Executive Function, Procrastination, ADHD? - Problems for me

[Just Kate]

After reading several posts on this board about executive function problems, procrastination, and even ADHD (although I don't think this is the case), I am beginning to think that there might be a name for what I've been dealing with my entire life.

 

I have issues completing things. I am a GREAT planner. I love to plan. I stink at execution though. I spend a ton of time worrying about what needs to be done, yet I often don't make much headway getting to my goal. A couple of examples:

 

• When my kids were little, I would make fabulous chore charts and plans for all of the wonderful ways I was going to reward the kids for helping out around the house. I would hang them up and they would never get done. It got to the point where my oldest would say, "Yay, another chore chart that we will never do!" I realized what I was doing to them by planning and then not implementing, so I just quit.
• I struggle with meal planning and making dinner every night. DH works out of town and it is often just the kids and me. Even when I have a planned list of meals for each evening, something prevents me from following through with that list at meal time. It always seems so strange to me! I read blog posts about how to meal plan, yet I just don't know why I can't follow through. Of course, I end up wasting food and money because of this...and then I get sooo mad at myself.
• My job - I work in the finance industry and have been in my current position for over 11 years. I have worked in my industry for 17 years doing practically the same job. With all of this experience, you would think that I would have the processes and procedures down pat, but I don't. I procrastinate all the time and feel stress when getting projects done. I have started a sort-of bullet journal for the tasks I need to complete, which has helped me to not forget things. But when it comes down to getting the work done, I wait until the last minute and work late and stress out. I never realized that many people use that adrenaline rush of procrastination to help them to complete projects! I guess that's what I do though. Remembering back, I did this in college and high school as well. I wasn't great at studying every night and instead I would cram for tests (and I did fairly well too!). I didn't enjoy it though.

I always thought that if I could be more organized, if I could try harder, if I could focus more...I would do a better job. But here I am at the age of 41 and I continue to deal with the same problem that I dealt with in high school! My biggest fear is that I'm not helping my kids to learn how to organize and plan their daily activities. They both attend a b&m school, so they have homework most nights. We have never really had a set routine or schedule for when they should do their homework. As they are getting older, I can see that this will be a problem.

 

I really want to tackle this problem, but I'm not sure where to start. I live in a more rural area, so I doubt there are a bunch of resources available around me. 

 

Would love to hear about anyone else who has dealt with this and ways you've overcome. Or if you have any suggestions for me, I am ready!!!

[kewb]

Executive function coaching. There are ones who specialize in adults.

My dh recommends the book Getting Things Done.

Edited August 26, 2017 by kewb

[Pink and Green Mom]

You sound just like me (my parents used to call me The List Queen - tons of great lists of things to do but no follow through on any of it).  Medicine helps, but it is not a panacea and I realize some people are against it.

 

The book Driven to Distraction is helpful.  I believe there is a workbook that goes along with it, or some other books as a companion.  There are lots of strategies and practical advice for dealing with EF and ADD stuff in there.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Welcome to the club, my dear  :grouphug: You're describing me to a T. I don't have too much advice for you. As I mentioned in Carrie's thread, after 15 years spent trying to change myself, I'm working toward acceptance and understanding instead. This is who I am. More self-castigation never helped me with anything, ever.

 

About cooking, what helps me is to always have some of the following on hand:

 

--Frozen, vacuum-sealed things I can thaw quickly in water (vac-packed chicken, Aidell's chicken sausages, salmon fillets, etc.)

 

--A few non-perishable items (pasta and a couple of jars of sauce)

 

--Frozen veggies (even though we prefer fresh when possible, frozen makes life easier)

 

--An Instant Pot (cooks dinner fast, even from frozen!)

 

--Eggs

 

--Low expectations :lol:

 

I meal plan when I can, and when I can't or the meal plan fails (usually due to expired ingredients that I forgot about), I can usually pull a backup plan out these things, even if it's just fried eggs and toast. 

 

You mentioned a bullet journal--that has been very helpful to me. Actually, it morphed from a bullet journal into a journal where I just list everything that needs to be done that week on the left-hand page, and then I start single days on the right-hand page. I transfer from the weekly list to the daily list and keep on going. The bullet journal style, though, gave me the idea of using the page numbers to make a kind of table of contents so that I could just keep moving forward with my thoughts instead of trying to break everything down into assigned, finite sections. 

