amsunshine Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 (edited) nm Edited September 19, 2016 by amsunshine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lanalouwho Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 I'm going to have your back on this one. The fact that you are friends is the only reason she thought it was appropriate to try to convince you. Instead, she should be using this as an opportunity to teach her son about respecting a girl's decisions and only doing what she is comfortable doing. Sent from my HTCD200LVW using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amsunshine Posted September 19, 2016 Author Share Posted September 19, 2016 You are not wrong, but it sounds like she is really terrified that someone might think her son has any potential to be...."less than a gentleman." I am going to suggest getting together with her in person and having a generalized heart to heart. You have 2 girls, she has 1 son and everyone is approaching an age where things could get REAL dramatic real fast. I am imagining that lots of things could happen if her son does start dating one of your daughters, then they break up. Or even worse, they break up and he starts dating one of your girls friends....or someone else even that he starts bringing to the family events. OR, what if this puppy love crush does start to develop into something really serious....again, all that could start to create lots of drama pretty quick. Yeah, I think now is a good time to get together in person with the other parents and start to discuss how everyone feels about all those different scenarios, and also make sure everyone is reassured that no one is afraid of anyone's kids either. Thank you. This is exactly the kind of feedback I needed -- to consider my friend's point of view and take it into consideration. I agree that a heart to heart would be a great idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 My only issue is that the two of you were communicating via text, I think? Sometimes tone of voice, the "I'm firm in my resolve", does not come across via text and she may have felt you were waffling. If it was a live convo then she was overstepping because it should have been apparent that you were sure (as long as you didn't do a lot of waffling and apologizing). I have a friend who often does this to me when we text. She's just sure she can convince me to change my mind because in her opinion it's not a big deal. It's usually why I have to be very clear and use plain-speak, "No, DD can not go, it is IMO dangerous/inappropriate (or whatever fits the crazy thing she wants to do)..... there is no give on this". I try not to apologize for my choice, instead I'll wrap it up with an "I'm sure you understand". Also, it is totally within you and your DD's right to do what makes you comfortable, although I will say you should warn your DD to expect that he will ask someone else to his dance. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amsunshine Posted September 19, 2016 Author Share Posted September 19, 2016 Yep. Dd13 said no. End of story. I agree with the bolded. I do think this is really important, too. Which is why I tried to emphasize it. Thank you! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amsunshine Posted September 19, 2016 Author Share Posted September 19, 2016 My only issue is that the two of you were communicating via text, I think? Sometimes tone of voice, the "I'm firm in my resolve", does not come across via text and she may have felt you were waffling. Yes, it was text. And, no, I did not waffle or apologize. She just started in with giving me additional details and asking if these details change my mind. If anything, I might have come across as too abrupt or non-yielding about the matter. I'll have to review my responses to make sure I'm not giving her the idea I think her son is a maniac, or something, because that couldn't be farther from the truth. In the moment, I felt I was just trying to reiterate my dd's feelings and our family position on dating at her age. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 Yes, it was text. And, no, I did not waffle or apologize. She just started in with giving me additional details and asking if these details change my mind. If anything, I might have come across as too abrupt or non-yielding about the matter. I'll have to review my responses to make sure I'm not giving her the idea I think her son is a maniac, or something, because that couldn't be farther from the truth. In the moment, I felt I was just trying to reiterate my dd's feelings and our family position on dating at her age. Yeah, it's hard with text. My friend (whose DD used to be friends with my DD) also does the same, trying to change my mind. If you were firm then she overstepped and you may have to hash out that particular minefield in person (it can turn to a form of bullying if left alone). I'm overly polite in most situations like that and have gotten myself in trouble with trying to make excuses and apologizing.... I've found that with this particular friend that only leaves the door open for more cajoling/bullying on her part. I've had to get "tough" but keep a sense of humor about my dealings with her, some of her shenanigans have left me astounded (trying to get DD to go places/do things there's no way I'd be okay with) but luckily my DD, like yours, knows the boundaries and won't cross them no matter what the friend says. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 I understand why you are uncomfortable, but I would view it more as her showing you that she was involved and was doing her part to make sure the situation was safe for your daughter. I'd also assume her son was disappointed and asked his Mom to chat to you. Dd15 recently went on a date I was initially uncomfortable with (week night, large venue, in the city) and his mother did contact me to confirm all the arrangements. While that was after I had ok'ed the outing, it was good to know she was involved and taking full responsibility for the kids' wellbeing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amsunshine Posted September 19, 2016 Author Share Posted September 19, 2016 Good points! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amsunshine Posted September 19, 2016 Author Share Posted September 19, 2016 Thanks so much everyone! I appreciate all the input -- I definitely need to keep in mind my friend's perspective a little more while making sure I am clear about my limits. This was really helpful. Deleting the op now.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lulubelle Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 It seems you may have opened the door of possibilities when he can go to her dance, but she can't go to his. It's either no dating or there is. You seem to be giving the impression that you want it both ways. It isn't clear cut. I wouldn't be offended by your friend at all. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 I agree with the PP who said she was terrified with the idea of anyone being uncomfortable with her son. I don't think she was trying to be manipulative, at least not consciously. She simply has a mental block when it comes to... uh... reality. Not uncommon in parents of new high school kids I think. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amsunshine Posted September 19, 2016 Author Share Posted September 19, 2016 It seems you may have opened the door of possibilities when he can go to her dance, but she can't go to his. It's either no dating or there is. You seem to be giving the impression that you want it both ways. It isn't clear cut. Really? Ok. You are probably right. Ugh! I am so new to this. I felt that when we are talking about dating, it is one on one in a situation unchaperoned by one of her family members, but I definitely see your point. Do you have any suggestions for me? Should we call the whole thing off? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 Really? Ok. You are probably right. Ugh! I am so new to this. I felt that when we are talking about dating, it is one on one in a situation unchaperoned by one of her family members, but I definitely see your point. Do you have any suggestions for me? Should we call the whole thing off? No, don't call it off. You agreed with a scenario you were all comfortable with, this is a safe and healthy situation. Let it be, 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lulubelle Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 You and your daughter need to discuss it. Not sure where to go from here. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Imo, your DD should stick to her "no". I don't think this has to strain any friendships though. I'm noticing that homecoming is becoming an even bigger deal...now "Hoco" invites are elaborate. I've also have noticed that some moms are very into it all. Perhaps it's a huge deal at his school and his mom is just trying to help along the "perfect high school experience" for her son. Kwim? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xahm Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 I would text her and say "I think we are talking past each other via text. Want to come over/go out for coffee/etc?" Then you can have a friendly face to face where you feel relaxed. Explain how you feel about the difference between the two dances. Let her know that if your daughter wants, she'll be allowed to go to the high school dance when she's whatever age and that you'll be pleased if she chooses someone as good as your friend's son when that time comes. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amsunshine Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 Yes, one of the things my friend said to me was that she just realized that her son's dance was Homecoming, and did that change my mind at all? Ummm, no. New developments last night. Now her son is asking dd why she can't go to both dances. And his mom is telling me that her son's school is just a nerdy school, so it will be fine. :banghead: I don't care if it's a school full of aspiring nuns and priests. We just need to (gently) stick to our guns. Thanks all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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