UPDATE: Hard Work means nothing?

[bettyandbob]

So, confused. The director is now offering for me to be on the casting committee for all future productions. The music director even sent me a text about it saying she thinks it would be great, I would bring a different perspective.

 

What do they mean by this? Are they afraid I am going to quit so they wanted to offer me more? (I did not say anything about quitting in my email.) Or does he think I will see that my kids don't deserve better parts? (Not likely since I can tell we value certain qualities differently.) Or do they really think I would be good at casting?

 

I don't know all the facts / I'm not there, but based on some of the stuff you've said I'd wonder:

 

Is this offer being made to keep me satisfied, because they like that my family represents X dollar amount consistently paid every season, because I'm one of the few parents they can count on to do many multiples of support tasks without complaint, because my family does xyz thing that the group has come to count on. You name it. I'd just be cynical and run through the list of possible reasons they wanted me to stick around.

 

Please look for another group. Besides children's theater consider looking at various community theater program auditions, Many regular plays and musicals have a couple parts for kids for which they could audition. 

[fraidycat]

I don't know all the facts / I'm not there, but based on some of the stuff you've said I'd wonder:

 

Is this offer being made to keep me satisfied, because they like that my family represents X dollar amount consistently paid every season, because I'm one of the few parents they can count on to do many multiples of support tasks without complaint, because my family does xyz thing that the group has come to count on. You name it. I'd just be cynical and run through the list of possible reasons they wanted me to stick around.

 

Please look for another group. Besides children's theater consider looking at various community theater program auditions, Many regular plays and musicals have a couple parts for kids for which they could audition.

This would be my reaction as well.

 

If it were me, I'd be looking for new opportuntities that are actual opprtunities for my kids. It sounds like yours have outgrown the level available to them at this group.

Edited July 21, 2017 by fraidycat

[Plagefille]

UPDATE:

You are were all right and I was an idiot for not listening to you. I feel like it is time to cut ties with this theater group, but my girls don't want to. It will be hard, but it is probably time. 

I realized I am Christi or Kelly from Dance Moms, I keep taking my kids back when it is not the right environment. At least he is not verbally abusive... Yet. Who knows it may happen because he apparently really doesn't like me.

LONG STORY: (for anyone who wants to hear me babble and then give advice at the end)

So, I was fully prepared to cut ties after the show my post was about. Then like stated in the last post, he asked me to be on the casting committee. I still have no idea why, he is not a good communicator. He also took our whole board to go to a play. I guess I felt bad dropping then, so we decided to give it one last try.

Our next show was a musical review last winter and everything went well. The main director could not be at auditions because something came up. The rest of us did the cast as a committee, everything went well (only a few disagreements), and my girls got some good parts.

I then did not hear anything from the director for a while. Then the next show was announced. I was confused because I didn't know anything about it, and a few days later the whole board was dismissed. He said they just wanted to restructure and not have a board, but have volunteers just per show. I was totally fine with it! I was  actually a little relieved and thought it was a good idea. 

Since we thought we were in a better place and my girls wanted to stay with this group, we signed up for this show. Then I received a text asking why I signed up and paid because he wanted me to help with costumes and my daughter to help with choreography in exchange for the fee. I was confused and wondered why I wasn't told sooner. Yes, as my husband pointed out the director and I have horrible communication.

We were out if town for auditions and had to do video. Yet, my girls got really great parts. I realize now, that at this point I should have expressed gratitude... Definitely I could have been better. My one daughter was a lead and the other daughter was a larger part. It seemed as if everything was going fairly well. I even printed all the programs last minute for them when asked.

I do have to mention that while my girls did get good parts and we were grateful, the other main leads from the last two shows were mostly the same kids. There are favorites that get leads everytime, and it frustrates me that other kids (not necessarily mine) do not get more opportunities.

Now to our current show. When sign ups were sent out, I received a text asking what audition time I wanted and that they would take care of the signup for us. I am not sure why, because there is no longer a board who received free signups in exchange for volunteer hours, but I thought maybe it was to make up for the last show I helped with. I realize now I should have asked for more information.

Then the day before auditions I was asked to be on the audition committee again. I said yes and then spent three days watching and judging. We were told that we were not casting any of the leads from the last show as leads this time. We discussed the main leads, cast most of them, but couldn't agree on the others. We ran out of time and everyone left.

He and his wife, I am assuming, I don't know for sure, finished the casting and I when saw it I was shocked! Many leads were different from our discussions, some were not even kids we were talking about. Kids who I thought we had all agreed on, were cast in smaller parts. Some of the best kids had small parts and some of the favorites has good parts. One girl has a a lead or larger part every show she has done, but was one of the worst auditions. He likes her and she got a large part.

My DD, who had a lead last time, has no lines or solos this time. I was expecting that based on what he had said about leads from the last show getting small parts this time. And I thought I was okay with it. But some of the other leads from the last show got leads this time or larger parts.

I was just shocked to see no consistency. My husband says I shouldn't be shocked because it has always been like this. Luckily, my other daughter got a decent part. I was very worried that she was just going to be in the ensemble too, based on a text he had sent. But apparently he changed his mind. 

For reference, most kids usually get a line or solo. This show however, many do not have parts because he let in 30 percent more kids than was originally planned. Most kids without parts are 8 and under. My kids are both older than that.

 

I sent a text clarifying that DD was ensemble and had no lines and he responded with yes, only so many to go around. I said I understood and that I wish we had more parts for younger kids. I did not list any other frustrations.

