What would you do?

[Chloe]

I don't know if I'm making too big a deal out of this or not. Here's the thing. My in-laws moved to Florida a year ago. They used to live in the same town as us with my dh's oldest sister and her family. Well, they've been visiting periodically, and when they come, they stay with us. I don't mind having them, but it does make things difficult sometimes. When they came last Christmas, we were at the tail-end of having our kitchen completely remodeled. All our appliances were moved into the garage to use as a make-shift kitchen. It was COLD and hectic. We had only planned on taking two weeks off for Christmas vacation, but took three instead, since that's how long they stayed.

 

They came again the last week of May and stayed for two weeks. We were close to being finished with school anyway, so we just ended early and made up the last few days over the summer with field trips and such.

 

Now they are here again. They had planned to come the first week in October, but called a couple of weeks ago and said they were coming the 22nd of September instead. They are staying for three weeks this time. That rubbed me the wrong way, because shouldn't they ask when it suited us, since they knew they were staying here? We are keeping up with school, but my dc have a bad attitude about it. They think since Nan-nan and Pop-pop are here they shouldn't have to do schoolwork. On the one hand having them here is a help, as they keep my 23 mo occupied so we can get some work done, but then on the other hand the older dc don't want to work.

 

They have announce since being here that they already have plane tickets to come in early December and are planning to stay until mid-January "if anyone is willing to have us." See, they just make their plans and then see who's going to put them up. It's always us because dh's other two sister's live a couple of hours away. One has no children and the other has grown children who live away. They want to see the young grandkids, which are our dc and dh's sister who lives a few blocks away. That sister doesn't have enough room in her house, though it would be ideal because she's home all day by herself, as her dc are in school. Dh's oldest sister has LOTS of room for them, and that's actually who they lived with before moving away, but they don't like staying there because her dc, who are all in their early 20s, are still living off Mom and Dad. My IL's can't stand to see them cater to their dc the way they do. So.....dh says to me last night, "Can I go ahead and tell Mom and Dad they can stay here when they come in December?" I told him to wait. I need to see how this visit goes first. We cannot take off of school every time they come to visit. I also can't help feeling like we are being taken advantage of. They do help out around the house some, and his mother will volunteer to cook dinner once in a while, but it's still stressful (and a bit expensive) having company. They will pick up milk or bread or something they want in particular, but for the most part, we are feeding them. The main thing that bother's me is that they KNOW they will be staying with us, so shouldn't they ask us when and for how long it suits us to have them visit instead of them making the arrangements first?

 

I'm trying to be a good Christian about this, but I guess I'm just having a bad day and needed to vent. Am I making more out of this than I should?

 

Thanks for any insight you can give.

[JFSinIL]

Talk to the other siblings and plan how to either split the visitors between households OR pool $$$ and spring for a motel room, centrally located. This is becoming a BIG imposition on your family!!!

 

Or - just tell them "No" and note that two weeks over the holidays OR perhaps a longer spell in the summer is far better - esp. if they want to see grandkids, who otherwise will be UNAVAILABLE due to SCHOOL!!!!!! And they should check with you first - what if you had plans of yoru own to travel to see other realtives or take a vacation?????

 

Speak-up now or forever be stuck lamenting on these boards.

[gardening momma]

I think it's a combination of them imposing (yes, they need to ask first about when and how long), and you needing to lay down the law with your kids and say, we homeschool even when grandma & grandpa are here.

[Kris]

I don't think you're making too much of it at all. As a matter of fact, it sounds to me like you've been immensely patient hoping this will work itself out. But it doesn't seem it's going to.

 

Can you do "heart to heart" talks with your MIL? Will she get bent out of shape if you're honest and open with her about the fact that, though you really enjoy their visits, some aspects are causing a hardship for you?

 

I would imagine that the things you've mentioned have never even occurred to them. If you can talk to her, you could probably get everything worked out.

 

I would never be able to have this kind of "chat" with my mother. As soon as I started, she would throw a fit, pack up and go home, probably hollering, "If you didn't want me here, you should have said so!" on her way out the door. So that's why I ask.

[Remudamom]

I wouldn't mind the visiting at all, but they may not disrupt school. Tell them so. "We'd love to have you come, but you need to know that school is from x to x times, and we will not ignore it."

 

When grandma's second husband died she was in my hair all the time. For a while I allowed it, knowing that she was grieving, but enough is enough. We were at the point where I had to say in front of her "It is school time. If you want to help with school, great, or I have laundry that needs attention. But the kids will be working now." Take it or leave it.

