Sudden sleep regression/separation anxiety in 5 yr old

[ExcitedMama]

My DD is almost 6 and suddenly having a really hard time at bedtime. Nothing has changed at all in our routine. Most of the time she’s happy and smiling and the end of our bedtime routine but she will cry as soon as I leave or start before I leave. When I ask about it she just says she misses me. I haven’t been away from her at all. She’s literally with me all day everyday. She was very clingy and impossible to put down as a baby and toddler but it’s been years since it was like this. When she was little I had to lay down with her until she was so asleep I could sneak away but for years now we’ve done the same routine without a problem. I’m not sure how to help her without making it worse. I reassure her and cuddle with her but that’s taking longer and she keeps running out to find me after I leave. We’ve been having DH take her back to bed since she’s more attached to me when she comes out of her room to find me. Any advice on how to help her through it without making this a bad habit? DH thinks we should let her cry it out but it’s too heartbreaking for me. She’s genuinely distressed and sad to be away from me. 

[Carol in Cal.]

This is fairly normal.  At that age DD stopped being able to stand sleepovers, which she had loved, because she missed us so much.  That continued until she was 9 1/2.  There were also pretty horrid nightmares in the mix, so although she didn't insist on us sleeping with her, she often ended up joining us in the middle of the night.

The way I looked at it, during most of history little kids slept with adults.  It's more normal than not; and if they want to, it's not a sign of problems.  (Inconvenient though it may be.)

[Katy]

I actually tend to agree with your DH.  The current politically correct term for cry-it-out, which might be deemed as abusive when done incorrectly, is "learning to self-soothe." But with typical parents they are the same thing in practice.

But before I did that I would seriously evaluate what's happened recently.  Did she only recently move out of your bed?  Have you had another baby or talked about one in front of her? Has anyone died in your extended circle, including a pet of a neighbor or a character on her favorite TV show? Has she been exposed to media about kids being separated from their parents at the border, or kids being kidnapped?  Is there anything else that she might be having anxiety about?  If there is an anxiety source it would be better to address that rather than jump to discipline, IME.

That being said if none of those seem to be a factor, a long bedtime routine, lots of snuggles and cuddles, and a set bedtime is what I would do.  Leave the room, let her cry for 10 minutes, go back in and pat her back or hold her hand for 10 seconds but don't talk, and walk out again is the way I would do it.  Then don't return for 15 minutes, then 20.  Set a timer on your phone so there's no question about how long it's been. With one exception that I'll discuss below I've never had a kid stay in bed and need another trip in after that 20 minutes,  I've never had it take more than 3 days, and I've never had a child cry for more than 2 minutes after that initial 3 days. Sometimes there are regressions, but usually IME after they've learned to self-soothe if a kid starts screaming something is usually wrong- like having an accident or getting an arm or leg caught in a bed rail.

The exception was when an older sibling sharing a room was goading a child to get out of bed for the thrill of seeing her get in trouble.  This was a foster sibling set from an especially heinous situation where sibling abuse was encouraged, which no one yet knew. Until I set up a baby monitor in the room and figured out the dynamic involved and ended up separating the kids, I went through some phases where after I put the child to bed I sat in a chair in the doorway with my back to the room.  I think the first night it took 45 minutes until they were asleep.  After that it was 20 minutes.  After that there were several days where I did what another foster family I know does, which is give a timeout for each time they get out of bed.  Looking back I would have put a baby monitor in the room sooner rather than the timeout situation. The baby monitor enabled me to witness what was prompting the child to get out of bed. Obviously different situations might call for something else.

[Lecka]

I think there’s a second period of separation anxiety around this age.  I think a lot of options are all fine as choices, from cry-it-out to your husband taking her to you taking her.  Whatever works for you guys.  

Just my opinion.  

[kiwik]

I would just give her what she needs.  She is just beginniyng to grasp death and herself as separate from you.  It is scary for her but it will pass.

This applies only if you can do it.  You may have 6 other kids or have to go to work once she is in bed - I can't see your signature on my phone.

[ExcitedMama]

Thanks everyone! No, no changes at all. Nothing new at all to cause any stress. It just seems so strange to me to come on all of a sudden and the way she can be fine and then be hysterically crying as soon as the door shuts. I really do want to help her self soothe and work through it and not make her feel reliant on us but so far nothing is working. It’s just heartbreaking seeing her so upset. 

[Katy]

2 minutes ago, ExcitedMama said:

Thanks everyone! No, no changes at all. Nothing new at all to cause any stress. It just seems so strange to me to come on all of a sudden and the way she can be fine and then be hysterically crying as soon as the door shuts. I really do want to help her self soothe and work through it and not make her feel reliant on us but so far nothing is working. It’s just heartbreaking seeing her so upset. 

 

Sometimes I think with kids their emotions are bigger than they are at that age. Their moods swing so fast.  Yes, she feels awfully frustrated in the moment, but I bet it hurts you more than her. Especially if she's figured out that screaming means she'll get her way.

And I don't mean that I'm being dismissive of her feelings at all - I have unusually strong memories of being little, and having tantrums.  My frustration level was often a 3 or 4 but I was emoting at more like a 9 or 10. I kept that up until I was 14 or so I think. I was one of those kids that was horrified by my own behavior when I saw a videotape of myself - I really didn't understand what I was projecting was much more obnoxious than what I was feeling. Being in situations where I was videotaped more frequently really helped me to act more in tune with my emotions.

One of my good friends had such trouble letting her 6 year old cry it out she asked her DH to help.  She'd send DD to bed then sit downstairs on the couch with her DH and cry as DD cried it out.  What finally calmed her down was realizing that her DD cried for only a few minutes, and she was much more upset about it than her DD was. Even then, after months of giving in to her DD's bedtime meltdowns, it took less than a week of sticking to a bedtime for the girl to start to go to bed without tears.