Freshman roommate issues

[teachermom2834]

Ds is a freshman and  over 500 miles away.  He is adjusting well as far as I can tell and is making friends, doing fine in class, and has a job. He is having a roommate issue and any thoughts are appreciated.

Roomie is from only an hour away from school and has a car (so he can go home sometimes and theoretically should know some kids on campus). He has little in common with my ds (ds loves sports, roomie thinks they are stupid) but they can get along, smalltalk, etc. fine. No actual living condition conflicts. However, roomie seems to rely on my ds socially and feel like my ds is obligated to hang out with him, invite him everywhere, etc. I've always told my kids that roommates don't need to be best friends. Just friendly and respectful and it can be easier to have separate social lives. So, ds didn't have the bff expectation for a roommate. The two connected over social media and agreed to room together. For my ds he wanted assurances of no partying in the room, alcohol, or drugs, and an expectation that roommate would be a student who was also focused on attending class, studying. 

Roomie is really putting pressure on my ds and making him feel guilty for having a separate social life. Roommate does not have any interest in joining anything, going out of the room, yet when ds returns to the room at night, roommate makes him feel guilty for leaving him there. Roommate complains about being unhappy, lonely, and depressed. Ds will be out with friends and get texts from roommate along the lines of "where are you? I'm sitting here all by myself". Ds works for football operations. The first Saturday, ds returned home after being gone 12 hours for the game to roommate complaining he was gone all day and that roommate was bored and sad. The second day there, ds was at a welcome pep rally and got a text from a girl on his floor telling him that roommate was having a panic attack. Ds didn't know what to do about that. 

They have been there about a month and the situation has not improved but the roommate is in some kind of counseling at the school. Last night ds mentioned a room switch for the first time, though he did worry that would "mess roommate up" if he left him. 

I am generally of the "suck it up buttercup" attitude when it comes to things that are annoying and I don't jump in to rescue my kids or help them escape a situation that is less than perfect. I am also worried about trading one set of roommate problems for another unknown set. . Of course, I have no idea the true severity of the mental health issues of roommate and if his situation is serious or just a kid having difficulty adjusting socially. They still have not been there very long. But I want ds to focus on his own adjustment and success and not feel obligated to the constant care of roommate.

Moving to single room in the same dorm (where he wants to stay) is possibly an option though there would be an added expense we weren't planning on. Again, I would not be one to take on the extra expense just to get out of an annoying situation but it could be money well spent in the long run if the current situation was really weighing ds down.

I think ds would most like roommate to get settled in and just stay and keep things how they are. But I don't think he wants to live with this until summer. He told me he would talk to his RA today about options. I told him to make sure he reaches out and asks for help if he feels like things are getting worse of roommate is in danger. 

Anyone have any insight or thoughts here? I am sure we have parents here who have had children on both sides of this situation. We all feel for roomie as adjusting can be hard but no one feels ds should be (or is even equipped to be) responsible for him. 

For the record, my ds is a good kid and generally caring. But he is not THAT nice. He isn't going to include roomie more than once in a while and he likely will occasionally be harsh with him if he runs out of patience. 

 

Edited September 12, 2018 by teachermom2834

[Miss Tick]

Yikes. Reading this forum I have learned a lot about the concept of boundaries that I did not know before. Your ds needs a solid, explicit understanding of boundaries so that he can confidently respond to roomies' irrational demands.

The response to the text should be to tell her to contact the RA, right?

The response to roomies' whines should be a polite but firm, "I have a job", maybe with a shrug.

I wouldn't respond to the needy texts at all.

I would advise your ds to set boundaries and be confident in his independence.

If your ds still has some sympathy for the roomie perhaps they could eat together occasionally, or regularly. Not required, though, if he isn't feeling it.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Has he talked to his roommate about any of this? 

[teachermom2834]

2 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

Has he talked to his roommate about any of this? 

Yes. He has. He has made suggestions on ways he can get out and meet people and he has talked to his RA. The RA was called when the panic attack happened and I believe she is the one who helped him get in counseling. Ds has not talked to him about the fact that he is starting to consider moving. 

He does worry about the roommate. Ds had a friend commit suicide in high school so he is aware of risks of depression. I haven’t heard anything that would concern me to that level but I am not there. Ds, while trying to establish boundaries, doesn’t want to pile on or hurt roommate unnecessarily or push him to a breaking point.

