Would you confront the baby sitters?

[Marie in Oh]

Here is the deal. I teach a high school English class to 6 kids ages 13 - 17 (the 13 yo is really an 8th grader). In return, I either get three hours of baby sitting/ per kid a month or one of they girls teaches my 7 yo violin lessons. 3 of the children are from one family. There is always a combination of two of the kids, and the 17 yo is always one of the ones here with her 15 yo brother of 13 yo sister. There have been 4 issues in the last two times they have been here to babysit.

 

#1- Our computer's homepage is always changed when I get home to theirs so clearly they are on the internet when here.

 

#2- The phone was busy for 1/2 hour the other night while 15 boy was here with my oldest for an hour after soccer practice til I could get home from gymnastics.

 

#3- Friend stopped by while they were here to borrow something and she said the music was on really loud and 13 yo was chasing little ones around the island of the kitchen. She said it was pretty chaotic. This is a mother of 9 so chaos is relative.

 

#4- DD's violin string was loose today and the report was the 13 yo was playing with it and my 9 yo told her not to. When I went to tighten it back up, it broke.

 

Obviously, something should be said, but I am so not a confronter. The pity is, this is a homeschool family, and they are very respected in our church. Dh and I are so unimpressed. Advice?

[PariSarah]

. . . if you're not the confrontational type, you'll have to do it in a way that would make you comfortable. (This is not usually my problem. :D)

 

What about the self-effacing route? "I'm so sorry that I haven't been clear enough in my expectations for your time with my kids. I forget, sometimes, that not everyone is an experienced mama!! Here's some things that are important to me: blah blah blah. It was so unfair of me to have expected you to read my mind and to know that!" The youngers, especially, probably still need some very clear direction. (I was always unsettled, at that age, when the parents left without very, very clear instructions.)

 

You might suggest (as in, lay out and clearly indicate that you expect to be used) activities for them. "Well, you're here for three hours. I usually find that the kids need a change of activity every hour, or else they'll get a little antsy and destructive. Here's some suggestions for today--I've laid out a board game, a family read aloud, and painting, which you should do OUTSIDE only, please."

 

Whether or not you confront them, I would put a password on my computer, and yesterday. Like, on the whole thing--so it won't even boot up without the password. You do NOT want to have to deal with their mama coming to you and saying, "My kids accessed porn on YOUR COMPUTER!!"

 

You might suggest that phone use is a safety issue. "I need to be able to call in and check on the kids, so you'll have to stay off the phone in the future."

[Zelda]

. . . if you're not the confrontational type, you'll have to do it in a way that would make you comfortable. (This is not usually my problem. :D)

 

What about the self-effacing route? "I'm so sorry that I haven't been clear enough in my expectations for your time with my kids. I forget, sometimes, that not everyone is an experienced mama!! Here's some things that are important to me: blah blah blah. It was so unfair of me to have expected you to read my mind and to know that!" The youngers, especially, probably still need some very clear direction. (I was always unsettled, at that age, when the parents left without very, very clear instructions.)

 

You might suggest (as in, lay out and clearly indicate that you expect to be used) activities for them. "Well, you're here for three hours. I usually find that the kids need a change of activity every hour, or else they'll get a little antsy and destructive. Here's some suggestions for today--I've laid out a board game, a family read aloud, and painting, which you should do OUTSIDE only, please."

 

Whether or not you confront them, I would put a password on my computer, and yesterday. Like, on the whole thing--so it won't even boot up without the password. You do NOT want to have to deal with their mama coming to you and saying, "My kids accessed porn on YOUR COMPUTER!!"

 

You might suggest that phone use is a safety issue. "I need to be able to call in and check on the kids, so you'll have to stay off the phone in the future."

 

:iagree:

 

Wow, good stuff. *Scribbles furiously*

[Mom2legomaniacs]

. . . if you're not the confrontational type, you'll have to do it in a way that would make you comfortable. (This is not usually my problem. :D)

 

What about the self-effacing route? "I'm so sorry that I haven't been clear enough in my expectations for your time with my kids. I forget, sometimes, that not everyone is an experienced mama!! Here's some things that are important to me: blah blah blah. It was so unfair of me to have expected you to read my mind and to know that!" The youngers, especially, probably still need some very clear direction. (I was always unsettled, at that age, when the parents left without very, very clear instructions.)

 

You might suggest (as in, lay out and clearly indicate that you expect to be used) activities for them. "Well, you're here for three hours. I usually find that the kids need a change of activity every hour, or else they'll get a little antsy and destructive. Here's some suggestions for today--I've laid out a board game, a family read aloud, and painting, which you should do OUTSIDE only, please."

 

Whether or not you confront them, I would put a password on my computer, and yesterday. Like, on the whole thing--so it won't even boot up without the password. You do NOT want to have to deal with their mama coming to you and saying, "My kids accessed porn on YOUR COMPUTER!!"

 

You might suggest that phone use is a safety issue. "I need to be able to call in and check on the kids, so you'll have to stay off the phone in the future."

 

 

So, do you make house calls for this stuff? Seriously, are you able to pull it off the cuff in the moment, or do you need time to think it up. BTW, you're good!

[BabyBre]

:iagree: Great suggestions, Pari!

 

Absolutely lock the computer. As soon as mine learned to insert disc to play their games, I locked all our profiles with passwords, and most certainly if there will be teenagers in the house unattended for any amount of time.

