How do we feel about Save-the-Date notices when not for a wedding?

[LucyStoner]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

 

Much sooner here. 

Yeah, it's the end of April and I have no idea where the rest of April went...

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm not into the StD card thing.  My daughter sent them with her engagement photo.  She didn't ask me what I thought about it and I didn't volunteer because it's not my wedding and she wanted to do it.  But since this thread specifically asks me about them....

I think wedding/anniversary subculture plays in heavily here.  I don't think weddings/anniversaries (meaning big event anniversaries with guests)  are a big deal.  I think it's lovely to have a wedding/anniversary if you really want one, but what is typical of wedding/anniversary attitudes in the US looks to me like it borders on mental illness. Have a wedding/anniversary you can truly afford. Only spend time, money and energy on what you sincerely care about.  Only invite those people you truly want to share the day with.  If they can make it, great, if not, shrug.  It's just a wedding/anniversary. Marriage matters-weddings/anniversaries do not.  If my sibling can't make it to my wedding/anniversary because he bought his tickets and made reservations for a vacation in advance, oh well. It's just a wedding/anniversary and sometimes life happens in such a way that you have to choose between 2 things.  I'm sure he'll make a point to come see me in person when he gets back.  I'll show him my pictures and tell him all about it and he'll show me his pictures and tell me all about it.

I'm the person who thinks destination weddings are obnoxious. People who want that should just elope. I honestly think it's rude to burden all guests with such a request as to travel far just watch a wedding.  We were the bride and groom who paid for out attendants' clothing and flew in the Maid of Honor from 2 states over so they wouldn't feel any financial strain from our wedding in any way.  It's one thing to choose a venue that makes sense for the couple and know that means some people will have to travel if they really want to attend because not everyone lives in the same area, but intentionally planning travel for everyone is selfish.

I don't have major commitments that I have to book months in advance and I don't think many other people do either.  The typical 4 weeks before the wedding standard invitation covers it just fine, and if someone does have a major commitment that can't be moved or covered by a reasonable substitute, then they can't make the wedding.  Oh well.  We'll get together another time and not fuss about being unable to attend.

[Joules]

I just got a Save the Date e-mail for a formal event at a non-profit where we donate.  It's really an appreciation event for donors.  The details aren't worked out yet, but the date is set.  I was happy to put it on the calendar and wait for the details in the formal invitation (which may actually be by e-mail also, to save funds.)

I guess sending paper mail is wasteful, but I'm just as happy with e-mail.  There are things I want to reserve time for, with people and organizations that are important to me, but that I don't see often enough to just have a chat about it.  There are so many times that I've scheduled something inconsequential or something that would have been flexible (airfare!), and then gotten an invitation a week later to something I hated to have to miss.  

I do notice some people being irritated because it's like they are being obligated to go. I wonder if the "Save the Date" name is a bit pushy?  I see them as "Just Letting You Know" cards.  I still don't have any more obligation to save the date or to go than I do with a regular invitation.

[Guest]

6 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

Graduation invites can just drop now.  That's like 6-8 weeks out?  

 

It is 11 weeks until the planned grad party. (Yes, this is more than a month after the graduation.) 

[Guest]

Quote

think wedding/anniversary subculture plays in heavily here.  I don't think weddings/anniversaries (meaning big event anniversaries with guests)  are a big deal.  I think it's lovely to have a wedding/anniversary if you really want one, but what is typical of wedding/anniversary attitudes in the US looks to me like it borders on mental illness. Have a wedding/anniversary you can truly afford. Only spend time, money and energy on what you sincerely care about.  Only invite those people you truly want to share the day with.  If they can make it, great, if not, shrug.  It's just a wedding/anniversary. Marriage matters-weddings/anniversaries do not.  If my sibling can't make it to my wedding/anniversary because he bought his tickets and made reservations for a vacation in advance, oh well. It's just a wedding/anniversary and sometimes life happens in such a way that you have to choose between 2 things.  I'm sure he'll make a point to come see me in person when he gets back.  I'll show him my pictures and tell him all about it and he'll show me his pictures and tell me all about it.