 

I too use the last-minute adrenaline fuel to get through most things. It's not great, but there it is. Something that has helped me is taking time in the morning to think through the day and sort of mentally schedule when I'll try to do things. More often than not, the day doesn't work out that way, but at least I can have a kind of mental target. Can you set timers on your phone to remind you when to transition to a new project? 

 

I'll be reading the thread for more ideas, but frankly, I'm tired of trying to change myself. I'm definitely working on giving the kids good habits: They have journals and calendars, we talk about best practices, etc. But ultimately, we are who we are, and I'm trying to work on accepting that about myself while still trying to give myself tools for success. 

 

:grouphug:

 

ETA: And I just thought I'd share with you that right now, while I'm here commiserating and hoping to learn, I'm really supposed to be doing the lesson planning that I was supposed to be doing ALL SUMMER, because for us, school starts on 9/1. Guess which mode I'm in now? Yep, procrastination/adrenaline mode :lol: 

Edited August 26, 2017 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Executive function coaching. There are ones who specialize in adults.

My dh recommends the book Getting Things Done.

 

I need a coach to help me understand how to accomplish Getting Things Done. I've gotten halfway through the book multiple times, and I'm nodding along and totally on board. Then, at a certain point, it just stops making sense. I just can't see how to apply it to our lifestyle. Maybe it's because I don't have a lot of paperwork or longer-term stuff going on? 

Edited August 26, 2017 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[eternalsummer]

posting here so I can listen to advice :)

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

 

Maybe Smart but Scattered and ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life might help.  Executive Function skills can be way off.  Your brain is struggling with all the zillions of steps that seem easy/understood/hardly worrisome at all, but they ARE hard.  There is a breakdown in how your brain goes from "This needs to be done" to "I'm doing it" to "I'm finishing it and in a timely fashion".  

 

 Those books helped me but what I HAVE to do is always have EXTERNAL supports in place and to get things set into a routine that gets done each day.  It cannot just be from me and it cannot be just random or it won't get done.  Not anymore.  Lists used to keep me on track but after cancer treatments that went by the wayside.  External supports.  And having someone else initially help get those things in place and doing them consistently.  Once the procedural and muscle memory get into place and I am actually used to doing something it helps rewrite the pattern of NOT following through that has been reinforced every time I didn't.

 

I also found that layers work better.  Example:

 

Lets say you are really struggling with house work.  Start with layer one.  Each day you are going to commit to doing ONE SPECIFIC THING well, every day, and will start at the same time each day (this can become more flexible later but you don't want it open ended right now) for however long it takes to become habit.  Housework can seem so simple it feels like lack of willpower/laziness preventing you from doing things but glitchy brain function may be the underlying culprit so now you have to retrain your brain.  That is going to take time and intentionality.  Hard to do when life keeps getting in the way.  Start small.

 

 

Think of yourself as an apprentice.  You are starting an apprenticeship and no matter how simple the task seems, accept that it is deceptively NOT simple.  Make a list of ONE TYPE OF THING you are going to get used to just doing, no matter what.  Lets say its laundry.  Break that down into the tasks needed to finish the entire job.  All of it.  Today.  Be detailed.  There is probably a lot more involved than you are realizing.  Lots of steps your brain may find overwhelming to finish and easily distracted from finishing so your brain never tells you to finish all those steps.  Yes, you know you SHOULD but the part of your brain that tells you to go ahead and DO it isn't working right.  Don't let yourself worry about anything else but this chore.  Everything else just do what has to be done to survive but worry about doing THIS task really well, consistently, every day.  You are going to retrain your brain in THIS ONE CHORE ONLY.

 

Week 1 Day 1:  

• Task 1: Either through an alarm or someone prompting/supporting you or maybe a list written in big bold letters you take all the dirty clothes to the laundry room first thing in the morning.  You completed your task.  Yeah!  Mark it off.
• Task 2:  You sort the dirty clothes in preparation for washing.  You completed your task.  Yeah!  Mark it off.
• Task 3:  You start the next load of laundry.  Yeah!  Mark it off.  Set an alarm to remind you to get it when it is done.  Plan it out in your head roughly when that will be.  Visualize yourself coming back and finishing this task.
• Task 3: You move the wet stuff to the dryer and dry it.  Yeah!  Mark it off.  Again, set an alarm to come back.
• Task 4:  You pull out the dry stuff and fold it IMMEDIATELY.  Yeah!  Mark it off.
• Task 5:  You put away the dry clothes immediately after folding.  Immediately.  Try hard not to get distracted or procrastinate.  Get someone else to prompt you or help you or whatever.  Do it NOW.

