My mother wrote this in my 13 yo son's birthday card:

[Joanne]

There are many things I think about my children. None of the negative ones would be documented in a birthday card. Except, maybe a reference such as "you've worked so hard this year!"

 

My vote goes to inappropriate and even it funny, a fail.

 

I also hate teen stereotypes. I have 1 that fits, and 2 that don't, and the stereotype serves none of them.

[Tammyla]

Wow, my heart is hurting for your ds.  I'd want to go all momma-bear on her; that was just mean.

 

If that was an attempt at humor, I still think grandma needs to be set straight; it was not appropriate or appreciated and is not going to happen again.  A part of me would be tempted to send a nasty thank-you note, but that would probably backfire or reinforce whatever is mixed up in her mind.

 

 

[ThelmaLou]

Wow, thanks for all the replies! I can tell each and every one of you, your entire range of thoughts have crossed my mind, from "she's probably trying to be funny in her own way" to "she's picking on this particular kid" (which she does tend to do...no excuses, but if any kid in my house were easy to pick on, it's him.) I don't really think she intended to be downright mean, I just think it was terribly poor judgment. I thought the exact same thing as many of you regarding turning it around and asking if the opposite would be appropriate :"Mom, as someone who lives with us, you've demonstrated that you're pushy, selfish, manipulative, bossy,narcissistic, lazy, and mean to your husband who is suffering severely with Parkinsons, dystonia, and dementia. Despite all that, we love you, because the Bible says to honor your father and mother."

 

I wouldn't have guessed that she looked this particular greeting card quote up, because I find it so inappropriate. I also figured, this did actually describe pretty accurately this child, though it really doesn't describe any of my others. That's why I would've guessed she made it up herself. I looked at the source of all those birthday card ideas, and many were ridiculous, but she had to pass over several sweet and kind ones to arrive at the one she chose. Very sad.

 

What I found *very* interesting, and something that resurrected some old wounds, is that this is not the first time she's "plagiarized" if you can call it that. When I was a senior in high school, the faculty of the school requested that each set of parents compose a letter to their child, to be opened on the senior trip. I opened mine, and it was quite long. I started reading it, and it was painfully obvious that it was canned. I had a horrible relationship with my mother growing up. It got better after I moved away from home. It has gotten worse since they moved in with us 4 years ago. It's not that we argue, insult, etc...each other. We are civil with one another. Or rather, I'm civil with her. She hasn't changed a bit. Anyhow, that letter was very hard to swallow, because I could tell she got it from a book, poem, or something of the sort. There's no way she wrote it. It wasn't personal at all, where she referred to anything specific to me. It was very lofty. As in, "My daughter, as you launch into this new phase of your life, I want to say, I give you love, Lisa. Love to open your heart and embrace the world.....blah blah blah. I give you courage, Lisa, ...." It was clear she plugged my name into the blanks throughout the letter. It was pretty long, and the whole letter followed a certain pattern. I was disgusted and hurt. Not that we had a great relationship. We had a horrible one. But it reminded me of the reality of that. I didn't even make it through the whole letter. I just threw it away. I never said a word to her about it. Probably because of the deafening silence, she asked me if I ever received it. I simply answered "Yes." and that was the end of it.

 

Again, just before I got married, she sent me a similar canned letter that was very vague (not personal in any sense) about the inseparable bond between a mother and daughter. WTH????? It was clear as soon as I started reading that this was just like the one from high school. It focused on the fact that nothing could come between the love of a mother and daughter. I didn't acknowledge the letter and didn't even bother to tell her that there was, indeed, at least one thing that could come between us. His name was Matt...you know, that guy who I was marrying? Yeah, that's the one.

 

So it's not unfamiliar that she would copy the content of this card. I just never imagined that for something so amazingly short, she'd have to go onto the internet to find something because she couldn't articulate anything herself. 

