Chocolate for all who can help me out with this!-dealing with stress

[plain jane]

I'd like to think I'm one of those go-with-the-flow kind of gals, but in reality, I'm not. I'm super uptight and when things get stressful (and sometimes even when they aren't that stressful yet) I manage to make myself sick to my stomach by, well, stressing so much.:blink: Can this be changed?? What do I need to do to become one of those go-with-the-flow types??

 

Currently we are in the middle of a situation with the sale of our last house. I do not wish to go into details because we already have legal advice (though, to be fair, the lawyer has changed his advice on us leaving us further high and dry:glare:- ok, this is stressing me out too:lol:) but I would like some advice on how to *cope* with this situation.

 

Basically dh made a huge mistake on something he was supposed to do- not on purpose, but still a mistake. The realtor, who represented both parties (double commission) is friends with the purchaser and I have felt from the beginning that he was only there to represent them for the best deal possible. I don't have tangible proof of this (some, but nothing that I think would hold up in court), but I am not a crazed hormonal woman either, kwim?? Anyhoo, this mistake, which could have been fixed had the realtor represented us properly- and by this, I mean, spoken to the purchaser about it- is going to cost us the equivalent of 1/2 dh's monthly take-home pay. The realtor just chose not to help us out. He was out to get his friends their "deal". In fact, he outright lied to our lawyer at the end of it all and to his "friends" to make us look like horrid people and him like the good guy. The whole matter digusts me. It makes me sick that we have to pay him so much commission, that we really didn't get the $$ we should have out of our house and now that we must pay an entire paycheque to these people. I feel like we are losing on all counts and I am literally sick to my stomach.

 

Please, if you've made it this far, I'm simply asking for some advice on how to best deal with this situation and similar stressers in life. I'm learning that it is VERY difficult for me to: do, forget, move on. I'm very upset about that money. I'm hurt emotionally by the realtor. I'm devastated that we had to sell my beloved home. All of it combined makes me just ill to my stomach. But I have 4 little kids. I have to be a functioning mommy and move on. I must deal with this stress, release it and move on. So, tell me how to do that. :D

[Heather in the Kootenays]

First of all, :grouphug: We ended up paying too much for a house once because dh made a mistake. It was hard to let go.

 

Is it something you should talk to the Real Estate Board or whoever monitors realtors in your jurisdiction? I have a friend is a realtor and he tells me that realtors and their company suck up mistakes all the time - esp since he's getting double commission.

 

Next expressing my rage/frustration/fears on paper - writing it all down as fast as I can - no editing allowed - and then burning it, shredding it just getting rid of it helps me let go.

 

And as always exercise and breathing deeply always helps me with stress.

 

I still remember how hard it was for me but it's been 15 years and it really hasn't mattered in a big way.

 

:grouphug:

[Sue G in PA]

Oh, Jane. :grouphug: That just sounds like a horrible situation any way you look at it. I wish I could offer you some good advice on how to just "let it go", but I'm very much like you. I tend to hold on to things. When we first moved in to our house, we rented from the owners for a year. Well, long story short, these "Christian" people tried to evict us TWICE (I was 7 mos. pregnant the first time and had a newborn the second time) for no reason. They twisted around the wording of our lease agreement, didn't handle our security deposit well and made it look like we never paid them...just an icky situation. THEN, when we actually sat down to purchase the house with our attorney, they took us for more money that we had already paid but couldn't prove b/c of some mishandled paperwork. It's all so crazy and I've held on to that for YEARS now. All I can tell you is that it does get easier in time and I've had to learn to trust God more through it all. Vengeance is MINE sayeth the Lord...I've held on to that. We all must stand up before God and give account for all we've said and done...this realtor and the purchasers of your beloved home will as well. And, I'm not sure of your faith so forgive the Christian slant if you are not Christian...but God promises to work all things together for your good. Easier said than done, trust me I know. I'll pray that God gives you peace and helps you forgive AND that he works out the situation in your favor.

