Am I wrong to want to change my husband's sleep pattern?

[MomatHWTK]

Sorry to break it to all you perky people, but some folk really just have 12 hours a day of perk in them.  Glad I am not married to a man who would  leave me if I couldn't keep up!  

[freesia]

Sorry to break it to all you perky people, but some folk really just have 12 hours a day of perk in them.  Glad I am not married to a man who would  leave me if I couldn't keep up!

I don't have more than 12 hours of perk in me, but I still do what I can before the perk. I am a day person (not great at night or early morning). When we had early waking toddlers, dh and I took turns getting up at 5 or 6. A lot of it I spent lying on the couch watching the toddler toddle, but I didn't tell dh I couldn't do anything until 9 so he had to get up. Mostly it was b/c he's not a morning person either. We both did what we had to do.

 

My SIL said for years she couldn't get a job b/c it takes her 3hours to get ready in the morning. But after her divorce, she figured it out. Dh figured it out b/c I refused to get up every morning. I figured it out b/c he refused to get up every morning.

 

I think the OP and her dh need to figure out ways where the load feels more fair. I don't think he has to change his schedule, but I agree he needs to address why it takes him 4 hours to be able to function (sleep apnea?depression?). He needs to be a full participating parent and spouse. As others have said, many with night working spouses manage just fine.

[fairfarmhand]

Sorry to break it to all you perky people, but some folk really just have 12 hours a day of perk in them.  Glad I am not married to a man who would  leave me if I couldn't keep up!  

 

Perky's different from functioning.

 

I don't function well in the evening, but I still get dishes done, baths and kids in bed at night.

 

I don't just say "Well, I'm a morning person, so I'm going to bed and you all can figure it out without me."  You deal. You do it anyway.

 

I'd say the same to a morning person who didn't want to help out in the evening if she/he were needed to do so. Sometimes in a family, you do what you have to.

[Joanne]

Here's the deal: I am 100% sure dh has delayed phase sleep syndrome. He goes to sleep at 3 am and has a hard time getting out of bed before 11 and doesn't seem fully alert until 3pm. We both work at home and the kids are homeschooled. He does sleep and he is active, but just on a way different schedule than the rest of us. He is a woodworker with clients and he does work in his shop late afternoon and night. Since he doesn't get moving till late, most of his time is his time.

 

The problem is it just drives me crazy. I want him on a normal schedule. With all of us at home, there are things I would like his help/input on during the day plus help around the house. I just don't feel that it is fair to all of us, but this has been his habit for many years. He said he will try using a light box for 2 weeks, but I have to be the one to make sure he is moving in the morning and remind him to use it (hasn't started the light therapy yet). 

 

I know I have my share of annoying habits. Should I just leave him to his bizarre schedule?

 

OK; the bold would not be ok with me. But I'd separate the issues. I'd make the lack of shared vision and shared family responsibility the issue and I'd not *solve* it for him by making it about wanting a normal sleep pattern.

 

For me, today - the woman I am now - not sharing parenting and family responsibility would be a deal breaker. I would do many, many things to allow shared responsibility to emerge but if it didn't, I would build a separate life of some kind because I don't think I could get past the resentment each day of my partner having the benefits of marriage/family without the responsibilities beyond financial.

[summerreading]

OP here: right after posting this I started to come down with a stomach bug for a few days. I'm surprised to come back and see 50+ replies! Dh did everything for a few days and now he's off to jury duty at 8 am.

I didn't mean to say that he is not active in family life. It's the days where he isn't moving until 3pm that he doesn't have much time for anything else. I do think that he isn't getting sound sleep in the hours he is trying to because we are all up and it's a small house, so that is an issue. He has been trying for some time to shift his pattern, setting an alarm for 9am, but I don't think now this is the way to go about it, especially after reading replies where you or your spouse has the same issue. It was a little better before he had to work overnights a long time ago.

Thanks for all the replies. You gave me a lot to think about and I have a more realistic idea of how nothing we try will be a quick fix.

 

Edited January 6, 2016 by summerreading

[fairfarmhand]

OP here: right after posting this I started to come down with a stomach bug for a few days. I'm surprised to come back and see 50+ replies! Dh did everything for a few days and now he's off to jury duty at 8 am.

I didn't mean to say that he is not active in family life. It's the days where he isn't moving until 3pm that he doesn't have much time for anything else. I do think that he isn't getting sound sleep in the hours he is trying to because we are all up and it's a small house, so that is an issue. He has been trying for some time to shift his pattern, setting an alarm for 9am, but I don't think now this is the way to go about it, especially after reading replies where you or your spouse has the same issue. It was a little better before he had to work overnights a long time ago.

Thanks for all the replies. You gave me a lot to think about and I have a more realistic idea of how nothing we try will be a quick fix.

 

Does he have box fan or a noise machine to help him sleep better?\

 

What about room darkening curtains?

 

[shawthorne44]

Has he had an sleep apnea test?  My DH was like that before he had the machine.   His apnea was so bad that they only tested him for a couple of hours instead of one night, and went straight into testing machine settings on his first night.  Instead of episodes an hour, they told him episodes per minute.   I don't know how that is possible.  