 

We ended up, after reading all the responses, going to talk to her about several things. One was the way she's been barking out orders to my kids when I'm gone. It started a few months ago. I was suffering from intense anxiety and depression that came on after long periods without any measurable sleep related to an ailment that was causing choking episodes. Very scary stuff. With the sudden lack of sleep, things spiraled out of control, and never having suffered anxiety or depression in my life, I found myself as bottomed out as I've ever been. I was truly incapacitated. People were bringing meals, driving my kids places, etc...I spent most of my days trembling, exhausted, depressed, and wishing I would just die. During that time, my mom stepped in to help bring some kind of order to the household. She quickly started overstepping the bounds, though, and I didn't deal with it at the time. She even started bringing home decor items into the house and putting things on my fireplace hearth, counters, walls, completely uninvited. I finally had to tell her that she was crossing boundaries that were not appropriate. She went into "I'm just a bad mother" mode and "I can't do anything right." Manipulation. To make you pay so bad that you never want to confront her about anything. It works. I hate discussing things like this with her. But hubby and I are actually committed to actually talk about things whether she "punishes" us or not. 

 

Anyhow, the first thing we discussed is how the kids need one mom and one grandmother. Not two moms policing their chores, behavior, etc...She didn't like this and cried. We put that to rest matter-of-factly and moved on to the next topic.

 

Instead of resurrecting the card (it was given in December), we talked about this particular child and the struggles he was going through. We stressed that we ourselves had made mistakes regarding his behavior, thinking that some things were punishable offenses, when really they were cries for help. Our other children responded very well to our loving discipline (which, yes, did involve spanking at times.) He doesn't seem to respond to anything of the sort, and seems to get worse as he gets older. He's just a very annoying person. After doing much research online, I think he has sensory processing issues, his particular bent being that of a sensory seeker. So he crashes, bangs, flings, stomps, bumps, talks very loudly, fidgets, taps, kicks, obsesses about everything, nags, begs, harasses, and to top it all off, is very lazy and a blameshifter. His other brothers recognize it, and don't have much patience for him at all. We've been talking to them all lately, about how much more he needs patience and love, rather than ridicule or blame. It is very tough to impart this to them, and a challenge for my husband and I, too. (Not the ridicule and blame, more like impatience.) We're really trying to create positive experiences for him to succeed, to take responsibility, to help his brothers, to praise him, to love on him, to give him outlets for his energy, to help him work through some emotional issues, etc... Anyhow, we shared this with my parents, stressing that we, as a family, really need to be extra sensitive to him in particular, since he knows he's a difficult person. As a previous poster shared, these behaviors and the comments he receives about them can become self-fulfilling prophesies, and what we might be able to say to one child, we should never say to this one. We took it as kind of a "hey, we just wanted to tell you all this so we can all be sensitive and on-board with what this child really needs right now. Please join us in this." I think it was ultimately a more positive way to direct the conversation than to re-live the card incident. It communicated what we needed to say, which was, "This child needs to be loved on, not insulted, even if it's in a playful way." I think our mission was accomplished.

 

Like I said above, though. I can't believe it slipped my mind that she could have pulled this quote from somewhere else. She's done it before. It shows what a lonely person she is, lacking in relationships altogether. It's like she wants to be close, but does things that make people want to avoid her. If you "let her in" emotionally, she tries to dominate. She's getting exactly what she doesn't want, and doesn't understand that. I guess it's a little like my son, in that regard. I try to have compassion on her. I don't make excuses for her behavior, but I try to give myself explanations for why she might do what she does. Both she and my son want so badly to fit in, and everything they do seems to demonstrate the exact opposite.

 

Ugggh. Well, there's so much more I could tell. I'm sure all of you have that family member (or members) about whom you could write volumes. There's so much more behind her dysfunction, as well as my dad's. Bringing them into our home when their health started declining was a tough decision. I feel like we're doing the right thing. I hope our boys see us as honoring them in that way. I hope they see that in love, we confront them even when it's uncomfortable. I hope they see that we don't tolerate inappropriate behavior, but that we also have compassion on people who don't know how to get out of the holes they dig. I hope spiritually, that the see that "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." We have been forgiven much, and should love much. I wish the takeaway of them living with us was a storybook memory of Mimi and Grandpa and those precious years they stayed in our home. That will not be the memory. I pray that good will come of the difficulty, though. I trust that it will, in God's timing.

