Age vs. Emotional Maturity

[scrapbookbuzz]

For those of you with Aspies specifically, do you ever feel as though the older they get, the greater

the disparity between their age and emotional maturity? My dd is 15yo but there is hardly anything she is

willing to do independently. She'll do her math, more or less, but that's about it. Any chore I give her is 

done half-way. Then when I call her on it she acts as if I didn't tell her or the world's going to end or some other

drama. Now, I do remember very well when I was 15 and how much drama I brought with me! :P  I just wonder,

though, if part of it isn't the Asperger's and if I'll have to wait until she's 18 to be dependable to do what I ask her.

[8filltheheart]

Hmmm, if you could have been a fly on my wall the past 3 weeks. :(

 

The older our ds is, the more obvious his disability becomes. What was quirky became immature and what was immature is now visibly not normal. At 21, when you ask him to do something that interferes with what he is currently doing, he cannot disengage like an adult and literally acts like the world is ending. The past few weeks have been particularly awful.

 

I wish I could tell you that something magical would happen at 18, but it hasn't even happened here at 21.

[scrapbookbuzz]

Um, well, at least I know I'm not alone?? Are you anywhere near AZ? Maybe we should schedule a meet up!

[scrapbookbuzz]

Anyone else experiencing this?

[MomatHWTK]

I think it becomes more noticeable as the other kids mature and the Aspie maybe doesn't?  I hope it levels out again in the future. 

[scrapbookbuzz]

Me, too! And perhaps I'm expecting (wanting) them to be more independent than they are truly ready to be (for both my Aspie daughter and my gifted son).

[Finnella]

I think for some it does improve; I certainly hope so. My Aspie is 14 and experiencing all that hormonal nastiness that hits around that age. I think we parents are ready to see more maturation while our kids just aren't up to it. (I know I'm ready.)  I know my older NT son could do lots more on his at 14 than my Aspie can. (No, I don't go around pointing this out because it would be hurtful and counter productive.) 

 

According to my son's psychologist, my son's going through his worst growth phase - emotional and social - and will get better. No doubt that is going to vary lots based on the child and where he is on the spectrum. So I keep hoping, not very patiently, that this is yet another stage in his growing up and it too shall pass. 

 

[dbmamaz]

My son's first dx was aspie, later changed to bipolar, but we were told he would always be at a maturity level about 2/3 of his age.  Honestly, he's doing better.  Last year hubby and i agreed he was now running more like 3/4 of his age.  And this year at 17 i'm extremely impressed - he has made some leaps.  He still needs me to direct him a lot, but he's complaining less and showing more stamina.  

 

But if you think if the 2/3 rule, your 6 yo acting like a 4 yo is not as obvious as your 15 yo acting like a 10 yo.  a very immature 10 yo lol

 

when i'm not frustrated, i just try to focus on calmly repeating what they need to do, and trying to be patient waiting for them to mature, and reviewing how far they've come

[Crimson Wife]

{{{{hugs}}}}

 

I have noticed that as my child with HFA has gotten older, the discrepancy between her chronological age and her functional age has become more obvious. Mostly because the kids who were typical but "late bloomers" have started to catch up with their peers. At 2, it wasn't clear whether DD was just a natural late talker or whether she had a more serious developmental issue. Now at 4 3/4, it's clear that she's in the latter category.

 

FWIW, the very first person I know to have gotten an Asperger's diagnosis back in the '90's (kid I used to babysit and brother of my brother's BFF growing up) is now in his very late 20's, and he has finally started to seem like an adult rather than a teen. He's still got issues (romantic relationships being a big one) but he's doing ok in his career, is living independently in his own apartment, and generally seems a lot more mature than he did in his mid-20's. So there's definitely hope on the horizon if you can just hang in there!

[Walking-Iris]

I know an adult with Asperger's who is married, a new mother, and a pretty cool and creative, functional adult. As my ds starts to get older the difference is very apparent. For one he's so tall, so the poor thing is always expected to act older than he actually is (even if he were NT) by strangers. I estimate that he is at least 3 years behind in emotional maturity. He acts way younger than 10 (11!!! in a few months). 

 

He doesn't have angry outbursts, but he has a very short fuse for frustration or boredom. Jumps to tears easily, can have a bit of a stomping around fit at times. Generally he's a pretty calm, cool kid. 

 

The noticeable difference is in his interests and play habits. He just doesn't act as "grown up" and aware of his environment and other people as other 11 year olds. 

 

I do still have to "hold his hand" to get certain self care habits or chores done. It's getting better in a lot of ways the older he gets, but he definitely seems to have zero interest in cooperative work activities. My 6 year old will gladly help with yard work and work hard to accomplish some goal and wants to do these grown up things to be a helpful member of the family. Not my "Aspie" ds though. 

 

(I'm still not quite used to the Aspie label---his dx has changed recently. I have been used to saying PDD-NOS or simply "on the spectrum" for years, which granted is still the case, but our neuro psych has told us to embrace the Aspergers label even though things in the DSM have changed. It does feel slightly different...)

[merry gardens]

For those of you with Aspies specifically, do you ever feel as though the older they get, the greater

the disparity between their age and emotional maturity? My dd is 15yo but there is hardly anything she is

willing to do independently. She'll do her math, more or less, but that's about it. Any chore I give her is 

done half-way. Then when I call her on it she acts as if I didn't tell her or the world's going to end or some other

drama. Now, I do remember very well when I was 15 and how much drama I brought with me! :p  I just wonder,

though, if part of it isn't the Asperger's and if I'll have to wait until she's 18 to be dependable to do what I ask her.

I don't have a child with Aspergers, but I have some older children too, so I thought I'd pop in and tell you your daughter may be somewhat more "normal" than you think in regard to chores and working independently.  Many neurotypical teens do chores half-way and don't work particularly well independently.  It was/is a frequent frustration when I have to ask my teens to re-do work they thought they'd done.   We, as parents, often see our children's worst behavior, so I was shocked when employers told me great things about my oldest childrens' work when they were teenagers. More than one manager has complained about non-reliable teenage employees. 

 

This is not to say that all teens are that way, but it's not completely unusual.  If your daughter is dependable enough to do what she's told at age 18, then you can be proud. 

[Walking-Iris]

I don't have a child with Aspergers, but I have some older children too, so I thought I'd pop in and tell you your daughter may be somewhat more "normal" than you think in regard to chores and working independently.  Many neurotypical teens do chores half-way and don't work particularly well independently.  It was/is a frequent frustration when I have to ask my teens to re-do work they thought they'd done.   We, as parents, often see our children's worst behavior, so I was shocked when employers told me great things about my oldest childrens' work when they were teenagers. More than one manager has complained about non-reliable teenage employees. 

 

This is not to say that all teens are that way, but it's not completely unusual.  If your daughter is dependable enough to do what she's told at age 18, then you can be proud. 

 

There's a difference between normal teen reluctance or half way doing a job, and a kid with Asperger's. The Aspie kid either just *can't* do it, doesn't understand how or why to do it, or literally can't break out of their routine or thing they are doing to do it. They need more scaffolding than is typical of a NT child.

 

A normal teen usually understands the how and why and their reluctance is usually just plain stubbornness or laziness. They'll eventually do it though. They know they have to do some chore, they understand the social give and take of doing it even if they don't want to do it. Really unreliable teens are usually having discipline issues. The issues facing an Aspie child go way way beyond simple discipline issues.

 

A child on the spectrum has a physiological  difference that makes it harder for them to understand why they have to do something. Or see the point of view of the person asking them to do something. So I understand what you're saying...but it is a bit different than normal. 

[merry gardens]

There's a difference between normal teen reluctance or half way doing a job, and a kid with Asperger's. The Aspie kid either just *can't* do it, doesn't understand how or why to do it, or literally can't break out of their routine or thing they are doing to do it. They need more scaffolding than is typical of a NT child.

 

A normal teen usually understands the how and why and their reluctance is usually just plain stubbornness or laziness. They'll eventually do it though. They know they have to do some chore, they understand the social give and take of doing it even if they don't want to do it. Really unreliable teens are usually having discipline issues. The issues facing an Aspie child go way way beyond simple discipline issues.

 

A child on the spectrum has a physiological  difference that makes it harder for them to understand why they have to do something. Or see the point of view of the person asking them to do something. So I understand what you're saying...but it is a bit different than normal. 

After posting I thought that maybe I should have qualified what I wrote to make sure it didn't come across like I was just blowing off the op's concerns. :(   And I really hope it didn't come across like I was just dismissing these as discipline issues.  I have a close relative with Aspergers and a couple of close friends whose daughters have Aspergers--and I know it's not the same, especially when the emotional melt-downs happen! Sorry if I didn't relay that more clearly.

 

I also have a child with dyslexia and another with auditory processing problems, so I'm not unfamiliar with special needs. As the mother of special needs kids, I sometimes I lose my perspective on how much of their struggle is because of the underlying atypical neurological structure-- and how much is just "normal kid stuff". With special needs kids, the lines of what's "special needs" and what's "kids" can look blurry at times. 

 

I certainly didn't mean to sound unsympathetic to her daughter's special needs, but wanted to help her realize that, special needs or not, her daughter is still a child.  We do ourselves and our children a disservice when we set the bar either too low or too high.  It seemed to me that the op may have some expectations for her daughter that even many NT might have difficulty meeting. 

[PeterPan]

 

I certainly didn't mean to sound unsympathetic to her daughter's special needs, but wanted to help her realize that, special needs or not, her daughter is still a child.  We do ourselves and our children a disservice when we set the bar either too low or too high.  It seemed to me that the op may have some expectations for her daughter that even many NT might have difficulty meeting. 

Someone had a post on here to that effect a year or two (or more?) ago.

 

My kids aren't on the spectrum, but I see within them both the volitional stuff and the slow processing, difficulty transitioning, sensory, whatever that makes them turn into mules in ways that are beyond volition.  There can be both.  You're also dealing with kids who are creatures of habit, kids who benefit from clear expectations, routine, structure.  I spent a lot of time when dd was young trying to figure out WHY she was doing what she was doing, was it volitional or a physical/built-in cause...  Now I don't.  Now with ds I try to focus on creating structure, routines that help him stay the way I need him or get back to the way I need him.  Whatever the reason he got to the state he's in, he doesn't necessarily have the ability to pull himself back from it.  So once he's overworked, overwhelmed, the answer is still the same, that he's going to need help getting back to a calm state, that it's not something he can do on his own.

 

Now what was the original question?  LOL  Seriously though, that whole thing of helping kids get to where we need them is hard.  With ds I spend time talking about how he feels, asking him to put words to it, which is hard when it's a sensory issue (like this morning, ugh!) and not something we have great words for.  How do you say I'm biting the dishes and acting a certain way because I need to crunch a carrot?  Somehow that didn't make it into our "how do I feel" vocabulary, lol.  So now he's got a big carrot he's chewing away on and he has calmed down.  I don't know, I find all that very hard to sort through.  But no matter what, it comes back to me giving him the tools to express and to transition back to where he needs to be.  The child can't do it for himself, and there comes a point where he'll get so overwhelmed that he won't have the SKILLS to get back to a peaceful place, whether it started volitional or was sensory or neurological or whatever to start.  I find myself using sensory techniques and talking (getting him to communicate) a lot more than I did with dd.