Struggling with being a Mom vs being a teacher

[naturally]

With circumstances that have come up over the years due to life, I am in a funk of constant "school on the brain". If we aren't actually doing lessons then I am trying to figure out what to use next, why isn't something working, looking for "something".

I heard SWB talk last week at Cincy in her burnout session and she commented on being "Mom" over being "teacher". I don't know what that looks like anymore.
We are so far behind where we should be. I don't mean comparing to PS students. I mean where *we* should be. My oldest should be (and could be) doing so much more than he is. I should have introduced so many more things to him already - basic things like history and science, arts and music. All the fun things. Instead, it's a fight over doing a few math problems or writing 2 sentences or doing 1 grammar worksheet - things that should take all of 5 minutes take hours. Add in the fights over chores and I'm done.

If I could sum up our school years so far I would describe them as one big fight over any schoolwork which equals failure on my part because we don't get ANYTHING done. There is not much fun or smiles in our school anymore.

 

I want to be their mom. I just want to enjoy my kids. I know I could take some time off but we've already taken too much time here and there over the years. I want some time where I don't have to fight with them over doing school. Time that I don't have to worry about their academics and if what I am at least attempting to do is working. I want some help but.....

sending them to PS is not an option we want to consider. Finances are a big hindrance or I would get some classes on DVD.

 

What does it mean to you to be "mom" vs "teacher"? How do you cope with balancing the two? Any advice or help you can offer?

 

I really wish I could get away for a couple days and while I'm gone someone would come clean my house top to bottom and leave behind the curriculum that would work for our family all set up and ready to go. :-)

 

 

[73349]

What do they love?

[fairfarmhand]

I know my second dd was "behind" in lots of things at age 9. Third grade/fourth grade was right about the time that school stuff started to penetrate. No amount of extra work and fighting with her helped speed up that development. Nevertheless, we took summers off. She needed the break, I needed the break. She knew she was "behind." She sensed my panic, my comparisons, my disappointment, no matter how I tried to be encouraging. That made her resent school even more.

 

She needed the summers to draw pictures, write stories with 99% of the words spelled wrong and the letters backwards. She needed to play and imagine things. She needed to read books that were far below grade level because she liked them and they were fun. I needed the weeks of summer to again see her as a little girl who was wonderful, to appreciate her gifts for what they were, to remember that she wasn't a project to be fixed, but she was a child of my heart.

 

This may not apply to you. But it sure did help me.

 

He's nine. He's not a failure because he hates it and is lousy at it.

Neither arre you a failure because you haven;t instilled the joy of learning in him.

 

If you are looking for permission to put him in school. Then really start thinking it over and how it will change your family dynamic. It's okay if you do. It's okay if you don't. You're not a failure if you decide to do that.

 

But yeah, your kids need you to  be mom first.

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

For a short break:

 

Letsgolearn ADAM K-7 math test for both, $35 total, assessment plus linked to free online Kahn videos for remediation.

 

http://www.letsgolearn.com/lglsite/ADAM_math/parents/

 

For your 9 year old, my online phonics lessons for spelling and reading.

 

Fun youtube science and history videos.

 

Have your 6 year old and 9 year old play my phonics concentration game together, play with the 2 year old while overseeing the game and resolving disputes about what is a real word or a nonsense word.

 

http://www.thephonicspage.org/On%20Phonics/concentrationgam.html

[naturally]

 

But yeah, your kids need you to  be mom first.

 

And this is what I am struggling with. I've been in "teacher" mode so long and so hard, I'm afraid I don't know how to be in "mom" only mode anymore.

 

But thank you for the advice. I try to let them play, especially when they are getting along.

 

I know I don't want to put them in school. I just want to be a better mom.

[Aura]

What are you afraid of that's stopping you from putting them in PS? What do you think will happen if you do? (Good and bad) What if you DON'T? Where will your present course going to take you?

 

I ask these because I've asked them of myself. I am SERIOUSLY considering PS for my kids next year for just the reasons you listed. I am not--have not been--getting school done even close to how it should be.

 

I keep saying I'm going to do better, but I'm just not making it. Several years of undiagnosed and untreated depression have put us so far behind its not funny. And now I'm so burned out with school, if I can't afford the co-op classes, I think I'm going to have to go PS.

 

And I don't feel bad in the least for this. I want to be MOMMY, not frustrated drill sergeant/teacher.