 

And that's the perfect reason they need to stay off the phone (nevermind that they're supposed to be doing a job). You need to call in case of emergency.

[HRAAB]

I'm not the confrontational type either and would be very uncomfortable doing it. But, if I was the other mother, I would want to know how my children were behaving. Gentle and polite would be nice, but I still would want to know.

 

Janet

[PariSarah]

So, do you make house calls for this stuff? Seriously, are you able to pull it off the cuff in the moment, or do you need time to think it up. BTW, you're good!

 

Honestly, I'm just remembering some of the gentle, kind ways people have dealt with me when I screwed up. :tongue_smilie: Like the boss who, instead of berating me for doing a job lazily, did it himself and said, "I just didn't realize nobody had trained you for this--here's what your report needs to look like next week." Or the mom who, instead of fussing at me for not cleaning up after the kids when I babysat, waited for the first time when I *did* make a special effort to clean up and said, "I put a little extra in your check today. I really appreciate how lovely everything looked when I came home!"

 

Now, I'm perfectly comfortable saying, "Oh, here, Mary, help me throw some of these toys in the toy box before you go." But if you're not comfortable with that approach, you might feel more comfortable with these equally effective, non-confrontational methods. They even work on bulls-in-a-china-shop like me! :D

 

ETA: Plus, it's easier when it's not my life. :D:D:D:D

[Joanne]

Yes, something needs to be said.

 

But, I'm going to comment on the comment quoted below:

 

 

Obviously, something should be said, but I am so not a confronter. The pity is, this is a homeschool family, and they are very respected in our church. Dh and I are so unimpressed. Advice?

 

All items ( 1- 4 ) seem quite age expected. Impulse control in a 13 year old, phone and computer use of kids, etc.

 

They are not ok; but they don't speak to serious issues, dysfunction or enough to knock a family off of "respected" status. :confused::chillpill:

 

With sitters and caregivers, we need to be specific, especially if they are kids. Kids are not born knowing or with intuitiveness about the rules; we have to teach them.

[Marie in Oh]

because these are normal things that normal teens do, well, sorry, I expect more that normal teen behavior when they are watching my kids. These kids are the prime babysitter reference in my church. Everyone highly recommends them as the best. Well, they aren't doing the best in my opinion.

 

I guess I am spoiled because the other family who babysits for us have 2 daughters, 16 and 15 and they are super responsible. They would never be on the phone, computer, etc, leave the house spotless, kids are never left unsupervised, etc, etc, etc. And they play with, bake with, etc. with the kids. They are the oldest girls in a family with 9 children, and they are mature, reponsible, could run a household. Ya know what I mean? Why is this not the norm?

 

DH had the said 15 yo boy mentioned in original post here one day over spring break to haul wood from our property to the barn. My 10 yo son out worked him by a couple of hours. He was lazy, complained, etc. He said he would not come back to work for us. We paid him 36.00 for 6 hours of work.

 

My point in saying they were from a respected hs family in our church was to say that I expect that kids from this type of family would have a work ethic that was superior to the average teen. NOT that they should fall from respected status. It is just so surprising to see the irresponsibilty and laziness in kids. Maybe I just expect alot.

[Marie in Oh]

The next time they come over post rules. Have them written down and go over them verbally. Ask them if they have questions and if they think they can abide by these rules for watching your kids.

 

Do they really want to take your class? Are they possibly annoyed that they have to work for the class so they are being a bit passive aggressive, or at least less than their best?

 

When a babysitter comes I have a "no media" rule. I think go one to clarify that that means " no tv, no movies,no computer, no radio - for anyone". Other rules - no friends over, no texting, no phone calls unless it is to me or their mother (next door) or 911. I generally tell them I want them to go outside and play with the kids for x amount of time, leave out a snack and suggest reading books while I point to the shelf with the kid books. Also, my computer is passworded.

 

My mother taught me all of these things before I became a babysitter but there were others that kind parents taught me along the way. I figure, this is my employee and I am leaving my most precious thing with them, I can tell them what to do and how to do it. Over time I hope that this will help them learn to be a great babysitter.

 

I learned to go over this the hard way after finding one teen had basically sat and played computer games with one child and all but ignored the other for about 3 hours :glare: This is another reason I have a rule about almost never leaving my kids unless one is verbal enough to communicate what happened while I was gone.

 

I may have to try that.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that there is no reason to expect that they understand what is expected in your home. Also, babysitters are in a funny position--they have to be authoritative but also to keep their charges happy. These kids sound like they have tilted too far toward trying to keep their charges happy, and not done enough to establish the rules. If I were retraining them, I would also talk with my own children. I would tell them that they need to act as if I was in the next room, and would pop out any minute. I would tell them that a good friend helps their friends to be responsible, and that I wanted them to help their babysitters be responsible by obeying the rules and keeping things nice.

 

There would probably still be some problems, but I would expect them to be more minor.

[Pink Fairy]

It sounds like these are subpar babysitters, and I wouldn't allow them to watch my children. I *would* have suggested you have them do yard work for you instead, but it looks like there's a character issue that extends to areas beyond babysitting. Hmmmm. Tough situation. :grouphug:

[Remudamom]

I'd lay down the law with them once, then tell the mom the trade off wasn't going to work.

 

And as for this being "normal behavior for teenagers??" Sorry, normal behavior isn't what we're shooting for around here. Since when does normal excuse irresponsible behavior?