Why am I harder on my kids than on others?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I know the immediate answer: I'm not responsible for other people's kids. I am supposed to be guiding my kid's behavior and habits and so I'm going to notice my ds's dirty socks but not even look at the neighbor's feet. Obviously I'm going to be assigning my children chores and assignments etc. that are at the level that I know they can handle. And I don't think it is bad per se to have high standards for them.

 

But I'm veering close to that line of being critical of all they do. Of nodding curt approval of the chores that get done but then blasting them for the chores that did not get done. Not all the time: a lot of the time I do praise them and am happily engaged with them. But it is becoming all too frequent lately. I've actually gotten very close to the "can't you do anything right" attitude and even words. And I admit that that is wrong. And I'd welcome suggestions of what would be right.

 

But would you also agree with my internal eye rolling when I ask dd6 to put away something in a clearly marked box and she puts it in the wrong box - which is suspiciously closer to the door? Or when I give ds an instruction and he only listens to the first 2 words? Is there a place for my high standards (which I really don't think are too high)? And how do I communicate that they need to do it to the higher standard without sarcasm, heavy sighs and yelling on my part?

[Zelda]

Big "I do not know" from me.

 

I just keep trying. Everyday. Falling down a lot but working hard to not become so discouraged that I give up.

 

I hope someone has a better answer.

[Erica in PA]

I know the immediate answer: I'm not responsible for other people's kids. I am supposed to be guiding my kid's behavior and habits and so I'm going to notice my ds's dirty socks but not even look at the neighbor's feet. Obviously I'm going to be assigning my children chores and assignments etc. that are at the level that I know they can handle. And I don't think it is bad per se to have high standards for them.

 

But I'm veering close to that line of being critical of all they do. Of nodding curt approval of the chores that get done but then blasting them for the chores that did not get done. Not all the time: a lot of the time I do praise them and am happily engaged with them. But it is becoming all too frequent lately. I've actually gotten very close to the "can't you do anything right" attitude and even words. And I admit that that is wrong. And I'd welcome suggestions of what would be right.

 

But would you also agree with my internal eye rolling when I ask dd6 to put away something in a clearly marked box and she puts it in the wrong box - which is suspiciously closer to the door? Or when I give ds an instruction and he only listens to the first 2 words? Is there a place for my high standards (which I really don't think are too high)? And how do I communicate that they need to do it to the higher standard without sarcasm, heavy sighs and yelling on my part?

 

I had a bad day in this exact area. I had my 8 yo in tears and my 12 yo close to it by 7:15 this morning, if you can believe it. My 8 yo was missing pieces of the legos that he needed to take to co-op this morning, after I specifically told him to leave the bag closed and in his backpack, and my 12 yo didn't bring his homework to co-op after I specifically told him which four papers to put in his backpack, and then asked him if he had put those four specific papers in there. He said yes, but after co-op I found out that he only put three of the four homework papers in his backpack; the fourth he left lying on the couch. He got a zero in class for his homework as a result, as I'd warned him he would if he didn't do as I instructed.

 

I'm praying for a better day tomorrow, for both my attitude and the kids' attentiveness.

 

Erica

[Guest janainaz]

If you are extra hard on your kids, it means you are extra hard on yourself. I see that in myself and I see what it does to them. My kids see things through kids eyes and there are times I point stuff out, but I force myself to remember their ages and what they are capable of. My son makes a good effort - I see that in him and while it does not always meet my standards of perfection (my insane standards) - I show him that it's good and I appreciate his efforts.

[GSMP]

When my children were that young, I found having them repeat the instructions back to me saved us both some heartache and misunderstandings.

 

They could not use the excuse of saying they forgot or did not understand.

 

Saved my sanity. Also making sure I have ears and eyes when giving them instructions. I found if they were not looking directly at me, they would not hear what I was telling them to do.

 

:grouphug:

[Aggie]

We have to teach this all the time here, Jean. All the time. Guess I'm a bad teacher, eh? ;)

 

We talk (or I lecture!) about what it would be like if their pediatrician did 1/2 her job, or if dh did his job part way, etc. I had the dc tell me some jobs they are thankful aren't done half-way.

