Need help from those with NPD moms/parents

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[G5052]

But it sounds like a lot of us here broke the cycle for our children, and that is really an amazing thing. : )

 

It is amazing, but probably not unusual for homeschoolers.  We tend to be the types that take parenting very seriously.

 

A therapist friend once commented to me that most children of NPD parents either don't have children or are poor parents themselves. Breaking the chain and making something better is indeed not the norm.  But doing that is also very healthy for the parent making something better. The process of doing that is very healing in itself.

 

And in an age-appropriate way, our children can learn appropriate boundaries and what normal relationships are. The peak was actually about seven years ago when I just told them that we had to cut off all contact with my parents because they had gotten very, very mean and were also in the process of suing us for defamation of character over an issue that was just plain wrong.  I told them that they never have to tolerate mean behavior, even in a family member.  Now they know much more of course, and I've shared more of what I went through growing up and how it all played out in the end.  

 

Several years ago we were dealing as a family with another adult we know who has NPD tendencies.  There was a major blow-up with them that involved money and a number of other individuals. Outsiders were able to resolve it in the end, but at that point I chose to pretty much break off contact and have quietly rebuffed everything to do with them. My teens were aware of the situation  and our choice to keep away from the individual because of concerns about them.

 

Then yesterday one of mine commented again on that whole situation and how horrible it was. They observed that the adult involved had tried to get close to them a number of times during that period in a way that made them uncomfortable.  I don't know about that, but was of course pleased that they quietly handled it on their own, knowing that things weren't quite right.

[Mommy22alyns]

It is amazing, but probably not unusual for homeschoolers.  We tend to be the types that take parenting very seriously.

 

A therapist friend once commented to me that most children of NPD parents either don't have children or are poor parents themselves. Breaking the chain and making something better is indeed not the norm.  But doing that is also very healthy for the parent making something better. The process of doing that is very healing in itself.

 

And in an age-appropriate way, our children can learn appropriate boundaries and what normal relationships are. The peak was actually about seven years ago when I just told them that we had to cut off all contact with my parents because they had gotten very, very mean and were also in the process of suing us for defamation of character over an issue that was just plain wrong.  I told them that they never have to tolerate mean behavior, even in a family member.  Now they know much more of course, and I've shared more of what I went through growing up and how it all played out in the end.  

 

Several years ago we were dealing as a family with another adult we know who has NPD tendencies.  There was a major blow-up with them that involved money and a number of other individuals. Outsiders were able to resolve it in the end, but at that point I chose to pretty much break off contact and have quietly rebuffed everything to do with them. My teens were aware of the situation  and our choice to keep away from the individual because of concerns about them.

 

Then yesterday one of mine commented again on that whole situation and how horrible it was. They observed that the adult involved had tried to get close to them a number of times during that period in a way that made them uncomfortable.  I don't know about that, but was of course pleased that they quietly handled it on their own, knowing that things weren't quite right.

 

 

I had talked to DH on the phone about this while he was out with Rebecca.  Rebecca overheard part of it, so DH basically explained it.  The girls know that both parents have done mean and hateful things to me.  Rebecca agreed with everyone else in saying that we shouldn't resume contact.  She's a smart girl.  :)

 

I have also noticed that a lot of us homeschoolers here come from NPD parents.

 

 

Jelbe5,  you brought tears to my eyes.

[gardenmom5]

I see what you mean.

 

When we were dealing with the NPD relative in our lives, there was a common feeling of 'what is it now?' because it was always something, no matter what.

 

ITA on the anger and control and manipulation... It's hard.

But it sounds like a lot of us here broke the cycle for our children, and that is really an amazing thing. : )

 

it is hard.  and it is sad.  we can see the "what could have beens" if they hadn't been NPD/related.  instead - we can see how they have wasted their life, and the damage done to those they claim to love the most.