 

 

[Catwoman]

Wow, thanks for all the replies! I can tell each and every one of you, your entire range of thoughts have crossed my mind, from "she's probably trying to be funny in her own way" to "she's picking on this particular kid" (which she does tend to do...no excuses, but if any kid in my house were easy to pick on, it's him.) I don't really think she intended to be downright mean, I just think it was terribly poor judgment. I thought the exact same thing as many of you regarding turning it around and asking if the opposite would be appropriate :"Mom, as someone who lives with us, you've demonstrated that you're pushy, selfish, manipulative, bossy,narcissistic, lazy, and mean to your husband who is suffering severely with Parkinsons, dystonia, and dementia. Despite all that, we love you, because the Bible says to honor your father and mother."

 

I wouldn't have guessed that she looked this particular greeting card quote up, because I find it so inappropriate. I also figured, this did actually describe pretty accurately this child, though it really doesn't describe any of my others. That's why I would've guessed she made it up herself. I looked at the source of all those birthday card ideas, and many were ridiculous, but she had to pass over several sweet and kind ones to arrive at the one she chose. Very sad.

 

What I found *very* interesting, and something that resurrected some old wounds, is that this is not the first time she's "plagiarized" if you can call it that. When I was a senior in high school, the faculty of the school requested that each set of parents compose a letter to their child, to be opened on the senior trip. I opened mine, and it was quite long. I started reading it, and it was painfully obvious that it was canned. I had a horrible relationship with my mother growing up. It got better after I moved away from home. It has gotten worse since they moved in with us 4 years ago. It's not that we argue, insult, etc...each other. We are civil with one another. Or rather, I'm civil with her. She hasn't changed a bit. Anyhow, that letter was very hard to swallow, because I could tell she got it from a book, poem, or something of the sort. There's no way she wrote it. It wasn't personal at all, where she referred to anything specific to me. It was very lofty. As in, "My daughter, as you launch into this new phase of your life, I want to say, I give you love, Lisa. Love to open your heart and embrace the world.....blah blah blah. I give you courage, Lisa, ...." It was clear she plugged my name into the blanks throughout the letter. It was pretty long, and the whole letter followed a certain pattern. I was disgusted and hurt. Not that we had a great relationship. We had a horrible one. But it reminded me of the reality of that. I didn't even make it through the whole letter. I just threw it away. I never said a word to her about it. Probably because of the deafening silence, she asked me if I ever received it. I simply answered "Yes." and that was the end of it.

 

Again, just before I got married, she sent me a similar canned letter that was very vague (not personal in any sense) about the inseparable bond between a mother and daughter. WTH????? It was clear as soon as I started reading that this was just like the one from high school. It focused on the fact that nothing could come between the love of a mother and daughter. I didn't acknowledge the letter and didn't even bother to tell her that there was, indeed, at least one thing that could come between us. His name was Matt...you know, that guy who I was marrying? Yeah, that's the one.

 

So it's not unfamiliar that she would copy the content of this card. I just never imagined that for something so amazingly short, she'd have to go onto the internet to find something because she couldn't articulate anything herself. 

 

We ended up, after reading all the responses, going to talk to her about several things. One was the way she's been barking out orders to my kids when I'm gone. It started a few months ago. I was suffering from intense anxiety and depression that came on after long periods without any measurable sleep related to an ailment that was causing choking episodes. Very scary stuff. With the sudden lack of sleep, things spiraled out of control, and never having suffered anxiety or depression in my life, I found myself as bottomed out as I've ever been. I was truly incapacitated. People were bringing meals, driving my kids places, etc...I spent most of my days trembling, exhausted, depressed, and wishing I would just die. During that time, my mom stepped in to help bring some kind of order to the household. She quickly started overstepping the bounds, though, and I didn't deal with it at the time. She even started bringing home decor items into the house and putting things on my fireplace hearth, counters, walls, completely uninvited. I finally had to tell her that she was crossing boundaries that were not appropriate. She went into "I'm just a bad mother" mode and "I can't do anything right." Manipulation. To make you pay so bad that you never want to confront her about anything. It works. I hate discussing things like this with her. But hubby and I are actually committed to actually talk about things whether she "punishes" us or not. 

