Moving parents into assisted living - advice?

[SebastianCat]

I know many of you have BTDT.   We are starting the process of moving DH's parents into an assisted living facility.   They live in a house that's too big to care for, 4 hours away from their closest family, and have been having safety and medication issues, missing doctor appointments, getting lost while driving, etc.    DH and his siblings are having a "family meeting" next week with MIL & FIL and hopefully we can start actively working on getting them moved after that.   We will ask them to agree to move into assisted living no more than 20 minutes from one of their kids.   MIL has a chronic progressive lung disease and FIL has early stage dementia and a history of a stroke.

 

So, for those of you who have been through this, what is your best advice for someone just starting out?   Anything you wish you knew before you started?  Anything in particular I should look for, ask for, or red flags in a facility?

 

Thanks.

[OrganicAnn]

I would have the kids visit all the facilities you can find and then narrow them down to the ones you think would work.   Only take your parent to see at most 3 choices.   You don't want to confuse them with choices.    If possible, just have one picked out.     If possible immediately move them in.  

 

Once you get them moved in, then make sure you all visit them a lot.   Send them lots of cards.    Make their rooms comfortable.   Take old and new pictures of family.  

 

These are usually very hard transitions, because most people don't want to give up their independence.

 

Make sure all the kids agree.   If one doesn't agree, then let them talk about why and what they would do.  

 

Make sure you have 1) financial power of attorney in place and 2) healthcare power of attorney.  (or whatever it is called).

 

This is a very difficult time. 

[AK_Mom4]

Everything takes much longer than you think it will. Even when you are moving quickly, someone else will think it's too slow. Expect lots of feelings to get hurt. Someone other than the parents has to do the actual work of moving them and that can cause misunderstandings too. Take lots of pictures and print them before the move.

[ZooRho]

Check out http://www.aplaceformom.com/
They will help you find a place that you need for your family.  We moved my parents 2 years ago to a Continuous care facility,  my mom is in the independent living section.  My dad was in the memory care unit until he passed in '12.  

I would make sure that the place can care for people with dementia- and possible wanderings.  

Also they may not need assisted living but a senior living facility that will offer some ammenities.  My mom gets 2 meals a day, housekeeping, and there are activities there for her to do.  I am hoping that she is able to live where she is at till she passes.

It is a tough place to be. I'm in VA and my mom is in TX with my brother.

If he is a war vet check out this place.
http://www.usawarvet.org/
 

[G5052]

You need to address their finances as well.  The director at the place where my mom was always recommended having someone else take over their finances at that point, either a local bank that was reliable or a family member.  The reality is that if they are ready for assisted living, they probably shouldn't manage their finances.

 

However...of course this is a tough one.  My mother refused and there were all kinds of problems and fraud.  It was quite a mess.  At one point the assisted living was going to evict her because she had run out of medication (they managed her medication) and the mail order pharmacy refused to ship more until she paid her bill.  Another time she forgot to pay her rent, and then got mad at the director because she thought she was lying about being late.  Once again the director called me, warning me that my mother was about to be evicted.  Thankfully a family friend was able to work that one out.  I wish we hadn't had to go through that as many times as we did.

[SebastianCat]

Thank you all for your responses.   We are working through all of the issues you mentioned, so it's very helpful to hear your advice.   

[Laura Corin]

From seeing my parents-in-law move: don't be surprised if formerly very polite and genteel people become, in the stress of the process, anything but.  My MIL, who had always had the most perfect manners, became a complete cow, particularly to the professionals helping her move.

 

In addition - don't be surprised if there is a deterioration in the old people's health after they move, even when they are given excellent care.  FIL's condition slowly worsened, as expected, but MIL, who had been healthy, sickened quite suddenly.  I've heard several such stories.

 

Best wishes

 

L

[Alenee]

 

 

In addition - don't be surprised if there is a deterioration in the old people's health after they move, even when they are given excellent care.  FIL's condition slowly worsened, as expected, but MIL, who had been healthy, sickened quite suddenly.  I've heard several such stories.

 

Best wishes

 

L

 

This, definitely.  I work in a care and rehabilitation facility and quite often, the residents get either depressed and stay in their rooms or too comfortable with the immediate care for all of their needs; this can quickly lead to decline. 

[JonesinIndiana]

Keep their credit/debit cards in a safe place. Maybe a safe w a  key in their room or a safety deposit box in town? 

 

My parents' W@lmart card was compromised in their nursing home. A $2700 spending spree at 3 different W@lmarts with almost half of that total in cash back and a big screen TV with an extended warranty (complete with name and address :huh:) : we're waiting for an arrest.  My sister hasn't told my parents.  They would worry away the last few months/years of their life.

 

Don't get me started on W@lmart.... :cursing: :cursing:

 

[sheryl]

From seeing my parents-in-law move: don't be surprised if formerly very polite and genteel people become, in the stress of the process, anything but.  My MIL, who had always had the most perfect manners, became a complete cow, particularly to the professionals helping her move.

 

In addition - don't be surprised if there is a deterioration in the old people's health after they move, even when they are given excellent care.  FIL's condition slowly worsened, as expected, but MIL, who had been healthy, sickened quite suddenly.  I've heard several such stories.

 

Best wishes

 

L

That does seem to be case - deterioration after the transition.  

 

As Organic Ann said, visit them often.  This may help with the above.  Try as much as possible to keep them physically and mentally active.   I can't tell you how important this is.

 

 

[datgh]

Make sure whoever they will be living close to has the time to take them to all doctors appointments and be available for extra care if they become ill. Also, it takes a lot of time to manage the paperwork and finances. My SIL thought once my MIL was settled in assisted living that she would finally have a little time again and that has not proven true at all.  If anything it has been the opposite!  Have patience with which ever sibling takes on the responsibility. My SIL would recommend you see a lawyer who specializes in elder care because they helped her save a lot of MIL's money.

 

I will say my MIL who has dementia has actually improved quite a bit since moving into the assisted living.