 

I stand at the apex in my family.  I see the damage I came from - but I see where my kids are heading. delightful and productive lives, positive and working to build those around them.  I grew up where it was everyone for themselves, and very cutthroat competition.  family relationship were tense at best.  my kids have a great time together - and they're adults.  I mourn the wasted relationships I came from - but rejoice in the family I created.

[G5052]

it is hard.  and it is sad.  we can see the "what could have beens" if they hadn't been NPD/related.  instead - we can see how they have wasted their life, and the damage done to those they claim to love the most.

 

I stand at the apex in my family.  I see the damage I came from - but I see where my kids are heading. delightful and productive lives, positive and working to build those around them.  I grew up where it was everyone for themselves, and very cutthroat competition.  family relationship were tense at best.  my kids have a great time together - and they're adults.  I mourn the wasted relationships I came from - but rejoice in the family I created.

 

Yes, the satisfaction of having a healthy family and a solid marriage is very real.  

 

My sibling is a damaged person who has not worked through it all (they were the "golden child" and I was the "black sheep"). It is pretty tough to turn that type of thing around in middle age.  

 

I began rebelling against the craziness as a teen and got help starting in college. I still remember the counsellor telling me at 18 y.o., "It is time for you to run your own life and forget your mother. She is very disturbed and will likely never change. You need to become who you are without her influence."

[Alicia64]

*hugs*

 

I second just not responding. Engaging shows she still has emotional control over you.

 

My mum chooses the most emotionally charged times to try and slip back into our lives. The closest I got to an apology was 'are you ready to call a truce?' 😖

I totally get the sick feeling, I'm a wreck for days after she's made contact.

 

After contact w/ my npd parents, I would eat like there was no tomorrow. My goodness, I would stop at fast food places and just chow. Food seemed to be the only thing that I found soothing.

 

I don't do that overeating thing anymore.

 

Alley

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[gardenmom5]

everything I've read the golden child has the hardest time separating out what is going on so they can grow.  it requires an even bigger paradigm shift for them than it does the scapegoat.  they've been told all their life they are this wonderful version of the NPD person's devising - for them to admit the NPD person is a manipulative abuser - means they have to reject that vision of themselves.   the scapegoat otoh . . . we've been fed carp and can now freely reject it because we *aren't* crazy.

 

my grandmother was the NPD person in my life (in those days I knew it as "guilt-tripping") - my mother was too weak to deal with her, or protect us.  my brother is NPD - and I had to cut contact after our mother's death. (he deleted files pertaining to my mother's estate from dh's computer.  gee, dh is beyond paranoid about backing up his files . . . . not only did he have electronic copies elsewhere, he had paper copies)  his adult children have also cut contact with him.   he's angry he wasn't her executor, he's angry we divided the estate up into equal shares for each of the siblings according to my mother's wishes.  (he thinks he should have gotten more), he's threatened lawsuits against us.  (he had some military legal aid send us a threatening letter.  I don't think he could get a lawyer to take the case.)  he's angry I won't get him a copy of some letter he got my mother to write in the last few weeks of her life that was placed in her hospital medical file  (iow: requires a court order.) stating she wanted him to be in charge of everything.  he even got some nurse to support him.  (I should have filed a complaint about her lack of professionalism. she was suckered.) however, along with that will be the record of the attending dr calling me and telling me the extreme manipulation of my mother he personally witnessed my brother perpetrating.  and how after consultation with hospital lawyers - he had security standing by to throw him off hospital property on my say-so.  it will also mention how that very same night, my mother (who was very mentally fragile) was calling me and saying how she knew who she was, she wasn't crazy and she wanted me to be in charge of her.  (at that point, I had no idea what was going on.)