You have completed your tasks but you have not yet established a new brain pattern that will stick.  You are trying to override all the years of distraction and procrastination and goofed up Executive Function in your brain.  This will take time.  Do it all again the next day.  Use as many external prompts as you need.  Keep doing it until your brain is used to doing these things without distraction/stress/sense of failure for not having finished.  It might be days or even weeks.  Once it becomes ingrained and you can complete the entire thing from beginning to end without forgetting/procrastinating and you do it well, consider you have passed your apprenticeship.  Mark it on your calendar.  You are now a Journeyman.  

 

Then layer in a new chore/need.  New apprenticeship.  Maybe cooking.  Focus on JUST THAT thing intentionally for a week or two or three.  Enlist someone else to be your temporary coach if that will help.  The previous one (laundry in this case) is hopefully already pretty ingrained.  You don't have to put so much mental energy into completion now.

 

Do this process until you have moved to Journeyman status on 3 things.  Work steadily on maintaining those three things for an extended period of time.  Now you are at Mastery level and can start new apprenticeships.

 

 

[AimeeM]

Honestly, I chose the medication route. My GP wasn't hesitant at all in telling me that he will not -- no matter what -- dx an adult with adhd or prescribe meds, not even 10 minutes into my conversation with him, so I sought help elsewhere. In my area, we have a practice of two doctors who specialize only in ADHD and co-mordid disorders; one doctor for children, and another for adolescents and adults. They do a battery of tests (hours and hours worth), plus paperwork and interviews, before making a determination. 

 

In my case, I landed on taking evekeo. It's a relatively new stimulant medication, but is "smoother" than adderall. I'm still working out the dosing kinks, but in the mean time, my doctor is seeing me frequently. At first she was seeing me every two weeks to make adjustments, with the ability to call her sooner if needed, and now it's monthly to do the same. 

 

If one person told me to "just plan better," or to "just write it down and you'll remember to get it done," I was ready to snap. It was affecting my marriage, my own sanity and happiness, and -- what really sealed the coffin for me and got me into the doctor -- my children's health. By the time I had three special needs children, one of whom has frequent appointments with such doctors as cardiology, pulmonology, endocrinology, etc. (and the others with OT and PT and caseworker appointments), and I was finding myself forgetting the appointments, forgetting where I wrote down the appointments, or just getting too involved in other things to remember, I knew I needed to see someone, and that it was past what I could handle on my own. And lest anyone think the marriage problems stemming from my own issues are trivial, I was staying up until after 3 every morning trying to cram in things, that still weren't getting done, which meant I never went to bed with my husband, was always snappy and irritable during the day (towards DH), and never remembered the little things that were important to him.

 

All that to say, I would encourage you not to immediately dismiss the idea of medication. I wish I hadn't for so long.

[Just Kate]

Executive function coaching. There are ones who specialize in adults.

My dh recommends the book Getting Things Done.

 

I now have that book on hold at my library. Thanks!!

[Just Kate]

You sound just like me (my parents used to call me The List Queen - tons of great lists of things to do but no follow through on any of it).  Medicine helps, but it is not a panacea and I realize some people are against it.

 

The book Driven to Distraction is helpful.  I believe there is a workbook that goes along with it, or some other books as a companion.  There are lots of strategies and practical advice for dealing with EF and ADD stuff in there.

 

Until recently, I never really considered that I had a problem that might be corrected with medication. Honestly, I  just thought that I wasn't trying hard enough (which is funny, because I feel like I work at getting nothing done ALL. THE. TIME). I don't know that medication would be my first choice, but I certainly wouldn't rule it out. 

 

I checked the book Driven to Distraction out from my library (it i an e-book, so I got it right away). I'm planning to give it a try this evening. Thanks for the suggestion!

[Just Kate]

Welcome to the club, my dear  :grouphug: You're describing me to a T. I don't have too much advice for you. As I mentioned in Carrie's thread, after 15 years spent trying to change myself, I'm working toward acceptance and understanding instead. This is who I am. More self-castigation never helped me with anything, ever.

 

About cooking, what helps me is to always have some of the following on hand:

 

--Frozen, vacuum-sealed things I can thaw quickly in water (vac-packed chicken, Aidell's chicken sausages, salmon fillets, etc.)

