Foster-adopt parent question

[Spryte]

Have you been in this position or were you coached how to handle it? Trying to create/maintain openness in the adoption despite being treated like villains by the birthfamily?

 

Obviously, foster-adopt so there's some back story here, and kids are not with birthfamily for a reason. Still, we are firm in our belief that openness in adoption is usually a good thing. This has played out well with one child, but with the other - it's a struggle. There's a lot of hostility coming at us. :( It can't be good for the kids to see, and we've tried to shield them from it.

 

Just struggling today with how to find a healthy balance.

 

It would help to hear stories/experiences, if anyone wants to share.

[Miss Peregrine]

We have an open adoption with some extended family but have had to suspend contact with birthmom. DS has never met his bio dad and neither have we. We really tried to let her see him but she is a user and a boundary pusher. She lies and tries to manipulate us. We send pics over email and ignore her replies demanding we let her see "her son."

 

We kept up really good contact with her dad, DS's grandfather, until he died unexpectedly last month. :(

 

We also keep in contact with his father's side, and they are great! We keep up on Facebook, text and we see them every Christmas.

 

Feel free to ask any more questions or pm if you want to talk more.

[Mommyof4ks]

We were told that any contact beyond pix in our case is not healthy for our ds, and open adoption through foster care in our area is discouraged, because so many cases involve drug use and domestic violence, neither of which are healthy for the kids. If the birth family is not respecting your boundaries, then they are not benefitting your child. Maybe stick to pix and letters for a while. I know open adoption is the trend right now, but I know many adults who have never looked for their birth families even if they know how to contact them, so do not feel like you are depriving your child of family if that family is toxic. Your family really is enough. Adoption though foster care is rough, and it is not for the faint of heart for sure, but ultimately this is your child now and he needs your protection. Whatever you decide know that you can change your mind later if circumstance change.

[Kylie]

I have never been the parent in that situation but I was the kid in that situation. I was 13 when I was adopted.  Honestly, there will probably never be hugs from the birth parents. It took my birth mom many, many years to grow up and realize that it was her mistakes that lead to my being adopted by another family. You will probably be hurt a lot in the process of giving your child a loving home and life. It's worth it and you are amazing for doing it!

 

But until the birth parents grow up, you have to be the adult and sit them down and have a talk (without the child). Explain to them that you want to have an open relationship with them so that you can all enjoy the child that you ALL love. Tell them that you understand that this situation is hard for them, but that it is also hard for you. Tell them that you need their help to make sure that "child's name" is happy and healthy. And that you don't want the stress between you and the birth parents to cause the child stress (believe me, it does. I've been in the middle before). Set boundaries. Let them know that while around the children, there will be only positive talk and behavior. They need to understand that making a child feel guilty or like they need to choose between two sets of parents they love is wrong and hurtful. An older adopted child will struggle with guilt over feeling disloyal to their birth family regardless but a peaceful relationship between the families can help. Just try to make sure you keep the talk as friendly as possible while still setting strong boundaries that will protect the child. 

 

Also, just something I wish someone had made sure my adoptive mom understood...make sure that you, as the adoptive parent, never talk negative about the biological parents in front of your child. As an older adopted child, I knew the problems my birth mom had but I still loved her and felt beyond hurt when my adoptive mom pointed out my birth mom's faults or made my birth mom seem as thought she wasn't as good as my adoptive mom. To me, they were both amazing women in different ways. I had enough love for both of them. (I'm sure you already know this but coming from an older adopted kid's perspective it's the bit of advice I feel can truly make or break an adoptive relationship)

 

I hope this was helpful. I know that being an adoptive\foster parent can be very hard and hurtful. But thank you for doing it.

[Ottakee]

Wishfullycontent---thanks for sharing. We are the adoptive parents of 3 kids from 2 different bio families.  I wish more training was done by having kids who were in foster care/adopted come and talk about their experiences and how the foster/adoptive parents can make things better/easier, etc.

 

In our case, our son has various levels of contact with aunts and uncles, bio siblings, and recently bio dad.  We base that on if it is a healthy thing or not.  I agree with setting the limits and if they can't be followed right now then reducing contact to maybe just letters and pictures or even more depending on the situation.

 

Our girls have no contact with any bio family but I would love to find their 6 older bio siblings (by 5 fathers in 2 other states) but the siblings don't know we exist so it is much harder.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Spryte]

Thanks so much, everyone. I am on a phone, so will respond more later, but wanted to send a big thank you for sharing right now. It helps. :)

[Pamela H in Texas]

We have openness (various levels depending on with whom, none as open as I wish, but health/safety come first and practicality gets in the way of my ideal sometimes).  Thankfully, one thing we also have is a respect for where we all are in these relationships as well as enough measure of maturity (or at least sense) to be nice. I absolutely would shut things down to the degree necessary and for however long as necessary though.  I have said from the get-go that this is about what is safe and healthy.  Regardless of level of openness, we are open about other family members, loving them, them loving our children, wanting the best for them, them wanting the best for our children, etc.  We are also open about aspects of the case. There have been times when the kids needed a little more reality.  There have been other times we have had to teach them some empathy so they weren't so hard on first parents.  I have a much easier time of all that than does my hubby.

 

Anyway, I would do just as wishful said, sit them down, explain the requirements, be empathetic but firm.  And hope....

''

[LMV]

I think with foster care placements and adoption through foster care it is generally a good idea to pay attention to what contact and what kinds of biological family contact are allowed/recommended by the judge, case workers, and any involved therapists. I would try very hard to channel empathy and compassion and be as nonjudgmental as possible.  I would also recognize and acknowledge that further contact with the biological family is not always in the best interest of the child.   Some children can only begin to heal when they are assured that they will never have to have any further contact with their abusers.  This has certainly been true for our, DD14.

 

Ultimately you have to do what is right for your child.  If you have two children from different families coming into your family that doesn’t mean you have to have the same relationship with both families going forward.  We have never had any voluntary contact with any of DD14’s biological family.  One of her parents is incarcerated due to abuse/assault charges.  Her other parent is supposed to be finally going to trial this summer on similar charges.  For more than four years that latter parent has played family and criminal courts against each other, appealed every attempted TPR, stalked, and attempted to stalk DD14 (who was DFD10 when the stalking behavior started).  Throughout this we have done everything possible to protect and support our daughter.  We’ve pursued protective orders, pursued having protective orders revised to close up loopholes that were being thwarted by this parent, and channeled patience and perseverance through a TPR process that lasted three years.  We all rejoiced when the adoption was finally finalized last summer.  Unfortunately we’re still in protection mode and probably will be until this parent is actually sent to prison which should happen this summer.  In contrast, DFD9 and DFD5 went into foster care because their parents died in a car accident because another driver made a poor decision and ran a red light. Their maternal grandfather (their only surviving biological grandparent) was in very poor health shortly after their parents death and was not able to raise them at that point.  Now, he’s survived a long ICU course, an almost longer PM&R course, and is back to independent living and life.  He wants to be a part of their lives but also recognizes he is unlikely to be able to raise them into adulthood.  He appreciates that our family is in a position to do that and we appreciate that he is in a position to help the girls hold onto the love that their parents both had for them.  He is and always will be their grandfather and we support and facilitate his relationship with the girls because we believe it is in their best interest.  In turn he supports our family because we are his granddaughters' parents.