[Chloe]

JFS,

As a matter of fact, my dd and I are taking a trip to Switzerland in October. We will be leaving before the IL's leave to go home. My dh and the other kids would still be here, so it's no big deal, but it will be harder to pack and prepare for our trip while company is here.

 

I think I'll try to relay some of these issues to dh and have him talk to his parents about checking with us about specific dates and lengths of visits before they plan anything in the future.

 

Thanks!

[Danestress]

I would find it irritating too. I do think they should make plans with you rather than just inform you. Would your DH say something (gently) to them?

 

But my only real solution would be to make it very clear to the children that they have to continue school as usual when the grandparents are around, and remind them of that in front of the grandparents if necessary. As in, "Johnny, I know it's hard to sit and finish math when Granny is here, but if you make this hard for me, she won't be able to come during the school year anymore, and think how sad that would make us all."

[RoughCollie]

Depending on how old they are, I would at least ask them to do certain chores every day -- from being in charge of cooking breakfast, to doing laundry, to cleaning bathrooms.

 

I look at it like this: It is boring to stay at someone else's house for a long time because there is nothing to do. So give them the opportunity to contribute. First ask them to do everything you hate doing -- even if it is grocery shopping and they get the wrong brands of something, it is better than doing it yourself. Same with towels being folded the wrong way.

 

Now if I didn't like my MIL (which I don't), I would ask DH to talk to her about checking with us first before she makes plans to visit and stay with us. Then I'd say no to all long-term visits. With my MIL, 2 days was too long, but she usually stayed for 7.

 

RC

[Carol in Cal.]

Family tends to assume that they are always welcome, and be quite irrationally hurt if you want to actually plan.

 

My parents stopped coming to see us completely after I asked them to call first. We are really not at home just hanging out all that much, and the pain of having to decide whether to skip something scheduled in order to accommodate their determination to drop by was getting pretty bad.

 

My brother lives across the country, and they decided to visit him for Christmas one year. They told everyone except for him and his wife, and he just couldn't have them on the notice that they gave him--they have 4 children, and SIL has 5 other sibs plus parents so they were already hosting one or two other families in their not-too-big house. When it got back to them that my parents were planning to go, they very gently asked them to come for a different week, and my parents were so offended that they didn't visit for 4-5 years.

 

So, I think that your concerns and desire to set boundaries is quite reasonable, but I don't know whether your parents will take it like reasonable people or not. I hope that they do.

[Aggie]

Could you do 1/2 days when they are there? Pare down to bare essentials? Would one of the gparents take over science and/or history? Or read alouds? Would they bake with your dc? Take them to museums? Get g-parents and dc excited about what they can do together. One year I gave my dc questions to ask gp about what life was like when gp were growing up. It was history, though not from a book. :)

 

Consider it a compliment that they want to stay with you! That they want to is a great testimony to how they feel about you. I doubt my mil would want to spend 3 wks with me. :)

 

I see it from a different perspective, I guess. The grandparents won't always be around. If one of them passes away next year, the school schedule will seem a little irrelevant, I think. And I'm serious about school, too, but I don't want to sacrifice great relationships in the name of a schedule. This is one of the reasons we hs...so we can spend time with my parents while they're still around.

 

Also, our dc are learning how to treat us when we are retired. Will our dc welcome us? Perhaps your ils regret moving so far away from their g-kids?

 

You can also be pro-active....tell your mil that you're taking off this week and ask them to come see you then.

 

I think you're very blessed, Chloe, and your dc are blessed to have gp who want to spend time with them.

 

Just my 2cents...

Aggie

[PinkTulip]

I empathize so much with you, and echo the sentiments that you should speak up now or forever have to live with it.

 

DH and I have been married 15 years, and about 8 years ago, when we moved closer (500 miles away rather than 1500), his parents thought it would be lovely to come for Christmas. For three weeks. Every. Year. Since! On top of that, they come for about a week at a time, every six weeks or so. It's a lot. It's too much, actually. I am torn because it's important to me that my kids have a good relationship with their grandparents, but it is very very hard on me. They stay with us, and are kind of "take-over" kind of people. Like, let's do this craft project with glitter glue at the kitchen table, and then run to Target to buy a volleyball, basically for no other reason than my 5 year old said the word volleyball. They don't clean up after themselves, leaving a wake of wrappers, crafts, and other things behind them. They don't cook, nor offer, although in their defense, they do offer to pay for take-out for one meal when they come. My kids absolutely love the time when they come, and I face it with increasing dread with each subsequent visit.

