BMW Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 This is hard! I mentioned before, weeks ago, that I have an 18yog who lives at home and attends college and expects to be driven back and forth... She won a couple of scholarships and we paid for her classes up front, then were supposed to be reimbursed when the scholarships paperwork and receipts were put through ($600.00). She left all the paperwork at her boyfriends house and they broke up and she is just not wanting to get that back and process it... after all... it was not HER money lost... it was ours... She has a cell phone that is paid on my account and she is supposed to pay me for it monthly. She is always late paying for it. She was supposed to pay me for it on Friday, when she got paid (she works anywhere from 8-20 hours weekly). She paid for her new boyfriend's hunting license and I got a $20.00 bill (she owed $100.00). She is supposed to take her driving test and we expect her to pay for her insurance, which will be $88.00 each month. But she already doesn't pay her cell phone bill... so I can't imagine she'll suddenly pay this bill... She has a bus pass (free) from the college. She expects me to drive her. I am busy! I am homeschooling a 6th grader, who needs uninterrupted time... besides... what if I had a job outside the home?? What about all her irresponsibilities... Not to mention that she gave up work hours over this past weekend to go with friends to a major city nearby. She called me a while ago from college. I drove her this morning. She asked if I was picking her up (at noon - interrupting her brother's education). I said no, that she needed to take the bus. (she has refused this method of transportation so far... always weasels out of it) So, She says that her bus pass is in her "other" jacket, at home. When I don't agree to pick her up, she gets nasty with me and I hang up the phone. So, I am here at home, not getting her, not knowing what she'll do. I am deciding that it's time for dh and I to sit her down and clearly explain a few things.... So, kick me in the rear and help me come up with some rules for this girl who expects to be treated like an adult (she wants to maker her own decisions socially and have a midnight curfew and live here rent free). So far, what I've come up with is: Unless it is pouring rain, take the bus to all college classes. I will provide rides home from work when it is dark. She will be taken to cell phone company and get her own account with her own bill, I will not pay for it at all in the future. She will be required to pay $50.00 per month until the $600.00 college fee is returned to us, or prove that she has submitted it for payment. She may not get her license until she has 3 months of car insurance paid to us in advance... I just don't trust her! But our car insurance company requires that as soon as she gets her license, she is added on, mandatory, because she lives here. Am I missing something?? What social rules are appropriate for an 18yog?? Ugh... this is my first to come of age... Thanks, Bee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 I think you should cut off a lot more such as all rides. She should ride the bus no matter what. Maker her pay for the pay-as-you go phones. Cancel her off your cell phone contract. :grouphug: Don't pay for ANYTHING if you can help it. :grouphug: C'mon, you can do it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 No advice, just hugs, and you can do it! Sounds to me like a serious conversation needs to be had about expectations: yours and hers! Good Luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Anyhow, time for her to grow up. My sixth grader wanted to go to school this year and one of the agreements was that I would not drive her to school. If she wants to go she rides the bus. If she misses the bus, she misses school and explains to the school herself. It is her responsibility. If my sixth grader can manage it then your college student can as well. You take the cell phone until it is paid up and she only keeps it as long as she makes payments. The paid in advance for insurance is a good idea. Also she pays for what she already owes you for classes already taken or you don't help next semester. I am normally a softy but you really aren't doing her any favors but coddling her. It is time for her to realize that she is a grown up and responsible for herself. Time to sit her down and explain it to her in no uncertain terms. If you don't your resentment is going to build and leag to very strained relations between the two of you that could be avoided. Trust me she will thank you later. You can do this. Good luck. :thumbup1::grouphug: and they didn't have a high five so how about this guy. :seeya: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 who expects to be treated like an adult (she wants to maker her own decisions socially and have a midnight curfew and live here rent free). Adults don't live rent-free. Children live rent-free. Sounds like she wants the responsibilities of a child and the privileges of an adult. That's not a healthy combination. (Of course, my oldest turns 13 today, so I do realize this is not as easy to live as it is to armchair parent.) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell in SC Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Don't even get me started on this! I think yours and mine are clones. . .except that mine doesn't go to school and has her drivers license. DH has ALWAYS spoiled her and has cause much tension between us over the years. This is exactly where I knew it would wind up. She has no skills, can't (sorry. . .won't) keep a job, etc, etc. Sorry I'm digressing yet again. . .this is about you not me. . . You asked about house rules. . . 1. Yes she is 18, but if she's living in your house. . .out of respect for you, a curfew is not unreasonable. During the week DD's is 11pm. DH and I both get up for work in the mornings and 11 is when we go to bed. She must be home b/c when she walks in the door, dogs start barking, doors start slamming. . .you get the picture, and if we're sleeping when that happens. . .it's not pretty. 2. If she's living in the house, it's also not unreasonable to ask her to do her share of the chores. In our case it's to work off her monthly $150 car ins that DH insists we pay (even though we can't afford it. . .again. . .sorry this is about you not me) 3. It's your car. . .she needs to respect that. . .she's not entitled to a ride back and forth (especially if there's publuic trans avail. . .what I wouldn't give for that!!!!) or the use of the car to go to Walmart. If she's needs a car to do those things, she should get her own. There's a few more, but I think this is getting long. . .I'll save those! I'd appreciate any advice you could share cause, like I said, I'm really right there with you!!!! shell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell in SC Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 If you don't your resentment is going to build and leag to very strained relations between the two of you that could be avoided. Trust me she will thank you later. You can do this. Good luck. :thumbup1::grouphug: and they didn't have a high five so how about this guy. :seeya: She is so right. . .DD and I are already there. And that just adds to DH's reasons to do things for her. . .thus creating more tension. . . thus adding more reason for DH to coddle her. . .thus creating more tension. . . you get the point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Well, I am probably of the softiest softies around here, but your post almost made me laugh out loud! I think you're right that you need to get much tougher. I think all your plans sound good; however, I'd be aware that the "rides home after dark" thing may come back to bite you. She sounds like the kind of kid who may find lots of ways to make it home after dark suddenly. IMO, she won't learn how to manage these things for herself unless she's forced to do them, and I'm saying this as someone who was very much like her at that age. Good luck, and stay strong! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell in SC Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 You are so right. . .I have a funny story about that too! But I'll save that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom to Aly Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Well, I am probably of the softiest softies around here, but your post almost made me laugh out loud! I think you're right that you need to get much tougher. I think all your plans sound good; however, I'd be aware that the "rides home after dark" thing may come back to bite you. She sounds like the kind of kid who may find lots of ways to make it home after dark suddenly. IMO, she won't learn how to manage these things for herself unless she's forced to do them, and I'm saying this as someone who was very much like her at that age. Good luck, and stay strong! I agree with the rides after dark--exactly what I was thinking--from now on--if she needs a ride--I would charge her, say, $5--gas + time. After dark, not after dark, whatever. Cash before she gets in the car. I'll bet that bus pass comes out a lot more often. And, when she gets her license, whose car is she going to use? Whose gas? What if there is an accident? A flat? Car runs out of gas? Also, even if she gives in the paperwork for the scholarship, is there a deadline that might have passed? Can't she get a new copy of the paperwork? And, I would have her start paying it back now, and you can reimburse her when it comes in (does the check go to her or you? I'd check on that!). One more thing--if she is living with you, I would have her doing chores--free rent, with responsibility. I have to say, when my daughter goes to college, I do plan on having her live at home if she wants to, and I hope she won't have to work, if I can afford it (I was on my own and had to work full-time throughout)--but I would never let her get away with attitude! And I'd expect lots of responsibility! If she didn't do that on her own, & I consider myself a softie, I think I'd be quite tough on her until she woke up! She is an "adult" now, as she puts it--you can tell her--life doesn't get easier, just because she turned 18!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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