Carol in Cal. Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 Please don't go into this meeting with the expectation that you are going to be able to set everything right. It is very possible that the leadership will not believe you, either. Make sure you stay very calm and focussed on the right things. Don't let yourself get emotional, particularly angry. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 Be brave. Your listeners will probably make every effort to affirm the other parties by making you feel foolish. They may appear to write off everything you say, and they may tell you the 'reasons' they don't plan to take this seriously. It's still something worth enduring: just to try to get some wisdom through the static (which they will probably absorb by forgetting where the idea came from and appropriating it as their own). When these meetings go well, they can go very well... But when they go badly, they hurt. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 How do they do that? Have a bouncer at the door? Telling someone they aren't welcome doesn't stop them from coming if they choose to. In the situation I knew of, there was no particular recourse the leadership of the church could take, as the person chose to continue attending out of spite. Sure, they didn't have any leadership roles anymore (etc.), but attendance is open to the public. ETA: I understand grace for sin and repentance, this situation really included no repentance and continual spite and vicious behavior. Nothing illegal, though. Churches are privately held entities. The church's representative can tell an individual to leave the premises and not return. If the individual refuses, he's trespassing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 The guy is allowed to go to church, no matter who he is or what he has done (assuming not incarcerated). You are not required to be friends with him. All you can do for the Pastor is pray, if you believe he is deceived by this man, and of course, report any actual incident you observe, or evidence that comes your way. If the Pastor is indeed deceived, it will come out. Said gently, but though I might well articulate my concerns in an evidentiary way (not with emotionally charged words), it really isn't your place to correct the Pastor. Someone over him should correct him, though it is certainly good to share concerns you have, based on your relationship with the wife, if an opening occurs. If the wife is out of the situation, then she is safe, right? All else will come out. Everyone thinks they will get away with everything, yet everything is eventually exposed. "Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops." Luke 12:3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 Then I would just kind of co-exist. He does his thing at church and you do yours. You don't talk about what he did in his past and just be cordial acquaintances if you happen to directly cross paths. We are required to forgive everyone (which I think is more for us than them). We are not required to trust them. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 (edited) How do you figure that? It is easy enough to be polite but distant. The unpleasantness will come when he starts dating someone else you know. I think she is saying that how this man treats the OP, knowing what she knows about him, will say everything about his state of repentance. If he is hostile, he has not repented. If he is humble over time (not just once), well, she will see, sooner or later. Edited September 15, 2016 by TranquilMind Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 Btw, the boy who was molested in our church has had issues with drugs and alcohol ever since and jas been in and out of jail. This is only ONE victim. These low lifes have shatter3d too many lives. I had to forgive for myself, but I do hope one day they get what they deserve, and I am not talking just their life sentences without parole. During their yrials, their mother died. They oftentimes brought their victims to the family lake home. These forgiveness threads make me sick. OP, I am sorry, I don't mean to offend. For you, you simply act polite and keep your distance. Try not yo rehash all this in your head as I obviously do. This has forever scarred me. The police called our family and spebt time interviewing us because of all the pics of my son on his computer. I am sick to my stomach just thinking about this. I forgave for my oeace but I always have something like this come up and stir emotions because I am forever scarred and will never forget. And we are one of the lucky families. I think the biggest problem (and that it is *woefully* common) is people often equate forgiveness with absolution of responsibility. uh, no. we forgive so it doesn't live in our head. (because that harms us.) that doesn't mean we don't turn it over to God, enact boundaries, or bring in law enforcement if appropriate. it most especially does NOT mean - we willingly hand over the tools for an abuser to abuse us (or heaven forbid - our children). forgiveness =/= absolution! that just makes me sick. I wonder if those who invite in, and stand aside while known abusers harm children (while claiming how loving and forgiving they are to embrace the abuser - gag me with a spork.) realize that Jesus's condemnation of those who harm children being better off cast into the depths of the sea, includes them . . . . (and in some ways they're worse - they're in a position to prevent it, but self-righteously let it happen.) Forgiving doesn't = trusting. It doesn't equal putting yourself in danger. It doesn't equal allowing others to be in danger. I see zero reason why you can't warn those who should be warned. this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cintinative Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 Well, it's done. I appreciate those who have prayed. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 I hope it went well. These things are so difficult to handle well, but I think you made the right choice in talking with the pastor, whatever the outcome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 FWIW, I was aware of a situation where someone had done some pretty awful things, but still attended the church. It was frustrating, but the staff explained that the church is a public space, and anyone who is not breaking the law is allowed to be there. The staff of the church doesn't really have control or power over those who attend - they only have the authority that people choose to give them. They can't make anyone do anything. They can't force anyone to do counselling, or not come anymore. From what I was told, it is not legal for them to do so. They can make suggestions and encourage things, but they can't actually "do" anything about situations like this. We have contact with someone in child protection and I mentioned this was our understanding and at least in the case of sex offenders this is not true. You can contact police and ask that they be removed. At least where I live. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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