What may be a freaky question.

[Mom to Aly]

I just read about Christian, the little boy who drowned. I had signed off just before they found him the other night, and I am so, so sad, and sorry.

 

It brings to mind a question I have been wanting to ask, but afraid to. I feel this is the best place to do it, and, please, do not be harsh. I'm looking for honesty, not cruelty.

 

Since I was young, I've done this to an extent, but much more since I've had my daughter. First, I have to say, I've had a lot of death in my life, sudden, with no warning. My father, who was in perfect health, was killed when I was 19, by blatant medical negligence (they admitted it right after the hospital went bankrupt). He died a horrible, painful death. My favorite uncle died of a heart attack 9 days later, when told of his death.

 

My high school sweetheart and I were engaged when I was 21, and two days later he was killed in a car accident. I had a series of very close friends die in college, one suicide, one to AIDS (although he told no one until it could no longer be hidden), 2 to drugs, and 2 to car accidents, one to a boating accident. I lost my first child, and then my brother in law, basically due to hospital negligence, again. Several other deaths in between, but those are the ones that effected me the most.

 

So, death has been a pretty recurring theme in my life, never natural, old age or something like that. Here is my question. I find myself, at times, going into extreme panic mode, just for a few seconds usually, about my daughter. I used to do it more about fam members, after my dad died. If I couldn't get my mom on the phone (I didn't live at home) at night, or one of my sisters was out late, I'd imagine them in a car accident, if my xh was really late, I'd think the same, etc. But with my daughter, when she was a baby, I'd have to go check her crib at night, afraid she wasn't breathing. If I went out alone, which wasn't often, I'd freak out sometimes--but I wouldn't rush home, I'd make myself calm down, wait it out.

 

Now, I'm with her all the time, but I find myself doing it with things like, if she is in the shower a really long time (and she can take 2 hour showers if I leave her alone), and I am downstairs and don't hear her singing or something, by the time I get up the two flights of stairs, I'm basically hysterical. It will just suddenly occur to me that I can't hear her, even if she has been in for an hour and a half and I haven't heard her, and I freak! When I read about Christian, a little while ago, I had to run upstairs, even though she was in her room, reading, and make sure she was alright, and by the time I got there, I was nervous. I can let her go with my mom or sister or a friend somewhere, but there is often a period of time where I'll think, what if something happened, and imagine her not there.

 

So, is this something others do? Or is it just me? I will say, I got to a stage in college when I did it on purpose, I thought I was "conditioning" myself for things, preparing myself for the next death. It was happening so often, so much, it felt like that; of course, it didn't help. And this doesn't happen all the time, but it comes in spurts, like in the last week (hey, but I had cut out all fat, and that is supposed to make you depressed--maybe this is what it has done to me?).

 

Any insight would be much appreciated.

[swellmomma]

Sounds like anxiety issues and speaking with a professional could help reduce you tendancy to assume the worst and panic. I have anxiety issues, as does my son, so I know how easy it is for our minds to take us from 0-60 in half a second, thinking the worst has happened. For me my anxiety increases and decreases with my hormone fluctuations, so around the time I ovulate and AF is due, I know my anxiety is going to spike, but then it levels off again. If you are finding it impacting your life, see a professional. IF it is simply a nuisance, and infrequent use rescue remedy to help calm your nerves and get you thinking level headed again.

[elegantlion]

When I read about that dear boy it was 3am. I had gotten up because I couldn't sleep. I cried and went and kissed my son.

 

When he was little I would get into a panic over his safety. As soon as he started sleeping through the night, I'd be up to check on him.

 

My dh lost his dad when he was 9 due to auto accident. Dh has always been over cautious with ds.

 

I think what you experience is fairly normal, especially considering what you've been through in life. I wish I knew what else to say, but :grouphug:. We know how special your dd is to you.

[HomeOnTheRanch]

:grouphug:

 

In my not professional opinion, I would say your behavior is not normal, however, you have had a profound number of "triggers" in your life that would bring on these thoughts and feelings.

 

I do think it is encouraging that you recognize that this is a behavior that is extreme. I agree that talking to a professional could help you sort out your thoughts and your past and put you in a healthier place to raise your daughter.