 

One thing I've always done for myself is to make sure the bathroom is really really brightly lit.  I find whatever max wattage is allowed for each fixture, and then use that.  in the morning, I turn on ALL the lights.  I start out moving slow with slitted eyes, but by the time I leave I am wide awake.  With the LED bulbs you wouldn't even have to worry about the max wattage since what they use is so low.  

 

Another idea, and only if he is on-board with the idea. with some internet connections it is possible to turn the internet off for certain hours.  Assuming he is piddling on the computer with something that requires an internet connection and time gets away from him, maybe having the internet turn off at say 1 am might make him realize how late it is getting.   I know with my DH, he is a bit delusional about when he is really going to bed.  He doesn't look at the clock so he thinks it is 2 am when really it is after 4 am.  

 

[redsquirrel]

OP here: right after posting this I started to come down with a stomach bug for a few days. I'm surprised to come back and see 50+ replies! Dh did everything for a few days and now he's off to jury duty at 8 am.

I didn't mean to say that he is not active in family life. It's the days where he isn't moving until 3pm that he doesn't have much time for anything else. I do think that he isn't getting sound sleep in the hours he is trying to because we are all up and it's a small house, so that is an issue. He has been trying for some time to shift his pattern, setting an alarm for 9am, but I don't think now this is the way to go about it, especially after reading replies where you or your spouse has the same issue. It was a little better before he had to work overnights a long time ago.

Thanks for all the replies. You gave me a lot to think about and I have a more realistic idea of how nothing we try will be a quick fix.

 

 

Sleep mask and ear plugs, baby, sleep mask and ear plugs. 

 

This is the best sleep mask I have ever used. Yes, it is pricey, but I don't care. I love it so much I have one in reserve in case I lose this one

 

http://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B0015NZ6FK?keywords=sleep%20mask&qid=1452096639&ref_=sr_1_9&sr=8-9

 

But of course you can try others. But, a sleep mask can make a big difference. My son uses one also.

 

Ear plugs can be purchased in any store with a half decent pharmacy section. I get them at the grocery store.  They are foam things you squish up and stick in.  Put them in early, when you are 'done' but aren't sleepy yet (and people won't be talking to you, lol). Muffled sound, quieter environment, will cue your brain to sleep.

 

He can also try these for the evenings:

http://smile.amazon.com/Uvex-S1933X-Eyewear-SCT-Orange-Anti-Fog/dp/B000USRG90/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1452097543&sr=8-10&keywords=yellow+glasses

 

yes...so sexy!

 

I have some and my son also has a pair. He has found them to be much more effective than I do. There was at least one study that found them to be more effective for younger people. But, my son swears by them. He puts them on when he settles in to do his homework. He has to use a chromebook for all his homework, so there is no avoiding screens before bed. He is often doing homework right up to when he goes to bed, so he can't limit screen time.

 

They block blue light and it is a lack off blue light that tells our bodies to produce melatonin. All artificial light has blue light in it, but screens are especially strong producers. So, block or minimize the blue light and the brain produces more melatonin.

 

Maybe I should give them another try. I used them twice, maybe three times and decided they didn't work. It might have been more that I found them annoying. They interfered with reading in bed, lol. 

 

 

Like I said, its a process.  Right now, after years of keeping my bedtime to 1am, I can see it is trying to move to 2am. That is just NOT going to work in my life. So, I am trying everything these days. But, you would not believe how quickly time flies for me between 11pm and 1:30am.  Maybe I can try turning off all the lights downstairs after everyone goes to bed and wearing the orange glasses and just reading my kindle on the couch. So that way, I can be up, but encouraging sleep to come earlier.......

 

And I agree with the suggestions he get a sleep test.  I may not sleep when everyone else does, but when I do, I wake up bright eyed and functional. When I sleep, I sleep deeply.  Well, now that my hormones are changing that isn't always the case, but that's a different story/battle, lol. One of the hallmarks of a sleep phase disorder is that when sleep comes, it is normal sleep. It's just at the totally wrong time for our world. It is absolutely possible that he could have a disorder AND apnea, but if he isn't sleeping well when he does sleep..that is just miserable.

 

You could be correct that because he is sleeping his deepest sleep when the rest of the house is awake it could be poor quality sleep. So, maybe give a sleep mask and ear plugs a shot and see if it helps.  He will need to try for a month, maybe. If you have any sleep issue, making any little change in our sleep routine will throw you off. So, maybe commit to the mask and ear plugs for a few weeks before making a decision if they help.

 

But, if they don't make a consistent difference in the quality of sleep, then a sleep test might be in order to check for apnea. That is what I did and I found they made a huge difference.

[fairfarmhand]

Also, he needs to be realistic about his sleep. If he's going to bed at 3, he doesn't need to set an alarm to get up at 9. That's just 6 hours and he's either going to get up and feel groggy or have another 2 hours of sleep constantly interrupted by the snooze. So he should learn to give himself "permission" to get 7.5 to 8 hours of  sleep, but he also needs to find out if his poor quality sleep is the reason he's groggy vs. inadequate sleep.