-8th/12th schools.

I am sorry that you had that experience, although it does sound like it has worked out.

No, she is not really for academic rigor, she is just a rather timid person.  I think, if she were to 'come to know' that children each have different ways of expressing their intellect and different speeds of learning she would be fine with it.  I know that when my confidence was lower at times (new things...so everything with first born=), I am more likely to not think clearly and blame others, when it is really only my own lack of knowledge to blame, and that, being temporary, is really okay.  I would like to tip her off to that very real potential and help her nip it in the bud...seeing this first year especially as a time to let go of expectations and enjoy their time together, rather than judge everything harshly and  be scared that her kids aren't learning much.

[Arcadia]

1 minute ago, Familia said:

No, she is not really for academic rigor, she is just a rather timid person.  I think, if she were to 'come to know' that children each have different ways of expressing their intellect and different speeds of learning she would be fine with it.  

 

What helped my husband for that was having our kids tested by a psychologist. My DS13 is a slow worker which got my husband very worried since he was the one who opt for homeschooling. My husband was like school won’t work for DS13 and homeschooling isn’t going to be smooth sailing either. DS13 was also evaluated earlier for ADHD and autism by another psychologist as we had many teacher complaints and we didn’t want to miss out on any way we could help him. 

However my in-laws and my dad would be feeling insecure until my kids graduated from college. There is nothing my husband and I can do about their insecurity. My in-laws are pushing every time they talk to my husband and I am just thankful we are an ocean away. My mom has always had a high self esteem. 

What might help your friend is to join a local homeschool support group like weekly park days.  Get to know other homeschool moms and their kids. Get to see the wide variance in learning in real life. Build up her confidence.

[8filltheheart]

Honestly, I think you are entering touchy territory.  I think you can talk in very broad general terms, but I would avoid discussing anything specific.  For example, you could discuss how you spend your summers determining your goals for each child of your kids for the next school yr based on their individual current abilities and realistic expectations based on their previous yr's progress.  You could talk about how some homeschoolers don't use grade-leveled curriculum or even pay attention to ps classroom standards, etc.  But, I would never mention her homeschool.

FWIW,  it takes all of us a while to find our feet.  But nothing can be more off-putting than someone telling you that your parenting or schooling or whatever approach isn't the right one.  Far better to simply talk about you are doing or ask if she has read ________ or is familiar with _________ educational philosophy bc you have been reading about it.  (Maybe some CM or John Gatto??)

I know that I have a sibling who homeschools and we are radically different parents and teachers.  Nothing she said could ever sway me to consider her POV toward those 2 subjects.  🙂  I don't ever go there with her b/c it is a train wreck waiting to happen.  Similarly, I have friends who have tried to talk to me about using Seton, CC, co-ops, etc.  My response is to listen politely but tune out.  I have no interest in going that direction.  Ever.  Then I simply interject that I am happy with our approach.  Let them have the opportunity to share but accept that I am not going to take that approach. 

Just be wary.  Better to be there as her friend living by example of a different lifestyle than to turn her away.

[Ellie]

On 5/1/2019 at 9:44 AM, Familia said:

A friend (ESL friend I had asked about earlier)  is going to take her children out of school to homeschool next year.  They are girls going into the 2nd and 5th grades.  Mom lacks confidence.  Well, I can relate to that.  What I cannot relate to, and is concerning to me, is her expectations.  She expects perfection (a common homeschool newbie mistake that goes away fast or leads to quitting), and she compares her children relentlessly, placing a huge burden on the younger child.  The child has seemingly struggled with math and reading review at home, but what I really see as the problem is that the younger child is given work for review at home that is 'what her sister was doing at the same age', not work at her own level.  Her own level, IMO, is age-appropriate, and she is a smart child.   So, she is punished (verbally reprimanded) for not doing, say, a multi digit subtraction math sheet in a reasonable time and doing poorly on it.  When I asked my friend if the child knew her subtraction facts cold, she expressed that she didn't think so.  I gently suggested that she have the child work at her own level, and she would progress steadily and, likely, speedily from there.  My friend was really skeptical, being attached to the idea that her sister had been doing better at that age.

I just can't relate to that thinking.  As a matter of fact, it makes me rather frustrated.  I believe most children are rather bright and can be brought along from wherever that are to really amazing places, when there are not underlying health problems or learning issues.  My frustration makes it difficult for me to know what to say to lead her along from where she is.  (haha, I can do this with children, but I have no patience with adults🤣)

She has asked me to collect materials for her to begin, but, to me, the most important gift I could give her is to help her perspective on expectations be reasonable so that they all enjoy that time more.  Her stated reason for homeschooling - family togetherness and the potential of a more enriching lifestyle for the girls - is about the same as our own family's reasons back in the day.  So...

What can I say to encourage her to have healthy expectations so they can enjoy the experience?

Thank you!

I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to "collect materials for her to begin." I think you could help her choose, but I think it needs to be her choice.  Possibly while you're helping her choose you could discuss expectations and whatnot.

[NormaElle]

Did her kids roll over and crawl and walk and talk at exactly the same ages as each other? Most reasonable parents can see that developmental milestones are individual but also mostly irrelevant in the long run - healthy kids all walk and talk eventually and no one cares if it was at 10, 12, or 18 months.

I assume her kids also have different interests and personalities. You can point that out as well. 

Maybe also remind her of how adults are all learning and experiencing different things at different times and paces.

I also wouldn't actually gather materials for her. I think it's part of the process of learning how to homeschool your own kids. There's obviously not one math or science curriculum that is best .... it's about finding what works for your individual people. 

[Familia]

Thank you for the advice regarding not choosing curricula for her.  And, your suggestions for proper perspective @NormaElle discussion is great.  I have never had the experience of having children in school, but I can see how that would lead a parent to having comparison issues.  Mixed with low self esteem on the part of the mother, it could be exacerbated.  I need to stop back and not try to rush in and save her.

[kbutton]

I do think it could be valuable for her to see the materials you (and maybe others) use even if you don't gather curriculum for her. I was part of a mom's support group for homeschoolers that had a yearly show and tell--people brought their favorite resources (usually just a few due to the size of the group), they explained what they liked about it or how it suited their needs, and then it got passed around for people to browse. 

If you have the ability to host or suggest something like that, it's a very non-threatening way to be exposed to different resources, styles, and philosophies.