 

Again, :grouphug:

[Chocobean]

My mother is the very very careful type. For example she drove my sister and I home to and from school, all the way until we graduated high school, even though we were in a peaceful suburb neighbourhood, our HS was next to our old elementary school, and our home was only 10 minutes walk away.

 

I am very grateful of course, but I think her being overly careful or worried has some negative aspects as well. I was denied the chance to walk home with friends, go ride our bikes together after school or go pick wild flowers in the field together. I wasn't allowed to have sleep overs or have supper at friends' houses. Even when i was in high school I was expected home by 10; my mother would call all my friends on their cell phones and demand that they drive me home immediately. My sister is the gentler kind; she knows what would worry our mother and don't even ask for things she knows might make her sad. I was the more rebellious type--I left home as soon as I was able to. I made a lot of mistakes that year, but it was the first year I felt I had really lived.

 

I don't want to blame her for just doing the best she knew how, and doing an honestly fantastic job. But I think it would have been more fantastic if I have had a more "normal" childhood.

 

My mom always says that "when you have your own children, you'll know why." I believe her, but I'd just like to share my views on the subject when I'm still "merely" a daughter. I know motherhood will change me some day, but I don't ever want to lose this perspective. So, moms, forgive my insensitivity and recklessness. Here's 2 cents from a mere daughter that I wish my mom had gotten, and advice that I desperately need later myself :

 

Cut loose. Let her have some scraped knees, cool scars, maybe even a few broken bones. Let her fall in love with the wrong boy and have her heart broken, and then next time she falls in love, let her do it again. Let her choose her friends and allow them plenty of time together, so that she can spot the gold among them from the bronze.

 

Let her make mistakes, and let her take the risks. You're responsible for loving her and being the shelter for her to lick her wounds, and I'm sure you're doing a fabulous job. You need to be her strong tower of refuge so that she is free to live and make mistakes, because she knows she's got you to back her up. You need to be brave enough for the two of you, and you need to be strong enough for the both of you. The best way to take care of her is to not let her worry about taking care of you. Don't let her become timid and afraid of life, or death, because if all goes well, she will have to live without you by her side one day.

 

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." That is the very best kind of love - the love that gives us freedom to make our choices, the love that protects in order to enable the subject one day to have no further need for our protection.

 

Your young daughter can only learn and receive from you the things you have yourself. Give her confidence. Give her peace. Give her security in love, not in circumstance by chance. Give her appreciation of the present life, but also hope for tomorrow.

 

-ungrateful daughter

[klmama]

It's a natural worry taken to the extreme. You've had some really hard experiences, and it's natural to worry about your only child, especially when you are the sole caregiver. However, if it happens often it sounds like it's more than just typical mom worry. Do you struggle with anxiety in general, or is it just about death? It is possible to have nutritional deficiencies that express themselves as anxiety. You may want to consider seeing a naturopath for supplements to treat any underlying nutritional deficiencies which can cause anxiety, or see an M.D. for medication. Of course, seeing a psychologist or other therapist to deal with the emotional baggage might be beneficial, too.

[Alenee]

I went through this but because of different circumstances. My dad left us when I was very young and my mom gave me quite a bit of responsibility because in her words, "You were my best friend." She would up and leave in a fit when she'd get angry, driving off with a cloud of dust behind her. I always jumped to the conclusion that she wasn't coming back. And over the rest of my life, I lived as if everyone was going to leave me. Fear reigned (read: ruled as a King would) in my life. I had many many other pain-filled experiences that left me tied in knots as a young adult.

 

Two years ago I went to a new physician and of course he went through the usual questions about history. I guess it was written all over my face because he put the file down and had a heart-to-heart with me. He told me that I needed to "deal" with my past. Not in the sense that you stuff it away and act like it never mattered. But deal with it in the sense of allowing it to work it's way out of me and make peace with it. His suggestion was to write. Write everything that would come out. He said that there's something about having it tangible, in front of you to hold in your hands that helps you to make peace.

