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maikon

How to increase my patience levels?

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I need help in becoming a more patient teacher and a more patient parent. My 9 year old boy pushes my buttons so often that I say something that I regret later. It is an everyday story and my patience level runs thin. He talks nonstop, morning till evening without any break. This tires me a lot. He doesn’t have impulse control and any attempt to teach is vain. Even when I am explaining to him how it annoys me, he continues talking in parallel without paying any attention. This usually ends up in me shouting at him which I regret later. I want to avoid these constant battles. 

Any ideas or resources that will help me to stay patient through these difficult parenting/teaching hours?

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The serenity prayer? 😄


My own tricks have been these, but you may have to just keep doing trial and error to find what works for you:


-spend time alone.  When I take time to meet my own needs, I can come back to everyone else's and do better.  This also includes taking a vitamin, exercising, and anything else I need to function.


-give myself grace.  I try to parent the way I want for a short amount of time, like 15 minutes.  It's a skill that has to be worked on so in the beginning I tired of it quickly.  I'd screw up, and restart my internal timer to try again.  In 15 minutes I'd give myself a pat on the back and kudos, then take a 5 minute mental break and restart my time.
 

-look at HOW I'm teaching.  I mean, really scrutinizing.  Am I creating expectations without scaffolding?  Am I approaching this the wrong way?  What are other ways to teach my kid how to silence his thoughts for 3-4 minutes?  Am I fully engaging with him at certain times and setting limits on others?  What am I doing?  What are other people doing with this problem?  The more tools I collect, the more I have.

-take pictures and write.  There are times when I'm in the thick of it and it feels like my kid will never do what he needs to.  Taking note of the good times helps me remember that right now is not every day, and there is growth, no matter how slow.

 

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Day drinking? 

It's perfectly fine to tell him that your ears are tired and you can't listen anymore. He may still talk non-stop, but he can do it outside or in another room. Don't argue, don't explain, just tell him it's time for both of you to have some alone time. 

My patience was helped by a very firm belief in sunshine and active play being good for children. GO OUTSIDE! For your health, darling. 

Institute quiet time for an hour or two each day: amuse yourself in your room, by yourself, quietly. I never made my kids be particularly quiet, I was just happy to not listen to the perils of Polly Pocket for an hour (and they were happy to 'get away with' not being all that quiet). They usually got along so I did let them go in the same room, but they knew they couldn't call me in to referee. After all, they were supposed to be playing alone, lol. Kids who argue a lot, I would just send to separate rooms. 

If it's during schooltime, give a consequence. I teach a small group of just that age several times a week (at a school). They love to speak out of turn, or politely raise their hands and then say that the math problem has chickens in it, and their grandma has chickens also! And, and, and! I know this is not a genuine desire to talk to me because they have zero interest in me at recess, lol, and we have to get through the material regardless. So, every time they do this, I 'fine' them 30 seconds of their correction time. Correction time is precious to them, it's a very limited amount of class time that they can use to do homework corrections, with the rest being done at recess (not my decision, but they do have a long recess).  Corrections are right after group, so it's more immediate than the threat of a time-out during recess.  It's been the most effective thing so far, and it doesn't interrupt the flow of lessons - I just say, "30 seconds, John" and keep going. This could work well if has so many minutes for screen time or such. If he doesn't have a timed privilege to use, create one, lol. Tell him he can stay up 10 minutes past bedtime, but he loses 30 seconds every time he talks out of turn. Whatever incentivizes him. Some will say it's not a logical consequence, but I disagree: it's exchanging time for time in a way that is meaningful to the child. "Schoolwork is going to take longer if you interrupt" may be more logical but it's too vague and distant for most kids; they don't have the control to reign themselves in during the morning so they can save an ambiguous amount of time in the afternoon. Spell it out, keep it short, make it meaningful.

Most of all, don't feel bad about sending the chatterbox away, lol. I think most kids go through the talk-y stage; I used to say mine opened their mouths in the morning before they opened their eyes. 

The one thing that does give me pause is your description of him as not paying attention when you try to talk to him, and of him having no impulse control. Talking too much is a common kid problem, but these would have me on the lookout for ADD.

Edited by katilac
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I thought of something else, too.  When my kid was 11 I put him in scouts.  It was as good for him as it was for me- he got quiet, firm authority figures in his life who were willing to let him screw up and still be that firm rock of guidance for him, and I got to watch the growth of 11 to 18 year old boys all in one room.  It was amazing to see how annoying all the 11 and 12yos were, and that by 13 so many of them were more settled, by 15 they were respectful...in other words, it helped me see what was MY kid and what were traits of each age. 

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Yes, the talking! The talking! I know, sister. I am convinced my son either has ADD or is on the spectrum. It's exhausteing.

  1. Workout. Mine likes martial art videos, long walks, yoga and trips to the playground. We probably work out MWF and then I make it a point to completely wear him out on Saturdays. Running, swimming, cleaning. He gets lots of chores.
  2. Mental stimulation during non school times. Assigned reading, Duolingo and dragonbox, piano, we got him a snake, high quality art supplies. He is actively thinking at these times and should not be talking much. I will discuss important matters with him but often repeat "please don't narrate." I know a lot of you will want to jump on my back about that but you have to understand that my son will talk from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to bed. I am not exaggerating. He needs help in not being the kind of kid no one will be friends with.
  3. Assign some school when you are not there if possible. Be out of earshot.
  4. Breaks in verbal routine. There are times when we don't talk. Silence is a life skill. Practice it.

