Jinger s/o Helping an adult child break away

[amy g.]

So I have read Recovering Grace looking for clues to help a girl who is in her mid twenties and still kept under complete control and servitude in the name of godliness. She is not allowed to work, she is not allowed to own her own car. She is not allowed to get her haircut even if I pick her up, drop her off and pay for it. She needs to work for the family business for free, school and care for siblings and babysit outside families so she can turn the money over to her parents....who do not hold outside jobs at all.

 

I have tried just giving her space to have a safe place to go and enjoy herself, but she will come to me and want to discuss family issues. Once I told her that she needed to think about what she wanted in life because her family situation is unsustainable and will eventually crash and burn. They temporarily cut off my access to her as punishment. I wasn't able to see her again until she wrote me a 20 page letter explaining her "boundaries" I am not to ever criticize her family again.

 

I have given her cab fare and the location of 2 safe houses where my friends know about her situation and will get her a ticket and put her on a plane to me. I've told her that if she comes to me, I will get her a job and a car and a place to live. I've told her that so long as I'm alive, she will always have a place to go.

 

So, of course, I'm not allowed to see her as punishment for telling her all of this.

 

I'm not frustrated with the kid. I know how tightly she is bound. Best case, it may be decades before she takes me up on the offer.

 

I just want to know from people who may have been in her situation if there is something I can be doing to be more helpful and supportive.

[Bluegoat]

Oh, wow, that really sucks.

 

I honestly can't think of anything you could say.  I suppose - it sounds like she is discontent.  So what is it, for her specifically, that is holding her?  Religious convictions or fears, worry about siblings, something else?  THat might suggest something.

 

I think, ultimatly with these situations, it is like addiction, the person needs to make a decision, and until that happens, you can only make sure they know they can work out the logistics.

[FaithManor]

Okay, I have had more than one late teen, young adult couch surfer from similar situations. You have done the right thing. You have made the right overtures. There is nothing else you can do until she runs away. It has to come from within her because otherwise, she won't have the internal strength to stay out when the family inevitably tries to get her back.

 

Before she needs a job though, she will need a professional counselor with experience in trauma,and abuse dynamics. Often these young adults in these situations cannot relate well enough socially to be successful in the workplace without help first. She may also need tutoring to get her up to GED level as usually these families do not provide diplomas or allow the kids to attend schools that do, and probably she will not be able to fly due to lack of photo ID which is required for adults. She may also not have a birth certificate or social security number if the family belongs to the Sovereign Citizen movement or similar group. So there may be significant barriers to employment at the start.

Edited June 21, 2016 by FaithManor

[gardenmom5]

FM is right - it has to come from within herself. you can offer emotional support and encouragement about her *worth*. 

 

I could see my grandmother for what she was, for years before I finally said "enough" because I knew I would face her wrath when I did. (that can create a lot of fear and anxiety.)  I wasn't nearly as tightly controlled as this girl.   (my grandmother also seemed like she wasn't that interested in me. I always felt like a superfluous "extra", but I was still expected to be 100% deferential to her wishes.)

[amy g.]

I know that she is discontented because years ago, she told my daughter, "If I ever run away, I would come to your house, but I'm afraid your mom would send me back." My daughter assured her that I would not do that. I I told her that when an adult decides to make a move, it is called a proactive life choice. It isn't "running away" and it isn't a crime or a sin.

 

As for why she stays, part of it is not being able to really see how sick the situation is. She blames herself for getting grounded because she didn't have a "good attitude".

 

Another problem is the siblings. If you have a ton of younger siblings that you have practically raised, how do you risk leaving them behind and never being allowed to see them again unless you submit and comply.

 

I'm sure there would also be survivor's guilt. How could you be so selfish to go off and live a happy life when that just leaves your siblings with more work to do?

 

She does have a drivers license. So that is a big help. I agree about the therapy and tutoring, but I feel like a job might be a very important step in the healing process.

 

Because she is only exposed to the family's opinion of herself, I feel like if she got a entry level, minimum wage job, the positive feedback she would get from it would be a powerful contradiction to what she has been told about herself.

 

Thanks for the feedback. I don't think there is more I can do right now, but I wanted to be sure.

[FaithManor]

The sibling issue is huge. Just huge! The adult daughters feel like they are abandoning their own children. The only hope is that they eventually see that any chance of escape is generally predicated on the successful disentanglement of an older sibling so that the youngers have a role model and a contact on the outside. Sometimes they do eventually recognize that the only way to help is to give hope and courage by leaving.

