Have you ever been killed with kindness?

[TXMomof4]

I have an amazing group of friends. Really, really amazing. It is a group of women who range from mid-20s to 70ish, varied life experiences...an amazing group. We all started a bible study 4 years ago, and they have been an answer to prayer more times than I can even begin to express. When DH was deployed last time, I had 3 dc, plus was pregnant the first half of the deployment, and had the newborn the second half. They helped me so much - taking the girls, middle of the night baby sitting to so I could take someone to the ER, one of them even did my laundry for me, prepared meals, etc.

 

So, they are a huge blessing in my life.

 

But now - last night the ringleader of the group (said in a wonderfully loving way) told me their newest idea to help me. They want to come in every other weekend and do the deep cleaning in my house for me. :eek: My immediate thought was - Holy cow. I can't get my house clean enough for you to come clean my house anytime in the next month. I told her I would think about it.

 

One of the things she mentioned was making sure all the sheets are changed. That means

1) I have to go buy a new set of sheets for my bed. I generally just wash and put them right back on.

2) I have to clean out the linen closet. When dh's grandparents gave us their dining room furniture we inherited about 40 tablecloths. I have never used them and probably never will, but they're ALL in the linen closet jammed in there and might explode if you open the door.

3) I have to figure out what to do with said tablecloths. Do I give them away, sell them? If I sell them, do I give the money to dh"s family?

 

So I'm heading toward a panic attack and that's before I think of the grime growing in the bathroom.

 

I think I'm going to tell her it would be much more helpful to me if there was babysitting arranged every other weekend so I could do some deep cleaning. I hate to snub her gifts, but I might lose my mind if they actually got to see all my dirt! Argh!

[OnTheBrink]

What wonderful friends!

 

You do NOT need to go buy new sheets. They are not trying to be impressed by you. It's perfectly ok to wash the sheets and put them back on the bed.

 

You do NOT need to clean before they come clean. Obviously, they know you need some help in this area (believe me, I do too!) so unless something is growing from between the floorboards, you don't need to clean before they come clean.

 

Offer the table cloths to a church or soup kitchen or freecycle them. No one neds that many table cloths! LOL Or, if you sew, make a quilt or something with some of them and toss the rest.

 

:grouphug:

[LisaKinVA]

Man, I'm jealous!

 

No, I've never been "killed with kindness." The, ahem, basement area, where we live could use a good killing, though. :D

 

Don't worry about the sheets. Don't worry about cleaning before they get there. I draw the line at personal laundry, though :D

 

Lisa

[Alice]

Two sides...

 

If it's really more stressful to you than you should definitely tell them so and ask about the babysitting. Part of being good friends is being able to be honest about needs and what is helpful. I'ts ok to say no to an offer of help.

 

However, my dh has a saying that he says in partial jest but is also true. "It's a blessing to allow others to serve." Sometimes that's true. It's hard to accept help but in a way when you do you bless them by letting them serve you. You can see how that can sound really funny and selfish....but also be kind of true. I've definitely learned more and more that sometimes even when I don't want help but I accept it, it ends up being a good thing for the other person and for me.

 

I really like Anne Lamott. In her book "Operating Instructions" about being a single mom she tells a story that just always sticks with me. I'll just type it here since I can't write like her:

 

A man from church showed up at our front door, smiling and waving to me and Sam, and I went to let him in. He is a white man named Gordon, fiftyish, married to our associate pastor, and after exchanging pleasantries he said "I wanted to do something for you and the baby. So what I want to ask is, What if a fairy appeared on your doorstep and said that he or she would do any favor for you at all, anything you wanted around the house that you felt too exhausted to do by yourself and too ashamed to ask anyone to help you with?"

 

"I can't even say," I said. "It's too horrible."

 

But he finally convinced me to tell him, and I said it would be to clean the bathroom, and he ended up spending an hour scrubbing the bathroom, and he ended up spending an hour scubbing the bathtub and toilet and sink with Ajax and lots of hot water. I sat on the couch while he worked, watching TV, feeling vaguely guilty and nursing Sam to sleep. But it made me feel sure of Christ again, of that kind of love. This, a man scrubbing a new mother's bathtub, is what Jesus means to me.

 

I apologize if you're not a Christian and the end of the story bothers you. I think it's a great story no matter what your beliefs are.

 

Anyway....do what helps you most. But don't be too afraid to be vulnerable.

[sleepy]

:iagree:

What a lovely post, Alice! :001_smile:

[Jennifer in MI]

Oh my goodness - what wonderful friends you have!! I agree with Michelle - you don't need to clean before they come to clean. They really WANT to help you. Please let them!!! Be honest with them. Let them know that your linen closet has been your last priority and you'd like help with that first.

 

When I'm older and don't have as many kids this is something I would do for a mom whose dh is deployed.

 

You are blessed!!!

[Parrothead]

Wow! Can you send them to Maine for a few days?

 

We have a few Helping Fairies around here. When there is someone in need we get together and pitch in like what you are getting. The first time I helped out with the Fairies was for a woman who was having a baby. We got together and cleaned her house and froze about a weeks worth of meals before she got home from the hospital.

 

I was the next person who the Fairies should have visited. We had a death in the family and had to travel to Georgia. Instead of packing appropriate things for all of us I spent the time I had between the phone call and the leaving cleaning everything I could. I couldn't let the Fairies come and take care of things for me.

 

I learned then that I had the wrong attitude. In trying not to be embarrassed at the state of my house during a crisis, I forgot to pack appropriate undergarments for myself. In trying not to be embarrassed, I was too tired to do my share of night driving and we didn't make it in time for the funeral. In trying not to be embarrassed, I didnt' remember that I wasn't embarrassed for the lady who had given birth not too long ago.

 

So I've had experience at both ends of this. Don't be embarrassed by the state of your house. Look at the blessing you are receiving and be thankful. Your friends aren't going to shudder and think of what a horrible housekeeper you are. They aren't going to gossip among themselves at what a hideous state your house is in.

 

And if it ever becomes time for you to be a Fairy instead of a recipient go for it. I promise you won't think less of your recipient.

[gandpsmommy]

I agree with the others who said that you do not need to clean before they come to clean. But I also so totally understand your feelings, as well! Maybe the babysitting would be a good suggestion if you can't get past those feelings. I don't think anyone would feel shock over the linen closet; although, it probably is a good idea to give away a few of the tablecloths or all of them if you *know* you will never use them. If the sheets are a problem, could you just tell them you will handle the sheets, but would love help with xyz (whatever you really would love help with)? You are very blessed to have such friends!

[Frelle]

I am excited for you that these women have offered to help you! :)

 

I have been killed with kindness a few times and it has come around to bite me in the butt. I have been killed with kindness other times, and it has been a Godly grace filled experience.

 

I do not turn down such offers, BUT, I also go into it knowing that I might hear some things that are hard to hear or are not helpful/untrue. I often offer to help in this same way.. and because of the bad experiences I have had, I totally keep my mouth shut and any judgement to myself.

 

First time: I was postpartum with my third child, and someone from church came to give me supper and noticed I was behind on laundry (the day of the birth). She offered to take my laundry and do it and bring it back. I heard through the grapevine weeks later that she started the gossip about my house being a wreck and maybe I had post partum depression and "Doesn't J seem overwhelmed?" but no one offering to help me. So I was ministered to in my time of need where my house was a disaster.. but it caused gossip to go around about me.

 

Second time: the women from my small group at church offered to come and clean my house before baby #4 was born. There were 5 women, and they mostly did the grout in my bathroom floor, the bathroom, the doorjambs and walls, and the counters.. some general cleaning. All the other women left, but T stuck around. I was 39 weeks pregnant, and T stood in my kitchen and lectured me about the black mold behind the kitchen sink, and how awful my grout was in the floor of the bathroom and how could I let it get that way, and why was there dried food on the doorjamb (peanut butter)...and if I just use this product once a day on my table and counters that I could just do X, Y, and Z and my house would never get in such shape.".. SO helpful when I am 39 weeks pregnant and be browbeaten by supermom in my own home after I was blessed by the other women who had more CLASS than to treat me that way.

 

And then there have been other women who have called to ask what I need and come and do it and more with so much grace and sweetness and never make me feel bad at all. Cindy came and helped me clean and declutter 2 bedrooms yesterday. Next Monday, two of the single moms from church are coming over to do light housekeeping and childcare for me, and I am to leave and get some time alone. These two women love my family and want to minister to me as a pair.

 

 

So my advice is to take the offer and be grateful, absolutely. Do what you feel you need to do to prepare, like the tablecloths... keep two and give the rest to a shelter or to goodwill. Sometimes it really does take a village, and we get into seasons when we are really too tired and too overwhelmed to a)notice the condition of our house or b) do anything about it. And its a great thing to have people offer to help, and humbling yourself and allowing them the chance to bless you is a wonderful thing.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I think it's OK to ask for what you need but on the other hand, they've seen dirty houses before - let them clean.

[missplacedalaskan]

They can't be a blessing to you, if you won't let them.

 

I know it is hard to accept the help. I injured my knee and needed help about 3 years ago. I was on crutches and couldn't do much. Dh said he had everything "under control" when the ladies at church asked if they could help with meals. One of the ladies told him it would be very rude of him to say "no" because he was stealing her blessing. She didn't HAVE to help out, she wanted to help, she wanted to bless our family through preparing a meal for us. Dh was humbled and welcomed the blessing.

 

Now I keep that in my mind. I want to be a blessing to others, please don't steal my blessing by turning my help away.

[Kris]

What a great bunch of friends you all must be for them to be able to say something like this without having to worry about offending you! And without you actually being offended! I'm not being sarcastic -- that is really wonderful!

 

I'd love to have someone come in and do something like that, but I'd be mortified at the same time -- I don't have any good excuses except we have lots of dogs and live on a dirt road. There's no getting this place clean!

 

Just don't worry about it! If it makes you feel better, just help. But if you really can't do that, I like the babysitting idea. Although, if I took that route, I'd spend the time actually putting two uninterrupted thoughts together, probably reading a good book, and nothing would get done anyway. :D