Here is our routine:

8:00 Independent study (silent, mom in bedroom, boy in dinning room)
9:00 Breakfast and morning time
10:00 Chores (silent, I use chore cards and play instrumental music)
10:15 Seatwork
11:00 Active time (MMA, walk, playground)
12:00 Showers, screens, free play, any remaining school
2:00 Lunch
2:30 Quiet Time (silent with classical music, books, art supplies, puzzles)

 

After quiet time he needs to talk for at least 30 minutes strait. It's hard on him. 

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Consider it is pyschomotor overexcitability.  The dc are self-stimulating and enjoy movement.  Trampoline while thinking, run/swim/krav maga/whatever for fitness, listen to music/book/podcast while running, Stand while doing indpendent schoolwork....at markerboard or counter if they need to write/keyboard. Oral responses...use the West Point approach of recitation/boardwork/hands on.  Begin the day with movement, have movement on breaks, have movement during the day.  Study an instrument like trombone or strings or piano where there is lots of movement, or maybe voice/drama/videography/photography/dance/sculpture/painting....

I found with my cub scouts that I had to begin every den meeting with movement...relay races where they'd grab something, come back and do something with what they grabbed and continue were very very helpful as we were indoors.  Then they could chat for few minutes with each other and be ready for the program.

My dc that has this OE is of course....a mountain biker as a grown up.  Lots of movement and easy to do before/after work.  Lots of people who also like to chat.  He ran cross country of course as they could chat the entire time, but wishes that he had had ski or mountain biking available as a varsity sport. Couldn't swim, not enough talk time between sets. Also liked orienteering, but no youth club here. Skateboard.

I used the movement first thing in the day principle.  About 45 minutes of intense physical exertion.

Edited by HeighHo
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1 hour ago, HeighHo said:

I used the movement first thing in the day principle.  About 45 minutes of intense physical exertion.

Can you define this? Like after breakfast before school?

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Here's a lesson I have (too slowly) learned: I don't need to have patience. But I am absolutely duty bound to have self-control. 

Here you have a problem in which you want your child to control his mouth and your response is to..... lose control of your mouth. 

Don't. Do whatever you have to do to not. You'll make mistakes, and you'll apologize and your son will forgive you because he's beautiful. You'll talk to him about how his nonstop talking has to stop. Work on "filling up his cup" with attention (to his interests, not yours and not school) outside of work time. Eventually read "Smart but Scattered" and come to understand the full import of what it means to have ADD, impulsive type. 

----

Work together with your son on understanding WHY sometimes you need to tell him not to talk for Xminutes, and find ways for him to be OK during those times. And then tell him that, politely. whenever it's necessary. 

But *don't* let yourself off the hook for not controlling your own mouth. It's unacceptable that we treat loved ones worse than we would treat acquaintances. Again, when it happens, apologize, make amends, and reflect on the conditions that came together such that you really felt, in that moment, like you couldn't control your mouth. And then work on improving those conditions, or avoiding them altogether. 

You can DO this, I promise! 

There used to be a blog...I want to say Orange Rhino? something like that. It may not even be extant anymore. But in any case, I'm sure you can just search of "no yelling challenge" and find it or something v similar. ETA- Here it is!

https://theorangerhino.com/

Edited by OKBud
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1 hour ago, Slache said:

Can you define this? Like after breakfast before school?

 

Or before breakfast, whatever his body needs.

 

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Whew it is hard learning parenting!  I am on year 19 and I just blew it with my little one the other day.

Some things I have learned along the way:

If it is school related I ask myself what I can do better and break down in smaller parts.  Once I've done that then I implement and only after that do I look to see what they need to work on as well.

With household chores I ask for help for the same jobs and the same time dailly and we do it together UNLESS I'm in a bad mood, or grouchy for whatever reason, then I just do it myself so that I don't take it out on the kids and damage relationships.  It also gives me alone time.  

I try to make them exercise every day.  When my son was around 9 he had a pogo stick and he jumped on that thing like crazy!  He also had a scooter and we had a trampoline and swing.  He just had so much energy.  It's amazing now that he's an older teen and the amount of quiet and couch sitting that goes on! LOL I just wish he would talk to me more!

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Fantastic suggestions from all of you and a plenty of techniques in my toolbox now. I'm going to have him diagnosed next month for ADHD/ADD. Hopefully, the diagnosis provides some more insights.  

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3 hours ago, maikon said:

Fantastic suggestions from all of you and a plenty of techniques in my toolbox now. I'm going to have him diagnosed next month for ADHD/ADD. Hopefully, the diagnosis provides some more insights.  

 

You should consider gifted with motor OE. ADHD/ADD is the common misdiagnosis.

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4 hours ago, HeighHo said:

 

You should consider gifted with motor OE. ADHD/ADD is the common misdiagnosis.

This is a new term for me.. motor OE.. does it mean Oral Expression. What specific term/diagnosis should I request the psychologist to perform - complete neuropsychological assessment? 

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9 hours ago, HeighHo said:

 

You should consider gifted with motor OE. ADHD/ADD is the common misdiagnosis.

Or he could be 2E and be gifted AND have ADHD. And there's nothing wrong with that either. Or he could just have ADHD. Also fine.

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5 hours ago, maikon said:

This is a new term for me.. motor OE.. does it mean Oral Expression. What specific term/diagnosis should I request the psychologist to perform - complete neuropsychological assessment? 

OE means overexcitability.  Psychomotor Overexcitability means gotta move.  When I was a kid the informal label in the classroom was 'motormouth'...later it was 'hyper'.  

There are a few other kinds of OE.   

 

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