Helping kids deal with pet deaths

[Dory]

This week, my oldest son's Jack Russell was killed by a truck in the yard. He was rushed to the vet, but the damage was pretty severe and he had to be put down. I'm unsure of what is normal grieving behaviour for a 10yo. My dh and him built a nice box for his dog and we buried him and talked about him.

He gravitates between crying about it and then going and hiding while he cries, and pretending like everything is awesome. That wouldn't make me wonder really except that he has pulled a stuffy out of storage and started calling it by his dogs name. It gets put to bed in his old dogs bed, taken outside. taken for meals, chewed out for being under the table while he's eating and 'sent' to it's bed. He even went so far as to hunt mice with the stuffy.

It strikes me as odd for a boy his age to act like that and I'm not sure if he just not dealing with this.

 

Is this normal? How can I help him out? Any suggestions in the wiser minds on this forum?

[Carrie12345]

:-(

In our house, we haven't yet dealt with unexpected pet death.  I do think that aspect makes a big difference.  My kids have had time to say goodbye to the two pets we've had to put to sleep.

 

My daughters took it much harder when their grandmother's dog died suddenly.  I guess it was 2-3 years ago, which would put my older dd around 9-10. She did name a stuffed dog after her and talked to her quite a bit.  I don't recall her ever walking around "doing things" with the stuffed dog, but perhaps she would have if it had been her personal pet.

 

Grief takes many, many forms.

[Chris in VA]

i wouldn't worry, but continue to offer a supportive, kind ear and continue to talk about the good memories. It sounds like your boy is sweetly sensitive, and bonded tightly to his dog. I value pet relationships--but I also think they teach kids great skills for people relationships! So think how wonderful it is that he feels this deeply.

 

I would give him time to grieve. I do think it could get a little obsessive and worrying if it carries on for months and months, but you are not there yet by any means.

 

And, it gives you an opportunity to think about how YOU grieve, and become accepting of the process. Maybe he is teaching you about grief, and later in life, hopefully much later, it will be a lesson you can apply as those dear to you age and come near to death. I am there now with my parents, and I am glad for the lessons re grief that I've been taught by others thru the years.

 

Many hugs to you and your dear boy.

[texasmama]

May I recommend this book?

 

http://www.amazon.com/Tenth-Good-Thing-About-Barney/dp/0689712030/ref=sr_sp-atf_title_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1399124127&sr=1-1&keywords=tenth+good+thing+barney

 

Barney is a cat, but this is a book written to help kids with death, loss and grief.  My very best "in a nutshell" advice is to let him express his feelings and provide loving support and empathy. 

[VaKim]

Sounds like he has found his own, personal and very good way to deal with his grief. Nothing abnormal at all about it. And I sure hope 10 years old isn't too old to play pretend with stuffies and other toys because my 19 and 15 year old girls currently play with transformers and carry them around and talk to them on occasion. My youngest was sharing her cookie with one of them the other day. They are both very mature in the ways that count.

[OneStepAtATime]

I have a child of similar age in a similar situation.  I think different children react differently and must process their grief in whatever way works best for them.  I agree that you should keep an eye on him and give him lots of emotional support, but I don't think what he is doing is abnormal. He must be a very sensitive child.  Give him some time.

 

DS10 and I found one of our cats, the youngest, dead by the side of the road near our house just a few days ago.  It was a rather gruesome sight to begin with, so that didn't help at all, but when DS ran into the house to tell DH and DD, they didn't cry or seem that upset (I think DD was more upset than she let on but she is usually pretty reserved about emotions) and their lack of emotion deeply wounded DS.  I had to help him see that different people grieve in different ways, but if he needed to cry and be outwardly as well as inwardly sad it was o.k.  We retrieved the body, had a respectful burial, said a prayer, and held each other a bit which helped.  He has needed a lot more time to process through this than the rest of us, though.  We talk about it, and periodically he cries.  He is still grieving.  He sits in his room, holding onto his stuffed dog, and listening to familiar books when he is not doing school work or chores.  He started carrying his stuffed dog around all over the house, too, which is something he hasn't done in a couple of years.  But he is starting to feel better.  He just needed extra time.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[OneStepAtATime]

Sounds like he has found his own, personal and very good way to deal with his grief. Nothing abnormal at all about it. And I sure hope 10 years old isn't too old to play pretend with stuffies and other toys because my 19 and 15 year old girls currently play with transformers and carry them around and talk to them on occasion. My youngest was sharing her cookie with one of them the other day. They are both very mature in the ways that count.

Yep.  I agree.  I had a stuffed animal from my early childhood that I kept with me into my 20's.  It went with me to my first apartment.  

[Dory]

Thank you everyone. I feel somewhat reassured that it's all good. I have been talking lots with him about his memories. I grew up in a home where we were supposed to move on pretty quickly and I didn't want to do that to him, I just wasn't sure what was healthy either. He is very sensitive and that little dog was his shadow.

 

As for normally playing with stuffies, he hasn't done that since he was 4. He has never been an imaginative play type of kid either.

 

Thank you for the book recommendation.