Hoot Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Below is DS16s original thesis statement that he turned in to Write at Home for his research paper. Although the mere mention of the confederate flag brings out the rebel pride in some, government property - that which is owned and retained for the express purpose of utilizing and promoting local, state, and government agencies impartially to all citizens - is not an appropriate place to display the symbol of a now defunct regime. This is the "corrected" version sent back from the writing coach with the comment: "Fine start on your thesis. You've given this careful thought. Let's tighten as marked so we can make the sentence more manageable. It's a looong one." Although the mere mention of the confederate flag brings out the rebel pride in some, government property - that which is owned and retained for the express purpose of utilizing and promoting local, state, and government agencies impartially to all citizens - is not an (in)appropriate place to display the symbol of a now defunct regime. So essentially, what this coach is asking for is: Although the confederate flag brings out rebel pride, government property is an inappropriate place to display the symbol of a now defunct regime. I was always taught that if the sentence is grammatically correct, makes sense, and adequately states the purpose of your paper, then the length is irrelevant. What are your thoughts? To DS and I, it seems silly that the coach would really only comment on the length of the sentence and butcher it in order to simply make it shorter instead of taking note of important concepts like grammar and structure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 The purpose of a thesis statement is to state the purpose of your paper as clearly as possible. Truthfully, I had to re-read the original thesis statement to figure out what was being said. The part in between the dashes tripped me up. The coach didn't just shorten the sentence for the sake of shortening it: He took out the definition of government property, which should be put elsewhere in the paper. "the mere mention of" is wordy. I might have left "in some". It looks like you have found a great writing coach. And it looks like your ds is off to a great start with this paper! 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 The purpose of a thesis statement is to state the purpose of your paper as clearly as possible. Truthfully, I had to re-read the original thesis statement to figure out what was being said. The part in between the dashes tripped me up. The coach didn't just shorten the sentence for the sake of shortening it: He took out the definition of government property, which should be put elsewhere in the paper. "the mere mention of" is wordy. I might have left "in some". It looks like you have found a great writing coach. And it looks like your ds is off to a great start with this paper! :iagree: Yes, the definition of gov. prop should be explained elsewhere. "In some" is subjective, he is making an assertion with his thesis, no being vague in a thesis. He can explain "the some" later as well. with the words like "rebel pride" and "defunt regime," I can infer his stance. I also agree he's off to a good start. From reading the shortened sentence, I can sense where he is going and, if I were teaching him, would be interested to see the evidence used. The original sentence leaves it a bit vague where he stands on the issue. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 "In some" is subjective, he is making an assertion with his thesis, no being vague in a thesis. He can explain "the some" later as well. Yes, after re-reading the thesis statement, the word "rebel" in front of pride already explains "in some". "In some" can easily be eliminated. Good catch, elegantlion. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie of KY Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 I had to reread the original thesis for it to make sense to me, but I still like it. I would want the coach to tell WHY the thesis needs to be shorted rather than just cross out things. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted September 16, 2015 Author Share Posted September 16, 2015 I had to reread the original thesis for it to make sense to me, but I still like it. I would want the coach to tell WHY the thesis needs to be shorted rather than just cross out things. That was my thought, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 I like the revised version. I believe the first (thesis) sentence should quickly and clearly draw the reader in. The details that she crossed out are the very things he will use as part of his argument to support the thesis, no? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdrinca Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 As someone who used to grade oodles of papers in one sitting,I have such a fondness for kids who just said what they meant. In an organized manner. Period. As someone who used to read oodles of research papers with glazed-over eyes, ditto. The thesis statement shouldn't be a place for evidence or explanation (definition of government property, for example). Taking out the extra words and phrases brings the thesis statement to the argument, which is what the reader wants to know. Definition of terms used in the paper should take place in the body. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 I read the original four times before I fully got it. I completely agree with the coaches changes. As others have said, the definition of government property belongs in the argument not the thesis. Getting rid of it makes the sentence easier to read and clearer. He is talking about hanging the flag, not the mention of the flag, so getting rid of that phrase makes the statement much more to the point. Removing 'the' and 'in some' would say that this coach wants clear and concise with no extra words. I don't think the sentence is wrong if they are there, but it is better without them. Excellent suggestions from the coach. Good idea for the thesis for your son. I think they could go a long way together. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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