Letter to a superintendent re: kids with troubles at home

[kalanamak]

Anyone familiar with the workings/ law of school districts. I know some teens whose single parent has mental issues that are worsening. They live 2000 miles away. I don't know the teens that well, but there are people who care about them and are paying for school lunches. The 14 year old does the grocery shopping and she gets sent something for that as well.

 

I don't know the schools they go to, but could I write a letter to the school district (?superintendent?), enclose two copies (one for each principal) giving contact numbers for people who care about these children, explaining I'm not looking for info, but just to give resources if it seems one or the other of them is really struggling or the situation is critical (violence or pregnancy). Is this likely to go anywhere but the trash bin?? Is it likely to be helpful?

 

The two have managed to stay out of legal trouble, and seem like pretty mainstream kids, but the home life is chaotic and angry. I know that sometimes they go live with friend's parents, and a relative of mine checked in on one of those situations about a year ago, and it seemed like a stable family. I think the girl lived there several months before moving back home. In addition, I have good friends in the area who could pick up the kids, and I could have them sent out here, or to one of their relatives who might not have the time/money to go pick them up. (I think their relatives have either washed there hands of the parents, or have their head in sand.)

 

Also, since I knew the parents many years ago when they were functional, I have some things they gave to me as presents....things that may be worth a few thousand dollars. I could sell them and send the money towards the kids via cards for Old Navy, et al. Or, I could keep them and give them to the kids when they are grown up. It includes jewelry, really old Indian blankets (in good shape), a camera not worth much, and a few other things. Would money now, or nice things from parents later be good. (I don't believe they are going hungry or threadbare at this point....they live in a very caring town.) Their parents, before getting wierd, were very kind and generous to me when I was young.

 

(And I have to again say the bitterest pill to swallow in my adult life is the number of people I know who've gone bad in middle age. War, faminie, criminals, car wrecks...I was prepared for all of those, but I grew up with a sunny belief that people improve as they age, and being disabused of this notion has been a most unpleasant part of life.)

[Ria]

Is there a possibility that you could just talk to these teens yourself? Can you set up a Facebook page so they can contact you directly if they need help?

 

Ria

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I see this sort of thing in my work and it's so sad.

 

I have no faith in school districts and would send the letters directly to the principals if you can. In our local school, those kids would be watched out for and fed if necessary, and cut some slack if they needed it.

 

Unless the things have some sort of sentimental value, I'd buy gift cards.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

When I was a teen, I had no idea that my parents' friends really cared about. It wasn't until I had my own children, that I figured that out that just because I didn't know them, they certainly knew and cared for me.

 

Perhaps touching base with them and sharing a bit of your history with them, they might feel like they had another person who cared.

[Harriet Vane]

I would consider talking directly to the teens, as others have suggested, and I would try to get in touch with the people who are local and have had a role in the teens' lives. You mentioned at least one family with whom one teen stayed? Why not them? They would be most familiar with the teens' situation and might be able to provide some guidance on how to focus your care and concern.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

This is a fierce and teary virtual hug ((((((thank you)))))) for wanting to help. I hope you find the right way to do so.

[WTMCassandra]

(And I have to again say the bitterest pill to swallow in my adult life is the number of people I know who've gone bad in middle age. War, faminie, criminals, car wrecks...I was prepared for all of those, but I grew up with a sunny belief that people improve as they age, and being disabused of this notion has been a most unpleasant part of life.)

 

Boy, I sure agree with you there!

 

I don't have a lot of suggestions about your situation. I think a letter to the principal might be nice, but who's to say whether it will help.

 

About the items you could sell, do you think they need the money more now or later? I'm thinking . . . if either of them go to college, they might need the money more then. Or, if they don't, when they strike out on their own they might need it more. Or maybe I'm completely offbase and they need it now!;) If they need it now, I think gift cards are the safest.

[Adrianne]

As far as the money, may be you could sell the gifts and open savings accounts. If they have money now, enough to feed and cloth them, the money will come in handy later after high school. I doubt they can save money now and they will appreciate your gift later.

 

As far as doing something to help them, I agree with contacting them directly to let them know you care. They definitely need love and support right now.

 

The school might already be aware of their situation but if not, sending them a letter is a good idea. IMO it is always better to do an act of kindness than not in these situations.

 

:grouphug: Good for you for trying to help!!

[snickelfritz]

1. Usually, school officials are mandated reporters of abuse. They MUST, by law, report any suspicions of abuse/neglect to DHS. It's that way in our state, don't know if that's nation wide. Do you think they need intervention by social services? Are they being neglected, except for the care of neighbors and friends? The school official you notify might not have any choice except to notify DHS, which might get the children removed to foster care. That might be best, but I just don't know enough of the situation.

 

2. Because of privacy issues, I don't know if the school CAN notify you about things. Schools can't legally just give out information about students to "anybody." Some schools might look past that.

 

 

ETA: I don't really know what you should do. I'm glad you're looking into helping. I hope you figure out a way to do it.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

1. Usually, school officials are mandated reporters of abuse. They MUST, by law, report any suspicions of abuse/neglect to DHS. It's that way in our state, don't know if that's nation wide. Do you think they need intervention by social services? Are they being neglected, except for the care of neighbors and friends? The school official you notify might not have any choice except to notify DHS, which might get the children removed to foster care. That might be best, but I just don't know enough of the situation.

 

2. Because of privacy issues, I don't know if the school CAN notify you about things. Schools can't legally just give out information about students to "anybody." Some schools might look past that.

 

:iagree: What would happen here is that the letter would be read and a call would be made to Social Services. The privacy issues would prevent them from contacting anyone other than a legal guardian about issues with the children.

 

As for the gifts, I would sell them now but put the money into an interest bearing account for the children when they are grown.

[kalanamak]

1. Usually, school officials are mandated reporters of abuse. They MUST, by law, report any suspicions of abuse/neglect to DHS. It's that way in our state, don't know if that's nation wide. Do you think they need intervention by social services? Are they being neglected, except for the care of neighbors and friends? The school official you notify might not have any choice except to notify DHS, which might get the children removed to foster care. That might be best, but I just don't know enough of the situation.

 

2. Because of privacy issues, I don't know if the school CAN notify you about things. Schools can't legally just give out information about students to "anybody." Some schools might look past that.

 

 

ETA: I don't really know what you should do. I'm glad you're looking into helping. I hope you figure out a way to do it.

 

 

CPS has been familiar with these kids for the last 5 years. I'm sure the schools have noted in the file "watch out for Dad, he is angry" if they have had any dealings with him in the last few years.

 

I don't think they'd talk to me honestly. They'd say everything was just peachy. They are very protective of their dad, and they have been good at buttering up CPS and "covering up" for years. I think they even do pretty well in school.

 

I'm not asking the school to notify me, but in case the tostados really hit the fan, I'd like CPS to know how to get a hold of someone rather than putting them in foster care etc. Don't people sometimes step up when a parent fails? I'd like the kids to have alternatives, even if they aren't willing to talk about it now. If they end up with the counselor, I'd like that person to say "You have alternatives, and here is a list of people who are willing to help you get away from your home situation."

 

Sigh, I'm such a social worker....

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I'm not asking the school to notify me, but in case the tostados really hit the fan, I'd like CPS to know how to get a hold of someone rather than putting them in foster care etc. Don't people sometimes step up when a parent fails? I'd like the kids to have alternatives, even if they aren't willing to talk about it now. If they end up with the counselor, I'd like that person to say "You have alternatives, and here is a list of people who are willing to help you get away from your home situation."

 

It is tricky if not impossible since you are out of state and are not family. You would have to call CPS and get more info. I would also call your local CPS and see if they have any additional info to offer.

[katilac]

Don't people sometimes step up when a parent fails? I'd like the kids to have alternatives, even if they aren't willing to talk about it now. If they end up with the counselor, I'd like that person to say "You have alternatives, and here is a list of people who are willing to help you get away from your home situation."

 

Sigh, I'm such a social worker....

 

Another vote for telling the children directly - - instead of the counselor telling them "Here is a list of people willing to help," let the kids tell the counselor. Unless I felt like the situation was urgent enough to make foster care preferable to them managing at home, I'd not send anything to the school district. I'd inform the kids that I'm a backup person, and I'd also try to inform the local adults who are helping them.

 

It sounds like they have places to go when things get too bad, and like they don't WANT to permanently move out of the home. Because they are teens, and seem to be managing fairly well, that would have a lot of sway with me, and I would pour my energy into helping them in their current situation.

 

Because you don't know the kids that well, I'd probably send a monetary gift and a letter that explains why: "Your parents were very kind to me when I was growing up, and I'd like to return the favor. Please enjoy the enclosed gift card, and let me know if there's ever any way I can help you and your sibs. Here's my contact info . . . "

 

I might mention being willing to have them for a visit, etc, but probably wouldn't dive in with "If you ever want to move out, come here!" One, the kids probably wouldn't be comfortable with that from a relative stranger, and two, I wouldn't be comfortable offering it until I knew the kids better - I wouldn't place my own kids in potential danger to help other kids. I'd build the relationship as well as possible over time; a lot is possible via letters and emails.

[Danestress]

To think that CPS would consider placing kids with a non-member family 2000 miles away. Reunification would amost certainly be the official "goal" and the children will need to be near their parents in order to continue seeing them.

[kalanamak]

To think that CPS would consider placing kids with a non-member family 2000 miles away. Reunification would amost certainly be the official "goal" and the children will need to be near their parents in order to continue seeing them.

 

 

I'm talking school contacting someone, not CPS "placing" them.