 

I rolled my eyes at him for two years but this past January I was back in his office and he asked me if I'd done any writing. I said no. My dh was with me and after the appointment we went to the park to discuss the medical issues as well as the "writing". Dh encouraged me to try it. He knew that if I did, it would drain me of all energy so he promised that he would step up and take over when I needed. So...I tried it. It was probably one of the best things I could do for myself. At first I didn't know where to begin so I just started with my earliest memory and from there, things just began pouring out of me.

 

Wrapping up...I have had so much peace since doing this. I can't lie to you though and say I didn't pray my way through this. I know without a doubt Jesus was right by my side with every stroke of the pen. So to add to the encouragement to write, pray. Pray that God would give you His strength to deal with your past and to overcome it.

 

Hebrews 13:6 "So we say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid! What can man do to me?" :grouphug:

[Mom to Aly]

My anxiety is really only about death, and it is only at certain times--like lately, and, thinking about it, this time it has been when I have been ovulating, at least worse, and bad in the last month, when I have gotten "dangerously low" in fat, as my dr. put it--never had any idea that could happen, although it has gotten to the point that I can't wash my hair but every 2 weeks, and even then it is breaking off (should have guessed, I suppose). I called my dr. and she said it can trigger depression, and I have been feeling low, and anxiety--and this is how anxiety seems to manifest itself--this is the only thing I ever get what I guess are like anxiety attacks over. I never get the paralizing ones, but this is what I freak out about sometimes.

 

Like I said, I don't let it paralize me, and I fight it. But I can't help it popping into my head sometimes. I never let it stop me from allowing my daughter to do something. She has a very normal life. I have no prob with her playing, running, riding her bike. I am paranoid mommy, as in I don't let her ride the bike where I can't see her, but that comes from being raised in NYC, and having lived there most of my life, and that, from what I've read and police friends have told me is how I should be, not the other way around. That I don't intend to stop.

 

But I would love not to have this horrible feeling from time to time.

 

I thank you all for your responses. So much.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

:grouphug:

 

When you've been through as much tragedy as you have been, it's understanding that you would struggle in this area. I can understand why it's difficult for you to have peace.

 

I don't know if this helps or what your spiritual background is, but, it helps me to know that it really is out of my hands. I try to make everyday count. I make sure that my dc and dh know how much I love them and I try to make sure that I live with no regrets when it comes to my family. It helps me to focus on the positive.

 

I still panic a little when dh is late and hasn't called and I can't reach him on his phone, but, it's really out of my hands so I pray and let God's peace help me. Hope this helps a little.

[Lorna in the boonies]

I do this to some extent, but not to the extent that you struggle with it. Death hasn't been as present in my life as it has been in yours, but I have lost children (two to stillbirth and one after an hour of life). Personally, I think that once one has buried a child, one is allowed to have moments of panic regarding one's surviving children (I am saying that with a smile, but there is a small element of truth to it).

 

I am the most protective mom I know IRL. My children don't stop riding in booster seats until they reach the weight/height recommendations. They don't ride their bikes without helmets. They don't go swimming alone (in our rinky-dink above ground pool, even). They don't jump on trampolines. All of these things are what I consider to be perfectly normal safeguards and what parents should be enforcing. I don't think these things have anything to do with being overprotective, but I'm still the only one I know in real life who enforces them.

 

But there are other little ways in which I know I'm different, and in which I am a little bit 'out there' in the overprotective department. A couple of years ago, my daughter competed on a Bible Quiz team, and she traveled quite a bit. The coach was one of those people who was always late, everywhere he went. She was forever getting home hours and hours after the predicted time, and every time my imagination would work overtime. While I allowed her to stay on the team, during this time I knew exactly what picture I would use in her obituary, and I knew exactly what her obituary was going to say.

 

While I don't limit my children's activities because of my concerns, I have found that my mind will immediately jump to the worst possible conclusion more often (and sooner) than other mothers' minds will. (Do I really think my children will die in a house fire every time they spend the night with friends? No. Does it cross my mind? Every single time.)