 

The Christmas visit is especially difficult, because DH and I are very intentional in limiting what we get for our children. Thankfully, not due to financial limitations, but because we want our children to be thoughtful and appreciative of the things they have, not tossing them into a pile with a million other things. So each child gets 3 gifts - one from mom and dad, one from their brothers, and one from Santa. Then, they all share one "big" thing. The last few years, my ILs have been giving each of my 4 children a $50 Target gift card to use at the sales the day after Christmas. Do you know how much stuff you can get for $200 at the day after Christmas sales? A ridiculous amount! We have tried to talk to them, explain they are usurping our parental aurhority, etc. to no avail. So last year, we did something really radical: we called them in March and announced that we were going out of town for 2 1/2 weeks over Christmas - to Mexico. We would love to spend time with them for the 4 days that we would be in town, but would be gone for the rest. It has been my best Christmas in the last 8 years! And, it may just become a new family tradition!

 

Sorry my empathy for you turned into a rant of my own! I just want to let you know that you're not alone. Hold firm to your own family's schedule, and don't let the decisions of other's disrupt your life. If they came once a year for three weeks, I could see it. But when your ILs come that often for that long, just treat them like they are part of the rest of the family: let them know the milk's in the fridge, the cereal's in the cupboard, and they can make themselves at home with whatever breakfast they want while you and the children are busy attending to your schedule. You'll be happy to chat during your lunch break, but just simply aren't available during school time.

 

Good luck!

[Rosie_0801]

How about something like "We'd love to have you come this time, but in future we really need you to check first. You know how it is, the kids are getting bigger and take more organising... The other thing is that we really need your back-up when it comes to getting schoolwork done. Being typical kids they think they don't have to do school when you are visiting, which is obviously unacceptable. I've thought of a few ways you can help keep their fidgety little minds on task, because we don't want to have to kick you out of the house during school time!" (Obviously said with the tone that says you would never actually do such a thing.)

I'm sure you wouldn't want them to take over teaching, but they could do read alouds and take art lessons alongside the kids.

If they forget to check with you before visiting the next time, you must verbally nearly die of sorrow and apologise profusely that if you'd known you would never have organised the completely un-cancellable thing that your kids are desperately looking forward to.

Of course if that didn't work, I'd be tough and non apologetic the next time.

Rosie

[Kathleen in VA]

You've gotten some good advice here. I only have one thing to add.

 

My mom died in 1995 and two of my children never met her. The other three have vague memories of her. My two oldest remember their great-grandmothers fairly well. I'm so glad they had the chance to know them. Now my fil has lung cancer and I don't think we are going to have him for very much longer. Relationships are really the most important thing so I'd be more likely to bend towards canning school or doing the bare minimum and spending lots of relationship-building time with the gp's. I'm not sure how doable that is in your state. If it is not doable, I agree with Remudamom and the others that said you just have to be very, very firm about getting the school done. Be consistent about it and they will learn that you mean it. And, like some others have said, try to involve the gp's in the school as best you can.

 

I used to think it was such a hassle to pack up my little ones, especially when I had infants, to drive the 50-60 miles up to my mom's and grandmas' houses for a visit (on I-95 in the DC metro area - many times getting caught in rush hour traffic). They seemed to want us to come a lot. I would always be so tired for days afterward. I was teaching kindergarten up to about 4th grade all that time. Now all three of them are no longer here and, like I said, two of my dc never got to meet them. That seems weird to me because they were so much a part of my life. I'm thankful now that at least the two older boys got to know them a little.

 

Maybe I'm just being sentimental and spineless, but I think your kids' relationship with their grandparents is very important and should be the priorty. I will say that it is rude of your ils not to ask if it's okay with you if they come. Not sure what you can do about that without offending them. Not sure what to say about the added expense either. I do know that older people tend to be more sensitive about being considered a "burden" and may have what we would consider to be an irrational reaction if they sense you find them burdensome. Perhaps this is what Christ means when he says we must "die to self." For the sake of peace, you may have to just endure their rudeness and make the most of their visits.

[Chloe]

I don't want to stir up trouble, but I can't help but be a little irritated by the whole thing. It's mainly the fact that they just plan their visits without asking first.