 

Anyhow, the first thing we discussed is how the kids need one mom and one grandmother. Not two moms policing their chores, behavior, etc...She didn't like this and cried. We put that to rest matter-of-factly and moved on to the next topic.

 

Instead of resurrecting the card (it was given in December), we talked about this particular child and the struggles he was going through. We stressed that we ourselves had made mistakes regarding his behavior, thinking that some things were punishable offenses, when really they were cries for help. Our other children responded very well to our loving discipline (which, yes, did involve spanking at times.) He doesn't seem to respond to anything of the sort, and seems to get worse as he gets older. He's just a very annoying person. After doing much research online, I think he has sensory processing issues, his particular bent being that of a sensory seeker. So he crashes, bangs, flings, stomps, bumps, talks very loudly, fidgets, taps, kicks, obsesses about everything, nags, begs, harasses, and to top it all off, is very lazy and a blameshifter. His other brothers recognize it, and don't have much patience for him at all. We've been talking to them all lately, about how much more he needs patience and love, rather than ridicule or blame. It is very tough to impart this to them, and a challenge for my husband and I, too. (Not the ridicule and blame, more like impatience.) We're really trying to create positive experiences for him to succeed, to take responsibility, to help his brothers, to praise him, to love on him, to give him outlets for his energy, to help him work through some emotional issues, etc... Anyhow, we shared this with my parents, stressing that we, as a family, really need to be extra sensitive to him in particular, since he knows he's a difficult person. As a previous poster shared, these behaviors and the comments he receives about them can become self-fulfilling prophesies, and what we might be able to say to one child, we should never say to this one. We took it as kind of a "hey, we just wanted to tell you all this so we can all be sensitive and on-board with what this child really needs right now. Please join us in this." I think it was ultimately a more positive way to direct the conversation than to re-live the card incident. It communicated what we needed to say, which was, "This child needs to be loved on, not insulted, even if it's in a playful way." I think our mission was accomplished.

 

Like I said above, though. I can't believe it slipped my mind that she could have pulled this quote from somewhere else. She's done it before. It shows what a lonely person she is, lacking in relationships altogether. It's like she wants to be close, but does things that make people want to avoid her. If you "let her in" emotionally, she tries to dominate. She's getting exactly what she doesn't want, and doesn't understand that. I guess it's a little like my son, in that regard. I try to have compassion on her. I don't make excuses for her behavior, but I try to give myself explanations for why she might do what she does. Both she and my son want so badly to fit in, and everything they do seems to demonstrate the exact opposite.

 

Ugggh. Well, there's so much more I could tell. I'm sure all of you have that family member (or members) about whom you could write volumes. There's so much more behind her dysfunction, as well as my dad's. Bringing them into our home when their health started declining was a tough decision. I feel like we're doing the right thing. I hope our boys see us as honoring them in that way. I hope they see that in love, we confront them even when it's uncomfortable. I hope they see that we don't tolerate inappropriate behavior, but that we also have compassion on people who don't know how to get out of the holes they dig. I hope spiritually, that the see that "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." We have been forgiven much, and should love much. I wish the takeaway of them living with us was a storybook memory of Mimi and Grandpa and those precious years they stayed in our home. That will not be the memory. I pray that good will come of the difficulty, though. I trust that it will, in God's timing.

 

 

ThelmaLou, I realize that you have a lot of history with your MIL, but I do think you're looking at this birthday card situation in the wrong way.

 

OK, she's not Grandmother of the Year, but she cared enough about your ds to take the time to go online and search for ideas on what to write in his birthday card. She could have just bought a generic card, signed it, and been done with it, but she didn't do that. She went out of her way to try to find a funny sentiment to handwrite in the card.