[H.S. Burrow]

:grouphug: Big hug for you Jane. I also have problems letting go of things. I haven't found anything that really works for me expect to *not* think about it....and that is *really* hard, esp if you wake up at 3:00am and can't fall back asleep....that's when my brain turns on and focuses on the things I can't let go of.

 

Prayer helps and chocolate doesn't hurt. :grouphug:

[Jenn in Mo]

I'm a roll-with it kind of gal. I'm not sure what your beliefs are, but for me, my faith is the only reason I'm able to "roll with it". Or maybe I just have the memory of a poodle. :D For the most part, when stuff goes wrong, I know that God can handle it a whole lot better than I can. I know that things will work out in the end because God has always taken care of me and He's not going to leave me on my own through any of it. The bigger the scenario, the easier it is to rely on Him because I'm even more aware of how ineffective my human efforts truly are. For the little day to day things, I have to constantly let it go and give it to God....over and and over again. "Oops! Didn't mean to pick that worry back up. Laying it in Your hands, Lord!"

 

Where I struggle, and it sounds like this is your struggle as well, is when someone "wrongs" me. Righteous indignation flares up, and regardless of how things work out in my situation, my source of anger is that someone is getting away with something that's just. not. right. Grrrrrr. I want to see some repentance! I want to know they don't think it's okay. I want the whole world to embrace "right" instead of "wrong." But they just don't listen to me. ;)

 

For me, it's really a matter of forgiveness (not easy to do when the other party won't admit to needing forgiven.) But I know that I don't deserve God's mercy and, with His help, I can choose to forgive others regardless of whether or not it is "earned." Another tool that has helped me in the past, is writing down the situation on a piece of paper to later destroy: once from my perspective and once from his perspective. It is NOT easy to be impartial here. My instinct is to say "I don't know! What WAS he thinking here? HOW could he think this is acceptable behaviour?" However, try to remember that no one thinks that what they are doing is wrong. Everyone casts their own role in rose tint. Everyone feels justified at the time. Try to walk through it. What do they see in this situation. Try to imagine him feeling righteous in what he did and why. You still know what was wrong and can forgive.

 

Not forgiving rarely means fixing the situation. The only thing that comes out of unforgiveness is bitterness. Bitterness and a hard heart. You'd be amazed how long that nasty trip can linger. Trust me. It's been nine years since my trip with bitterness. Each time I think of it, I feel a twinge. Not of anger or bitterness, but of regret. A tad bit of nausea even as I remember all the energy I wasted....who I let myself become for a while.

 

Since then, I try with all I've got to forgive and go on. Some things take a LOT of focus and work to get over. But I no longer "feed" it. I refuse to give my life over to that ugly business. Ugly business visits, but it will not define me ever again.

[dawn of ns]

Is it something you should talk to the Real Estate Board or whoever monitors realtors in your jurisdiction? I have a friend is a realtor and he tells me that realtors and their company suck up mistakes all the time - esp since he's getting double commission.

 

Ditto. If he's representing both of you he's got to take extra care in his dealings. Call whoever licenses real estate agents in your area and ask questions. They have codes of ethics they're bound to and if you start kicking up a bit of a fuss he might back off...and remember that code.

[Jen500]

First, a big :grouphug:

I agree with the others who posted about pursuing a better resolution to the real estate problem. I'm assuming you've confronted the agent already? If you've really done everything you can, then the only thing left to do is let it go and move on. The realtor is in the business of making money. Try not to be hurt by his actions.

Sometimes I write my stresses down in a journal, just to get it all out. Or listening to some music is very relaxing.

[Sparkle]

I sympathize with you entirely. I am also a person who stresses easily and finds it hard to let go of things. Financial things in particular drive me crazy. Here's my little offering that maybe will help you (the others have given great advice already): the Serenity Prayer. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

 

For me, just laying my problems out like this can be helpful. Is it something I can change? If not, then don't stress anymore. I've done everything I can, it's not up to me. If I can change it, then great. What is there I haven't done yet that I can do?

 

I'm sorry about your situation. It sucks. I hope you can find a peaceful resolution :grouphug: