Please help me think through this...

[Miss Marple]

My 15 yos is entering 10th grade. He is an excellent student and has great academic potential. He is a steady worker, although a slower reader (but very thorough). He has played piano since he was about 6 years old and is quite good - has done well in competitions and is a favorite of his teacher.

 

We find ourselves at a bit of a crossroad this year, though, in that he is feeling very stressed with his workload. Last March we joined Boy Scouts (all 3 of the younger boys). The motivation to have the 15 year old in scouts was due to the feeling that he needed an activity that wasn't overly academic, included a physical component, and would allow him to participate in activities that we, as a family, find it hard to accomplish. In addition, his two best buddies are in scouts so it's also a social outlet. He isn't overly excited about scouts, but finds the activities enjoyable. We don't expect him to go Eagle.

 

This summer he began a job which he will work 10 hours per week (5 hours two days per week). He enjoys that also esp. because of the $$.

 

He is asking to drop either scouts or piano and I think he's mostly interested in dropping piano. He doesn't feel he has adequate time to practice and participate in all the activities his teacher would like him to do. Scouts doesn't take up much time and is a little more of a social outlet than piano.

 

I've always had a rule that I required 3 years of a musical instrument from each kid. He's the only one with real talent and who enjoyed it so he has continued. He will not be earning his living with music - he wants to be a Chef (although I think that may be a passing fancy). He has exceeded my requirement.

 

Personally, I don't think he needs to drop anything and believe that he has plenty of time to accomplish it all. The only thing that will suffer is his PC gaming and video viewing :tongue_smilie:

 

I have asked him to continue with piano this year indicating that I would consider dropping Spanish because he can pick that up in concurrent enrollment next fall. But that really only leaves him 4 classes for the year - they are reading and writing intensive, but it seems light to me. I have also told him of the possibility of taking a culinary arts course at our local tech school and he seems interested.

 

But I *hate* to have him drop piano! I love to listen to him practice and know that he gets enjoyment from it. How do I encourage him? What concessions should I make? He isn't a complaining sort of kid so I do know he feels stressed. Any advice?

[Lorna in the boonies]

I asked to drop piano at about that same age. My parents were not thrilled, but they allowed it.

 

For about 3 months, I didn't touch the piano.

 

And then my desire to play returned with a vengeance. From that point on, I played because I wanted to, not because I had to or because anyone else expected it. The piano went from being a duty-but-still-a-pleasure to being a passion.

 

I'm 41 now, and it's still a passion of mine.

 

I don't know if that's the course your son would follow if allowed to quit, and I know it would be taking a huge risk, but that's my experience, if it's worth anything.;) (It doesn't really answer your question, I realize.)

[dawn of ns]

I think my choice would be to let him drop it while he still loves it. To me the risk would be that he might grow to resent it. What is your purpose in having them take lessons afterall if not to learn to appreciate and love the music and instrument?

 

It'll give him an instrument to 'come home to' when he feels like playing music again.

[SnowWhite]

I believe there is plenty of room in his future for him to pick up his piano. You are likely to be surprised to find that he plays for pleasure, going over his repertoire even without lessons.

[Colleen]

Hi, Cynthia. I think you need to be responsive to your son's wishes now as far as electives are concerned. That fact that he's a talented musician who enjoys piano needn't change simply because formal instruction stops. He may very well continue with his playing for the rest of his life, particularly if he isn't forced at this age to continue lessons against his wishes. Perhaps strike a deal with him, suggesting he spend at least an hour a week at the piano, just to keep from getting rusty.

 

Fwiw, I wouldn't drop Spanish, as I feel strongly that students his age should be studying foreign languages. I would certainly pursue the culinary arts course, since that's a particular interest of his.

[Laurie4b]

I agree. Let him drop the piano. Reasons:

1) For him, it's an extracurricular. Let him have freedom of choice on his extracurriculars. He can continue to play without taking lessons. He can decide he wants to take lessons again in the future.

2) It sounds like Scouts fills more than one "niche" for him.

3) I don't think trading a subject like foreign language for an extracurricular that a student is ready to drop makes sense.

4) Honestly, the biggest reason is that from your post, it sounds like the piano is something he does that YOU like. It sounds like you're having trouble letting go of it for some reason. Though that's normal for us moms when it comes to our kids, I think it's really important that we "check" it. It's a way to affirm his freedom and his separateness from you that is really important at this age. I think the relationship benefits alone are worth letting him drop it.

 

My suggestion: Let him make the decision about what to drop. He's old enough to do it. Make sure you communicate that it's okay with you that he drops piano if he tends to be a pleaser. I think stretching these decision-making muscles is critically important at that age.

[tinag]

I asked to drop piano at about that same age. My parents were not thrilled, but they allowed it.

 

For about 3 months, I didn't touch the piano.

 

And then my desire to play returned with a vengeance. From that point on, I played because I wanted to, not because I had to or because anyone else expected it. The piano went from being a duty-but-still-a-pleasure to being a passion.

 

 

 

This happened to my ds(14). He wanted to quit piano and take guitar lessons. We made him finish out the year and gave him the summer off. We were about to tell him that he didn't have to reutrn to piano lessons when he ended up coming to us and telling us he wants to continue with piano. we couldn't believe it. He is very talented on the piano and we hated that is was such a chore to him, but the little break made him realize that he wanted to continue. He ahs always loved music and has just decided that hwatevr he does in life it is going to involve music and he wants to learn as much as he can and while he can.

[FloridaLisa]

I asked to drop piano at about that same age. My parents were not thrilled, but they allowed it.

 

For about 3 months, I didn't touch the piano.

 

And then my desire to play returned with a vengeance. From that point on, I played because I wanted to, not because I had to or because anyone else expected it. The piano went from being a duty-but-still-a-pleasure to being a passion.

 

I did the same thing. I quit in 10th grade because I wanted long fingernails! ;) I never really did get those long fingernails, but I got something else. I made a *huge* jump in my sightreading ability because I constantly just picked up music and played. No belaboring, no working it to perfection, but just playing for pure enjoyment.

 

I missed lessons and began them again a year or so later, took some music theory in college and have used my piano off and on in church and various accompaniament positions as an adult.

 

HTH,

Lisa

[Miss Marple]

OK, it looks like a sweep! Honestly, I don't mind him quitting piano because he has gone above and beyond anything I ever thought he would do - because he wanted to. I just would hate it if he later indicated he wished I would have made him continue - I've heard a lot of adults make that type of statement.

 

He has picked up guitar on his own just for fun so I'm probably worrying needlessly :-). And I agree that it's a decision he needs to make rather than having me make it. He's a thoughtful kid so he won't take the decision lightly.

 

Thanks for the perspective

[Hoggirl]

I have known far MORE people who stopped piano and NEVER picked it up again than those who stopped piano and picked it back up later. It sounds like the issue is his teacher. Why does he have to play in competitions? My ds is a piano kid, too, although younger. Does the teacher require Guild? Maybe he just needs someone who doesn't push so hard to do it his/her way. Does the teacher allow him to play at least some music of his choice? I am a hobby musician (classical guitar, not piano), and my hope for ds is that he, too, will be a hobbyist his whole life. I don't think he will choose to do music (at least not performance) as a career. Right now, he is still very much into the competition thing, etc., but that has been his choice, not mine or his teacher's. She does require Guild, but I know if he went to her and said he needed a break from it, she would grant that. Can't you just cut back on how much he is doing? Or the intensity level? Could he play in a praise band at church or something? I would just seek some middle ground.

Just my $0.02.

[Miss Marple]

Well, I did discuss that with him today. His teacher is wonderful and does encourage Guild and other competitions. She is very enthusiastic. One of the issues I do see, though, is that he is the only young man in her studio. All the other boys are very young. According to her it is typical for teenage boys to drop. And she is really trying to keep him encouraged. She does let him play music he likes (jazz at this time) so that isn't a problem. I think she likes having a teenage boy in the group.

 

The problem is that he feels he will let her down by not participating in all the programs. I told him that he could tell her that he could only participate in 1 activity per semester, but he felt that even that would be too much.

 

From our conversation today, it seems that he thinks he will free up more time by eliminating piano, but he is hesitant, himself, to do it because he does enjoy it. He would be happy to eliminate scouts if he could still participate in some of the activities (which probably would not be allowed).

 

My feeling is that he is making a judgment call (about time constraints) before really getting into the year. While his schedule looks daunting to him, I, personally, don't think it is. And I would like him to give it a try for a little while before quitting. But, like I said earlier, he probably won't earn his living with music. It will be a hobby.

 

These are thoughts I will definitely bring up in our conversation. I like the idea of a "middle ground" :-)

[Staci in MO]

But if something has to go, it looks like piano is the most logical choice.

 

I'm one of those adults who wishes that I had been made to continue. But in my experience, the adults who wish they hadn't been allowed to quit are the ones that can't play proficiently. I can sit down and stumble through a song here and there, but I would never be able to, for example, play for a church service.

 

It sounds like your ds has reached a level where he will be able to play for his own enjoyment and the enjoyment of others for the rest of his life. Very few people make it to that point.

 

You make a good point that he may be worrying unnecessarily about not having enough time to get it all done, though. Is this a decision that has to be made right now? Can he try to continue for a couple of months and see how it goes?

[Jan P.]

Hey Cynthia,

 

I'm one of those piano students who dropped piano after taking lessons from 8 years old to 13. We moved when I entered high school, and my parents didn't go out of their way to find me a teacher. I didn't have a car to drive nor could I at 14! So, I ended up not taking piano lessons. Now 40 + years later I play for enjoyment, but I don't feel that I play well enough to do a good job of helping out at church. I never seem to have the money to continue with lessons because I give my money for my kids' lessons (piano, art, ballet, horseback riding). If it were me, I would have my ds continue with piano and drop the scouting. He could still meet with his buddies if he wanted to do so. If you want him to do something physical then get him a bike and let him ride all over the place. I love to camp too, but you can't do it every day. You said that scouting wasn't his favorite thing, but he seemed to like piano more. Then I would opt with cutting out scouting if there had to be a choice.

[Miss Marple]

Well, we came to a bit of an agreement. He has to work through the full schedule for one month (Sept. to Oct.) and then it is his decision.

 

Our problem with outdoor activities is that we live in a rural area with a lot of traffic (kinda strange, I know). But the roads are narrow with drop-offs and lots of hills. He gets a lot of outdoor exposure since we live on 60 acres and he works outdoors for a neighbor, but the planned activities like camping are so good - it's a great bunch of folks. But I hope that he finds he can do both activities as well as school - I think it's very do-able.

[dawn of ns]

nevermind...you solved it! :D

[kate in seattle]

if you have a good Scout troop - don't drop it. Scouts did SO MUCH for my son; i honestly think it was one of the more important things we did. I know troops vary widely, but ours was unusually high percentage of Christians, good friends, and certainly experiences that would never have happened at our home.

 

kate in seattle

[Raders Fan]

Ds18, college sophomore in one week, would suggest continuing with lessons. Like Napoleon Dynamite, he's noticed that "chicks only dig guys with skills." And ds has noticed that girls seem to flock around a boy playing the piano. It's persuaded ds15 to continue his lessons as well. Of course, they seem to be selecting a few songs that the chicks will enjoy.

 

FWIW,

Jennifer

[Miss Marple]

LOL!!! That's certainly an argument for continuing :D