Hospice. My dad was just diagnosed with stage 4 non small cell adenocarcinoma that has spread.

[happypamama]

No advice, just I'm so sorry, Faith.

[PeterPan]

Just jumping to the end here.  Hospice in our area was willing to come for my FIL long before he was willing (emotionally) to let them in.  If you're within 6 months of passing, they'll come.  Our experience was they would be there as much as you wanted them.  They had a variety of workers (social workers, nurses, you name it), and they were willing to come as much as you wanted.  My FIL was cared for only about a week.  I don't know the timeline on your father.  

 

I would encourage you to call your hospice now (even tonight, like the middle of the night!) to talk it through.  They'll let you talk with a nurse or have the nurse call you back any time, even at midnight or 2 am.  They can come any time, like even at 2 am if you want, even for intake.  When you want them, they will talk.  They talked with me multiple times over a period of weeks before the family agreed as a whole to have hospice come in.  *I* needed that support.  They're not only there for the dying person but also for the *family*.  They *want* to talk with you and support you, so do call them.  

 

Hospice has a wonderful book on passing.  It comforted me and was helpful. You can find it online by googling. Even as a christian, I needed to change my perspective.  I had never seen it (death) before.  

 

The others mentioned the legal issues.  Please make sure everything is in order for your parents.  It's the most important thing to do.  Wills, health care power of attorney, all documents like living wills.  The nurses will determine if he is of sound mind to sign his own intake forms.  If he is not, the person with that legal power (his wife, whomever) has to do it for him.  You'd rather get this done sooner, rather than later.

 

Hospice was so good to us.  I'm sorry you have need of them and are going through a hard time.  There are ways I'm still not recovered, and it changed our lives.   Hopefully you can talk with Hospice and get that conversation going.  

[Katy]

I have read/skimmed this post, and here are my many thoughts:

 

1) Do you have power of attorney for either of your parents?  Do you have access to their financial information?  They should be paying for services.  If you have POA, you do have an increased duty of care for him, so that would alter my response below:

 

2) I would contact an attorney (I'm not kidding) who specializes in elder care, explain your situation, especially how you were threatened, to make sure you fully understand your legal responsibilities.  I'm a non-practicing lawyer in Alabama, so I can't speak to  Michigan laws, but it does sound to me like a threat.  It would be elder abuse if you take him home and do not care for him.  However, it is not elder abuse to refuse to take him home.  That's my gut reaction, but YMMV, based upon the law in your state.

 

3)  You can tell the hospital, point blank, I CANNOT CARE FOR HIM.  When they ask about whether he will have a safe environment, say no.  When they ask whether he will have someone to watch him 24/7, say no.  Explain your mother's health. 

 

4)  Regarding hospice:  They will pay for medical supplies (medications, oxygen, hospital bed) and even non-medical supplies (adult diapers), but they will only come by maybe 2-3 times a week.  Everything else will fall on you if you do not have help.  Home health for someone with your father's level of service would run you (in Alabama) $18/hour, minimum.  

 

5)  Ask to speak to your father's social worker - they sometimes have a surprising amount of power.

 

6)  I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I will pray for you and your family.  

 

IME as a nurse, but also not in your state, the above is correct.  A surprising amount of this is federally regulated by medicare.

 

My understanding is that if you refuse to care for your parents and don't have POA and refuse to take POA, it is illegal for the hospital to release someone who needs care unless they have someone to care for him.  Doesn't mean people don't get dumped on curbs anyway, but it is illegal, and at this point funding is so driven by patient satisfaction surveys I doubt a hospital social worker and ombudsman would take that psychologist's side.  This is the reason that medical bills are so high.  I'd say at least half of my hospital patients (perhaps as much as 2/3) didn't need to be in a hospital at all, but they had no caregivers, were unable to care for themselves, and so an emergency room visit that should have taken two hours would turn into a week long stay.

 

I've seen situations where someone with a complex medical history and no family lived in the hospital for months after their illness was better because the hospital social workers couldn't find a nursing home to take them without a family member taking responsibility.

[TranquilMind]

He also had an immune reaction - long word I can not spell - that involved his body reacting wildly to the cancer and attacking the healthy cells in his brain causing him to halluconate, become delusional,and was labeled altered mental status.

 

He sees another oncologist next week but given how weak he is, I do not think they will attempt any treatment.

 

My mom, currently needing my full time care because she is non weight bearing until November due to the ankle injuries from the car accident expects me to care for him as well so he does not have to go to a nursing home. I feel entirely overwhelmed. My dh is working 70 hours per week as.his project deadlines loom in November, my brother is working similar hours, his wife works full time too, and my sister lives in France and has an autoimmune disorder and is sick again. I have very few options for assistance, and since our local ps does not accept high school credits from home schoolers, I must continue educating my senior and sophomore or it will very negatively impact them.

 

How much help does hospice give in home? Can I get respite care, help with bathing, meds, any meals? I am really upset about trying to care for both of them and very concerned about handling him when he is hallucinating. If he gets wild again and hurts mom, I don't know what I will do.

Can you hire a helper?  I found some wonderful ladies to help me when I had a parent to care for as well as small children.   I'm not sure about hospice. I'm sorry about your parents!  At least Mom will be better in a month, right? 

 

I agree.  Get POA right now if you don't have it.  You will need it.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I have no answers, but I am so sorry you are dealing with so much. :grouphug: :grouphug: