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[Rosie_0801]

LOL yep, I thought so too. It makes me wonder why he is seeking validation from me.

 

Many teenagers go through the 'I don't care what you think about me' stage and are trying to strike out on their own, or rebel.  Maybe he is on the opposite side of that pendulum and the parental approval (even as a future MIL) is very important to him.  Hence the comment about refusing to disrespect me. 

 

Or, he is looking at a way to pull (dd and himself) away further so he is using all of this as a crux, to push me away.  Who knows what goes through a teenagers head.  LOL Likely he doesn't even know.

 

Having been in a relationship that got to the point where the fellow considered it a favour to me to turn the shower off after he used it, I'd be watching to make sure he didn't develop into the type who considered taking care of his own responsibilities a favour to other people. He's still young, but getting older sure isn't the same thing as maturing. Fortunately for us all, we don't stay 19 forever.  :laugh:

[Tap]

 

Edited August 13, 2017 by Tap

[Xahm]

If up till now your relationship has been good, I wouldn't worry too much about this. To me, it sounds like maybe he's stressed out by this relationship with your daughter and all this medical stuff. I can imagine, partly because a close friend of mine was once in a similar position, that lots of conflicting thoughts are running through his head. "I love her, but this is super serious and we are young. My friends do fun stuff with their girlfriends while I make sure mine doesn't have to be hospitalized. I feel like I'm making some major commitment. Am I ready for that? What if later we break up? Will I be causing a medical problems on top of emotional ones? Her family is so accepting of me, which should feel great, but it reminds me that there's not going to be an easy way out of this relationship." That's not to say that I think he wants to break up with your daughter, only that in early stages of a relationship or at a young age, it's nice to know the exit door isn't bolted behind you, even if you have no intention of taking it.

Just because he says that you've been mean to him all along doesn't necessarily mean he's been silently stewing this whole time. He could just be overwhelmed at the moment and not handling it well.

I'm glad you are taking the high road, and I hope he will join you there.

[Bootsie]

The text was because we were scheduling a home health nurse appointment and I was telling her that I wanted it to just be her and I because he tends to talk over people.  It was an appointment that he didn't need to be at, but would possibly attend just because they are always together. It would have been easy to schedule when he was going to be at work, and he wouldn't have needed to know my reason.  I wanted it to be just the two of us and I needed her availability for the appt.  She is 18 and we talk by text ALL the time.  We have very different work schedules, I have a other kids to work around, she is rarely home, plus she is a student, so it just makes sense to text.  When I found out he read it an was hurt by it,  I sent him a 3 paragraph text apologizing and telling him that i would make sure to bring up issues directly to him in the future.

 

ETA: The text was honest and direct. DD18 is also a direct speaker/texter so she didn't have an issue with what I said,and I think that is why she showed him (not realizing how he would take it).  He took it way, way more personally than I meant it.  It was accidentally offensive, unintentionally hurtful, and that is why I apologized. Really all it said was that he really frustrated me when he did xyz, and I didn't want him at the next appt.  I said he does it to her too, and it frustrates me.  That was it. No big deal to me, but Huge to him.

 

 

Nope, he Had to be there. It was a training session and he needed to get certified.The appointment was at my house with a home health nurse. It was purposefully scheduled for him to be there.  He is giving my daughter a lot more freedom by learning how to do this. I appreciate that he is willing and intelligent enough to learn how to access her port. (Read my most recent posts to know what this is, if you didn't already).  Before getting her port put in, my daughter was at the hospital somewhere between 32-40 times for 3 hours at a time, in 5 months, to have IVs in her arms. I was at maybe 6 of those, and he went to the rest.  A teenage boy, in his senior year of high school, spent over 100 hours at the hospital with my daughter to keep her company during her treatments.  

 

Up until this, I had no idea he had an issue with me.  I was totally blindsided by it. Aside from this, i didn't have any issues with him. He is a normal teenage kid. 

I am confused.  I thought you were telling DD that you did not want him at the appointment.  Now, I am reading that he had to be there?  Am I confusing two separate events?

[Tap]

 

Edited August 13, 2017 by Tap

[heartlikealion]

This actually is part of it. He told me as much in our conversation.  The thing is, that I have thanked him.  I have told dd how much I appreciate him. I have given them $$ multiple times to go to dinner, and said it was because how much I appreciate that he takes care of my dd.  I think there is something that I am leaving out when I thank him, that must be important to him. 