Do you have a suggestion on what ds could say to roommate that might help? I do not think my family is made up of the most emotionally intelligent or sensitive people. So while he had talked to him and made suggestions it is possible there is something more effective he could say or do. Suggestions welcome.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Just now, teachermom2834 said:

Yes. He has. He has made suggestions on ways he can get out and meet people and he has talked to his RA. The RA was called when the panic attack happened and I believe she is the one who helped him get in counseling. Ds has not talked to him about the fact that he is starting to consider moving. 

He does worry about the roommate. Ds had a friend commit suicide in high school so he is aware of risks of depression. I haven’t heard anything that would concern me to that level but I am not there. Ds, while trying to establish boundaries, doesn’t want to pile on or hurt roommate unnecessarily or push him to a breaking point.

Do you have a suggestion on what ds could say to roommate that might help? I do not think my family is made up of the most emotionally intelligent or sensitive people. So while he had talked to him and made suggestions it is possible there is something more effective he could say or do. Suggestions welcome.

 

I was wondering what he'd tried. I'm so sorry about his friend. ?

I think if I (or ds) had a concern that the roommate might be at risk of trouble (of any kind) if he is confronted about his behavior, and if I could afford the single room, I would honestly just move ds to the single room. The roommate could be told that ds wants a single room so he can concentrate on his studies, maybe I'll see you around campus...and block his number...

But if roommate is not fragile, maybe he could be told that he seems to have the wrong idea about the relationship. Ds is happy to be roommates but he thinks they should have their own social lives and schedules. Also that he did not intend to get into a close, personal relationship where he's made to feel guilty for coming home late, or the one called if roommate is emotionally distraught. He had hoped roommate would be compatible (as far as not partying, being neat, etc.) but self-contained, like himself, so they could each focus on their individual goals of succeeding at college. They are roommates, not a couple.

So as a parent, I think I'd start by asking ds whether he thought roommate could handle that conversation. If he instantly protests that he doesn't think so, there's your answer: Ds needs a parachute out of that situation, if possible. If he says, "I don't know, I never thought of just telling him that he is annoying me," then it's worth a try.

 

 

[teachermom2834]

13 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

 

I was wondering what he'd tried. I'm so sorry about his friend. ?

I think if I (or ds) had a concern that the roommate might be at risk of trouble (of any kind) if he is confronted about his behavior, and if I could afford the single room, I would honestly just move ds to the single room. The roommate could be told that ds wants a single room so he can concentrate on his studies, maybe I'll see you around campus...and block his number...

But if roommate is not fragile, maybe he could be told that he seems to have the wrong idea about the relationship. Ds is happy to be roommates but he thinks they should have their own social lives and schedules. Also that he did not intend to get into a close, personal relationship where he's made to feel guilty for coming home late, or the one called if roommate is emotionally distraught. He had hoped roommate would be compatible (as far as not partying, being neat, etc.) but self-contained, like himself, so they could each focus on their individual goals of succeeding at college. They are roommates, not a couple.

So as a parent, I think I'd start by asking ds whether he thought roommate could handle that conversation. If he instantly protests that he doesn't think so, there's your answer: Ds needs a parachute out of that situation, if possible. If he says, "I don't know, I never thought of just telling him that he is annoying me," then it's worth a try.

 

 

Thanks, Tibbie. Last night ds was expressing it as more of a problem than before when he would just say the kid was annoying or needy. I told him to make sure he reaches out to RA if he feels there is danger and to let me know if he needs our assistance and we can all think about how to proceed. My ds is not a big talker himself and is reluctant to complain or worry me. So I tend to think if he was mentioning moving to me, he must have been thinking about it awhile. But your post restates what I have been thinking myself. If it's just annoying I would like him to work through it. But if he needs a parachute out, I want to give him that. Handling all his own business so far from home is really enough for an 18 yo to manage and I wouldn't want someone else's problems to get in the way of his success through no fault of his own.

It is a hard call especially for an 18 yo. So much emphasis on mental health, getting people help who need it, etc. I know he had to watch a tutorial as part of his orientation. I know he doesn't want to do anything to make things worse for this guy. But as adults we know that if his roommate is struggling that much, nothing ds does is going to fix it. He isn't equipped.