 

From having spoken with other mothers who have lost children, I think a little bit of this is common. Even though I could not have prevented any of my daughters' deaths, as a mother I have struggled with the fact that I was unable to help them. I was supposed to be their protector, and I was unable to protect them. Even though my brain completely understands the difference, I think my heart sometimes wonders if I will one day be unable to protect my surviving children (which, of course, is true -- such is the nature of growing up). I think my heart is afraid I'm going to fail again.

 

I am a Christian, and I find comfort through praying about it -- but I still have times when I struggle with it.

[anissarobert]

Mom to Aly,

 

It sounds like you are getting some great advice, so I will just give you a hug.:grouphug: I don't think I am overprotective, but when I read the news the other night I went and checked on all my kids. I think that part is natural.

 

Just an aside, depression and hair falling out are both signs of low thyroid.

[Just a Jen in Mississippi]

I just wanted to say that I do this to a certain extent and I have only truly grieved a loss once and that was a baby I lost at 18 weeks. So, if I had been through what you have, I'd most certainly be the same way as you. And I've been this way since I was little. I can remember my parents not arriving home from a date as early as they should have and I started imagining that they died. Even now, as an adult, I can do that. Just last week, my husband was on a business trip and I was out of state as well (he dropped the kids and I off with some friends of ours). When I talked to him last, he was entering a parking garage of the hotel and said he would call me as soon as he got in. That took a little longer than he and I expected and boy did my imagination start taking over as I waited to hear back from him. My brain took off with thoughts of him being killed in the garage and with how I would get my family home...could I drive....would we fly....how would I get my car.....how would I pay for things before our insurance money.....how I would miss him...etc. It's sick! And I really got worried until he answered the phone! I have no idea why I'm that way sometimes.....but not always! Even as a Christian, losing my beloved husband or one of my children is one of my greatest fears and it plays out in my mind sometimes. It doesn't consume me, but like you said, it does pop into my head at times!

 

 

My best friend did this a lot after her dad committed suicide. I'm wondering if it's a bit of post traumatic stress disorder or something along these lines. You've experienced a lot more tragedy than most, so you may want to talk to someone about that. But more than anything, I wanted you to know that I have those kinds of consuming thoughts too. I've always found prayer to help and I like the other posters suggestion of writing things out.

[muffinmom]

I can't think of one mom I know who hasn't checked on her baby's breathing at some point. We all have our fears. But I'm sure your experiences have exaggerated those fears. It sounds like your mind won't let you rest on this issue. Have you been able to talk to a professional about it? You have a lot to overcome with so many tragic experiences, but I'm wondering if you could get some relief from the ongoing fear.

 

I'm so sorry for all you've been through! :grouphug:

[Lovedtodeath]

He told me that I needed to "deal" with my past. Not in the sense that you stuff it away and act like it never mattered. But deal with it in the sense of allowing it to work it's way out of me and make peace with it. His suggestion was to write. Write everything that would come out. He said that there's something about having it tangible, in front of you to hold in your hands that helps you to make peace.

 

I rolled my eyes at him for two years but this past January I was back in his office and he asked me if I'd done any writing. I said no. My dh was with me and after the appointment we went to the park to discuss the medical issues as well as the "writing". Dh encouraged me to try it. He knew that if I did, it would drain me of all energy so he promised that he would step up and take over when I needed. So...I tried it. It was probably one of the best things I could do for myself. At first I didn't know where to begin so I just started with my earliest memory and from there, things just began pouring out of me.

 

Wrapping up...I have had so much peace since doing this.

 

 

This really really works so much better than traditional therapy. www.tapping.com

[Pamela H in Texas]

You have post tramatic stress disorder.

 

I wouldn't normally just say something like a diagnosis outright like that. However, you are WAY obviously affected. Unfortunately, I know about it myself.

 

I would research some natural stress and anxiety options but consider also seeing a good psychiatrist and/or behavioral psychologist (not just a talk therapist, but someone who specializes in behavioral therapy). If you PM me your general area, I can ask my doctor for a suggestion if you'd like.

 

Sweetie, it doesn't have to be this bad. You can get a little better.

 

If you'd like to PM just for a shoulder, a discussion, a btdt, whatever, feel free :)

[Mom to Aly]

Thank you all, again, for your posts. To those who have added since I last posted, thank you, thank you.