 

To bring it home one day, I told dc that if their chores weren't done properly, then the next meal I fixed would be fixed with exactly the same amount of attention. I never had to do that, but I was prepared to.

 

Now, I have one dd who can complete one of my thoughts. She is incredibly responsible, alert, knowledgeable. Our younger dd, however....one day she put 4 brand new jars of mayonnaise in the FREEZER.:confused: I can tell her to bring me a pen and she will hand me a can of tuna.:lol: With her I have to speak slowly and deliberately, and she has been known to have to repeat directions so I know what she heard.

 

Don't lower your standards, maybe just change the method?

 

hth,

Aggie

[Peela]

Are you hard on yourself at all? Beyond a healthy self discipline, a willingness to see and own your own faults...do you criticise yourself, give yourself a hard time even when you know you have done your best? How loving and kind are you to you?

I think no matter our good intentions, we can only be as kind to our kids and everyone, as we are to ourselves, and most of us are pretty hard on ourselves.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Are you hard on yourself at all? Beyond a healthy self discipline, a willingness to see and own your own faults...do you criticise yourself, give yourself a hard time even when you know you have done your best? How loving and kind are you to you?

I think no matter our good intentions, we can only be as kind to our kids and everyone, as we are to ourselves, and most of us are pretty hard on ourselves.

 

Yes, I can be hard on myself. But I don't keep beating on myself. When I mess up, I own up to it and do what I can to fix it (if I can). If I can't fix it then I confess it to God (if it even is a sin) or confess it to my dh:tongue_smilie: and then move on.

 

When my kids mess up, I wish they would own up to it. The other day I found the glass smashed on a piece of artwork that my mom made for me. It can be re-framed easily so I wasn't worried about the glass per se. But I was mad that no one told me about it. For one thing, someone could have been seriously hurt during the accident or even afterwards since nothing had been cleaned up. And besides the safety issue, there was the whole taking responsibility issue. At least the 11 year old should have told me. They know that I tend to react to such accidents with a sigh and perhaps some passing irritation - so not a reaction that would cause them to hide it from me. And indeed, when I asked them about it - they sort of shrugged their shoulders and said they forgot to mention it. It just didn't seem important to them. So I guess Janainaz is right that kid's eyes see things differently than my adult eyes!

[melissel]

And how do I communicate that they need to do it to the higher standard without sarcasm, heavy sighs and yelling on my part?

 

Well, I hate to admit it, but when you figure this part out, would you let me know? My dad was the always-annoyed person in our house so I was raised with this, and though I recognize that I do it, I can't figure out how to separate myself from it enough to shut my mouth before that stuff comes out. It's a struggle, so I totally sympathize!

[klmama]

It's easy to fall into this trap, isn't it? We're like the mother cat in Milo and Otis - determined to be good mothers, planning never to yell at our kittens, but then we have a Milo. Ot two, or three....

 

I certainly don't have it all together in this area, but what I've found is that the key is sleep. You thought I was going to write "consistency," didn't you? :) Seriously, if I get a good night's sleep, I can handle my dc's immaturity much better than when I don't. I can be more consistent in remembering to check to see if they have followed through on what I have told them. I can be calmer when they don't do what I asked. I can set reasonable consequences and stay calm, even when they get upset. Seriously, sleep can do all that for me. I've noticed you stay up late here, too, so maybe that change would be helpful for you. I rknow your health issues affect your sleep, but it's worth a try! Getting enough sleep is supposed to help with weight loss, too, if that's any additional incentive! You might try using melatonin to help you go to sleep, if you still have a hard time on your own.

 

I'd also encourage you to try to find some things that you really enjoy. It's easy to take every little thing with the dc too seriously when we don't have enough fun in our lives. Do you like to dance? What if you set aside some time to crank your favorite tunes and just dance in the living room or kitchen? The endorphins might help your mood. Any exercise might help.

 

Lots of hug time helps. Let your dc know that you need hugs, too. Just like they come to you to ask for hugs, go to them to ask for one.

 

Some book suggestions for you:

Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN

 

Say Good-bye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes... in you and your kids! also by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN

 

I really like these people's books. They get it. Here's their website: http://www.biblicalparenting.org/default.asp You can sign up for free email encouragement tips from their books at the top right of the home page.

