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Is it too much? Visiting grieving relatives


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A couple months ago, my cousin passed away unexpectedly. He was an only child and was only 22.

My (dh's) Uncle messaged me the other day via FB asking if our girls (10 and 8) could come visit. He crochets and my oldest is learning. She would like him to teach her some and he would like to do this.

They live about 90 minutes away and I have no problem with them going over, I really wish we weren't so busy and that it was easier to get there.


To the point: Because he asked for them to come, I really want to make that happen. The one day this month that it works for me to get them happens to be their late-son's birthday. I would meet her halfway that morning and she would pick them up. I would then drive the entire way that evening to pick them up. Would it be too much for them to have my girls on that day? Would they prefer to grieve? Would they be a welcome distraction? I want to be sensitive to their needs, but am not sure they will feel free to say "sorry, we will be too sad that day to have them" and I'm not sure how to ask.


What says the hive?

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I agree that you should ask them.  They most likely will appreciate your remembering that it is their son's birthday and also that you asked them beforehand. They will let you know  whether they are up to having your daughters over on that particular day.

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Can you try something like this:


Hi Uncle So-and-So, HUSBAND and I would love for the girls to come visit with you. Eldest Girl is learning to crochet and she's excitedly hoping you'll be able to give her some pointers, Youngest Girl would love to show you how good she's gotten at Some Activity/ Skill. I know that HUSBAND still has a lot of fond memories of PAST EVENT and we are very excited for the girls to get to know you guys better and we'd love to get the girls over more often, starting sooner rather than later.


Unfortunately between homeschooling and making our obligations to X, Y and Z, the day that works best for us is DATE. While I know that Deceased Sons is always close to your heart, I want to respect that his memory will be especially close to your hearts and a lot during that day/week and that you and/or AUNT may be more comfortable having that time to yourselves.


Dh and I wouldn't want to intrude on that day if you and AUNT feel more comfortable not entertaining during that time, please say so. We are also available on ALTERNATE DATE 1, 2 AND 3. If you don't think that that Dead Sons B-Day is an ideal day to visit. Please let me know which dates are best for you and AUNT.




Edited by Gil
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I would offer them two dates - the birthday and the first date next month that your girls are free - and ask your Dh's aunt and uncle which works best for them. If having your girls on their son's birthday would be too hard for them, they will just choose the later date without any explanation necessary. 



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So I talked with the Aunt (uncle has some slight memory issues, do anything involving travel kids must work with her). She wants them that day. Is looking forward to them and the joy that kids can bring in what would otherwise be a very sad day.

And Gil, Thanks. You said it better than I did.

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