[MeghanL]

I heard that same talk! 

What I took it to mean (and feel free to disagree with me) is that what happens during school hours stays during school hours.

 

So, anything that happens during the school day, needs to stay there and not carry over into your relationship for the rest of the day. I think this is the ideal...not anything I am claiming to have a handle on.

 

Practically speaking, if your child and you are never able to enjoy any activities together because a dynamic has been created where they are in trouble every day during school hours for lack of focus, bad attitude, or any other spectrum of behaviors...that might not be the best dynamic to continue with. Is the behavior something your child's outside teacher would write home to you about? If so, yes, absolutely there should be consequences. Is it more in the realm of normal, developmental behavior? Then you need to separate from that after the school books have been closed.

 

I have fallen into this trap before where basically the dynamic for a time was any misbehavior during school time resulted in loss of privileges for the rest of the day. I now think (and thought before I heard this talk) that that was wrong of me. Misbehavior during school time results in discipline during school time (aside from serious infractions). 

 

I'm not explaining this as well as I had intended...maybe because I still don't have a good handle on it. 

[fairfarmhand]

I can't be in mom mode when I am sitting at the house staring at a stack of homeschool materials, piles of laundry and dirty dishes. I do better when I leave the house and sit at a park with them.

 

I do okay at home if we have a game to play or a puzzle to do. I am not good at including them in craft projects or cooking. They annoy me. I give myself permission to not include them in those activities.

 

I do better if I put the books out of sight when we are done for the day. Even if we didn't get done what I had hoped.

[freesia]

And this is what I am struggling with. I've been in "teacher" mode so long and so hard, I'm afraid I don't know how to be in "mom" only mode anymore.

 

But thank you for the advice. I try to let them play, especially when they are getting along.

 

I know I don't want to put them in school. I just want to be a better mom.

Sometimes, for me, it has to do with taking control of my thought life. Have you followed the conversations about "teaching from a state of rest"? Basically, it is about stopping worrying. Also, stop trying to make/wish your child was different.

 

First: stop thinking about school things outside of school hours at least for a while. Really. At a certain time of day, every time a thought about school/your child's progress comes into your mind--stop it and think about something else. You need a break. Most curriculum will work for most children. Take a break from wondering/worrying. That may mean--gasp-taking a forum break or avoiding the curriculum discussions. Do it until you feel more at peace. Spend the time just being their Mom.

 

Many, many 9 year old boys do not like school. Many, many 9 year old boys have trouble/resist writing. No "shoulds" about where he should be. Not even if he is super bright. One thing I had to learn was to let my very bright child not be an over achiever all the time. He was still a little boy and it was okay if he worked on grade level some of the time instead of always being pushed. He also hated writing and now, at 13, writes well. My present 8 going on 9 yo hated all school until lately and still hates writing. (I was the ps school teacher who parents lauded bc now "their child loved writing". So far, 2 out of 3 of my kids hated it at the same age. I really had to step back and get myself out of it emotionally). In fact my dh, who is in the middle of getting a doctorate, hated schoolwork at 9. It's okay.

 

Try to get yourself emotional uninvested. It's hard--but take those thoughts captive. It is not up to you to make him like school or even make him succeed. For a while, concentrate on what you enjoy about him, not how he is aggravating you. Teach and parent "the kid on the couch" not the kid you thought/wish you had. Do things you enjoy with him. Do things he enjoys.

 

It sounds like you need some self-care. Make sure there is part of your day that it about doing what you enjoy.

 

When you step back, consider if there are discipline issues that need to be addressed--complaining, chores, disrespect. Come up with a discipline plan that fits your discipline style. Boundaries with children are healthy and good.

[Aura]

I can't be in mom mode when I am sitting at the house staring at a stack of homeschool materials, piles of laundry and dirty dishes. I do better when I leave the house and sit at a park with them.

 

I do okay at home if we have a game to play or a puzzle to do. I am not good at including them in craft projects or cooking. They annoy me. I give myself permission to not include them in those activities.

 

I do better if I put the books out of sight when we are done for the day. Even if we didn't get done what I had hoped.

Thanks. I had briefly thought of doing school somewhere other than home. I'm not sure why I dismissed it, but you make some good points. I might add that to my list of options.

 

But you're right. A good part if my problem right now is being overwhelmed with how many things scream for my attention. (Not meaning to hijack....)