 

I get it that you didn't like the message. But so what if her sense of humor is different from yours? She tried. She made an effort. She wanted to write something special in your ds's birthday card, and she wanted to make it perfect, so she went online and searched through what may have been hundreds of canned messages to find just the right one.

 

But you're still angry because she didn't pick a sweet one that you would have liked, and then you criticize her for not being creative enough to know what to write in a card.

 

Honestly, I think you need to step back from this and try to look at it without the history coloring your views. I read your posts and I absolutely understand why you have resentment toward your MIL. I just truly believe that in this particular incident, you're not seeing that her intentions were actually very sweet. 

 

It's pretty clear that she loves your ds, and I think that's what matters most here.

[ThelmaLou]

Catwoman, 

Just to clarify, this is my mom, not my MIL. I do agree that she wasn't trying to be hateful. She did make an effort. She does love my kids and wants to have that reciprocated. It was just very bad judgement, though, and remains consistent with her history of bad judgment. There just always seems to be drama surrounding her, and my thought was, "Can't she even give a birthday card the right way?" This was not a biased question against her. If *anyone* else had given this card, I would have been just as hurt for my son, and just as adamant that it was inappropritate. I'm sure there are times when I wrongly assign motives. I once saw one of those e-card pictures that said, "Just look at that b**** over there in the corner eating that cracker like she owns the place." I had to laugh. When someone drives you batty, they can't even breathe right. But the situation with the card is not like that. It was truly not appropriate. Again, I don't question her motives. I just continue to be bowled over by her interactions with just about anyone. Also, as I said previously, she's much like my son. I know he doesn't want to be offensive or difficult, but everything he does seems to contradict that. It's like he doesn't know how to help himself. We're trying to help him and assume the best. We're trying to assume the best with her, as well. She gives us lots of practice, believe me :)

 

ETA: I always write my own cards, and don't understand the difficulty part. I mean, the purchased card already has a pre-printed message. I just add my own, "Dear Son, we are so blessed to be your parents. Your sense of humor, determination, and creativity really bring such rich diversity to our family, and you hold a special place in all of our hearts. We're looking forward to what the next year brings for you, and watch eagerly as you continue to grow into the young man that God has planned for you to be. We cherish you and hope this birthday brings wonderful memories!

Love, Mom and Dad

 

I know this doesn't come naturally to everyone, but even a simple, "We love you very much. You are such a special grandson. Have a fantastic day!" would suffice. I do not see this as difficult, and still don't understand having to "look up" things to say to someone you love. 

 

ThelmaLou, I realize that you have a lot of history with your MIL, but I do think you're looking at this birthday card situation in the wrong way.

 

OK, she's not Grandmother of the Year, but she cared enough about your ds to take the time to go online and search for ideas on what to write in his birthday card. She could have just bought a generic card, signed it, and been done with it, but she didn't do that. She went out of her way to try to find a funny sentiment to handwrite in the card.

 

I get it that you didn't like the message. But so what if her sense of humor is different from yours? She tried. She made an effort. She wanted to write something special in your ds's birthday card, and she wanted to make it perfect, so she went online and searched through what may have been hundreds of canned messages to find just the right one.

 

But you're still angry because she didn't pick a sweet one that you would have liked, and then you criticize her for not being creative enough to know what to write in a card.

 

Honestly, I think you need to step back from this and try to look at it without the history coloring your views. I read your posts and I absolutely understand why you have resentment toward your MIL. I just truly believe that in this particular incident, you're not seeing that her intentions were actually very sweet. 

 

It's pretty clear that she loves your ds, and I think that's what matters most here.

 

[elfgivas]

thanks for the update.  good luck!  i hope there is some good that comes of it all....

ann

[Lisbeth]

Very odd. i would tell her that she may not remember, but 13 year olds are sensitive and insecure, and putdowns in a birthday cared may not sit well. Then I would tell her to knock off the mean stuff.  Good luck!