 

To me, he is doing these things for her.  Not FOR ME.  For example.  When dd was going to the hospital for IV, it was set up on Mon and Thursday after my work and her school.  I could be there and enjoyed the time with her.  Just hanging out in a hospital room, playing cards and visiting.  It was little break from the world and some one-on-one time with my daughter, who I was seeing less and less.   Then he started taking her.  I was completely fine with that, I know that as a teenager I would prefer spending time with my boyfriend too.  LOL Around that time he got mono, so most often, the nurse would put her IV in, they would just curl up in bed, and sleep until her treatment was over.  In our conversation ,he mentioned how much he was doing and that I should appreciate that it frees me up more.  But to me, it was a time that I didn't mind spending with my daughter.....so there wasn't really anything for me to appreciate from the "freeing up time' view point.  I told him several times that I appreciated him helping to prioritize her health care and spending the time with her during her treatments.....which is what I truly appreciated. 

 

He also pointed out that he missed work the day of the nurses visit. I worked very hard to schedule around his obligations and he/dd are the ones who told me that day was good.  He works for his father and only works when his father needs him.  His schedule changes daily, but I was trying to coordinate the nurse, dd, and my work schedules too.  I didn't know his dad offered him work that day.  It wouldn't have changed anything, we still would have gone ahead with the training without him and we would have just trained him ourselves.  He seemed to expect that I appreciated what he sacrificed to be there.....but I had no way of knowing AND it was his choice, not mine to attend. 

 

In another part of the conversation, he said he couldn't talk to me a certain way because I was an adult, with a position of power over him (access to my daughter) and he was not (an adult equal to me). I was asking him to tell me when I offended him in real time, and he said he couldn't do that, because it would be disrespectful. I told him I was giving him permission to do so, but he still declined.  I treat dd18 and ds22 as adults.  They make their own decisions, they live their own lives. I feel from out conversation that he feels like he comes from the line of thinking of 'respect your elders and do what they tell you'.  I am not that type of parent. I raise my children by coming alongside them and helping to guide them.  The respect my kids give me is earned by action and wisdom, not because I am older than they are.  From what he says, his mother's family is very religious. He also went to a strict private school until 10th grade.  I am thinking that part of our issue is rooted in this difference. I want to treat him as an equal (relative to a 19yos experiences in life).....but he doesn't doesn't see me that way, he sees me as a parent.

 

ETA: I have no issue with his faith, education or families style of parenting.  My own kids attended some years at private schools, and my son is a Pastor. I, personally just don't parent that way, due to my personality. Like the fact that I don't have a lot of rules in my house,  because I Suck at enforcing rules. LOL Why have them, if you aren't going to use them. The few rules I have, mean something to me and I know I am willing to enforce. I don't like conflict so I choose my battles carefully.  Everything else pretty much rolls off my back

 

That's probably what he wants to be thanked for, and you aren't doing it or don't want to because you don't really appreciate it. He needs to know, gently, that you enjoy those one on one visits with your dd. He needs that spelled out by someone. My dh and MIL sometimes would shop together when we lived closer to them. It was torture for me the one or two times I went along. They would spend hours in the grocery store and when I tried to split up to hurry up the trip they acted insulted. One time I said something to my FIL about grocery shopping and he said to me privately, but you know, it's their way of spending time together. I guess I kinda knew that, but hearing it said aloud made it click more?

 

You and your dd are bonding when you're alone at the hospital playing cards. Perhaps one of you could spell that out for him and he wouldn't feel inclined to "help" free up your schedule. Maybe find another way he could help if he's seeking to help. Maybe he is secretly trying to people please and wondering why no one seems to appreciate it. Yes, you thank him, but it sounds like he might have been seeking "thank you" specifically for the times he "covered" for you.

Edited August 3, 2017 by heartlikealion

[Tap]

 

Edited August 13, 2017 by Tap

[mytwomonkeys]

My father-in-law's wife & I did not get along when I first met her (my husband didn't get along with her either). We viewed her as passive-aggressive and rude and she views herself as direct and just being honest. The reality, we all just needed time to figure out one another's personalities. Over the years we've learned what topics are safe and there are certain ones we avoid. We've mastered the art of response and not taking things personally. I think with your dd's boyfriend you are handling it right. Some relationships just don't improve with conversation because the end result isn't clarification, but rather more frustration. I think realizing you and this boy may only ever have your daughter as common ground & learning to make that work for you is the best that you can do.

 

ETA - on my phone... auto correct... font is microscopic

Edited August 3, 2017 by mytwomonkeys