How to Discipline Kids without Losing Their Love and Respect by Jim Fay. It gives specific suggestions for what to say when your dc are out of line, while keeping the responsibility for their actions squarely on their shoulders. It's a Love and Logic book, so your library system may have it.

 

Off to get that sleep I need! I hope you'll consider it, too!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Kidlovingmama - are you psychic! How did you know that I'm not getting enough sleep? I've been more stressed lately because dh is working too much this month and is gone quite a bit. I will try to get more sleep (it is complicated because I have fibromyalgia and sleep problems come with the territory). I am taking Cal-Mag to help me to sleep. (Melatonin gives me night terrors).

[klmama]

Kidlovingmama - are you psychic! How did you know that I'm not getting enough sleep? I've been more stressed lately because dh is working too much this month and is gone quite a bit. I will try to get more sleep (it is complicated because I have fibromyalgia and sleep problems come with the territory). I am taking Cal-Mag to help me to sleep. (Melatonin gives me night terrors).

 

I knew because I"m you. :) Seriously, I can relate to lots of what you post. It just seemed that, once again, your problem must be the same as mine.

 

If you can't take the melatonin, what about making sure you get some good exercise in outside early in the day? The sun exposure in the early morning sets your body clock to sleep earlier at night.

 

Now I really am going to bed. I want to have a good day here tomorrow! Good night!

[Guest janainaz]

Yes, I can be hard on myself. But I don't keep beating on myself. When I mess up, I own up to it and do what I can to fix it (if I can). If I can't fix it then I confess it to God (if it even is a sin) or confess it to my dh:tongue_smilie: and then move on.

 

When my kids mess up, I wish they would own up to it. The other day I found the glass smashed on a piece of artwork that my mom made for me. It can be re-framed easily so I wasn't worried about the glass per se. But I was mad that no one told me about it. For one thing, someone could have been seriously hurt during the accident or even afterwards since nothing had been cleaned up. And besides the safety issue, there was the whole taking responsibility issue. At least the 11 year old should have told me. They know that I tend to react to such accidents with a sigh and perhaps some passing irritation - so not a reaction that would cause them to hide it from me. And indeed, when I asked them about it - they sort of shrugged their shoulders and said they forgot to mention it. It just didn't seem important to them. So I guess Janainaz is right that kid's eyes see things differently than my adult eyes!

 

 

I hope I don't make myself sound like some saint, that I am not. My mother overreacted to EVERYTHING. I got yelled at the same for breaking a dish as I did for checking the mail for the neighborhood during tax refund season, opening and it and letting fly in the wind in our backyard (yeah, criminal mind at 4 - jk). But, my mother was so harsh with me ALL the time that I have to fight my way out of doing that to my kids. I overreact and I have to catch myself and make myself look at my kids and see what it does. They are kids and it is their job to make mistakes and mine to teach them. Yet, I still feel like that little girl my mother yelled at one time too many. I'm hard on myself and it seeps through my pores. The nicer I am to me, the more accepting I am and the more I look at my kids and cherish them, the better I am at fighting that tendency. We want our kids to give 100%, we really do want the best and want them to do things right, do things well (in all areas), but their hearts are worth so much more than that - you get that part right and the rest will fall into place. I don't want my kids to give up doing good because it's never enough to please me. They will grow up to see God this way - impossible to please.

[Alaska Mom]

.....Our younger dd, however....one day she put 4 brand new jars of mayonnaise in the FREEZER.:confused: I can tell her to bring me a pen and she will hand me a can of tuna.:lol: ......

 

I'm not one for laughing out loud when I read, but that one did it! THAT is FUNNY!!

 

I think it's called parenthood, but you also sound a bit stressed if you're being critical that often. Around here we just attack it with as much humor and silliness as we can muster. Laughter really is the best medicine. That would crack me up if my kids put mayo in the freezer. Mine like to put the stool in front of the open fridge door and then walk away (which I still think is funny). Kids need training, yes, but kids will still be kids IMO. Laugh more and enjoy them while you can.

Edited October 7, 2008 by Alaska Mom

[rafiki]

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