 

--A few non-perishable items (pasta and a couple of jars of sauce)

 

--Frozen veggies (even though we prefer fresh when possible, frozen makes life easier)

 

--An Instant Pot (cooks dinner fast, even from frozen!)

 

--Eggs

 

--Low expectations :lol:

 

I meal plan when I can, and when I can't or the meal plan fails (usually due to expired ingredients that I forgot about), I can usually pull a backup plan out these things, even if it's just fried eggs and toast. 

 

You mentioned a bullet journal--that has been very helpful to me. Actually, it morphed from a bullet journal into a journal where I just list everything that needs to be done that week on the left-hand page, and then I start single days on the right-hand page. I transfer from the weekly list to the daily list and keep on going. The bullet journal style, though, gave me the idea of using the page numbers to make a kind of table of contents so that I could just keep moving forward with my thoughts instead of trying to break everything down into assigned, finite sections. 

 

I too use the last-minute adrenaline fuel to get through most things. It's not great, but there it is. Something that has helped me is taking time in the morning to think through the day and sort of mentally schedule when I'll try to do things. More often than not, the day doesn't work out that way, but at least I can have a kind of mental target. Can you set timers on your phone to remind you when to transition to a new project? 

 

I'll be reading the thread for more ideas, but frankly, I'm tired of trying to change myself. I'm definitely working on giving the kids good habits: They have journals and calendars, we talk about best practices, etc. But ultimately, we are who we are, and I'm trying to work on accepting that about myself while still trying to give myself tools for success. 

 

:grouphug:

 

ETA: And I just thought I'd share with you that right now, while I'm here commiserating and hoping to learn, I'm really supposed to be doing the lesson planning that I was supposed to be doing ALL SUMMER, because for us, school starts on 9/1. Guess which mode I'm in now? Yep, procrastination/adrenaline mode :lol:

 

I had to quote your post because you mentioned an Instant Pot. Would you believe that I got an IP last Christmas, yet I've never even used it??? I was sure that the IP was going to change my life, but every time I sit down to try to figure out how to use it and what to cook in it, I get completely overwhelmed. Kind of funny, right?

 

I like your other suggestions about dinner, but my problem is that I try to eat a lower carb diet (I've lot about 15 lbs and I'm about 15lbs from my ultimate goal). For me, I can't quite figure out how to feel my family quickly while eating lower carb. Add in that my ds is quite picky and I just fall apart.

Edited August 26, 2017 by Just Kate

[Laurie4b]

I skimmed the responses and didn't see anyone suggesting that you go to a psychiatrist or psychologist to be evaluated for ADHD. If you have it (sounds very plausible), you may find a prescription for Ritalin helpful. Ritalin has a lonnnnnnng track record so they know where any side-effects might be. But one of the things that some adults I know with ADD appreciate about it is that they can take a Ritalin tablet and 4 hours later, it's out of their system. So they can selectively take it when they really need to focus and aren't able. That lack of focus is particularly difficult for tedious tasks. 

 

Ritalin does not help with executive function, but it does help with focus. It sounds like in many ways you executive function is in pretty good shape (you can do the planning) but that when it comes to the more tedious execution, is where you have the most problems. 

[Just Kate]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Maybe Smart but Scattered and ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life might help. Executive Function skills can be way off. Your brain is struggling with all the zillions of steps that seem easy/understood/hardly worrisome at all, but they ARE hard. There is a breakdown in how your brain goes from "This needs to be done" to "I'm doing it" to "I'm finishing it and in a timely fashion".

 

Those books helped me but what I HAVE to do is always have EXTERNAL supports in place and to get things set into a routine that gets done each day. It cannot just be from me and it cannot be just random or it won't get done. Not anymore. Lists used to keep me on track but after cancer treatments that went by the wayside. External supports. And having someone else initially help get those things in place and doing them consistently. Once the procedural and muscle memory get into place and I am actually used to doing something it helps rewrite the pattern of NOT following through that has been reinforced every time I didn't.

 

I also found that layers work better. Example:

 

Lets say you are really struggling with house work. Start with layer one. Each day you are going to commit to doing ONE SPECIFIC THING well, every day, and will start at the same time each day (this can become more flexible later but you don't want it open ended right now) for however long it takes to become habit. Housework can seem so simple it feels like lack of willpower/laziness preventing you from doing things but glitchy brain function may be the underlying culprit so now you have to retrain your brain. That is going to take time and intentionality. Hard to do when life keeps getting in the way. Start small.