[FaithManor]

As a general rule though, boys are more likely to make the break than girls due to being given more agency to begin with. Also, if she does come to you, suicide watch for several weeks is important. These young adults can be totally despondent at first. Their sense of worthlessness is profound which is coupled with a sense of overwhelming loss.

[Eliz]

I hope you don't mind if I add her to my prayer list.  Several years ago, I knew a young woman who was trapped in a very dysfunctional family situation where she was raising her siblings.  She couldn't leave even when given the opportunity.  I've lost tract of her but always hope she's okay.  It's so sad.

[Kathryn]

I expect it is the siblings that keeps her there. Just like women stay in intolerable marriages because of the children, I expect that the fear of not being able to protect the younger siblings is a strong tie. While a spouse might have a 50/50 chance or so of a judge not granting custody to an emotionally abusive partner, a sibling has an extremely low chance of escaping the situation with minor siblings. Her only chance to look out for them is to be present.

[amy g.]

Oh, man! Suicide watch is not something I ever would have thought of.

 

Thanks for the warning. I did tell her to leave her phone and tablet there so there isn't a way to reel her back in.

 

Like I said, though, I expect it to take decades of it ever happens.

 

I just want to make sure that she knows there is another option.

[FaithManor]

Oh, man! Suicide watch is not something I ever would have thought of.

 

Thanks for the warning. I did tell her to leave her phone and tablet there so there isn't a way to reel her back in.

 

 

Sorry, Amy. I just want you to know of the danger because we have btdt earned the t shirt. It is one reasom we no longer do the sheltering amymore. We have places to refer them too, but are too burned out to do more than offer resources. We only lost one, after she moved out and appeared to be doing well, but one was too much for our family and I can't put my kids through it again, much less my husband who still feels the loss very personally.

[amy g.]

I'm so sorry!!! I just can't imagine how painful that would be!

[J-rap]

I had a friend once in a similar situation, but worse.  She was allowed to go into town only once/week, to go grocery shopping.  That's when I first began hearing about what was going on, when she was able to call me on a payphone in town.  I helped her set up a private email account, which she could then quickly use at the public library after her weekly grocery trip.  It was the first time she had had real communication with anyone outside of her family in years.

 

That was the beginning of her path out.  It took about five years though from the day she first called me on the payphone.

 

Your young friend knows that you're there -- you've proven that.  All it takes is one person to help, when she decides she is ready to accept it.

 

ETA:  I lived across the country from my friend.

Edited June 21, 2016 by J-rap

[FaithManor]

A dear friend from high school got out. A girl. When she turned 18, she had yet never been allowed even inside a grocery store or a pharmacy. Actually, she had never been to a store period. Her parents were determined to keep her completely isolated until they could arrange a marriage with another ATI family. But, they needed money, big time. So they let her start babysitting for the next door neighbor for pay so long as she surrendered her money to them. The next door neighbor was a sheriff's deputy. When he figured out just what was going on, he began offering resources starting with upping her pay without her parents knowing so that she surrendered the same amount every week, but had extra to hide for herself. To be honest, often a need for money is where some of this begins because in desperation they let the young adult children work some and demand their pay. But sometimes that leads to meeting someone or gaining a resource which leads to questioning the cult, which leads to a desire to leave, which blossoms into action.

 

The relationship she formed with the deputy and his wife was invaluable. She was over 18 so they couldn't do anything through social services, but when she was ready to leave home, they offered her a room and assistance. A couple of years later she met a lovely young man, married, and moved 1500 miles away thus ending all contact with her family. She is doing well to this day. I don't get to see her, but I do get occasional emails from her. Whole, emotionally healthy, happily married, three lovely children, and a college degree now that she is very, very proud of given that she was nearly functionally illiterate when she left home.

 

It does happen. These young people though are usually the ones that have a sense of adventure and are not quite so people pleasing. Those traits really help.

[gardenmom5]

Sorry, Amy. I just want you to know of the danger because we have btdt earned the t shirt. It is one reasom we no longer do the sheltering amymore. We have places to refer them too, but are too burned out to do more than offer resources. We only lost one, after she moved out and appeared to be doing well, but one was too much for our family and I can't put my kids through it again, much less my husband who still feels the loss very personally.

 

Hugs.