I then got an email about how ungrateful I am and how I am always complaining and he hates casting because of me. I really have only said something twice in five years. Although I have shared mutual frustration with some other moms. I guess it wasn't mutual? Because he knows and I admit I should have kept my mouth shut. 

So I really needed to get that off my chest. I think it is time to move on, but my girls want to do this show, and I don't like dropping out after being cast. However, if anyone made it this far, I need advice on how to gracefully repair the damage the director and I have so that we can get through this show and leave on good terms.

 

 

 

[mathnerd]

"Ungrateful" for what?? That is a wrong word for him to have used. Your kids auditioned (i.e. put in work, prepared, performed and got a part, and it seem that you volunteered and spent your time with this group as well) and they did not get a role in exchange for undying gratitude from their mother. Why does he have the attitude that he is handing out some largesse and that the receivers should express gratitude? Your kids are expected to study their parts, attend rehearsals, work with others, perform on stage in exchange for "Earning" their parts. The attitude of the director sucks. If he is saying that "he hates casting" because of you, then, he is behaving unprofessionally. The job of a director is to find the right cast and if he hates his job, there is not much you can do about it!

For now, be silent and also refrain from commenting further to other parents. When this show is over, tell the director that your kids are taking a break from doing theater and that you will get in touch with him later and move on to fresh pastures. I suggest not to give any reasons or explanations to anyone, including the other moms. It looks like he is not mature or professional and will abuse you for "making him hate his job" again or something even worse. I firmly believe that anything worth doing is worth doing well - in the case of your kids, think of how much they will benefit, learn and grow if they are with a group that was run well, fair, friendly, encouraging and supportive of all the kids? That will give you the impetus to find other opportunities.

[Plagefille]

47 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Grateful for what exactly? The lead roles last time or parts this time? 

I feel like he is trying to make you feel bad so you’ll go with the flow. I don’t know what is going on. Do you trust the other moms? Maybe they know. At this point I’d feel like an outsider and not want anything to do with this. I would either a) clarify that my comment was not meant to portray ungratefulness and stay in the show or b) make clarification and bow out. 

*clarifying that the discussions and guidelines seemed to be ignored and pointless and therefore casting was not fair to those with expectations based on those guidelines. Not sure how to tactfully say this. (Did all parents know the guidelines or only those on committee?) 

I’m sorry it sounds like it’s so disorganized. I’m not sure I could have hung in there five years. 

If you’re ungrateful (which I guess you could argue either way) then you’re not alone. He expected you guys to waste your time on auditions just to ignore/veto much of the consensus?? 

No time for this dude. Move on. 

My DH said the same thing. He thinks the director just wanted us there so it looks legitimate to the other parents. 

I only have complained to two mothers and one of their daughters. I thought since they brought up the unfair casting, it was safe to talk with them. But I guess not. I am pretty sure I know which mom said something to the director, but I don't think she would have tattled, more that it has come up in conversations.

[Plagefille]

12 minutes ago, mathnerd said:

"Ungrateful" for what?? That is a wrong word for him to have used. Your kids auditioned (i.e. put in work, prepared, performed and got a part, and it seem that you volunteered and spent your time with this group as well) and they did not get a role in exchange for undying gratitude from their mother. Why does he have the attitude that he is handing out some largesse and that the receivers should express gratitude? Your kids are expected to study their parts, attend rehearsals, work with others, perform on stage in exchange for "Earning" their parts. The attitude of the director sucks. If he is saying that "he hates casting" because of you, then, he is behaving unprofessionally. The job of a director is to find the right cast and if he hates his job, there is not much you can do about it!

For now, be silent and also refrain from commenting further to other parents. When this show is over, tell the director that your kids are taking a break from doing theater and that you will get in touch with him later and move on to fresh pastures. I suggest not to give any reasons or explanations to anyone, including the other moms. 

Thank you for your thoughts and helpful advice. I was feeling pretty awful after his email, thinking that I was a horrible person because of a few complaints. I have put in countless hours for this company because I care about what my kids care about. I was not trying to earn anything. Well, maybe I liked the show fee being scholarshiped because of my work.

[Plagefille]

Usually the 4 a.m., After a long day, after a long weekend, after a long and emotional week, is not the best time to write an important email, but I felt so much clarity as I wrote it. I now feel at peace.

After reading and pondering all the advice on this thread, I was able to write an email I believe will allow us to complete this show and leave gracefully and on good terms.

After spending a paragraph thanking him for the opportunity to be a part of his company, I basically explained that my frustration had more to do with MY volunteering roles and my role in the casting committee. I explained that I must not understand my role and was therefore frustrated with the casting in general, not necessarily what is specific to my girls. I then stated that I would like to step away from my role in volunteering. Granted I have no idea what my role was since he basically fired us last spring but then introduced us in our old roles when we helped cast last week! Seriously poor organization and communication. I was kind, yet honest. But not brutally honest like his email to me today! That would have just burned the bridge down.

Hopefully now we can get through this play and then move on. Now to just convince my girls. They love musical theater and this company, so it will not be easy. 

 

 

[klmama]

I hope the rest of the show goes well and your dds have a good experience this time. 

There is always some level of politics in theater, so you may be jumping from one frustrating situation to another by going elsewhere, but at least there's a better chance your dds will be evaluated for what they bring to the stage currently.  Keep in mind that directors in your area know each other and they do talk, so you will want to go into a new theater with a positive attitude and not verbalize any specific complaints about the last place - if asked why you left, just say, "We're looking for new opportunities."  

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

This is hard but it is also an opportunity to build gracious professionalism and resilience and the ability to cut your losses and move on cheerfully in your kids.  Those are all valuable life skills.