[Miss Tick]

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

It is a hard call especially for an 18 yo. So much emphasis on mental health, getting people help who need it, etc. I know he had to watch a tutorial as part of his orientation. I know he doesn't want to do anything to make things worse for this guy. But as adults we know that if his roommate is struggling that much, nothing ds does is going to fix it. He isn't equipped.

Tough situation. Him moving out could also cause similar issues as talking. Not that that should change course of action, just something to be prepared for. Sorry to hear about his high school friend.

[Bootsie]

I am sorry that your son is dealing with this.  It is good that the RA is alerted to the issue.  It sounds as if the RA has alerted someone else at the school to get the ball rolling for counseling.  Do you know if the roommate has been home this semester or if he has had much contact with this family?  

[teachermom2834]

7 hours ago, jdahlquist said:

I am sorry that your son is dealing with this.  It is good that the RA is alerted to the issue.  It sounds as if the RA has alerted someone else at the school to get the ball rolling for counseling.  Do you know if the roommate has been home this semester or if he has had much contact with this family?  

Ds thinks roommate does not have good home life. His parents are divorced and I am not sure where the dad lives but his mom is only an hour away. Ds says when she calls and they talk on the phone it is pretty rough and argumentative.  He originally told me that his roommate would never go home but he did leave for at least one night last weekend so ds had a little break. Yesterday didn’t bring any new information or thoughts from ds or any further mention of moving. This ds doesn’t always share, though. He likes to take care of everything himself. If it didn’t involve money he is one that would change his room and tell me a week later. Just very independent and doesn’t like to worry me.

This school is very focused on retention and student engagement so resources are pretty readily available so that is good. 

[Roadrunner]

Has he found somebody he would want to room with? Back in my day we were allowed to switch roommates. We all did once we made some friends. He could simply tell his current roommate that he met somebody he wants to room with given more shared interests. Your son isn’t a therapist. It’s not his job to be tending to emotional issues of this boy. And the boy appears to be getting help already, so he is in safe hands. 

[gstharr]

I would get my son out of that situation as soon as and anyway possible.  The roommate's  mental issues are not going to get better through talking. Will most likely worsen.  It is a long way to June.

[Bootsie]

It is good that it sounds as if the school has proactive and has some resources to help with the situation.  My advice would really depend upon how much the roommate's situation is impacting your son and interfering with his academics.  If he is someone who can easily take the stance that he has passed the information that the roommate has some issues and needs some help on to the proper people and then go about his own business, then the situation may be OK for him.  If he is OK if he comes back to his room and the roommate is there moping to just ignore the roommate, head to the library, or has access to a lobby area to hang out, then remaining with this roommate, at least until the end of the semester, may work fine.  

With social media and texting today, it is a bit harder to get away from the situation because he can receive texts from the roommate even when he is not in the room. Unfortunately, even if he changes rooms he may still get these texts from the roommate and may have to resort to blocking the messages if they become too problematic.

[teachermom2834]

Thanks everyone. The only update I have is that ds says he is fine for now. So I think the situation is currently in the annoying category and doesn’t seem to be such a huge problem that ds wants to move. 

This ds is a tough one to get a read on. He  generally is private and has always tried to solve all his own problems without involving us. So, he isn’t always forthcoming with lots of info. So I keep reminding him we are here and always ready to back him up and help him sort things out. He knows that, I’m sure, he just isn’t always one to share everything. 

One of the best things about his setup is that he has plenty of places to escape his room. He is in a fancy new dorm with a rec and media room and a quiet study room on every floor and a huge rec and game room as well as a kitchen in the lobby. He also has a 24 hour dining hall right outside the dorm and a fitness center with extensive hours right there. Also as an honors student his key card gives him access to the honors building with a lounge 24 hours. I had an awful freshman roommate situation so one of the things we have always considered is where the kids can “escape” if they don’t want to be in their rooms. 

May dad is visiting him next weekend so I will have him ask ds directly about the situation. I hesitate to text questions about it or ask a lot on the phone not knowing if ds has privacy to speak. I would hate roommate to see a text from me asking about ds moving! 

[gstharr]

Sorry, I don't consider escaping his room a solution. 

[teachermom2834]

21 minutes ago, gstharr said:

Sorry, I don't consider escaping his room a solution. 

Oh I understand. I think escaping is appropriate if roommate is annoying, not if there is a serious issue.