 

These kids are not 5, they are pushing 17 and 15. The 17 year old drives the two everywhere. I want them to know they have support without a list of people in their possession for dad to find, read, and flip out over. Dad could be arrested for any number of things, and they may end up homeless, as he seems to have no income. It is hard to send them money because he takes it. I think they get by by bumming off of friend's.

 

Addiction killed their mother and has given them a dark life, and I think they are bound up in it, unable to see how bad it is because it has been their whole life. Part of why they deny there is a problem is because their whole life has been this...it isn't a problem, it is their life. At some point, they could end up in the school counselor's office pregnant, homeless, in trouble, suicidal, and I'd like SOMEbody to know whom to call. This is what I'm trying to accomplish.

Honestly, Dad doesn't want them anymore....

[Danestress]

But until they are adults, they are children. You won't be able to have them come live with you and go to school and get health benefits or any of those things without legal status. And you won't get that legal status because the school had a list of places the kids could go. I absolutely understand why you wish it would work - that the superintendent would file such a letter and have the discretion to help the kids at just the right moment.

 

But of course it doesn't work that way. He doesn't know you are a great Mom. He could not possibly be free from worry that you are a wacko. Can you imagine him slipping that letter to a kid and saying, "Okay, these people would love to have you" and then the kids traveling 2000 miles, and then you being a predator?

 

I think your best option is still just to contact the kids. Soon, the 17 year old will be 18 and he or she can do as he pleases.

[kalanamak]

But until they are adults, they are children. You won't be able to have them come live with you and go to school and get health benefits or any of those things without legal status. And you won't get that legal status because the school had a list of places the kids could go. I absolutely understand why you wish it would work - that the superintendent would file such a letter and have the discretion to help the kids at just the right moment.

 

But of course it doesn't work that way. He doesn't know you are a great Mom. He could not possibly be free from worry that you are a wacko. Can you imagine him slipping that letter to a kid and saying, "Okay, these people would love to have you" and then the kids traveling 2000 miles, and then you being a predator?

 

 

I'm just one small end-of-the-line option. They have a much older brother overseas who would be the optimal placement, but, per "ex friends" of dad, who has alienated everyone, dad talks "pie in the sky" to the brother and he doesn't know how bad it is.

 

This is a rural state. When I was in high school, my home ec teacher was married to a policeman, and more than once my folks got a call from her asking if her husband could bring over a teen for the night or weekend while the home situation cooled down. No CPS, just a place to stay. At one point, after another classmate of mine was beaten once again by step-dad, my extremely law abiding mother gave him the money to run away with. I actually bumped into him when we were 20, and he was in college studying law enforcement. He impressed my mother with his stupendous chess skills. His younger brother committed suicide while living at home. It was that bad, and my, again...extremely law abiding mother, had the sense to realize it was death or running away.

 

In my town, now, there is a doc who, when he moved out here THREE teens came along with him. They were friends of his kids, all had horrible home lives, all three just came along, from Kentucky. No one went looking for them. I used to home visit with a woman who had dementia patients in her lovely home. She had the dearest, dearest 9 year old who I sometimes saw eating brekkie before heading off to school. She told me his mother met her at a store, and after a couple of chance meets, left the 9 year old with her and left town. The woman didn't know if the mother would ever show up again. She didn't call CPS, she just mothered him. Kid adored his new house, and 2 years later he was still there. I knew another 14 year old who moved down the dirt road to live with her boyfriend's parents. She cooked and cleaned and was a joy, and at 19, they married and had a child. They housesit for me. The boy's parents just took her in because her dad was a drunk. They never did any paperwork.

 

All sorts of informal arrangements exist. We (and there is a network for these kids) just want to be able to reach them with options when the tamales hit the toaster. I think I'm going to ask an old friend back there, whom I helped daily for a year when she was 20 and a single mother, and who has often told me she "owes me", to see if she can track down the school/principal/teacher. Now that we know the dad has no money, we are anticipating homelessness, and a very angry eviction. Emails of dread are beginning to ping around...we need a game plan.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

The boy's parents just took her in because her dad was a drunk. They never did any paperwork.

 

All sorts of informal arrangements exist.

 

Yeah, but you have to think about things like enrolling the child in school, what happens if the child needs to go to the hospital? What about applying for college loans? It isn't just as simple as taking in a kid with no paperwork. A kid has to have a legal guardian in some form.

 

The 17 year old could technically emancipate himself and live anywhere he wants.

[Ellie]

Anyone familiar with the workings/ law of school districts. I know some teens whose single parent has mental issues that are worsening. They live 2000 miles away. I don't know the teens that well, but there are people who care about them and are paying for school lunches. The 14 year old does the grocery shopping and she gets sent something for that as well.

It would seem to me that since you live 2000 miles away, your letter would just be hearsay, and that the people "who care about them and are paying for school lunches" should be the ones making any reports.