 

at thanksgiving he sent me a 'greeting' that was polite and very short, as were previous contacts.  so, I went ahead and sent him a "merry Christmas" e-mail card - and NOTHING else.  I got back all these quotes trying to "prick my conscience" about how I've mistreated and cheated him.  (stuff I get from him on occasion)  sigh.  pretty pathetic really.  I'm still living under the threat of lawsuits from him because the statute of limitations hasn't expired yet.  (soon)  He can't manipulate me - and otherwise there is no contact.  but I feel sad for his wasted life.  he's such nasty piece of work.   - of course, it's everyone else's fault. (especially his ex-wives.  both of whom remind me of grandmamma.  grandmamma adored him, thought he could do no wrong, so it makes sense he'd marry women like her.) his adult daughter loathes him.  (she needs help, I suggested she read up on NPD parents but I think she has not.)

[Elisabet1]

Don't re open things. I did the decoy account thing too. But really, I wish I had protected my children better. I regret that I even allowed the once a year, while we were present interaction.

[Elisabet1]

I am unsure who the golden child in the family is because of our dynamics. My older sister is my half sister who my mom abandoned at birth. But she got her back later, lost her to foster care, got her back, etc. She graduated top of her class, National Merit, did everything right. I did all the same stuff. But there was this hate relationship from my parents (my dad would be her step dad I guess) because my sister had to be perfect for them all the time or they unleashed their anger on her. When she was living with them, she had to clean the entire house, pay for any food, take care of the younger children, she was a slave. All that while keeping things up at school. I did not realize this until we were older, but she gave up graduation with honors in high school to graduate early because my parents demanded she do so much work. In her case, she is a high strung perfectionist. She doesn't break the law or have financial problems. She earns good money in fact and is frugal. But she has extensive health problems and spends tons of time at the doctor which I suspect is more about her way of coping. And while I rarely speak to her now, she justifies the abuse with excuses like having more than one child is too hard to handle so abuse in inevitable. Things like that. She never married or had kids because she did not want to do to her kids what was done to us. It is sad. So she has this huge emotional baggage, that she has let destroy a lot of things in her life. And she never lets go of it.  I do not know if she would be called the golden child, because while SHE did everything right and a lot of people saw it (I was even the little sister who imitated everything she did) my birth parents did not do right by her.

 

But my brother, one of the favorite children, who really was not a good person when we were growing up, was very spoiled. My birth mother would brag on and on about him. My birthdad would call him "number one son." (although my birth dad seriously abused him, it was such a mixed message for him).  He was a mediocre student growing up, but my birth parents bragged on and on about him all the time, even though he partied, did not do anything worth mentioning academically, and so on. My older sister and I were top of our classes and both earned National Merit (but it was the midwest, cut offs are lower there) and did a ton else. As an adult, my brother did get his degree and a masters degree. But he barely functions. He is struggling with pain med addiction. He goes to multiple doctors (mostly pain doctors, but others too) and gets a variety of drugs and takes them. I do not know anything about what is going on now, as his addiction issues were way too much in the past and we cut them off, but he was doing narcotic patches last I knew, in addition to other drugs. He has not been able to move on in life. He lives near my birth mother. I have not seen him in a long time, but back when I did, he would just sit around and say he was in pain and needed more medication. He used to call me for rides to doctors an hour away, because he did not have enough drugs from closer by ones (and he does not live close by, he lives about 20 minutes away maybe) but I refused to take him. So apparently, my birthparents falling all over him and building him up did not do him any good. But then again, being built up by toxic people and buying in to it I guess would make one...toxic?

 

And my baby sister cannot hold a job. She could not raise her children much of the time. She is in the process of being fired again. One of her high school aged daughters moved out a while ago to live with her boyfriend. She got caught with drugs at school and got sent to DAEP (an alternative school for disciplinary issues). Now she is in a different alternative school and I do not even know if she attends there now. The other got sent to DAEP, right after 9th grade started, for selling drugs at school. Now she is in a different alternative school too. Thing is, my birthmother fawned over her too. She was always in trouble in school growing up, while birthmother would fall all over her and say it was not her fault. Now, as an adult, she is accountable for nothing.

 

I do not know who the golden child is. I am definitely the hated one. But, my older sister, not sure what she would be. not the golden child. Being spoiled and catered to and falsely built up did not help the younger two at all. All four of us were in foster care.