 

Especially to Lorna and Jen: I've said this several times, so if you've read it before, please forgive me. Lorna, you talked about losing your babies, and the feelings you've had. I, too, have felt, and feel, the same way. Jen, I don't know if that is what you go through, but it is normal. My first daughter died when my water broke at 22 weeks, 5 days, and her lungs were not developed enough to make it. I cursed my body, wondered what I had done, wondered why, for years. I have an incompetent cervix, which it took several specialist 7 years to figure out (mine is actually a little long, shrinks tremendously once I'm pregnant, which is unusual). I am extremely religious, have never doubted the existence of a kind and loving God, and so, wondered what I had done to deserve this, and everything else in my life. I am the type of person who tries to do the right thing because it is the right thing--I don't care if anyone knows or sees, or whatever. I believe in being kind to people, doing whatever you can for them, whenever you can, etc (I married, and have divorced, a man who was the opposite, and, when I realized this, it disgusted me--I think it made me even stronger in my beliefs of how you should be, and my daughter is just like me). I could not understand where in my life I had gone wrong, but I am Hindu, and do believe in reincarnation and karma, so I figured I must be working off major past lives, or something. No, really, it just made me firmer in my belief that there is a purpose to everything, and that we will not understand it while we are on this Earth.

 

But I still had my regrets, my what ifs, my guilt over the betrayal of my body, every single day. Until I had my second daughter, who lived, after a very high risk, and complicated pregnancy (my miracle child). She was early, but has no real probs (lungs a bit underdeveloped, so asthma, which she will grow out of).

 

Since then, I do miss my first daughter, but it is different. I know that, if one thing had been different in my life, I would not have my second daughter. One thing! I know this is how it was meant to be. I can regret nothing. She has taught me to regret nothing, and I do mean nothing. I have made many foolish mistakes in my life, and I could say my marriage was one--my father was horribly emotionally and verbally abusive, and I swore I would marry the opposite. My xh was the opposite, or so I thought--but he ended up worse, much worse. He cheated on me for two years before I found out, then left with every penny we'd ever saved, and left me more than $80,000 in debt. I had to give up spousal support so that he wouldn't fight me on child support. But I can't regret my marriage because I have my daughter. I don't even regret the agreement in our divorce; I had to declare bankruptcy, but it is like a new beginning to me. We have no money, live month to month, but it has taught me how to survive in a very different way than I ever thought I could, and made me stronger than I ever thought I could be (don't get me wrong, I hate it, but it has truly changed me, I'd say, for the better). I have learned what really matters in life, and what really doesn't. And, in the end, I know, I made the right choice--I did what was right for my daughter, he did what was right for him. Since our divorce he has been so horrible to my daughter, he is not even allowed to talk to her on the phone--not that that matters, he hasn't tried to see her in more than three years. She and I, however, have an incredibly close, loving, open relationship, and I know we always will. I admire, respect and adore her. I love the person she is and is growing up to be. My daughter is my hero.

 

So, that is how I have made it through my life--I had periods where sorrow could have overwhelmed me. My faith has gotten me through a lot. And still does. I fear death--death of those I love and am close to--especially because it seems to start and not stop; it really has always come in threes for me, or sixes. Three within a month, each time. I'd gotten to where I would wait for the others, go to one funeral, and get the clothes cleaned and ready for the next. I haven't had a death close to me since my brother-in-law, who was one of my best friends, 7 years ago. And I do have these "attacks", or whatever. And it does help me to know others do it--I've wondered if I'm the only one.

 

I'd love to talk to someone about them, although I don't know that they will go away. I don't have anyone who can watch my dd when I can go, so that is sort of out (besides not having a car), but eventually, I hope to. But all of you have been so kind, and helpful.

 

Thank you so much!

[Just a Jen in Mississippi]

Thank you all, again, for your posts. To those who have added since I last posted, thank you, thank you.

 

Especially to Lorna and Jen: I've said this several times, so if you've read it before, please forgive me. Lorna, you talked about losing your babies, and the feelings you've had. I, too, have felt, and feel, the same way. Jen, I don't know if that is what you go through, but it is normal. My first daughter died when my water broke at 22 weeks, 5 days, and her lungs were not developed enough to make it. I cursed my body, wondered what I had done, wondered why, for years. I have an incompetent cervix, which it took several specialist 7 years to figure out (mine is actually a little long, shrinks tremendously once I'm pregnant, which is unusual). I am extremely religious, have never doubted the existence of a kind and loving God, and so, wondered what I had done to deserve this, and everything else in my life. I am the type of person who tries to do the right thing because it is the right thing--I don't care if anyone knows or sees, or whatever. I believe in being kind to people, doing whatever you can for them, whenever you can, etc (I married, and have divorced, a man who was the opposite, and, when I realized this, it disgusted me--I think it made me even stronger in my beliefs of how you should be, and my daughter is just like me). I could not understand where in my life I had gone wrong, but I am Hindu, and do believe in reincarnation and karma, so I figured I must be working off major past lives, or something. No, really, it just made me firmer in my belief that there is a purpose to everything, and that we will not understand it while we are on this Earth.

 

But I still had my regrets, my what ifs, my guilt over the betrayal of my body, every single day. Until I had my second daughter, who lived, after a very high risk, and complicated pregnancy (my miracle child). She was early, but has no real probs (lungs a bit underdeveloped, so asthma, which she will grow out of).

 

Since then, I do miss my first daughter, but it is different. I know that, if one thing had been different in my life, I would not have my second daughter. One thing! I know this is how it was meant to be. I can regret nothing. She has taught me to regret nothing, and I do mean nothing. I have made many foolish mistakes in my life, and I could say my marriage was one--my father was horribly emotionally and verbally abusive, and I swore I would marry the opposite. My xh was the opposite, or so I thought--but he ended up worse, much worse. He cheated on me for two years before I found out, then left with every penny we'd ever saved, and left me more than $80,000 in debt. I had to give up spousal support so that he wouldn't fight me on child support. But I can't regret my marriage because I have my daughter. I don't even regret the agreement in our divorce; I had to declare bankruptcy, but it is like a new beginning to me. We have no money, live month to month, but it has taught me how to survive in a very different way than I ever thought I could, and made me stronger than I ever thought I could be (don't get me wrong, I hate it, but it has truly changed me, I'd say, for the better). I have learned what really matters in life, and what really doesn't. And, in the end, I know, I made the right choice--I did what was right for my daughter, he did what was right for him. Since our divorce he has been so horrible to my daughter, he is not even allowed to talk to her on the phone--not that that matters, he hasn't tried to see her in more than three years. She and I, however, have an incredibly close, loving, open relationship, and I know we always will. I admire, respect and adore her. I love the person she is and is growing up to be. My daughter is my hero.

 

So, that is how I have made it through my life--I had periods where sorrow could have overwhelmed me. My faith has gotten me through a lot. And still does. I fear death--death of those I love and am close to--especially because it seems to start and not stop; it really has always come in threes for me, or sixes. Three within a month, each time. I'd gotten to where I would wait for the others, go to one funeral, and get the clothes cleaned and ready for the next. I haven't had a death close to me since my brother-in-law, who was one of my best friends, 7 years ago. And I do have these "attacks", or whatever. And it does help me to know others do it--I've wondered if I'm the only one.

 

I'd love to talk to someone about them, although I don't know that they will go away. I don't have anyone who can watch my dd when I can go, so that is sort of out (besides not having a car), but eventually, I hope to. But all of you have been so kind, and helpful.

 

Thank you so much!

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Thinking of you!

[Lovedtodeath]

Throughout history there seems to have been no limit to the injustice and pain that men and women have been willing to inflict on one another. (Ecclesiastes 4:1-3) Then there is the anguish of victims of natural disasters or of emotional, mental, and physical illnesses. It is little wonder that many ask, "Why does God allow such suffering?"

Even for those with religious convictions, suffering is never easy to deal with. You too may wonder what reason a loving, all-powerful God could possibly have for permitting human suffering. Finding a satisfying and truthful answer to this puzzling question is vital for our peace of mind and our relationship with God. The Bible provides such an answer. Please consider what it has to say as presented in the following article.