 

 

Think of yourself as an apprentice. You are starting an apprenticeship and no matter how simple the task seems, accept that it is deceptively NOT simple. Make a list of ONE TYPE OF THING you are going to get used to just doing, no matter what. Lets say its laundry. Break that down into the tasks needed to finish the entire job. All of it. Today. Be detailed. There is probably a lot more involved than you are realizing. Lots of steps your brain may find overwhelming to finish and easily distracted from finishing so your brain never tells you to finish all those steps. Yes, you know you SHOULD but the part of your brain that tells you to go ahead and DO it isn't working right. Don't let yourself worry about anything else but this chore. Everything else just do what has to be done to survive but worry about doing THIS task really well, consistently, every day. You are going to retrain your brain in THIS ONE CHORE ONLY.

 

Week 1 Day 1:

• Task 1: Either through an alarm or someone prompting/supporting you or maybe a list written in big bold letters you take all the dirty clothes to the laundry room first thing in the morning. You completed your task. Yeah! Mark it off.
• Task 2: You sort the dirty clothes in preparation for washing. You completed your task. Yeah! Mark it off.
• Task 3: You start the next load of laundry. Yeah! Mark it off. Set an alarm to remind you to get it when it is done. Plan it out in your head roughly when that will be. Visualize yourself coming back and finishing this task.
• Task 3: You move the wet stuff to the dryer and dry it. Yeah! Mark it off. Again, set an alarm to come back.
• Task 4: You pull out the dry stuff and fold it IMMEDIATELY. Yeah! Mark it off.
• Task 5: You put away the dry clothes immediately after folding. Immediately. Try hard not to get distracted or procrastinate. Get someone else to prompt you or help you or whatever. Do it NOW.

You have completed your tasks but you have not yet established a new brain pattern that will stick. You are trying to override all the years of distraction and procrastination and goofed up Executive Function in your brain. This will take time. Do it all again the next day. Use as many external prompts as you need. Keep doing it until your brain is used to doing these things without distraction/stress/sense of failure for not having finished. It might be days or even weeks. Once it becomes ingrained and you can complete the entire thing from beginning to end without forgetting/procrastinating and you do it well, consider you have passed your apprenticeship. Mark it on your calendar. You are now a Journeyman.

 

Then layer in a new chore/need. New apprenticeship. Maybe cooking. Focus on JUST THAT thing intentionally for a week or two or three. Enlist someone else to be your temporary coach if that will help. The previous one (laundry in this case) is hopefully already pretty ingrained. You don't have to put so much mental energy into completion now.

 

Do this process until you have moved to Journeyman status on 3 things. Work steadily on maintaining those three things for an extended period of time. Now you are at Mastery level and can start new apprenticeships.

Wow...what great suggestions!! I need to think of one task that I could use this with. I appreciate it. And I downloaded the audio version of ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life and ha e started listening. Sounds like it might be a great help.

[OneStepAtATime]

Wow...what great suggestions!! I need to think of one task that I could use this with. I appreciate it. And I downloaded the audio version of ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life and ha e started listening. Sounds like it might be a great help.

Good luck!  I wish you all the best in this endeavor.

[OneStepAtATime]

I had to quote your post because you mentioned an Instant Pot. Would you believe that I got an IP last Christmas, yet I've never even used it??? I was sure that the IP was going to change my life, but every time I sit down to try to figure out how to use it and what to cook in it, I get completely overwhelmed. Kind of funny, right?

 

I like your other suggestions about dinner, but my problem is that I try to eat a lower carb diet (I've lot about 15 lbs and I'm about 15lbs from my ultimate goal). For me, I can't quite figure out how to feel my family quickly while eating lower carb. Add in that my ds is quite picky and I just fall apart.

:grouphug:  

 

This is an area I still am struggling with myself.  Could you temporarily hire a good nutritionist/food consultant to help you meal plan?  Then maybe have an IRL friend who is a good cook come over once a week to help walk you through using the kitchen equipment you've got on hand to really get good at cooking maybe 3 specific meals that will meet your low carb needs that will also meet the needs of your family?  Just focus on those three meals and getting good at cooking them without having to think through every single step.  Muscle and procedural memory.  Establish those.  You can layer in a few more meals later, once those three meals are well established in your brain/body.

 

I'm actually looking into something similar since I have specific dietary needs and am lousy at cooking.