I'm the person who thinks destination weddings are obnoxious. People who want that should just elope. I honestly think it's rude to burden all guests with such a request as to travel far just watch a wedding.  We were the bride and groom who paid for out attendants' clothing and flew in the Maid of Honor from 2 states over so they wouldn't feel any financial strain from our wedding in any way.  It's one thing to choose a venue that makes sense for the couple and know that means some people will have to travel if they really want to attend because not everyone lives in the same area, but intentionally planning travel for everyone is selfi

 

I do feel the same about affordability. And some of the weddings I have been to in the past few years had additional features that left me scratching my head, for example, the next morning after the wedding, there was also a brunch and “send off.” Or “bachelorette parties” that involved flights to a destination. I think such things are excessive and asking an awful lot of your guests or bridesmaids, not to mention the additional expenses. (But ultimately, not my circus, so whatever.) 

I do think destination weddings are asking an awful lot of your guests and wedding party. 

I don’t share your feelings about missing a big event. I love, love, love to see people I care about get married or celebrate many years of marriage. I think it’s wonderful and contributes to a feeling of connection. Two of my sisters had at least one marriage that was an elopement and it felt like I didn’t get to know the groom or his family and friends at all. (Those marriages also did not last, so I truly never did come to know them.) A wedding is nice in that the families and friends all get to know one another a bit. I didn’t even know if those men had siblings, where they grew up, had living parents - nothing. 

[PrairieSong]

I think it is an added expense and extra task that isn't completely necessary, but I can see why people think they're useful. I guess it depends on how many guests there are and if they are mostly/all close friends and relatives. If the guest list isn't huge and they are people you're in contact with for the most part, I'd spread the word verbally. If not, send STDs. When dd got married, she did a Facebook Save the Date for all her same age friends, and sent STDs in the mail to the, ahem, older people and those she wasn't Facebook friends with. Of course everyone received an invitation in the mail. I thought that was a good compromise. 

[Dynamite5]

Not reading other replies, I vote for Save the Date for the anniversary party but not the graduation. Although graduation parties are a big deal to the immediate family, I don't put them in the same category as someone who is celebrating a milestone anniversary.

 

[kbutton]

21 hours ago, Ellie said:

People who are close to you will already know the date in advance, because you'll have chatted with them about it.

1

Not in my world, lol! Besides the fact that lots of people don't really actually communicate these things well in my circles, if I had a dollar for every time I heard something like, "I thought you already knew," I'd be rich. This is followed closely by, "I told your husband/son/Sunday School class/mother/dog/imaginary friend." 

And this is not at all meant to be snarky, but honestly, if the stuff is getting discussed person to person like that in my circles, there is a 95% or better likelihood that they are discussing it at the event my family missed because there was no STD card, or they thought I already knew,  lol! 

***ETA: I just realized that all it takes is just one or two instances of turning down an invitation (in our case usually because it came too late), and then you don't get invited anymore. Because of DH's scheduling issues, we miss stuff, and then we are just not invited to the next thing. 

We are not super busy, just basically not able to be flexible about traditional evening/weekend/holiday event times.

Edited April 26, 2018 by kbutton
Added information

[Guest]

5 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

This whole thread just reminds me that so many people are booked to the max and busier than me. And I'm relieved I'm not there (yet). I don't really want to be so busy that I need months to RSVP to something. Some people thrive on very full schedules and that's fine. I just don't think I'm one of them. 

I’m actually not one of them, either. I’m not a go-go-go kind of person and have never been, through all ages of my kids. I still like knowing about something big months in advance, in part because it blocks that date off in my mind so I don’t accidentally plan something else, and in part because it gives me longer to think about any logistics involved, as someone (maybe Marbel?) said upthread.